Author's notes:

So I have a question for everyone who's been following this story. I've just got one more chapter after this one, followed by an epilogue, and I can't decide what to write next. The two options I was considering were:

A Kandy-in-college story, lighter on the angst ,or

Another Cohens plus one story, with more of a Sandy-focus and heavier angst.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

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Feeling better was a gradual process, Ryan discovered. It wasn't like you had one pivotal moment and everything was sunshine and rainbows from then on. If he looked at it from day to day, it would seem minimal at best. But after awhile he stopped looking so much, and focused instead on his work in therapy, and opening up to Sandy and Kirsten instead of keeping everything to himself. The changes were gradual, true, but they became more obvious over time. It became less of an ordeal to get up every day. He began to look forward to his early morning surfing sessions with Sandy. He started to think ahead to the future, and about what he wanted to do the next year.

Ryan thought about it for a week or so, did a little research on Seth's computer, and brought it up at dinner one night. "Can I ask you guys something?"

Sandy laughed. "Ryan Atwood, initiating conversation? I never thought I'd see the day."

Kirsten gave him a warning glance, but Ryan didn't mind. He liked that Sandy felt comfortable teasing him again, that the Cohens could act normally around him and not act like he was about to break.

"I just thought that I should start getting my college applications in if I want to apply for next year," Ryan continued. "And I was wondering if you could help me."

"Of course we can," Kirsten hastened to assure him. "Where were you thinking about applying?"

"That's the thing," Ryan answered uneasily. "I really liked Berkeley when I was there to visit Seth, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Maybe I'd be better off applying to UCLA and transferring later."

"What do you mean, better off?" Sandy asked.

Ryan looked embarrassed. "I don't want Seth to feel like he's responsible for looking after me, that's all."

Sandy hid a smirk. He loved Seth, but his son wasn't what he'd call very other-centric.

"I understand what you're saying," Kirsten told him, "but Sandy and I know how hard you've been working in therapy, Ryan, and from what I've seen, you seem to be doing a lot better. What do you think?"

"I think I'm doing better too," Ryan admitted. "I guess I could always apply to UCLA and Berkeley and see how I'm doing by summer."

"And we're always going to be here for you, no matter where you go," Sandy added. "You can't get rid of us that easily."

Ryan laughed. Sandy allowed himself a moment of pleasure at seeing his son so relaxed. Even before everything had happened, he couldn't remember Ryan being so open with him or Kirsten. It made him feel that there might be a silver lining to everything he and his family had been through. It had been a long, difficult road but if they all ended up in a better place, then Sandy figured that it would have been worth it.

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Kirsten was in her office when Ryan knocked on the door precisely at noon. They were going to go for lunch together, and then she would take him to his therapy appointment with Brad.

She smiled broadly when she saw Ryan standing in the doorway. "Ryan, come in. I just need to go drop off these figures at accounting, and we'll go."

Ryan settled down in a chair to wait. He picked up a magazine and flipped idly through it. He hoped Kirsten wouldn't be long--he was starving.

"Well, now. Fancy seeing you here." Ryan looked up from his magazine to meet the cool gaze of Julie Cooper-Nichol.

Shit. She hadn't been seen at the Newport Group for ages, and now here he was alone with her in Kirsten's office. This would make for an interesting therapy session this afternoon.

"Don't you look respectable?" Julie continued in that frosty tone. "I must say, you've cleaned up nicely for Chino trash."

Ryan glared at her and bit his lip to keep from replying. The Chino trash remark bothered him more than he liked to admit, especially since it brought back memories of his last conversation with Marissa.

Julie sank into the chair across from him. Ryan cast a desperate glance at the doorway, wishing that someone would come and save him from this awkward and less-than-enjoyable conversation.

"It's rather ironic, don't you think?" Julie asked. "You kill my daughter, and then my husband gives you a job. If you think you're going to profit from what you did to Marissa, you have another thought coming."

Ryan found his voice. "I didn't kill Marissa."

Julie raised one eyebrow in an amused expression. "You didn't? Marissa was perfectly happy before you showed up in Newport. Her problems didn't start until after she met you."

"Then you didn't know her," Ryan told her, matching her chilly gaze.

Julie laughed. "And you did?"

He had a sense he was fighting a losing battle, but he forced himself to continue. It looked like those months of therapy were doing some good after all. "Marissa had a lot of problems. You know that. What happened wasn't anyone's fault."

Julie's face softened for a moment, then froze back into its original icy expression. "Regardless of what you might think, Marissa would be here today if it wasn't for you. You were the one who should have died that night, and I will never forgive you for that."

"That's enough, Julie." Ryan turned to the doorway and saw with relief that Kirsten was standing there, matching glares with Julie. "I'm not going to allow you to talk to Ryan that way."

"Kirsten…" Julie looked shaken for the first time. "I didn't see you there."

Kirsten crossed the room and stood behind Ryan's chair, placing her hands on his shoulders in a protective gesture. "Julie, as one mother to another, I empathize with your pain. I'm sorry about Marissa. But I'm not going to allow you to take it out on my son."

"Your son?" Julie appeared confused. "I didn't say anything about Seth."

"I'm talking about Ryan," Kirsten continued, her tone frosty. "Taking away my child won't bring yours back."

Julie's gaze fell and Ryan saw her face crumple before she turned away and buried her face in her hands. He felt sorry for her in spite of himself. She had been mean and downright bitchy to him, but she was honestly grieving for her daughter. As hard as he tried, Ryan couldn't find it in himself to hate her.

He spotted a Kleenex box on the desk and grabbed it as he got to his feet, walking over to Julie and holding it out to her. "I know you miss her," he offered. "I miss her too."

Julie sniffed as she took a Kleenex and blew her nose. "I must have been the worst mother in the world if she was that unhappy."

"No, you weren't," Kirsten told her. "Parents can't make their children's problems go away, as much as we wish we could."

"Look at me," Ryan offered. "I put Sandy and Kirsten through hell, but that doesn't mean they're bad parents. I wouldn't have made it without them."

"I know it's hard, Julie," Kirsten added. "But it can get easier if you let your friends help you."

Julie took another Kleenex and dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry, Ryan."

"I know." He couldn't say it was okay, because it wasn't. One apology wouldn't make the hurt and pain go away. Julie Cooper was like her daughter that way. But he knew what she was trying to do, and he appreciated it all the same. "And I really am sorry about Marissa."

"Thank you," Julie whispered. She gave him a shaky smile and Ryan felt that maybe he could forgive her after all. In time. It would take him time and therapy to get over the hurtful words and accusations, but it would happen eventually.

Julie left the office, and Kirsten put her arm around Ryan's shoulders. "I'm so proud of you," she told him. "I know how hard that must have been for you."

Helooked shyly at her. "Thanks for backing me up. And for everything else."

Kirsten laughed. "Well, if you can face Julie Cooper, I should think you'll be fine at Berkeley."

Ryan returned her smile. "I think so too."