Acknowledgements and Disclaimers: I own neither Saiyuki nor the boys, they are the property of Kazuya Minekura. I'm just sneaking onto her playground climbing backwards up the slide. Soundtrack The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove by Dead Can Dance.
Authors Note: 58 is my favorite pairing. I like Hakkai/Gojyo, really! It's all Anthey's fault, she talked about what this song could mean and after the images wouldn't leave me alone graciously gifted me with the chance to (steal her idea, um...) write it.
Hakkai will never leave me. He thinks I won't survive it. I dunnno, I've come through a lot of shit in my life and it hasn't broken me yet. He might be right on this one though. Without him around I'd probably end up dead one way or another.
It was really natural the way we just sort of fell together. I mean, we already knew each other's big, dark secrets, right? The bad stuff and the good stuff. And man, the good stuff was good for awhile and damn if it still isn't worth it some of the time. But see, not usually and that's the problem.
Hakkai will never leave me. A lot of the time I wish he would.
We were just, you know, going along great and then he started... assuming things. Like I would stay home with him or pick up my socks, stuff like that. I remember once we were at the bar and I stole a kiss from this really fine lady, and when I turned around he had this look on his face. It hurt, that look. I hate feeling like I did then.
Most of the time though we just go along living, nothing too good or too bad, like most people I guess. I'll surprise him by learning a new word or something, he'll make my favorite dinner and it's nice and warm; we laugh together and the sex is great. It almost feels like a real home here with him. Then I'll do something or say something and he gets cold and hurt and pulls away again and it's always, always my fault.
Hakkai will never leave me. Some days that's the only thing I'm waiting for.
Gojyo will never be the one to end this relationship. Maybe one day I'll decide it's over and pack my things. Not today, however.
I don't know what I expected, really. I suppose I bought into the idea that love would be enough to see us through, that it would conquer any problems. Surprising, that I could have any naiveté left.
Perhaps this is all I can ever have in a relationship anymore, this painful blend of heated belonging and empty loneliness. Some days it's more than I deserve, when he comes home early and tries to read one of my books so we can talk about it. And some days it's exactly what I deserve, when he sits in bewildered sullenness, not able to comprehend what he's done to hurt me.
It's not his fault, really, that he can't be trusted. I let this thing between us happen and occasionally I'm not sorry at all. Most days however, it's simply another item on my list of quiet regrets.
I can't claim I didn't know what he was like, though our coming together was the most natural thing in the world to me. He's like the photograph of my negative, he's bright in the places I carry darkness and I simply couldn't resist. Besides, he needed me. It's a very powerful feeling, to be necessary to someone.
He still does, whether he admits it or not. He'd fall apart if I wasn't around, sliding into the gentle death he was courting before. He saved me, and I'll always owe him for that, though some days I curse him for that as well. Privately, of course.
One day I will decide I've served my penance, and the love isn't worth the pain. On that day I'll walk away from him.
But not today.