Chapter 5

Creedy woke to a cold, empty bed. No light was shining through the tattered shade covering the window, so it had to be extremely early in the morning. He rubbed his eyes as he yawned, then looked around the bunkroom, smiling softly at the tiny snores coming from children's noses. With a heavy sigh, he stood, stifling a gasp as his bare feet touched the cold stone floor, and started up the stairs to the main entrance of the castle. She was sitting on the ledge and kicking her feet against the wall below, just as she'd been doing when he'd plopped down next to her and introduced himself. She turned to him as he walked toward her, managing a small smile as he sat beside her.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked. She shrugged, tucking her hair behind her ears. His eyebrow rose, but he didn't say anything more, only leaning his forehead against the banister in front of him, just watching her. Her fingers were closed around the pendant on her necklace, her thumb rubbing it like a worry stone. She noticed he'd noticed and quickly dropped it back inside her shirt, managing a weak smile. "You really liked dragons, didn't you?"

"I still do," she said with a shrug. He sat up, staring at her in confusion. "Hating dragons because they destroy everything we depend on is like hating people because they lie, or are selfish, or get jealous. It's just the way they are, and they can't help it. The tiger doesn't kill the leopard because it has spots. It kills the leopard because it has to if it wants to survive." His eyebrow rose.

"Are you getting philosophical on me?" She smiled again, this time a more real one, and he returned it.

"I think they're beautiful animals doing what they have to in order to survive. It's just too bad their survival means our extinction," she continued quietly. "I'd never killed one before, actually."

"You looked like you knew what you were doing."

"Looked like I knew what I was doing when I was hacking that tree to pieces, too, right?" He glanced at her quickly. "I saw it on television and just mimicked, I guess. Common sense, really. Cut it down and into manageable pieces." She laughed a little and shook her head, while he only looked on with a perplexed expression. "My mom once told me, 'Chastity, if you don't know what you're doing just fake it if it's important'." A heavy sigh. "Best advice anyone ever gave me." She glanced at him but quickly looked away.

"You don't have to do that anymore," he responded.

"Do what?"

"Fake it. Between all of us here, we've got a pretty good handle on things. You don't have to do everything yourself just because you've had to before," he said gently.

"Haven't we had this conversation?"

"Obviously it didn't take," he said with a small laugh. She only stared at her hands in her lap, fidgeting with her fingers. He sighed, shaking his head and turning toward her. "You don't have to be the strong link all the time. No one can do that. Everyone has weaknesses, and that's not a bad thing."

"I know that, Creedy," she interjected quickly. He sighed, leaning back a little. "I don't expect to be the best at everything, or the strongest person. But I'm not willing to let everyone else do everything or let myself stoop to depending on someone else when I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself on my own."

"You're not on your own, and you shouldn't have to be." She sighed, shaking her head as she leaned forward against the railing. "We're all working together here, Chaz. And you trying to be involved in everything and working on something all the time isn't going to do anything but wear you out."

"I have to do something all the time," she insisted, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Why?"

"When I have time to sit down and take a breath…" she trailed off, shaking her head. "I've lost a lot of friends," she restarted. "More than I could count on my hands and feet together, and I was there for most of it. When I stop and just sit around and relax, it all comes back, and I can't live like that."

"We've all lost someone," he replied. "Every one of us here has lost a lot of friends and family, but you have to deal with it. Hiding your problems by working yourself to death isn't going to help. And pretending that nothing bothers you or that you have all the answers won't help either. You just have to be thankful you're still alive and let it go."

"How the hell can I let it go when I close my eyes and it's there?" Her voice rose a notch, ending in a heavy sigh as she pulled herself to her feet. "It doesn't help to pretend they're in a better place, because I don't know if they are or not. They didn't get the chance to make things right before they went. They were taken. In the blink of an eye they were gone, and none of us got the chance to the goodbye and I'm sorry we needed to. I wouldn't be here either if I hadn't pretended like I could handle it and knew what I was doing. That's the only thing any of us have to get us out of this alive." He stood slowly, walking to stand right in front of her, their toes nearly touching.

"Did you mourn them?"

"What? Of course I did."

"No," he said, shaking his head, "Did you cry for them?" Her eyebrow rose. "No, you didn't have time to, did you?" She looked away, swallowing thickly.

"I wouldn't stop if I started," she said, her voice cracking a little.

"Sure you would," he said with a small smile. "You'd run out of tears eventually. Or just fall asleep." She shook her head, but a tiny smirk played on her lips. "Take the time. You never know how much better it might make you feel." She finally looked up as he walked away, disappearing into the castle. I will not cry, she told herself. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry. Dammit, I'm crying. A tiny sniffle escaped, and she shook her head, letting out a shaky breath. She returned to her seat on the ledge, looping her arms over the lowest level of the banister, dropping her head and tried to fight the tears. The lump in her throat burned, and the more she tried to swallow past it, the more it hurt and the harder it got. Finally, she squeezed her eyes shut and let out a quiet sob, the scenes playing out again in her mind, the faces of her lost friends returning. A louder, wetter snort escaped, and she cringed, hearing feet shuffle behind her. She tried to straighten up, but she was too far gone now, and a pair of warm arms wrapped around her, pulling her backwards into him. He cradled her against his chest, rubbing her back and rocking her gently as she sobbed, finally giving in and just letting it happen instead of trying to fight it. Slowly, she calmed down, wiping the moisture from her cheeks with the back of a hand. She sniffed and sighed, finally looking up into a pair of eyes she didn't expect, though the concern was there.

"I overheard you crying," Quinn said softly, giving her a small shrug. "Figured you could use a shoulder." She smiled apologetically, shaking her head a little. He helped her to her feet and followed her back into the castle, hoisting himself onto the bunk above Creedy. She stood there for a moment, arms wrapped around her middle to ward off the cold. Finally, she slid into bed, turning on her side and staring at the window, the shade blowing gently in the breeze. Finally, she let her eyes close.

-

"You didn't wake me." Creedy nearly dropped his coffee cup, spinning around toward the door. Chaz shuffled into the kitchen, dropping into a chair at the table with a heavy sigh.

"You seemed to be sleeping well," he said with a shrug, leaning back against the counter. "Figured I'd leave you that way." She yawned, burying her face in her hands. "You okay?" She looked up, managing a small smile, eyes bloodshot and puffy.

"Yeah," she responded with a nod. "I am." He smiled behind a sip of coffee. "You were right," she said slowly after a beat.

"Was I?" A small nod. "Good." Her eyes met his. "I'm glad you feel better." Her smile widened, and she stood to get herself a cup of coffee.

"So what's on the agenda today?" He sent her a look, and she only shrugged, lifting her mug to her lips.

"Well, the roof's almost done," he started after a moment. "We need to find a way to get food pretty soon." She nodded.

"I'm out of those little boxes of cereal, too," she said. "And the cracker supply isn't far behind." He managed a small smile.

"How long has it been since someone went out to that field you said you had?"

"A couple of days before you got here," he said. "So a little over, what, two weeks?" She nodded. "Half of it was burned to hell."

"Well, ash is good for plants," she said. "Maybe it'll help the soil out a little."

"Yeah, but what do we do in the mean time?" he asked with a weighty sigh. She sat back down, shaking her head.

"Take what's ripe," she said quietly, staring off into space. "Pick out the seeds and save them. Start turning the front yard and getting it ready." He stared at the steam rising from his cup. "Cycle it out. Bring some in from the field and keep the seeds. Plant when we have enough and alternate from there."

"So you were a farmer in a past life, then," he said with a smirk. She chuckled, shaking her head.

"No, that's what they did back home. Stagger the harvest, get a better yield," she answered.

"Talk to Quinn about it," he said after a moment. "He can get some people together to help out." She nodded, standing to set her cup in the sink. His eyes followed her as she walked to the hall, pausing in the doorway and turning back to him.

"Thanks," she said.

"For what?"

"Giving me a swift kick in the ass when I needed it," she said. His eyebrow rose, but she flashed him a winning smile and continued out of the room.

-

Chaz was already asleep by the time Creedy and Quinn had gotten all the kids into bed, said prayers, and tucked them in for the night. Quinn headed out to the main level to do rounds along the castle walls with Alex. It had become their ritual, their time alone together. Creedy stayed in the bunkroom, leaning against the doorframe for a while just watching everyone fall asleep. His eyes kept roaming over to Chaz, keeping to her side of the bed as she always did. She got up before the sun and took the early risers out into either the field or the front grounds to garden, and usually went to bed before the sunset had finished its nightly performance. He shook his head, shuffling down to the kitchen. Though it wasn't considered a top priority, he'd started a barrel of his special recipe the other day. It'd only aged a couple of days, and was sure to be a little too harsh, but it sounded like a winner of an idea right now. He plopped down at the table, nearly choking on the first swig, settling instead on watching the liquid swirl around in his glass as he let his thoughts consume him

Things hadn't been going as he'd expected or even hoped. Granted, he'd never expected her to just warm up to him because he was charming, but he didn't think she'd stay this cynical, especially being surrounded constantly with people wanting to help out and do their part. He'd hoped it would put her more at ease, help her open up, but until last night she'd not said anything even remotely personal to him other than her basic background information. The attraction was definitely still there, he'd noticed, but now that they were spending so much time apart, he wasn't sure he'd read her quite right. Maybe he'd just read too much into her gratefulness for a relatively safe place to stay. Or maybe he was just pushing things, expecting too much too soon. He sighed, taking a smaller drink this time, scrunching his face up as it burned its way down to his stomach.

Hell, maybe he'd read her completely wrong and just needed to suck it up and grow some balls. No, that wasn't the answer. If she'd spent that much time last night crying over friends she'd lost over the past decade or so she wouldn't be ready to let someone new in just like that.

"What's up?" Creedy glanced up from his glass and shook his head, grimacing through another sip. Quinn sat across from him, leaning back in his chair. "Chaz, huh?" Creedy managed a small chuckle, but it wasn't heartfelt.

"She gets up at dawn, turns in before I get back," he said quietly, running a finger around the rim of his glass. "She wakes when I go to bed and we talk for a few minutes before she goes back to sleep." He met Quinn's eyes for a moment before looking back to his glass.

"Give her time, Creedy," Quinn said quietly. "Once things get back to normal…" he trailed off with a bitter snort. "Just give her time." Creedy took another sip of his drink and set it down gently, spinning it in circles.

-

Chaz opened her eyes slowly, a soft smile touching her lips as she watched Creedy sleep. Whoever said people were cute when they slept lied. His mouth hung open, soft snores rattling in his throat, and every now and then his eyebrow would twitch. She stifled a laugh and started to sit up, but his arms tightened around her. Her smile grew as he closed his mouth to swallow, his eyes opening slowly. He closed them again, pulling her closer to him, trapping her in the bed with him.

"Why don't you just come with me?" she whispered, grinning as his eyes popped open again. She settled against his side, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Why don't you just take a day off?" he asked after a moment. She smiled, shaking her head.

"Time is of the essence when dealing with plantlife." He smiled, shifting around a little. "It's a full time job," she said quietly. "Gotta talk to them, baby them."

"They're plants, Chaz," he chided. "They don't have ears."

"Oh, they've done studies," she insisted. "Plants respond to the human voice. Especially singing."

"Really." More challenge than question.

"No, not really. But it's something to keep you busy when you're doing something as mundane as taking care of plants," she answered with a snicker. "Seriously," she pressed. "You've been brooding lately and it's getting boring. Just go with me today."

"Quinn and I have to start rebuilding the watchtower," he said with a heavy sigh. "Jared and some of the boys, too." She nodded against him, sighing as well. "Maybe once we get that done."

"We're working out in the front yard today," she said quietly. "Maybe I'll be able to stay up later than usual since I don't have to worry about making the drive home." He smiled lightly when she said that last word so naturally.

"I'll believe that when I see it," he joked. She snickered, wriggling out of his grasp and pulling her long sleeve shirt over her head. He reached out to rub her back as she leaned over to pull her boots on. "How are you doing?" he asked quietly after a moment. She glanced over her shoulder at him with a smile.

"I'm okay," she replied, holding his gaze for a moment before returning to tying her shoes. "I'm a little sore from turning the dirt so much, but I'll be fine."

"That's not what I mean," he said, leaning up on an elbow. She looked at him quickly again.

"I know what you meant," she said, sitting up and turning to him. "I'm okay. I'm not fantastic, but I'm not horrible either. Somewhere in the middle right now." He nodded. "I have to go," she said quickly, standing and going to the door. She turned in the doorway, managing a small smile before continuing on. He shook his head, letting out a quiet groan as he rolled over and went back to sleep.

-

Chaz was covered in dirt from head to toe, mud built up under her fingernails in such volume her nailbeds ached, but the trowel they'd found in the shed out at the field a few days earlier continued turning up the dirt. They'd used one of the firetrucks, as she'd come to call them, to carry loads of ash and dirt from the field off the main grounds onto the front lawn. Most of the kids not yet old enough or strong enough to help with the major reconstruction were joining Chaz and some of the other women in tending to the plants. She was lost in thought, just stirring all the dirt up and making sure everything was mixed well before laying seeds in a few days.

"Chaz?" She snapped out of her haze and glanced up at Liam with a puzzled expression. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, sweetie," she said with an honest smile. "What's up?"

"I just asked you if you wanted something to drink." She smiled, shaking her head a little.

"No, I'm good. Thanks though." He nodded, giving her a weird look before heading up to the house. She glanced quickly at Alex, who was also looking at her quizzically. "What?"

"He called your name at least five times, Chaz," Alex said gently. Chaz sighed, shaking her head and going back to work. "What's going on?"

"I was just thinking, that's all," she answered with a shrug. "Off in my own little world, I guess."

"You've been really quiet recently."

"I'm fine, Alex, really," she insisted with a smirk. "Don't worry." Alex nodded and turned back to her patch of dirt, glancing up at Chaz from time to time. "Will you stop?" Chaz blurted with a laugh. "God, you're acting like I'm about to fall over and break."

"I'm just worried about you," Alex said slowly.

"Well, you don't need to be," Chaz said, burying her trowel in the dirt and leaning back on her hands. "I mean, yeah, all of us have some shit to deal with, but I'm doing okay. I'm not going to pretend like I'm happy when I'm not, and I'm not going to just spew everything I'm thinking about and dealing with." Alex blinked. "But I am dealing, in my own way. I'm working through it, and I'm fine. I promise."

"So what about Creedy?" Chaz's eyebrow rose, and she looked away quickly, picking up the trowel and poking at the dirt in front of her.

"What about him?" Alex paused to glance around before turning back to Chaz.

"He's taken with you, you know," she said quietly. Chaz sighed, still not meeting Alex's eyes.

"I know that." A period passed where neither said anything, Alex watching Chaz for any sign of confiding in her, and Chaz staring at the dirt she continued to prod. "I have a long history of miserably failed relationships, Alex," she finally said flatly. "It's not fair to him."

"You're right, it's not fair to him." Chaz glanced up quickly. "It's not fair for him to have to keep holding out hope that one day you'll notice he cares about you, and it's not fair for him to wonder if you feel anything for him at all." Chaz sighed and shook her head, like Alex didn't understand.

"I do, but I don't know what it is or what to do about it."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"I've only known him a few weeks, Alex. And granted I don't have a whole lot of choice here, but it's not always going to be that way. I don't know him. And I'm not going to just…" she stopped with a heavy sigh. "All I know is that I'm attracted to him. That's it, and sorry, but that's not enough."

"What's enough then?" Chaz glanced at Alex sideways.

"I don't know." She sounded disappointed at her answer, and Alex smiled reassuringly.

"Why don't you just tell him, then?"

"Tell him what?" Chaz asked. "Look, Creedy, I think you're hot, but I don't know if I can let you in because I'm such a cynical bitch. I don't know if I can open up to someone I hardly know even if I want to fuck your brains out?" Alex glanced around quickly, glad that Chaz had kept her voice low enough for the nearest children not to hear. "Sorry," Chaz added quickly, looking around at the kids as well. Alex only shook her head with an amused smile.

"All I'm saying is that he's not going to wait forever. No one can," Alex said gently.

"I know that."

"Just give him something. Whether it's just that you haven't figured it out or that you don't want to go there. Give him something." Chaz didn't reply, and Alex let it drop as Liam returned from the house, plopping next to Alex to help paw through the dirt.