The room was dark, the air was still, and the pleasant mental fog of half-sleep filled Liara's mind, beckoning her to once again pass into a peaceful slumber as she slid her arm across the mattress, seeking the warmth of the Human with whom she shared her bed, and her life. After several seconds of through exploration, she had turned up empty in her search. As she slowly opened her eyes and blinked away the grogginess clouding them, she could see he had left the comforting cocoon of blankets, thus beginning a series of events that had become almost routine. She sat up, and turned to stand. As she did, she caught a glimpse of the holographic omni-clock on her bedside table; a quarter to 0300. She donned a simple, loose fitting t-shirt and pair of shorts before exiting the pitch-black bedroom for the main living area of the apartment.
The living room was illuminated only by the glow of the vast skyline that stretched on for kilometers outside the apartment windows. Liara didn't have to search long for the Human's whereabouts, as they had repeated this same unpleasant ritual almost every night. Shepard leaned on the railing of the apartment balcony, looking out onto the city below. It was a perfect summer night, warm but not too humid, a gentle breeze blowing between the towering buildings that made up one of Earth's great megalopolises.
What they say about the indomitable Human spirit was proven to be more than just idle words in the aftermath of the Reaper War. The Systems Alliance wasted no time rebuilding its worlds, its bases, its fleets, even its troops. Only a little over a year had passed since the defeat of the eldritch machine race, and already the cities of Earth had been nearly fully rebuilt. As Shepard looked over the vast cityscape from the apartment balcony, the only evidence that he could see of there ever being any attack on the city whatsoever was the memorial plaza several blocks down the street, its large eternal flame burning bright in darkness of night, commemorating the men and women who died during the war.
Sometimes Shepard would wish that he was one of those lost souls that flame memorialized. He would then chastise himself for having such a dark wish in the first place. He would tell himself that he was exceedingly fortunate to have survived, and to have friends and loved ones to come back to. But when the ghosts of those lost, of those he couldn't save come back to him night after night, sometimes, he thinks, sometimes the oblivion of non-existence would be preferable.
Shepard didn't look away from his view as Liara stepped out onto the balcony and wrapped her arm around his back and leaned into his shoulder.
"Nightmare?" She asked simply. "The same damn one." He replied, his voice heavy and tired.
The forest, the boy, the whispers, the flames. Night after night Shepard was haunted by these same images. The countless lives lost, from every world, every species, every walk of life, all deprived of the most basic desire of all beings: to live. The death toll was still being calculated as most of the galaxy continued to pick up the pieces, though even with only partial counts it was obvious that an incomprehensible amount of people had perished during the Reaper's onslaught. For Shepard, that number represented the number of people he had failed. Every time the death count was updated it felt like losing all over again.
The pair remained silent for several minutes before Liara finally broke the silence, "You can't blame yourself for what happened." She had expressed this sentiment to her bondmate on numerous occasions after he had first divulged the nature of his nightmares to her, and every time he was equally dismissive.
Shepard didn't respond at first, however after a few moments, he stated, "I got an extranet message from a representative of the new Quarian civilian government, they wanted to invite me to the dedication of their first colony." He paused for a moment, inhaling sharply. "They're naming it after me. An entire planet."
Liara looked up at him, unsure of the point he was trying to make. He wore his usual stoic expression, but she had learned to see through his well-practiced façade and see the immense pain that sat just beneath the surface.
"The entire galaxy thinks I'm a hero." Shepard said plainly, still not looking away from the vast forest of skyscrapers in the distance, and the skycars that weaved between them. "That's because you are." Liara interjected. Shepard shook his head slightly as he cast his gaze down. "If I was half the hero they think I am, Ashley wouldn't have died distracting the Geth from me. Mordin wouldn't have had to sacrifice himself to keep my promise to the Krogan. Thane, Jenkins, and billions of others would still be alive if I had fought harder. If I had been more persuasive to the Council. If I had…"
Shepard fell silent, his jaw clenched tight as a single tear rolled down his face, falling down to the ground below. Liara squeezed him tighter, hoping that her presence would provide some small comfort. She only wished she could do more.
They had now entered the second half of this unpleasant nightly event, wherein Shepard, having been coaxed back to bed, tosses and turns, waiting for sleep he knows will never come. Liara, for her part, stays close to him, trying to bring him whatever small comfort she can. It was at that time when the Asari reflected on the situation. Though it had been some time since they last bonded, she didn't need to enter his mind to see that the psychological distress Shepard was experiencing was far more than just a nightmare. Apathy and self-loathing were his perpetual moods. Despite his promotion to Admiral, he hadn't set foot within Alliance command since before the war. In fact he hardly left their apartment at all, shutting out the world to a near total degree, keeping himself at arm's length from his co-workers, his friends, even her.
"You can't go on like this." Liara said softly, pulling herself closer to Shepard. "What do you mean?" he mumbled, feigning ignorance.
"You know what I mean." she said, her voice warm, but stern. "These nightmares, these thoughts, the pain you carry around all the time." There was a long pause before Shepard responded, "I failed billions of people, and they died because of it. It's better than I deserve."
Liara's rebuttal was sharp, "That's not true and you know it. You did far more than anyone else ever could. Blaming yourself for everything isn't productive, and it isn't healthy."
Shepard sat up, turning to face Liara as she did the same. "What are you saying?" he asked, trying to sound indigent, but the unease in his voice was obvious.
"I'm saying you need help, Shepard." Liara stated flatly, Locking eyes with Shepard's. He could feel the full force of her cobalt blue eyes through the darkness of the room.
"It's just a bad dream, I'll be fine." he said dismissively.
Liara shook her head. "It's more than that." She stated, unwilling to let the issue go.
"I spoke to some of the doctors at the local Alliance medical center, they said they could give you a full exam, discuss therapy or medication or-" Liara's words were cut short as Sheaprd scoffed, standing from the bed.
"There isn't a single man or woman in the Alliance, in the whole damn Milky Way that isn't traumatized by the Reapers. There are people far worse off than I am, people who need therapists and meds a hell of a lot more than me. Save it for them." As Shepard fell silent it was then Liara's turn to scoff, as she too stood from the bed.
"How typical of you." Liara exclaimed, exasperation filling her voice. Shepard merely looked on, taken aback by her sudden shift in tone.
"You give help with such largess, but never accept it when it's offered to you. You forgive when anyone else would hold a grudge, but blame yourself for all the galaxy's problems. Just this once, let someone else help you. Let me help you. Please." Shepard lowered his head as she spoke, unable to face Liara, the pain evident in her eyes.
"Please…" she repeated, softer this time. "I feel like we've been drifting apart for months. I need you to stay with me. I love you, Shepard. Goddess, I can't lose you, not again."
There was a long, pregnant pause as the Human and Asari, centimeters apart, drew closer until their foreheads pressed together. Shepard gingerly wrapped his arms around Liara's waist and whispered, "All right, I'll go. Anything for you."
Liara laughed a bittersweet laugh as she said, "You're still being selfless."
He pulled her closer, "I've lost so many, I can't lose you. You're all I have."