Author's Notes:
This story's in the home stretch now! I've got a number of loose ends to tie up, but I'd say another five or six chapters at the most. But I've got another story in the works after I'm done with this one, equally melodramatic but hopefully lighter on the angst. Although I think anything short of a nuclear warhead taking out Newport would be less angsty than this story.
Cheekymice--Hey, I know you! You were my first reviewer! Glad to see you're still following this beast of a story!
Leentje--well, I guess this update still took awhile, but it was less than three weeks! Maybe I'll get back to posting at least twice a week at some point.
Christina--I think it's actually good that I don't own the show, because I'm rather obsessed with angst and there wouldn't be as many of those hilarious little exchanges that I love so. I'd be perfectly happy just owning Ryan and, um, having my own fun with him.
I-luv-the-oc-and-smallville--I haven't actually decided what I'm going to do with Julie, but she'll definitely be making another appearance before this story's through.
Meggy--Thanks for your flattering comments. Sorry about there being no Summer, but I wasn't sure if I could write for any more characters in this story. I guess she's away at college somewhere like Seth is. I love her, though, she's a great character.
Melanie39--You've got a point about Sandy being more likely to follow Ryan and eavesdrop on his conversation with Julie. I didn't do that for two reasons--Sandy and Kirsten don't know about Julie blaming Ryan for Marissa's death, and doing that now would require a lot of plot revisions in future chapters. I hope it wasn't too out of character for Sandy.
Elzed--Officially starting the serious healing now. Ryan's reached his turning point and now he's starting the rebuilding process. I tried to make Julie pure evil, but I couldn't help feeling sorry for her too.
Amanda0485--Thanks for your comments, and I'm glad you like this so far.
60schic--I love Seth dearly, but he can be a bit full of himself at times. And I'm glad you liked the parenting moment--those are my favorite parts of the show, and we haven't seen many of them this season.
Ann--I've always thought that Julie was a very unhappy person. She tends to take it out on the people around her, as opposed to on herself. I was going to make her an evil villainess when I started this story, but I can't help feeling a little sorry for her. As long as she's not taking it out on Ryan, which unfortunately, isn't very often.
HateToSayIToldYouSo--Glad you're back! I have a feeling I'd like Julie more often if she didn't do stupid thoughtless things. It's annoying me that Jimmy seems to have forgiven her for throwing him over when he lost his money last season. And she's the reason Luke left Newport! I miss that boy!
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Ryan sank into his usual chair in Brad's office, nervous but determined to finally start talking about what was on his mind. He had skimmed over Marissa's death and his subsequent depression in his first three weeks of therapy, without getting in depth about any of it. Brad hadn't pressed him, which he hadn't really understood, although he had been grateful for it. But now he was determined to start talking, and he realized that his therapist had been right. It was easier to open up to someone when you were allowed to do it in your own time.
"Hi, Ryan," Brad greeted him. "How are things?"
Ryan took a deep breath. "I know Sandy told you about what happened this weekend. I want to tell you my side of it."
Brad nodded, and waited for the boy to start. There was something different about Ryan today, nothing obvious, but different nonetheless. He had always sensed a certain sense of fragility in the teen, held firmly in control in a desperate grasp. The fragility and desperation were still there, but they were out in the open now, clearly written on Ryan's face and in his eyes.
"My parents drank ever since I can remember," Ryan began. "But my mom never was an alcoholic until after my dad went to prison. I used to come home from school and find her passed out on the couch, and I would either try to wake her up so I could put her to bed, or if I couldn't, I'd put a blanket over her and start cleaning the mess from the night before. My dad had told me to look after my mom while he was gone. I knew it was my responsibility to be the good kid and take care of everyone."
Brad nodded. "That's a lot of responsibility for a kid."
Ryan shrugged. "It was who I was. The last time I saw my mom, before she left me at the Cohens, she said she'd gotten so mad at me for stealing that car because I was always the good one. She never expected anything from Trey.
"Everything's so messed up now. It's like when Marissa died, I took over her self-destructive behaviors. I was supposed to look after her, and I'd screwed up and didn't know how to fix it. There was no way to fix it."
"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Brad asked.
"I guess, yeah," Ryan admitted. "I thought it would even things out. I'd failed to save Marissa's life so I needed to give up mine. I tried so hard to protect the Cohens. I waited until I was in Boston so I could be sure that none of them would be the ones to find me. I didn't want to do that to them.
"Although as it turned out, I did plenty to them. I can tell that Sandy and Kirsten are afraid to leave me alone. Seth's beyond pissed at me, and Sandy's starting to go gray. I wanted to protect them and I ended up letting them down in the worst way possible. They've done everything for me, and this is how I repay them."
Ryan swiped furiously at a tear that was sliding down his nose. Brad nudged a box of Kleenex toward him.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," Ryan finished. "I fuck up everything I do, even when I'm sure I'm doing the right thing. Seth yelled at me last weekend for being selfish and not thinking about how much I was hurting him and his parents, and he was absolutely right. I don't understand why they haven't given up on me yet."
"Is that what people usually do when things get rough for you?" Brad asked gently.
"That's what everyone does," Ryan agreed. "My mom, my brother, my friends…Marissa broke up with me when she wouldn't believe me that a guy she was friends with was crazy. She said she couldn't deal with me anymore because she didn't trust me. Then she found out how crazy the guy really was and wanted to go right back to the way things were, as if she'd never said those things to me or abandoned me when everyone else had left already. Even the Cohens didn't believe me. I knew if I made one more wrong move I'd find myself back in the foster care system. Then Oliver goes nuts and I talk him down from shooting himself, and all everyone wants is to go back to normal."
"It must have made it hard for you to trust anyone," Brad suggested.
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Try impossible."
"Did you ever tell them this?" Brad asked.
Ryan shook his head. "Talking's not my strong point."
"How do you feel about doing a family session together?" Brad suggested. "When you're ready, that is."
Ryan gave him a skeptical look. "Do you really think that'll help anything?"
"Or else you could pretend nothing ever happened and go back to normal," Brad pointed out.
Ryan sighed. "I guess Sandy would enjoy it. Talking's his favorite thing to do. Seth's too."
"And what about Ryan?" Brad pressed.
Ryan groaned. "Ryan wouldn't enjoy it, but he would probably be happy he did it in the long run."
"There we go," Brad grinned. "How about we do this next week?"
"All right," Ryan gave in. "Let's get it over with."
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Kirsten left work early to pick Ryan up from his therapy appointment. Ordinarily she took him home and returned to the office to put in a few more hours worth of work, but today she informed her father that she would be taking the rest of the day off. Caleb had been surprisingly accommodating when she had informed him of her decision. She was glad to see that he was finally starting to acknowledge how important Ryan was to her family.
Ryan was waiting for her when she drove up to the office building where he saw his therapist twice a week. Kirsten thought that he seemed a little calmer these days, more trusting and open with her and Sandy. She didn't know what had happened the previous weekend, why Ryan had knocked on her bedroom door in the middle of the night, but whatever it was, she was grateful that he had been able to come to her and Sandy. She knew how difficult it was for Ryan to ask for help from anybody.
"Hi there," Kirsten greeted her blond-haired son as he climbed into the front seat. "How was therapy?"
"It was good," Ryan answered. He hesitated for a moment, then added "Brad wants to do a family session with all of us next week."
"Okay," Kirsten agreed immediately. "I'll clear my schedule."
"He said he'll call you and Sandy to set up a time," Ryan quickly added. "Whenever you're not busy."
"Ryan, nothing is more important than family," Kirsten told him. "We'll be there."
Ryan nodded and gave her a faint smile before falling silent. Kirsten decided to lighten the mood. "Hey, you hungry?"
"Um, I guess a little," he answered.
"How about for Mexican?" Kirsten added.
Ryan grinned, a real smile this time. "Starving."
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They kept the conversation light over dinner, discussing the monotony of staff meetings at the Newport Group and making fun of how it took Sandy at least ten times to be able to drive somewhere without getting lost. Ryan offered a story about going with Sandy to get the Rover's oil changed and ending up in Riverside, while Kirsten told him about how Sandy had gotten lost while taking her to the hospital while she was in labor with Seth, and how she had swatted him with the road atlas every time she had a contraction until he finally found his way to the emergency room.
"Good to know," Ryan laughed. "If I'm dangerously ill with pneumonia, don't ask Sandy to take me to the hospital."
Kirsten smiled back, glad to see Ryan enjoying a carefree moment. "Right. Ask me, ask Seth, ask my dad if you have to."
Ryan stopped laughing. "Yeah, okay."
"Is everything all right?" she asked, concerned by his abrupt shift in mood. "Did I say anything wrong?"
Ryan shook his head. "You didn't say anything. I just had a little argument with Seth this weekend, that's all."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Kirsten asked gently.
He didn't, but he knew he needed to learn to accept help from the Cohens instead of struggling with everything himself. "It wasn't that big a deal," he began. "Actually, he was right about everything he said."
"Maybe so, but Seth isn't always the most tactful person," Kirsten replied. "Did he upset you?"
"I think he needed to," Ryan admitted. "He said I was being selfish for thinking that you guys would be better off without me. And he was right. I've been pretty thoughtless lately."
Kirsten reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Ryan, you're one of the most thoughtful people I've ever known."
"Still, I'm sorry," Ryan insisted. "I know I've upset everyone lately."
"Ryan, all we care about is that you're safe and happy," Kirsten insisted. "You've been through a lot these last few months."
Ryan nodded slowly. "I guess I should tell Seth this too, shouldn't I?"
"I've got an idea," Kirsten suggested. "Why don't you take Friday off of work and spend the weekend with Seth at Berkeley?"
Ryan looked at her doubtfully. "Do you think he wants some time to cool off before he sees me?"
"I know Seth can be a bit stubborn at times," Kirsten answered, "but he has a big heart and he never stays mad long. I'll talk to him first if you want."
"I'd really like that," Ryan answered softly. "Thanks, Kirsten."
Kirsten smiled. "That's what moms are for."