The Legend of Tingle: The Pig Army
This takes place in The Wind Waker, and deals with Tingle and his odd habits. Just one thing could push him over the edge… Review!
Tingle had started the day badly. He had woken up and reached for his bag of Rupees. Well, it turned out that a horde of Kargarocs had raided his island and carried off all the Rupees, leaving a few Golden Feathers behind to mock him. Ankle and David Junior, the two slaves who pushed the giant model of his head around, went on strike and refused to work again without being paid. Of course, he had no way to pay them, so they swam away from the island and were messily devoured by a Big Octo. Then, Link had dropped by to decipher some charts. And, when Tingle had asked for 398 Rupees to compensate for the robbery, Link had almost hit him with the Skull Hammer. The boy finally agreed to pay the price, but he left a bomb behind. And of course, it blew up right on top of Tingle's bag of Rupees.
"That does it!" screamed the short little man, waving his arms in a fury as flaming confetti flew everywhere. "I'll show this world to treat me with more care! I'll show them all!" Tingle tripped and landed on his face. "But first, I shall gather a vast army… an undefeatable army… an army… that cannot be killed! An army that cannot feel the wind on its face nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh… I want the army of pigs!"
As deluded as the little man sounded, he was actually right. The pigs inhabiting Outset Island and Windfall Island seemed harmless, but when angered they were filled with an unholy fury. Grim and ruthless, they would stop at nothing when they were angered.
"But I can't get them from here!" objected the little man. "I must sail across the sea, making a greatly perilous journey over waves and ruin and half-drowned seagulls, to recruit… my dark army!" Thunder crashed in the background and Tingle laughed insanely. A bolt of lightning hit a piece of metal next to his shoe and the act stopped. "But what shall I sail in…?"
This problem was easily solved. Using a six-pack of Coors Light, two milk cartons, a few pieces of wood and a sheet of bubble wrap, Tingle had soon created a ship and a sail with which to sail on. But the wind was not blowing north, to get to Windfall, or south to go to Outset. It was blowing unfavorably west.
"I shall not be defeated!" roared Tingle, eating a brick in pure wrath. And so, he got in his ship and began flapping his arms, getting a small breeze behind his ship. Within several hours he had reached the next square on the Sea Chart, north of his island. Of course, the wind immediately changed direction to blow south.
"Curses!" swore Tingle, strangling a passing moblin in rage. "I'll just go south to Outset, then!" And, with the wind behind him, he began to sail south.
Sailing quickly grew boring, however, and to pass the time Tingle began to pop the bubble wrap. However, this was not a smart idea since he was using the bubble wrap as his sail. In a few minutes his sail was ruined.
"A pox on this infernal sea!" ranted Tingle, throwing some more flaming confetti. He eventually calmed down enough to think of something new. He began paddling with his hands… of course, that was until a shark tried to bite his hand off.
"Ack!" he shrieked, yanking his hand out. He bandaged it using a strip of beef jerky and docked at the island he was on. He searched for something to use as a sail… he was distracted by a moblin running up to him.
It grunted and swung its spear at him. Tingle, keeping his feet still, bent his knees until his back was parallel to the ground. The spear swung over him. Tingle hurled flaming confetti at the moblin and picked up its spear. He looked at the point and grinned…
Very soon afterward, a very thin and stretched-out moblin was being used as a sail on Tingle's boat. Tingle was holding the moblin's spear and eating the beef jerky that was bandaging his hand, ignoring the bloody meat and the fact that his hand was bleeding into the sea. He reached Outset Island in several minutes and docked.
"This could work to my advantage," plotted Tingle evilly, getting out of the boat and bringing his spear. "I could capture not only the pigs, but this whole island! Link would be lured here, angry that I had come to his home island, and he would be killed! I could make these islanders my slaves and breed more pigs! I would rule the island! Now, to quickly bring down the resistance and take control." He pulled a megaphone out of his skintight body suit and spoke into it. "Attention people of Outset Island! I am capturing your island and making you slaves! Resistance is futile! Men and pigs in one line, women and children in another! Abandon your tasks and surrender your Rupees to me!" He dropped the megaphone and cackled crazily.
The folk of Outset Island stopped and stared. The snot-nosed kid and his older brother stopped arguing and listened. Their father stopped hunting for pigs and paid attention. The jar lady dropped her pots and stared. The father's wife nearly fainted on the spot. Grandma looked out of her house and watched. Orca stopped fighting with his brother and looked.
Tingle, still smiling, swung his spear menacingly.
And then Sturgeon laughed. He laughed so hard his head looked like it was going to pop. He smacked his stick against the ground and wheezed, turning blue. Slowly, the other townsfolk began to chuckle, uneasily at first, then hard. Grandma spilled soup from her cooking pot. The family- the husband, wife and two kids- all fell over in their glee. Orca demonstrated how entertained he was by stabbing a seagull. The jar lady giggled girlishly.
"Take over Outset Island!" roared Sturgeon, his head swelling to bursting point. "Take over our island! That's hilarious! The best one I've heard in years!" Slowly he stopped laughing and became grim. "But we can't allow that. You see, we'd prefer not to be slaves. And our pigs and Rupees can just stay put." Orca fingered his spear, while the wife hurried her children inside. The jar lady broke open a jar to reveal a battleaxe, and the father pulled out a war sword faster than you can say "Cel-shaded graphics rock." The pigs stopped snuffling and looked distinctly murderous. All in all it was a rather fearful sight. They advanced down the dock at Tingle, who broke out into a nervous sweat.
"Now, now, I'm sure we can work out some solution… right? Har de har har har…" His voice trailed off uneasily.
They charged at him. Tingle's spear suddenly felt rather small against a stronger spear, a battleaxe, a war sword and a knobby staff. "Oh fudge."
Tingle quickly tried to escape. But his boat would not move. Panicking, he tried to climb up the watchtower, but his spear kept him from doing that. He faced the charging villagers grimly. "BRING IT ON!"
Seeking the weakest enemy, he saw Sturgeon. Tingle swung the spear in a circle, trying to cut the old man in half.
Easily blocking this with his wooden staff, Sturgeon performed a kung fu kick. Somehow, Tingle dodged that as well as a sweep of the war sword from the father and a stab from Orca's spear.
Tingle threw flaming confetti at the villagers. While they were kept at bay, he jumped over the flames and ran along the backs of the pigs onto the island. He looked back to taunt the villagers…
And was hit in the head by Grandma's soup-stirring ladle.
An hour or so later, Tingle found himself tied to a tree. This would have been fine if not for the fact that three murderous looking pigs were advancing on him.
The force of the collision uprooted the tree and caused Tingle's bonds to fall off. Tingle flew fifty feet in the air and fell into the Savage Labyrinth. Odd sounds could be heard from inside.
"Nice darknut… niiiice darknut… easy boy, don't attack… stay there… Ow! Flame breathing statues! OW! I said don't attack, you stupid- Ouch! No!"
The jar lady walked by happily, humming a tune to herself. She looked in the direction of the screams and continued humming happily.
A couple of hours later, the darknuts had run out of bones to break in Tingle's body and had launched him back out. Battered and bruised, Tingle snuck into Grandma's house and snuck a quick bit of soup, barely avoiding her anger.
"Refreshed and rejuvenated!" cackled Tingle in joy. "But this mission must not be a failure! My pig army shall be made!"
Tingle snuck over to the pigpen with much somersaulting and stealth tactics. He picked up a small sleeping pig and, holding it like a football, walked to his ship.
"Smooth, man," snorted his moblin sail. Tingle retaliated by beating it with his spear.
"Onward!" cried Tingle loudly. His boat sailed quickly away at 10 yards per hour, just as Orca came out of his house. Orca ran as quickly as he could.
"Faster!" screamed Tingle in a panic.
Orca's spear whistled through the air, aimed directly at Tingle…
The strip of beef jerky jumped into the air. Giving out a long, protracted "No" of horror, it intercepted the spear hit and lay dead.
"Why?" shrieked Tingle. "Why did this happen?" He shook it off and was happier in a second. "But on the plus side, I have two spears now!"
Just then, the pig woke up and knocked Orca's spear off of the boat.
"Phooey," muttered Tingle. "Hey piggy!"
The pig began snorting in a half cute, half obnoxious way.
"Aw… isn't he sweet? I'm gonna name him…" thought Tingle. The moblin sail waited expectantly. "Ivan!"
Ivan snorted in a sound that sounded rather similar to the word Ivan.
"He has to have a middle name too!" decided Tingle, picking up the pig and cuddling it. "He'll be named Ivan Jeremiah Jacob Elias Gundershtanke Antonio Sanchez von Lienenkugel Everett-"
"Snort."
"Just Ivan?" frowned Tingle. "Fine. If you say so. Only the best for my Ivan piggy!" In a rather disgusting display, Tingle hugged the pig.
"Get a room, you two!" howled the moblin sail. This, of course, was a mistake. Tingle's face grew red, and he picked up his spear. But the pig was truly furious. It grew red, and a truly enraged look spread across its snout.
Tingle ducked a piece of the moblin sail as it flew over his head. He soon had to duck all fifteen pieces.
"Your first home run! I'm so proud of you!" smiled Tingle. "But what will we use as a sail?"
"Snort snort!"
"You'd let me stretch you out?" Tingle's eyes filled with tears. "What bravery! I'd never do that to you! Maybe we can just paddle."
"Snort!"
"You're right, it's too dangerous!" Tingle frowned in dismay. "Then what can we do?"
Suddenly Ivan perked up. "Oink!"
"Oink?" repeated Tingle. "Oink? Great Scott, that's the answer! We must find one of those enemy ships! They can move without sails! I'll get the secret from them!" Tingle danced with joy. He cruised the ship over to a cannon ship.
"I come in peace!" he shouted. "I will not hurt you!"
Just then, five cannons, two pistols, a rifle, a bow and arrows, grenades, plastic explosives, detonators, and four different kinds of welding torches dropped into Tingle's boat.
"Um… pay no attention to that!" said Tingle half-heartedly.
Then, twelve guns, a flamethrower, eight Molotov cocktails, a sniper rifle and a sail fell into the boat.
Wait a minute… a sail?
Tingle put up the sail as he dumped the weaponry out of his boat. Cannonballs flew by as he sailed triumphantly toward Windfall.
"So, Doris…" he addressed the pig.
"Oink!"
"Ivan, sorry… I bet it'll be nice to meet some other pigs, too! Maybe you can even find yourself a lady pig!" Tingle nudged Ivan crookedly. "I know that my last relationship wasn't a breeze… I still can't figure out why she didn't like that Slim Fast I gave her for Valentine's Day!" Tingle thought about it for a while.
"Snort oink snort snort, oink oink snort oink snort snort oink oink snort."
"You were quite the ladies pig when you were on Outset? Oh, go away," griped Tingle unhappily.
"Snort oink snort snort oink! Snort snort oink!"
"Windfall Island, close ahead! Goody!" cackled Tingle, eating a piece of flaming confetti in glee. "Now I can amass my army of pigs! And then, I shall take everyone hostage and overrule all the islands of the Great Sea! Then, I'll go live at Tingle's Oasis, and I'll rip apart every one of those cursed slide puzzles! Then, I'll start a knitting club with some of the guys… I dunno… maybe a couple of darknuts or Phantom Ganon… then I'll blow up Playboy Mansion or something just to be evil, I'm not sure."
"Oink snort."
"You'd buy me a new body suit? Why, thanks! I will admit, this one has been getting a little tight."
"Snort oink snort."
"Oh, the tightness is because it's spandex? Never mind."
Further conversation was stalled, as they docked on Windfall Island. The town was already bustling. The Killer Bees scampered through town, firing slingshots at anything that moved. Anton the walker strutted through the town. And the pigs were out.
"Yes!" breathed Tingle. "Three of them! Those walking hams won't know what hit them!" Tingle pulled out his trusty spear and he and Ivan walked slowly onto the island. A man strolled up to them.
"Hey, that spear is against protocol! Under arrest!"
Tingle leaped into the air and kicked the man squarely in the head. At the same time, Ivan plowed into the man's feet. The man was suspended horizontally in midair, and hit the ground a full thirty seconds later. By then, Tingle and Ivan were nabbing pigs.
Of course, every person in the town came out of their buildings and surrounded them. Tott the dancer flexed his nonexistent muscles. Lenzo's beard quivered in anticipation. Salvatore the ship game operator assumed a fighting stance. Things certainly looked grim for our heroes. Tingle almost dropped the pig he was carrying. Ivan, however, snorted fiercely and beckoned with a hoof.
Tingle turned and threw the pig he held into Zunari the Eskimo man. He caught it as it bounced off and tucked it under one arm. Ivan jumped a good five feet into the air and performed dazzling kicks at three townsfolk.
Three burly men pulled out fighting staffs. One thrust his staff at Tingle. The green-suited man jumped up, one foot landing on the staff. As the other burly men gaped, Ivan took them out with devastating punches and began juggling their staffs. Quickly, he threw them on top of Tott and Miss Marie the schoolteacher.
The fight lasted a good half hour, due to overuse of cheap slow motion special effects. Unfortunately, due to his killing rage, Tingle found that he had slaughtered all three Windfall Island pigs.
"Snort," said Ivan hopefully.
"Curse you, foolish townfolk!" raged Tingle, his face turning blotchy in fury. "I will hunt you down! Or I would if you weren't dead!" In his anger, he accidentally threw the spear at Ivan. The last surviving pig took on a murderous look.
"Oh, dear," said Tingle worriedly.
And the rest, of course, is history. Tingle fought a long, epic, bloody battle with Ivan the pig, and both died horribly in the process. Link, of course, was dismayed to find no one to translate his maps, and went into a sullen rage that he never got out of. The King of Red Lions, Link's boat, was forced to give up on ever saving Hyrule. The land was lost, and everything turned out happily ever after.
Of course, no one ever ate bacon again, but that was a different matter.
My epic Zelda story… please review, everyone!