Author's Notes:
Um, wow, this chapter took awhile. Not because of writer's block or anything, just real life getting in the way. Had an awesome weekend involving alcohol, drag kings, and the Boston Red Sox, but didn't get much chance to write.
This chapter is more depressing than the last one, mostly due to my own bleakness at facing another four years of Bush. But the new season starts tomorrow, so there's reason to hope.
Leentje—I was planning on doing some Ryan-in-therapy scenes while he's still in the hospital. I didn't get around to it in this chapter, but I definitely plan on having them soon.
Elzed—I can't begin to say how flattered I am that you like my story (and thanks for the rec at TwoP!). I'm addicted to the Chinos Redux, and I really enjoyed A Chino Dream as well. It's such a compliment to hear your favorite writers say that they like your story.
Tanya—I've never seen Smallville, so I had no idea that Adam Brody guest-starred. I find it hard to picture him as evil—he just seems too cute and dorky for that. The only other thing I've seen him in was when he was Lane's boyfriend Dave on Gilmore Girls.
HateToSayIToldYouSo—Speaking of favorite writers, I just read your first OC story, which I'd somehow missed, and absolutely loved it. I'm in awe of how well you know your characters. So now that you've finished that story so perfectly, maybe you'll have time to update Don't Let Go?
Melanie39—Thanks for all your reviews. I love the stories that you've written so far, and would love to see more from you as well.
The hopeful feeling lasted until the Cohens left at nine. Ryan was trying to distract himself with unpackaging his new Discman and CDs when the night nurse came in at nine ten with his medication. She took one look at the pile of CDs on the dresser and shook her head.
"Ryan, where did you get those?" she asked firmly.
Ryan felt annoyed by her use of his first name, but decided to let it go. "The Cohens brought them. That's okay, isn't it?"
The nurse shook her head. "I'm sorry, Ryan, but you're not allowed to have CDs on this ward. It's too dangerous."
He couldn't believe it. How was taking away his music and treating him like a little kid going to help him? He thought he had been very patient about the situation, all things considered, but he'd had enough. Tomorrow, he would see Dr. Brennerman and check himself out of this place. "Fine," Ryan answered shortly, picking up the CDs and shoving them toward the nurse. "But I'm not taking any more medications."
"Can I ask why?" his nurse asked, looking none too pleased. She looked like the no-nonsense type to him, sort of a modern-day Nurse Ratched. Ryan knew that crossing her wouldn't be the smartest move, but he was tired of passively submitting and playing along.
"I just don't want them," Ryan shrugged. "I don't think they're doing me any good, and I don't think this hospital is doing me any good."
Nurse Ratched looked even crosser than before, if that was possible. "Now, Ryan, am I going to have to call your doctor or are you going to take your medications like a good boy?"
"I'm not a boy!" Ryan snapped. "I'm over eighteen and you can't keep me here! So yes, call my doctor. I've had it with this place. I want out."
Nurse Ratched shook her head. "I'm afraid that's not an option, Ryan."
"Yes it is," Ryan insisted. "I'm over eighteen and I'm free to leave any time I want."
"Ryan, you made a very serious suicide attempt," Nurse Ratched informed him. "You're still a danger to yourself and it would be irresponsible and unprofessional to release you at this point in time."
"I'm not going to kill myself," Ryan insisted. "And besides, I'm an adult. You can't keep me here without my permission."
"I'm afraid that's not the case this time," the nurse told him. "Your family agreed with your doctor that you aren't capable of making decisions for yourself at this point in time, and they want you to remain here until we feel that you're doing better."
Ryan shook his head. "You're lying." She was, wasn't she? The Cohens wouldn't lock him up like this without his permission. That was something Julie Cooper would do, not Kirsten Cohen. Not Sandy, and definitely not Seth. They didn't think he was crazy...did they?
Nurse Ratched shook her head. "Your parents signed the papers to keep you here until next week. They only want what's best for you, Ryan."
Ryan felt like he'd been slapped. Dawn was always moody when she was coming off a bender, and there were times as a child when she'd laughed at one of his jokes one moment and suddenly slapped him the next. He felt that same mixture of surprise and hurt that he'd known as a kid. The same sense of betrayal.
"They care about you, Ryan," Nurse Ratched told him, her voice softening as she saw his stunned expression. "They wouldn't do this if they didn't love you."
Ryan shrugged and held out his hand for the medication. He didn't know how he was supposed to face the Cohens tomorrow, and all he wanted was to be able to not to think about this right now. The nurse dropped the pills into his hand as she told him that she was glad he was making the right choice. He washed them down with a cup of water and felt the sedation immediately kick in. Much better.
He climbed into bed and fell asleep.
Sandy and Seth were at the dorm the following morning at nine thirty sharp, despite Seth's insistence that no college student would ever be up that early. Sandy was adamant: Ryan's clothes and personal possessions needed to be retrieved and shipped back to California, and the sooner, the better. What Sandy didn't tell his son was that he was dreading this task most of all. This was where it had happened. He had helped Ryan move into his room, had taken him out to dinner and to a baseball game at Fenway Park, with Sandy unashamedly cheering on the Yankees while Ryan sided with the Red Sox. At the end of the game, with the Sox squeaking out a one-run win in extra innings, Ryan had shouted in triumph, Sandy had sulked, and on the spur of the moment, Ryan had dumped his cup of soda onto Sandy's head.
The boy had apologized an instant later, but there was a gleam in his eyes that made Sandy suspect that Ryan wasn't that sorry. Sandy hadn't minded. The clothes would be fine once they were washed, and there was something special about seeing Ryan do something spontaneous like that. Ryan had been so quiet and withdrawn all summer, and it was so good to see him having fun again.
The next day, Ryan had accompanied Sandy to the airport, hugged him goodbye in a rare display of affection, and returned to the dorm and cut open his wrists. Sandy had gone over and over those days in his mind, trying to pick up on clues he might have missed, any hints of what Ryan had been planning.
He still couldn't find any. Sandy didn't know whether to feel guilty or relieved.
Sandy and Seth were met in the lobby by a tall dark-haired boy who introduced himself as Ryan's suitemate Todd. Sandy wondered if this was the suitemate who had found Ryan, but didn't know how to ask. Even if he had been able to ask, he didn't know what he would have said next. Sandy Cohen wasn't often at a loss for words, and it would have been funny if it hadn't been so damn depressing.
Todd escorted Sandy and Seth upstairs and let them into the room that Ryan would have shared with his roommate, apologizing that he had class in ten minutes and couldn't stay. Sandy noticed that the boy seemed uncomfortable, and couldn't blame him. Todd was obviously shaken about what had happened, and a conversation with the family of your suitemate who tried to kill himself before school even started was bound to be awkward.
Ryan's side of the room looked just like Sandy remembered. The clothes were hanging neatly in the closet, and his books arranged on the bookshelf he and Sandy had bought the previous weekend.. The only difference was the bed, which had been stripped bare. Seth and Sandy stood awkwardly in the center of the room, uncertain as to what to do.
"So...this is weird," Seth noted. "Are you sure Ryan's not coming back here when he gets out of the hospital?"
Sandy sighed. "Seth..."
Seth held up his hands. "Sorry. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this."
Sandy placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "I know it can't be easy for you. But Ryan needs us to be here for him right now."
Seth shook his head and began taking books off of the shelves. Sandy sighed and started to clear out Ryan's closet, taking the clothes off the hangers and laying them down onto the bed. He was on his third trip to the closet when his eye spotted a small red dot near the foot of the bed. He knelt down to get a better look, and froze as he realized what it was.
It was blood. Ryan's blood. Sandy turned away as he felt the nausea rise. He slid down onto the floor, bringing his knees to his chest. It was real. It hadn't been a mistake, or a bad dream. Something was terribly wrong with Ryan, and he hadn't come to him or to Kirsten. They had failed their son.
"Dad, are you okay?" Seth asked in concern, kneeling by his father. "What happened?"
Sandy wrapped his oldest son in a crushing embrace as he felt the first tear fall.