Author's Notes:

Well, here it is, the last chapter. There will be a brief epilogue to finish this story, but after that comes a new project. Thanks to everyone for their feedback-it was mixed on which story I should write next, so I've decided to start both and try to keep up with them. The Kandy-in-college story will likely be first, since I've had the idea in my head for months now and have pretty much worked out the details, but once I've mapped out the Sandy-angst one I'll start that one too.

Thanks to all my reviewers for their words of encouragement and for making this story such a great experience for me. I've met a lot of great people and had a lot of fun. I hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It was cloudy and gray the day of the funeral, with an occasional rumbling threat of thunder. Ryan stood with the Cohens in his suit, remembering the first time he'd worn it to the Newport fashion show, the weekend he'd met Marissa. She had seemed so confident and sure of herself, a fairy tale princess who lived a life that would always be out of his reach.

She had been the Newport debutante while he had been the car thief from Chino, and yet she was the one being lowered into the ground today. He knew that Marissa still had feelings for him through high school, but the Oliver incident had broken the trust he'd had in her, and after he'd come back from Chino the following fall, her life had begun to spiral out of control. He still cared about her and he still wanted to help her, but he knew that that he couldn't save her, that she would only drag him down with her as she drowned.

Ryan had occasionally thought that her drinking and recklessness would catch up to her, and he had to admit that it wasn't a shock that she had died in a drunk driving accident. But the part he hadn't anticipated, the part that was eating his insides with guilt, was that he had given her that final shove. Go ahead and kill yourself, he had told her.

That's exactly what Marissa had done.

He watched from what felt like a thousand miles away as the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. No one would ever know about his last words with her, but he would know. And he was more than capable of punishing himself for them.

Ryan came out of his trance as the gathering began to disperse. He looked around for the Cohens, but they seemed to have wandered off. He wished they hadn't-he could have used their support right now, even just their presence. Ryan walked over to the grave and looked down to Marissa's final resting place. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "This is all my fault."

"Very good, Ryan," a cold voice answered from behind him. "You're smarter than I thought you were."

Ryan swallowed and slowly turned around. He expected to see Julie Cooper, and his heart stopped as he saw that the words had been spoken by Kirsten.

"Don't look so surprised, Ryan," she told him icily. "I'm certainly not. I always knew that you were trouble, and I was right. Just look what you've done to that poor girl."

"How could you, Ryan?" Sandy joined in, entering the picture and putting his arm around his wife. "How could you do this, after everything we've done for you?"

"I called you my brother!" Seth added, his forehead wrinkled in disgust. "I was really stupid, huh?"

Ryan tried to speak, but the words refused to come out. He backed away slowly, wanting to get as far away as possible from the Cohens and their disappointed stares, Kirsten's icy stare and Seth's look of scorn. But it was Sandy's expression of sadness that was breaking his heart. He took another step back, and the ground disappeared from beneath him.

He was falling down into the grave, the three Cohens staring down at him, their faces becoming smaller as he fell farther and farther with no end in sight.

Ryan woke with his cry still echoing in his ears. He was drenched in sweat, and his face was streaked in tears. He was still crying, and in spite of his best efforts he couldn't find a way to stop. He turned his face into his pillow to muffle his sobs, his tears falling onto his already-damp pillowcase.

He heard footsteps in the hall, and his door creak open as someone entered his room and sat down beside him on the mattress. There was a hand on his shoulder, and he felt himself lifted up and into a Sandy Cohen bear hug. There was a part of him that still wanted to pull away, that didn't want Sandy to see him like this. But there was a much greater part that was too tired to fight anymore, that didn't want to be so damned independent and needed to accept the comfort that the Cohens had always been ready to give him.

Sandy felt the boy tense up against him. Ryan was trembling violently, and Sandy was afraid that he might start hyperventilating. "It's okay," he whispered, brushing back Ryan's damp hair with one hand. "It's all right."

Ryan shook his head. "It's not all right. It can never be all right."

"What do you mean?" Sandy persisted.

Ryan drew a deep breath and tried to stop shaking. "Julie Cooper was right. I killed Marissa."

Kirsten had told him about what had happened at the office that day. Sandy could have shaken the woman for saying those things to his son. "Ryan, what happened to Marissa wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It's sad, but blaming yourself won't bring her back."

Ryan pulled away and looked up at Sandy, his eyes filled with torment. "You don't understand. I knew she was drunk that night, and I let her drive anyhow."

Sandy's heart broke for the boy. He couldn't begin to imagine the guilt that Ryan had been carrying around all these months. "I didn't know that, Ryan. I'm sorry."

"I threw her keys at her and I told her to go ahead and kill herself," Ryan finished, his voice a hoarse whisper. "And that's the last time I ever saw her."

There was a look of fear in Ryan's eyes, and Sandy knew that he was waiting for his reaction. "It wasn't your fault," he repeated slowly, staring into Ryan's eyes. "Do you understand?"

"I could have saved her," Ryan insisted.

"Ryan, I know what it's like to watch someone you care about try to destroy themselves," Sandy began, his own voice beginning to shake a little. "I know how frightening that can be, and as much as you want to rush in and save them, solve all their problems for them, you just don't have that power. All you can do is be there for them and hope that they make that choice to ask you for help. Marissa didn't make that choice, but I'm hoping that you will."

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered, his head dropping down. "I'm so sorry, Sandy."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Sandy insisted. "And if I could go back to that day when I brought you to Newport, I would do it all over again without a second thought. Kirsten and I are so proud of you, Ryan. Seth loves you like a brother. And none of us regrets a single moment of the time you've spent with us."

Ryan's eyes met Sandy's. "I was afraid that if you knew the truth about what happened, you would be disappointed in me."

"No." Sandy shook his head. "I'm so proud of you, Ryan. You've brought so much to our lives, and it's an honor to have you as my son."

"Thank you," Ryan whispered, offering him a shaky smile, and his body seemed to relax a little. Sandy held him until he'd stopped trembling, and tucked him back into bed. He knew he would probably never get the chance to do this with Ryan again, to take care of him like he was a little boy. But that was okay, because Ryan was growing up, and Sandy finally felt sure that he would be all right.

Ryan yawned and pulled the blankets over his shoulders. Sandy rumpled his hair. "Goodnight, Ryan. I'll stay here until you fall asleep, okay?"

Ryan nodded. When he spoke, his voice was so soft Sandy could barely hear it. "Love you."

There was a lump in Sandy's throat. "Love you too, Ryan."

Sandy settled into a chair beside the bed and watched as his son fell asleep. Ryan was going to be just fine.