AN: Back again. You reviewers rock. Gets me back at the keyboard, so it's a win-win, no? I like to think so.
"Okay, so what is the cosine?" Jake asked for the third time. Ambrose had come and set up their first tutoring session, per Jess' request, and they'd been working on this first problem for twenty minutes now.
Jules stared at her notebook paper, as she barely dragged the eraser end of her pencil over it not; even hard enough to erase the math problem that she'd been working on.
"Come on, Jules. You know this."
"Sorry, I'm just distracted."
"That does seem to be your problem," he agreed. "Do you want to talk about whatever it is?"
"No."
"Look, Jules, whatever is bothering you—you can't keep it all in. You're falling behind in your classes. That's just not like you. You're smart. You could probably be in Calculus with me if you wanted. Just talk about it a little. If it doesn't help, I'll go back to asking you the same question fifty times."
She made a face at him, and put her pencil down. "Fine. Mom is coming for Christmas."
"That's good, though, right?"
"She to make it sound like it would be," she sighed, "But have you seen Dad lately?"
"He has been looking really tired."
"Yeah, and now her being back here is just going to be harder on him."
"But maybe they'll get back together. That's what you want, right?"
She looked down, her long hair falling into her face. She picked up her pencil again, rolling it between her fingers.
"You can't tell anyone what I'm going to tell you, okay?"
Jake nodded, encouraging her to continue.
"Before Mom left, for months before, they were fighting. Not arguing, really fighting. We could hear them, they thought we couldn't. I'd go into Ambrose's room, and he'd let me stay some nights, that's how bad it was. And it was never Dad's fault—Mom was just mean to him. Accusing him of weird stuff, and screaming about how he doesn't love her how he was trying to hold her back. It was horrible," she sighed, tearing up a bit, but trying to get all this out.
"And then she left, without telling us. She left; left him to tell us what was going on, even though we knew it wasn't his fault, he made it seem like something they agreed on. And last night, he went on that date. He looked so happy before and after—but now he's putting that on hold until Mom makes up her mind. It isn't fair."
With it all out of her system, she let the tears fall. She didn't care. Jake was practically a brother to her. They'd all been raised together and in the same schools. The last few years, he and Ambrose holed up alone a lot, doing whatever it was that teenage boys do, but he was a constant presence, and someone she trusted.
"Wow. Ambrose hasn't mentioned any of that to me. I mean, he told me about the fighting. I didn't know your Mom was being so. . ."
"Selfish? Yeah. Now, I've been wondering if it wouldn't be better if they didn't work it out."
He looked at her, the one they'd all be so concerned about because she 'needed' her parents reconciled, in surprise.
"You really feel that way?"
She nodded. "Please, don't tell anyone. Not even Ambrose. I feel horrible for thinking it, but it's so hard to see Dad like this."
He nodded. "I promise."
She took a deep breath, and righted her pencil in her hand. "Okay. Cosines. Go."
He looked back at the book to regain his train of thought, and they got on with their math lesson.
&&&&
Tristan couldn't find Jess in his room, so he took a walk around town. He ended up where Jess usually went to hide or think, the bridge. There he sat, cigarette in hand, burned almost down to the filter. He didn't look up, even though Tristan figured he had to hear his footsteps thudding on the wooden planks. He sat next to him and waited.
"I'd offer you one, but this is the last one."
"I didn't know you were smoking again," he said, implying a regular habit.
"I bought this pack at Doose's, on my way from the Inn."
Tristan blew a low whistle, and closed his eyes. This must be bad. He knew Jess' life wasn't exactly smooth sailing lately, but this was not a good sign.
"She's coming in three days."
"Erin? For good?"
"No, because she fucking feels guilty not seeing her kids on Christmas."
"Damn."
Jess snorted, took the last hit off his cigarette and threw it into the lake. "I can't deal with this anymore," he finally said, looking at Tristan.
"What happened?"
"She calls, then won't talk to me. Unless it's to accuse me of things I haven't done. Or even thought of—she just never stops."
Tristan had no words. He sat and listened as Jess unloaded in an uncharacteristic way. Normally he kept his feelings to himself, people knowing he wasn't feeling great because of his sullen reclusion, not because of his telling others about it. But then again, he'd been put through the ringer lately.
"The kids, they can't take it, either. And she just doesn't seem to care. I mean, she has to care about her kids, doesn't she? It's one thing if she now hates me, but," his hand was shaking. Tristan wondered if he was going to vomit from smoking the whole pack so quickly. Or out of anger. He himself did that once.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to take the kids to Boston on the 23rd. She agreed that they are going to get to do all the stuff they'd normally do. We'll be back for the Christmas tree lighting on the 24th. After that, I don't know."
"So, how was the date?"
Jess looked at him and for a moment he was sorry he asked. He figured Jess needed a break from talking about Erin, but now he wasn't sure this was the way to do that. Jess' expression changed from hard and angry to neutral until he swore he saw a smile.
"It was actually good."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, she's great. Exactly the kind of person I would want to date," he paused, "But I told her I can' t see her."
"Why?"
"For now. Just for now. She made me promise to call her when we're back in New York."
"Are you going to?"
"Yeah. Either way, to let her know. It's not right to keep her hanging; we had a really good time. I know you don't understand this, but I'm trying to do this all right. I just don't know what the hell is happening from moment to moment."
"I'm not going to lie to you, I know Rory and I have been lucky—hell, more than lucky. My parents went through hell, when Dad became an asshole and started cheating on Mom, it was because he was on drugs. Do you think she could have something else going on, that's making her do all this?"
"I just think she's not in love with me anymore."
Tristan felt horrible for him, the tone of his voice (not to mention his words) was just heartbreaking. He'd never be able to utter those words himself. If Rory didn't love him anymore, he wasn't sure he'd continue to exist. So much of him was her now. It was obvious that wasn't the case with Jess and Erin. He sat next to his friend, and they sat there until both were numb from the cold.
&&&&
They'd hit every store in the mall. Some of them more than once. The three women slid themselves, dozens of bags, and trays of food down at a table in the food court. Ella had been fairly quiet all day, but her mother and grandmother's constant babbling seemed to make up for her being lost in her own thoughts. Or so she thought.
Lorelai looked from Ella, who hadn't said more than three whole sentences all day, to Rory. Rory caught her eye, and they shared a look. All three silent now, except the sound of chewing, Lorelai couldn't take it.
"What gives, Els?"
Ella put her cheeseburger back down and looked at her grandmother, as if considering her options. Lorelai wasn't one to let a subject drop, especially when she knew something was bothering you.
"Mom, can I ask you a question?"
Rory looked again from her own mother quickly before answering her daughter. She didn't like this tone, especially in a public place.
"Sure, Hon, what is it?"
"Why didn't it work out with you and Jess?"
Lorelai made a choking noise, and Rory's mouth hung open. "What?"
"Wasn't it serious with you and him?"
"Well, sort of. But it just wasn't right."
Here she thought her day would be stellar once she saw Jane off to the airport that morning. She'd gotten up at 6am, driven young Jane and made sure she got to the security gate. She'd never been so glad to get rid of a kid, and she hadn't spent much time with her. She talked non-stop about what a pitiful excuse for learning the Ivy Leagues were turning into. Paris really had ensured Jane's need to explore extensive therapy later in life. When Rory collapsed back in bed around 8am, she dreamed of a day of happiness, shopping with her girls. And now this.
"Are you ever sorry it didn't go differently?"
"What is this about?"
"If you were in love with him, enough to go to Yale to stay with him, did that just go away?"
"Love isn't always that easy, Els," Lorelai offered, trying to help her daughter out.
"Honey, I don't have any regrets for how my life turned out. I'm glad that Jess and I got as close as we did, because look how it turned out. I'm so glad that he and I can be close friends now. And if we'd stayed together, I might not have found your father again. I've never had a doubt about being with him."
"So, how do you know when it's right?"
"You aren't going to like my answer."
"What is it?"
"You just know," Rory shrugged. She'd always hated that answer herself; so trite, but it was true.
"But you did love Jess? I mean, were you in love with him?"
"At the time, yes. I was."
"So, how was that not the same as with Daddy?"
"Is this about Billy?"
Ella looked down at her mostly untouched food. "Jess told me that I should go with what I'm feeling. I just don't know what that is. I'm not sure about Billy yet, where it might go. I don't want to not give it a chance, but," she bit her lip.
"Oh, Els, it's only been what, three weeks? Give it some time. You have time to think and feel it out," Lorelai encouraged.
"She's right, don't feel pressured to rush into a decision. About anything," she hinted at something else, which was probably destined for another talk. A much more private one.
Ella nodded. "Am I being silly?"
"No, kid. Love is the best way to turn your life upside down and scatter it in six different directions. Trust me."
"And me," Lorelai added.
"You guys seem to have it so easy. It's hard to believe you ever had love troubles."
"Oh, kid. You and me gotta have some serious Ben and Jerry time and we can chat about love troubles," Lorelai winked at Ella. "The stories I can tell you," she assured her.
"Is it weird for you to talk about Uncle Jess?" she asked, having seen the look on her mother's face through the whole conversation.
"It was just a long time ago, babe. It's, yeah, it's kinda weird," she sighed, and reached out to grab her daughter's hand. "But if my screwed up dating disasters can help you out, by all means, dredge it up," she giggled.
"Thanks, Mom," she said, squeezing her hand back before letting go to take a bite of her hamburger.
"Alright. Weird boy talk over. Let's talk free make-overs," Lorelai said, letting her hands drop on the table with a loud thump, as if to declare a new phase to the day.
&&&&
Will was now concerned about the gift he'd gotten Anna. It'd been a perfectly good gift, he knew that she'd like it. Until his mother had opened her mouth, that is. And after kissing her that morning, he decided that maybe there might be a thread of truth to his mother's logic. So, when he suggested they hit the mall to get away from the families and work on Christmas shopping, she instantly agreed. He figured this way he could get an idea of anything she might really want. Girls always seemed to linger in jewelry store displays and the like. Surely he could get a 'girlfriend' type gift idea. It was the perfect plan.
They roamed the mall, laughing and shopping. He was now waiting outside in the middle of endless center kiosks, while she picked something up that he wasn't allowed to see. Upon her return, he tried to see where she'd gone, but she'd thought to conceal the new bag inside of one of her prior purchases.
"Aw, come on, that's just mean," he pouted a little.
"It's five days away. You can wait five days."
"Man, I never thought you'd turn vindictive," he joked.
"Do you even have a gift for me yet?"
"I do. I've had it for a while."
"Uh-huh," she smiled, and he leaned in closer to her. She pushed her bags around to her backside, "No fair pretending to want to kiss me just to peek," she said softly, shaking her head.
"I'm not pretending," he said, moving to kiss her for real.
When he pulled back and turned to see which direction they now needed to go, he saw something he really wished he hadn't. There, coming out of a maternity clothing store, was a now showing Bree. She had to be five or six months pregnant—he hadn't asked for a lot of details while she was breaking his heart into pieces—and she was definitely showing. Hence the store she was in, he figured. She was staring at him as well, and she'd obviously seen the kiss.
"Hey, you okay?" Anna asked, turning to look where he was looking. "Oh. Shit."
He said nothing, just nodded.
"Do we go over?" she asked, not wanting to make this decision for him.
It turned out not to be a consideration, as Bree was approaching them before he could say a word.
"Hey, Will. Anna," she said, her voice even.
"Bree."
"Hi," Anna offered, still looking at Will for a reaction.
"Christmas shopping?"
"Yeah. What are you doing in Hartford?"
"Mom took me in. I'm moving after Christmas officially."
"Huh."
Silence fell over the three, standing in the middle of a very packed mall concourse. Thousands of frenzied shoppers rushed past them, but none of them seemed to notice.
"I really missed your family party," she said.
"Bree," he warned. She didn't have the right to go there. Not anymore.
"We really should get going," Anna said, slipping her arm around Will's waist, and turning in close to him. She then turned to Bree. "Nice to see you," she said, starting to walk them off down into the mass of people. They walked down into the next chunk of shops, far enough from the other girl and she stopped to check in with him.
"Hey, you okay?"
"I'm okay. Thanks, for that."
"No problem. It was okay, that I,--?"
"Acted like my girlfriend?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Something like that."
"It's good, I mean, we're not really hiding this. From a lot of people," he said slowly.
"Maybe we should just go ahead and tell everyone," she nodded.
"You sure?"
"Look, everything in our pasts, it's in the past. This is about us, moving forward."
"Good," he smiled. "I'm sorry," he said, looking back down the mall.
"For what?"
"I just, you shouldn't have to deal with that. You know that's completely behind me, right?"
"I know you don't want to be with her. I didn't expect you to be completely over what she did to you. It was harsh," she added softly.
"Well, I couldn't be happier with how things turned out at the moment," he nudged her.
"Good to hear. Come on, we still have some shopping to do," she smiled, and took his outstretched arm. They continued on, spending the rest of the afternoon together and compiling a collection of bags.