Disclaimer: Not mine. Not a single one of them.

Author's notes: This is my first venture into OC fanfiction, so I'm a bit nervous about this. This will likely be ninety percent melodrama, but I have a fondness for Angsty!Ryan and am a sucker for soap opera-ish plots. Please let me know if this is worth continuing, seeing as I've never written for these characters before. Thanks for reading.

Oh, and this story deals with a lot of dark themes, including death and suicide, so consider yourself warned.

Letting Go

By Dulcey

I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
Pulled down by the undertow
Never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness, I feel like letting go

--Sarah McLachlan, "Full of Grace"

The goodbyes had been harder than he realized.

First had been the day before yesterday, at the airport with Kirsten and Seth. Sandy was coming to Boston College with him to help him move into his dorm room, while Kirsten was going up to Berkeley with Seth. He still couldn't believe that he was actually going. College hadn't been something he had let himself think about in Chino, he'd never even been out of California, and then he had stolen a car and met the Cohens and now he was about to fly clear across the country to spend four years at a university.

Of course, the moving across the country part had been his idea. He had a feeling that the Cohens would have preferred that he had stayed close, gone to UCLA or USC, or Berkeley with Seth. To be honest, he had liked the sound of that, but after graduation and the funeral, he knew he needed to get away, the farther the better. Boston was far, it was a good school, and he had been accepted. It had almost been too easy to get Sandy and Kirsten to agree.

Ryan drew in a ragged breath as he thought about his goodbyes to Kirsten and Seth two days ago. Kirsten had packed a bag of snacks for him for the flight (none of them homemade, thankfully) and hugged him for so long that he started to think that he would miss his flight if she didn't let go soon. But he had hugged her back, and told her that he loved her when she finally let go of him. He had hugged Seth, and told him "See you, brother". Seth knew that he loved him, and besides, it would have embarrassed the shit out of both of them if Ryan had actually said it right there in the airport.

He had never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, and it had definitely felt weird being so affectionate to Kirsten and Seth, and to Sandy when he had seen him off at Logan that afternoon. But the truth was, he loved all of them and he wanted to let them know that before he left. Give them a nice final memory, something to hold onto in his absence.

And now here he was, alone in a city where he didn't know a soul, just like he'd been planning for months now. For three months he had waited, put on an act for the Cohens so they wouldn't suspect what was really going on in his head. He had pulled it off admirably well, masking the darkness in his head without overcompensating and acting too okay, too fine. No one had suspected a thing, and he almost felt hurt by that.

Almost, but not quite. Besides, it would be easier if it were true, if they didn't care about him as much as he thought they did. It would still upset them, he knew, but they would get over it.

It should have been you, Ryan! You should be the one it happened to! The familiar voice hissed inside his head.

Don't worry, Julie, Ryan thought. You'll get your wish.

He closed his eyes and thought about graduation night, how Marissa had gotten drunk and how he had insisted that she give him her keys and let him drive her home. How she had refused, slapping his face when he tried to pry them out of her hand. He had given up, let her drive away but driving home the next morning, he had passed a slew of police cars and a familiar-looking SUV, and somehow knew that Marissa was dead, even before he and Seth arrived home and Sandy and Kirsten were waiting to tell them the bad news.

At the funeral, Julie Cooper had cornered him and told him, in words that were dripping with venom, that if there had been any justice in the world, it would have been Ryan who was being buried that day. That he had caused Marissa nothing but pain and that she would be alive today if it hadn't been for him, and she would never forgive him for this. Julie backed off when she saw Kirsten approaching them, and when his foster mother asked him later if Julie had said anything to upset him, he had lied and said she was just upset over Marissa.

Julie had been right, though. Marissa would have been alive if he had been firmer and not let her take off in her car when he knew she'd had too much to drink. It was his fault that she was dead, and there was no way he could make anyone understand that. He had planned his suicide carefully, waiting patiently until he was far enough away so that none of them would be the ones to find his body. He would spare them that, at the least. He had said his goodbyes, and given them comforting last memories of him to hold on to. There was nothing left to do but slash his wrists with the razor he was now holding in his hand.

Part of him felt bad that his new roommate, whoever he was, would likely be the one to find him. Not bad enough, though. If he cared about something like that, it would mean that he didn't really want to die, and Ryan was fairly certain that death was exactly what he wanted.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. A single tear slid down his cheek. He summoned his courage, then slashed angrily with the razor down the length of his arm. It didn't hurt as much as he'd thought it would. He changed hands and repeated the action, then sank down on his bed as the blood began to flow out of him. He thought of the Cohens one last time before sinking into darkness.