Disclaimer: Don't own Gilmore Girls
Spoilers: I didn't read all the spoilers but I know about the Chris/Luke fight at the wedding and that Luke wants a break. That's all that's mentioned in the story.
AN: The story is told from Lorelai's and Luke's POV
Hope you like it. Please RR. I won't beg'cause that would be - to say it in Lorelai's words - pathetic pathetic ;)
Tonight when I opened my door he was the last person I expected to see, the last person I wanted to see. No, actually my mother is the last person I want to see.
Now he's sitting across me trying to apologize yet again but I've had enough. An apology is not enough anymore.
"Christopher, I've heard all your apologies. There's nothing you can say that would make this any better. You did many stupid things and I always forgave you but to bond with my mother and to cause a rift between Luke and me…that's unbelievable."
"Lor, she told me it was our last chance. It probably is our last chance."
"No, Christopher. Don't you get it. There are no chances. Our last chance was before we knew that Sherry was pregnant. I can't believe that you did it after all I've done for you. I offered to be your friend. I didn't want you to feel like you have no place in our lives. I helped you a bit with Gigi and I tried to be there for you when Straub died. And what do you do? You help Emily to destroy the best relationship I ever had."
Christopher gets quiet after that and he looks down. I don't know if he's processing everything I just said or if he's thinking of ways to convince me otherwise.
"I love you Lor." – I guess it's the latter one.
"Oh, God! This has nothing to do with it. Love doesn't have to do anything with it!" – I say exasperated and get up.
"Of course it has to do with love. I love you." – He is standing now too. He's looking me in the eyes and I see seriousness written all over his face. "Lorelai, look me in the face and tell me that you don't love me."
"I can't."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
It's been another long day. Another day without her. But that is my own fault. I pushed her away. I never thought that I'd be capable of doing that. I never wanted to be without her again. Once we got together and I was able to see all of her and to show her all of me I never wanted to let go. I knew the first time Christopher became a topic in our relationship that I needed to find a way to accept the fact that he is a part of her life. I thought I managed it very well.
Then the fight at the wedding happened and I pushed her away. Asked her for a break, asked her for time to think. The expression on her face when she heard my words is etched in my mind. I see it everytime I close my eyes. Yet I didn't do anything to erase it.
I don't remember the last time I went for a run. Tonight after I closed the diner thoughts of her and our 'break' didn't let me rest. I tried everything to take my thoughts off of her – watched TV, read, paced and even cleaned up my closet. Watching the TV I remembered buying one just for her so she could watch it in bed. The book I read was one that Rory gave it to her but she couldn't find time to read it. Pacing the apartment resulted in seeing her favorite mug on the counter and while cleaning up the closet I found the blue flannel she slept in. I felt like suffocating in thoughts and memories of her. The sudden urge to run overcame me and I left my apartment. I don't know for how long I ran or how I found myself in front of her house.
I'm out of breath and sweat is running down my back. Like hypnotized I walk up to her door and see that it is slightly open. Voices can be heard. I immediately recognize hers and then when the other person speaks also his. Christopher.
I turn around surprised. I haven't seen a car in her driveway. Looking around again I notice the bike behind her jeep. I feel myself getting angry. Until now I was sure that she wasn't a part of Emily's plan but the fact that he is in her house makes me feel betrayed. Suddenly the voices become louder and I can hear anger in Lorelai's voice.
"Oh, God! This has nothing to do with it. Love doesn't have to do anything with it!"
"Of course it has to do with love. I love you…..Lorelai, look me in the face and tell me that you don't love me."
"I can't."
My heart stops beating for a moment and I hold my breath. Thousands of emotions run through me. Sadness, anger, desperation and others I can't name. She loves Christopher. I turn around to walk away but the softness in her voice stops me.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"I can't." – I tell him and I see a flicker of hope in his eyes. I don't want him to get his hope high so I tell him the truth. "I do love you Christopher. I told you so years ago. I love you for giving me Rory and I love you for being my friend but…I'm not in love with you. I was once when we were sixteen and thinking of ways to run away from our parents and their dreams for us. For many years I wished we could be a family. I wanted to feel in love like I did then. The timing was always wrong and we never had a real opportunity of reconciliation. When Georgia was born I realized that I was just afraid of the many possibilities, that I was still living in the past. But I let go. I let go of you and the dream of a teenage girl. We are not meant to be Christopher." – I watch his face fall. The sadness is visible in his blue eyes but there is nothing I can do. I don't love him the way he wants me to. Christopher looks down and we're both silent for a few moments. Then he asks me the question that was haunting me for days now.
"Are you in love with him?" – After a short pause he ads – "…with Luke?" – He looks up again and I stare at him. I know he sees the answer in my eyes but still I put my answer in words.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
I listen to Lorelai tell Christopher how once she loved him and how always she will. With every word she says the panic I previously felt slips from me and I let out a relieved sigh.
His next question catches me off-guard and I once again hold my breath. Lorelai is taking her time giving him an answer and the anticipation is killing me.
"Are you in love with him?…with Luke?"
"Yes. Yes, I am."
Her words put a huge smile on my face and I feel so happy and also overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I want to go inside and kiss her silly but I know that I can't do that. She'd knew that I listened to them and that is the wrong way to make up. That's exactly what I want. I want to make up with her. Suddenly I hate myself for putting us through this, for punishing both of us with the stupid break.
While I was contemplating my next step it seems that I've missed the rest of their conversation. I hear Christopher telling her that he needs to leave. I feel trapped and don't know where to go. I don't want them to see me. I quickly run down the stairs and hide behind the bush next to the garage. Christopher gets out of the house. He gets on his bike and is soon gone.
I walk back on the porch without knowing what to do next. Then I look down at my clothes and remember that I was in sweats that I usually wear to bed. My green jacket and the shirt underneath are not enough to keep me warm from the cold wind. I decide to go back home to shower and put other clothes on. That would give me enough time to decide how to approach her. When I reach the last step her voice stops me.
"Luke?"
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Are you in love with him?…with Luke?"
"Yes. Yes, I am." – It's the first time I say that out loud. All this time I thought if I admitted it out loud that it would destroy something. In truth those words take a weight off of my shoulders. I just wish it was Luke whom I said those words to.
Christopher just nods and gets quiet. I can hear the bitterness in his voice when he speaks again.
"I hope you get happy with him. I should go now." – It's my turn to nod. I have nothing left to tell him. I think it will need some time for us to talk civilly again.
"Goodbye Christopher." – He leaves the house without giving me a second glance or a reply.
I continue to stand in the middle of my living room. Never did the house seem this huge or empty to me. Not even when Rory left for Yale. I grab my coat and keys. I have no idea where I'm going I just know that I need to leave. Stepping out of the house I'm surprised to see him on the stairs.
"Luke?" – He stops and it takes him a moment to turn around and face me. I look him up and down and notice him doing the same with me. I wrap my coat tighter around me to protect myself from the wind. It's him who breaks the silence.
"Hi."
"Hi." – I say back and wait for him to say something else.
"I…was…I just…" – He sighs frustrated and then begins again. – "I went running and somehow I ended here."
"I see." – I don't know what else to say. Should I say good night and walk past him? Should I invite him in?
"Lorelai, I…"
"What?"
"I'm sorry." – He says and it takes me a bit by surprise.
"What are you sorry for?"
"For withdrawing myself from you, for pushing you away, for making you believe I didn't trust you, for taking a break." – I'm waiting for days to hear him say that. Still I'm not ready to accept his apology and to throw happily my arms around him. Although that's exactly I want to do this very moment. I still need more answers.
"Then why did you do it?"
"I don't know. Maybe because I was hurt or angry. Maybe because I felt vulnerable, maybe because I wanted to give you a chance to change your mind."
"Change my mind about what? Our relationship?" – He just nods silently. "Why would I want to change my mind? Because what Christopher said? Because of what my mother said?" – He nods again and I suddenly feel angry. – "God , Luke! You of all people should know that I don't care what my mother thinks. You should know that I always make my own decisions. I decided to be with you because I thought you wanted it too. Because you told me you were all in. Can you imagine how I felt when I realized that that wasn't true? I know that I did a few mistakes myself. I didn't tell you about visiting Christopher when his dad died but I never thought you'd believe that I want the same things my mother wants. I thought it was clear that I was all in too."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
When she says the last sentence I feel more miserable than before. 'I'm a jerk.' Her expression changes and it dawns on me that I just said that out loud. I compose myself and take a step towards her. – "It's true. I am a jerk. I never thought that I'd want to take a break. I was very confused and somehow it seemed to be the right thing to do. I thought it'd make things better. Instead everything got worse and I felt lost. I didn't know what to do anymore.
Now I know what I want."
"What is it you want, Luke?"
"You. I've always wanted and I'm sorry if I made you believe otherwise. Tonight everything reminded me of you. You were everywhere I turned. You were in every corner of my diner, of my apartment and in every corner of my mind. You got under my skin like no one before – and I wouldn't want it any other way. I know I never said it before but…
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"…but I love you Lorelai." – My heart starts beating faster. I've been anticipating to hear those words from his mouth. I want to tell him that I love him too but he doesn't seem to be finished with his little speech so I wait.
"I know it doesn't make everything alright again. I know it doesn't erase all the hurt that was caused. I just want you to know the truth. I love you and…" – He stops and before I know what's happening his lips are on mine and he's kissing me fiercely. His arms engulf me in a warm embrace. My eyes are closed and I can feel him everywhere. His hands seem to be everywhere at the same time. In my hair, on my back, on my face. He literally takes my breath away.
The kiss ends end he rests his forehead against mine. Albeit the coldness I'm burning inside. My hands rest on his chest I'm waiting for my pulse to calm down before I speak. Luke raises his head and our eyes lock. He slowly caress my face and puts a strand of hair behind my ear. With a smile he tells me "I've always been more a man of action than a man of words." – I smile at him happily. His words remind me of another kiss on another porch so many moths ago. Just like that kiss we shared then was a beginning of something wonderful so is this kiss. It's the beginning of a new chapter of our lives. I kiss him again – more softer and slower this time. There is no need to hurry. When we pull apart I have an unsettling feeling in my gut, like something is missing. Then I realize what it is and feel relived instantly. I take his hands in mine and squeeze them.
"Luke?" – I smile at him and he smiles back.
"Yeah?"
"I love you too." – I tell him and I never felt more free than at this very moment. It feels so good to be able to tell him. It's the most beautiful sentence in the world. I feel like jumping up and down and like giggling like some little girl. I give him a quick peck on the lips. "I think we need to talk a bit more but I want you to know that I forgive you, but…"
"But?"
"I haven't forgotten it yet. Now you get the chance to change that. In the past you always found ways to make me forget." – I raise my eyebrows suggestively at him and he lets out a small laugh.
"Really? I didn't know I had that power."
"Oh, you've got the power baby." – I reply and pull him to me for another kiss.
With arms around each other we walk into the house and Luke shuts the door behind us.
We're ready for the new chapter to begin.
THE END