"Monday Morning Church"
Rating: PG-13 for language
Disclaimer: I own crap. They wouldn't even give me the bloody Lost poster at Disney, and that ruined my day. ABC owns anything and almost everything Lost related. Alan Jackson owns the song.
Summary: REVISED. One-shot. It was Ethan that got a hold of Sawyer's gun and shot her. But it was me who ultimately killed her. Charlie-centric.
A/n: My mom is obsessed with CMT, and this song came on, and it gave me an idea. So I ran with it. Charlie-centric, as most of my other fic are… There is a little hint of Charlie/Claire… teehee. Just as a warning, I've gone a little Shakespeare crazy! And this is a revised version after seeing the promo for "Homecoming…" IT DAMN WELL BETTER NOT BE ETHAN! I will cry harder if Ethan dies than if Claire dies.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Life was good. Great actually. While DriveSHAFT wasn't totally off the ground yet, familiar faces seemed to keep popping up at each concert. We were starting to get a good following of fans. It was an odd experience having people, who you didn't have any clue as to who they were, call out your name.
As Liam said, we were: "Bloody rock gods!"
But that was only at shows. Liam had us booked for nearly the entire weekend. That would be if the weekend started on a Thursday night and lasted until Saturday. I refused to play on Sundays. The rest of the band agreed.
Liam had no choice but to go along with it. But that didn't change the fact that it was the experience of a lifetime. Of ten lifetimes. And I was lucky enough to enjoy it not only with my brother and best friends, but with Caitlin.
Caitlin. The name still brought bittersweet tears to my eyes. She was what made everything enjoyable. All of the stuff that happened. All the girls, the alcohol, the drugs (not that I had even begun to use them yet), just all the stress that went on with a show. Caitlin was always just a phone call away.
I'm not saying that I didn't like shows, it was just that some of the bad parts of it that weren't to my liking. It was just that everyone else was changing.
Everyone except for me.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Chad was the first. He was our drummer. We all called him "Chip" because he hated it so much. It was all in good fun. But everyone has a fuse. Chip's wasn't very long. At first it was just slight little differences. He caused a chain reaction. I wish I could have forgiven him before the stupid crash, but I never did. Now it was just eating me away even more. Just like every other bloody thing.
Devon quit the band. Stupid bastard. After Chip started using drugs, he fell into it to. Then his girlfriend made him go to rehab. He did, and then came out of it totally different. He said he had to quit. That left us a lead guitarist short.
By that point I was beginning to get scared. Liam was slowly changing too. He got all wrapped up in girls and getting drunk every night. Then there was that one day when I saw him hanging out with "Puck" the guitarist that was Liam's friend from school.
I did not like him at all. But unlike before it now seemed that my opinion was worth shit. I tried to stay sane. Hanging on the phone all the time with Caitlin. She was my rock. If it weren't for her, I would have been in the same boat as everyone else long before I jumped in.
It was partially her fault that I turned to the bloody heroin in the first place. Once again, I could feel the tears threatening to unleash themselves just at the thought of her. I loved her. I really did.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Did, being the key word. It was March 28th. I remembered that clearly. It was a Sunday. Liam had planned a show, and I was going to not go, but I was the only one that stood for what DriveSHAFT was anymore. I couldn't just let the name of the band go down. If it hadn't already.
So I went. I played. Liam sang over me again. He always promised not to do that. "You All Everybody," was our song. I wrote it, and I was supposed to sing the chorus. He was too high on the bloody heroin.
I had gone to church that morning with Caitlin. She knew how upset I about playing, so she drove all the way out, went to some strange church and then said she was going to see the show. My eyes scanned the crowd for someone her. Her long brown hair (which was normally pulled back into a pony tail) and her bluest of blue eyes.
It took me nearly half the show to find her, but I did. She was standing in a corner of the place, listening with a smile on her face. I wished we had more fans like her. Not anymore.
I barely got to see her enjoying our music live anymore. She had the demo EP, and every time I called she was listening to it. But her just being there made it seem right again, that I was continuing to do this for the right reasons.
The concert ended after what seemed like forever. I just kept concentrating on Caitlin. I really did love her. So much. I met up with her backstage. "Amazing show Ly," she said, using the nickname that I hated so much. It was short for 'Lysander.' Caitlin was an English major, and she just loved Shakespeare. After our second date, that was how she said goodbye, and she never stopped calling me that.
So it only seemed right that I called her 'Hermia,' because anyone who read the play knows that those two end up falling in love by the end.
"Thanks Herm," I smiled, wrapping my arm around her. She giggled. I played with the ring in my pocket. I decided that tonight was going to be the night. I had known her since seventh grade. It was time enough now. We went to the same church, we were confirmed together. We did everything together.
I couldn't keep the smile from my face. I knew she was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We walked towards one of the smaller back rooms. Chip, Liam and Puck were sitting around, drunk as hell again.
I sighed. "They're bloody useless," I said. Caitlin just shook her head.
Soon we were in a room by ourselves. Well, for the night I shared it with Liam (since the show had been at a hotel), but he wouldn't come stumbling in at about three in the morning, high or drunk… or both.
But none of that mattered right now. I wouldn't have to put up with that alone. Caitlin was there. As soon as the door closed, she pushed me on to the bed and then sat down at the end of it. "I love you Charlie," she said quietly.
"I love you too Cate," I said, sitting up
There was some silence. Our eyes locked. It was now. Now! I reached into my pocket and pulled out the engagement ring. "I have a present for you love," I said sheepishly with a smile.
"A present Ly, you shouldn't have!" She giggled.
"Close your eyes." She did.
Slowly, I slipped the ring on her finger. "What are you up to Charlie?" she asked,
I didn't answer her at first. I kissed her hand, and she opened her eyes. At first they lingered on me, and then they moved down to the ring on her finger. I saw her eyes go wide in shock.
"Charlie?" she asked. I could hear the awe in her voice.
I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. "Will you, love?" I asked.
At first I could tell she was too stunned to speak. It wasn't quite what I was expecting, but I knew it was a good thing.
"Herm?" I asked.
She blinked a few times. Before kissing me. I took that as a yes.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"The preacher came by Sunday
Said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
But I'm not sure I deserve it…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Even with all the horrible things that went on that day, that week, that month, that year. Everything bad up to that moment was forgotten. It was as if I was a new person. I was going to start a new life.
It would all be perfect.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Perfect. Ha. DriveSHAFT was getting bigger and bigger. And the urges were getting harder and harder to control. I found myself having to remind me that I had a fiancé. I couldn't be with different girls every night.
It did hit me that if I had to remind myself about Caitlin, that maybe we shouldn't get married. But we already set the date, and if I wasn't drunk I knew I loved her. But more recently, we had been so far away from home, just touring around, trying to get our music heard, trying to get signed. I called Caitlin all the time. But the phone calls got further and further apart. Three times a week. Once a week. Once every few weeks.
I hated myself for doing it, but I couldn't keep myself away. I even tried some of Liam's drugs. Never again. I was ruining my life. My perfect life. I had to do something about it.
We had one final concert in this leg. I couldn't do it. I had a bad feeling. I never liked bad feelings.
"Chill baby brother," Liam said, carefreelike.
"I can't Liam!" I said quickly. "I can't do this. Not right now. I need to go."
"GO WHERE?" he shouted angrily at my retreating back.
"Caitlin! Or don't you remember her?" I turned around and glared angrily at Liam. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't high. I was Charlie.
"Your girlfriend?" he asked.
"My fiancé…" I snapped, before storming out.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
It took me so long to get home. I was going as fast as possible. I didn't want to get in trouble, I just needed to get home. It felt like the right thing to do. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed her number. I hadn't talked to her in such a long time.
It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang some more.
There was no answer. I cursed out loud and sped up. Only ten more minutes.
Nine. I looked around frantically. I had to get there.
Seven. I turned the radio off. I couldn't stand it. The noise was driving me nuts.
Three. The street was too quiet. It was odd.
Two and half. That was when I came upon it. The scene of the worst experience of my life. THE WORST. I can't think of anything to date that was anywhere as bad as that. Except for… I wasn't about to go into that.
Two cars, one completely totaled. It was only when I recognized the car that my heart stopped.
"Hermia," I whispered almost silently.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"'Cause the faithful man that you loved
Is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
And laid it in the ground…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
My worst fears came to life that night. I jumped out of the car. According to the bloody idiots there, she had been killed instantly. I felt like scum. Bloody scum. I hadn't called her, I hadn't talked to her.
The tears stung my eyes. I couldn't stand it. It was all so much to handle. I called the only person I knew I could talk to as I held her cold, limp hand.
I heard the phone pick up. "Hello?" As usual, he must have been high. Or drunk. Or both.
"Liam?" I asked, not being able to hide the sorrow in my voice.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the abandonee," he slurred. This was just bloody wonderful. "What the hell do you want?"
I choked back the sobs that wanted to escape so horribly. Was this my life? Was that what was to become of me? Was I supposed to be like Liam? Is that why they took Caitlin away from me?
"Liam," I said, not quite able to get anything else. "She's gone."
All I got in response was a: "Sod off!" Before he hung up.
This was my life. I was utterly alone. It was cold. Caitlin was dead. Liam hated me. I had no where to go. No where to turn.
My life ended that night. I had nothing left to keep me going. I didn't have my music. I didn't have my fiancé. What did I have? It was my fault, all my fault. I just couldn't find it in my heart to forgive myself.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
I discovered that night who I could fall upon. I had no money, I couldn't stay anywhere. I had no gas. I couldn't go anywhere. Caitlin was dead. I was never going to hear her laugh, hear her sing along with our songs. I was never going to see her smile, or flick her hair.
The thoughts made me break down. I was sitting on the curbside. People kept asking me if I was okay. What did I say? I said yes, what else was I going to say. But this was just one of the things that I knew I would never get over. No matter how drunk I got, no matter how high I got. No matter what.
A car drove past and honked the horn. I didn't look up. My head was buried in my hands. I was trying to block the world out. Trying to go back in time, to stop it all from happening. But it didn't work.
I heard a car door slam. A few sobs escaped me. I was shivering and didn't even know it. I was so focused. Her picture was so clear in my head. I missed her already. I didn't know what I was going to do.
An arm draped around my shoulders. That pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Charlie. I heard what happened."
I recognized the voice. I turned to look at Devon. While he didn't look happy, he looked better than I felt. I hadn't seen him in such a long time. I didn't speak, I couldn't. It was as if everything was welling up right there in my throat and it all got stuck. I just let the tears fall.
Devon understood. I could feel it. It was just this sense I had. "Come on Charlie."
I had no where else to go. I had nothing else I could do. So I got into his car. I sat in the back, curled up. I just wanted it all to end. All the pain. All the hate I felt. Everything. But it didn't go away.
It never would.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
But the problem was, life went on. It was beginning to pass me by. I can't recall how many times Liam called me to apologize. He just didn't get it did he? My life was hell. I didn't have my music anymore, he had ruined that. I didn't have Caitlin, that was God's fault. He took her away from me.
I had no faith anymore. I had nothing. I spent a lot of time at Devon's house. Before and after the funeral especially. Caitlin's parents were there. I had totally forgotten about them. They had lost a daughter. I had lost the love of my life.
We were technically in the same boat here. I didn't cry at the funeral. I couldn't bring myself to cry in front of her parents, or mine, or Liam. Liam had come. I don't know why.
He apologized in person, and I couldn't help but forgive him. He promised me he'd get himself cleaned up and that he wouldn't abandon me again like he had before. I had a bad feeling about it, but he was my brother. I couldn't just hate him for the rest of my life.
Caitlin's mother (Mrs. Duvale) walked over to me half way through everything and hugged me tightly. She then proceeded to tell me that I was the son she never had, and that I was welcomed to spend time with her whenever I needed it.
I nodded, and sniffled slightly. The woman let her emotions run. I wished I could. But I let it all get bottled up inside of me. When she went to leave she stopped herself and turned around. "Chris and I… we thought… we thought that maybe you'd want this back." She handed me the ring that I had given Caitlin what seemed like forever ago.
Quickly, I shook my head and went to give it back to her. She simply shook her head. "Caitlin would have wanted you to have it Charlie."
Once again, I nodded. This time the tears came to my eyes. Slowly, they began to fall. "Thank you," I said quietly. I knew that after Caitlin I would never love again. I could never love anyone as much as I loved her.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"I still believe in Heaven
And I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love, girl
I don't have a prayer…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Time passed. I used to visit Caitlin every Sunday, and I would sing quietly in the wind. But DriveSHAFT was getting back off of the ground. We had even gotten a recording contract. I was overjoyed when I told her the news. Sometimes I wished that I could get a response back from her, but I knew that was impossible. But I spoke to her anyways.
After her death, my life started cascading downhill. Liam never kept his promise. Then I got hooked as well. I was nothing more than a good for nothing junkie. I knew that Caitlin would have been so disappointed in me if she would have been there. But she was the main reason for my downfall.
And it was my fault, maybe if I would have called her earlier, she would have been on the phone with me, and the accident wouldn't have happened. But the past was the past. And there was nothing anyone could ever do to change it.
I would never get a second chance with Caitlin, except in death. And now, here I was, stranded on some bloody island. And I found myself slowly falling back in love. Claire was no Caitlin, but she reminded me a lot of her. The way she smiled. The way she acted.
She would never ever be Caitlin, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe this was what Caitlin wanted. She wanted me to move on after her. Locke took my drugs. The withdrawal was horrible. I saw her everywhere I looked. Caitlin was everywhere. She kept telling me to move on.
But it was just something one couldn't move on from. It was my bloody fault that she had died. While I know somewhere deep down inside that it was not my fault, it was just something that I couldn't stop myself from feeling. I had myself convinced that I had killed her.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Now Claire was gone. They had both been taken from me. It was as if I was never supposed to enjoy love. I was lucky. I had found true love twice. And both times they were taken away from me. When I had realized what happened to Claire, I knew that she was with Caitlin now.
Ethan had killed her, like he tried to kill me. But I had to suffer. Locke's words echoed through my head:
"Now, I could help it. Take my knife, gently widen the opening, and the moth would be free. But it would be too weak to survive. Struggle's nature's way of strengthening…"
Locke was right. But maybe I just wasn't supposed to survive. I couldn't take the struggle.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Kinda odd. I found it odd that these were the thoughts that were running through my head in the moments leading up to my death. I knew that this island was going to take me. I just didn't know when.
I didn't know that we were going to be stuck there as long as we had been. Who knows how long it would be until the others got off the island, or were killed by whatever it was that was out there? Just like I had been.
But unlike Locke, I never got to see the beauty of the island as he so lovingly called it after Claire died. He told me that she had seen it, that was why she had died. Then what hadn't he died? It didn't make any sense.
What did make sense was Ethan. Ethan wasn't on the plane. Ethan was the one who took Claire away from me, and ultimately reunited me with her. I cried right after she died. I should have just told her not to do it, instead of try to convince her that it was the right thing to do.
It was Ethan that got a hold of Sawyer's gun and shot her. But it was me who ultimately killed her, just like Caitlin. And now he had killed me with probably the same gun. After finally almost getting over her death, I went out on a quest to find that bastard and kill him. For taking everything away from me.
Well, I had found him, a little too late. He shot me, but didn't kill me, then he left.
And now I was lying on the ground, coughing every now and then, waiting for death to take me. It wasn't coming fast enough. That was why I suffered through the memories, the ones that I tried so hard to forget.
It had been a long time since my eyes had become blurry, and I could still feel the dull pain of the shot, but it was fading away. Everything was slowly fading.
And if I listened, I could closely hear someone calling my name. "Charlie… Charlie…"
I smiled as the world faded into darkness I could still hear my name being called. "Charlie…Charlie…" It was Claire and Caitlin. They were waiting. Now, they wouldn't have to wait anymore.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Fin.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO