Part 8

Buffy woke feeling nauseous. Since agreeing to wait until morning to talk properly, she and Angel hadn't said another word to each other all the way home. Their conversation in the parking lot had been broken up when Willow and Faith had rushed from his room and across the lot to where they'd been standing. After berating Angel for not taking his phone, or telling anyone where he was going, they'd all piled into the car and drove home. The tension between the couple was obvious. The ride home and the consequent good nights had been subdued, everyone suffering from a sense of anticlimax after hours of frantic worry.

Buffy groaned and tucked her head under pillow, a leftover from childhood. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten how much angst there was involved with loving Angel. She wasn't used to it, and after what was probably the most stressful and heart-wrenching weekend she'd had since her resurrection, she felt decidedly out of sorts. It didn't help that she knew there'd be more tears before the day was out.

With a grown, she threw the pillow to the other side of the room and glanced at the clock. Blinking, it took a second to focus but when she did, she deeply regretted throwing her pillow away; it was past midday. She was prevented from debating whether to retrieve the pillow and go back to bed, or simply get up, by a knock at the door.

"Come in," Buffy grumbled, sitting up against the headboard. Angel poked his head around the door looking unsure and nervous.

"I uh…" His expression changed to that of a frown and chewed his lip before continuing. "Can I come in? I can come back… when your dressed if you want…"

Buffy halted his ramble with a sigh, "Come in Angel."

Pushing open the door, Angel crossed the large room as Buffy instinctually made room for him on the end of the bed. Taking the invitation to sit down, Angel perched nervously, his eyes downcast.

"I'm sorry." He said, then raised his eyes to hers. "I don't know what else to say to you."

Buffy took a deep breath, and with a jolt she realised that this was one of those make or break moments in their relationship. So far, they'd come through each one that had been thrown at them still in love, though not always happy, and she could only pray they'd she'd be both by the end of their conversation.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Buffy's voice was deceptively calm.

Angel took a moment to carefully consider how to answer the question, then swallowed thickly before speaking. "I wanted to, I guess… I guess I didn't know how."

"Can you tell me now? Everything? The whole story?"

Angel bit his lip and nodded. Haltingly at first, he began his tale. From Darla's arrival through Connor's birth, life, and kidnapping. As he spoke the dam opened, long held back emotions burst free and tears streaked down his face. It wasn't long before they'd moved on the bed so that Buffy could cradle him to her side, soothing him through the emotional barrage.

Buffy found herself feeling his anger right along with him as he talked about Wesley's betrayal. She gasped in horror as he spoke of being dumped into the ocean. She laughed with him as he talked of how wonderful those first months of fatherhood had been and she ached for his loss. Holes in the stories he'd told of the last few years were slowly being filled as he spoke. The story of the Beast, Cordelia, Angelus and Jasmine suddenly made some semblance of sense.

She'd never seen him let go like this, and after a moment of worry and confusion she realised he was finally grieving properly. For Connor's loss twice, for the victims of Angelus in those few days he'd been loose. For Cordelia, for Wesley, for Fred and for Spike, even for Darla. He was finally shedding the tears he hadn't let fall in front of his friends, tears he'd held back for three years. Through stuttering hiccupped sobs he came to end of his tale, a tale that was also the end of Wolfram and Hart.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry… god I killed them, I killed them for my son, and it didn't help!" Buffy pulled him closer as he howled his grief into her chest, her own tears staining her face and wetting his hair.

"Shhh, it's ok… shhh… you didn't kill anyone Angel… you did the right thing…shhh honey… I got you… just let go… I'm here." Buffy thought to worry for his heart, but figured that they'd deal if something happened; in the long run it was better to let him cry. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up into a pair of compassionate green eyes, Willow. She gave Buffy a nod of approval and shot sympathetic look in Angel's direction, she knew what grief like this was like.

She placed a couple of bottles and a glass of water on the nightstand and turned to leave the room. Buffy nodded in thanks, returning her attention to the man in her arms. Angel hadn't even noticed the redhead's presence as he continued to sob. Long after Willow had left, Buffy was still holding him, rocking him, soothing him with meaningless words and soft caresses.

When Angel finally succumbed to sleep through emotional exhaustion, Buffy still didn't let go, just tilted her head back against the headboard. Staring at the ceiling, she finally understood why he hadn't told her, the pain radiating from him was almost tangible. If he'd feared she'd judge him, he'd been sorely mistaken; in fact, in that moment she couldn't have loved him more.

Slipping from his now lax embrace, she stood from the bed and gazed down at his deceptively peaceful face. Laying a gentle kiss to his forehead, she thought back on all the heart wrenching conversations they'd had in the past, and how all the tears had been hers. Now maybe, they could really get somewhere.

Entering the kitchen, still in her pajamas, she smiled gratefully when Willow instantly passed her a cup of coffee. Taking a long sip, she sighed in pleasure as the caffeine and sugar boosted her diminished energy.

Sitting down at the kitchen table she noticed for the first time that both Willow and Faith's eyes were slightly puffy, although Faith was hiding it better than Willow, by letting her hair hang over her face.

"How much did you hear?" Buffy inquired quietly.

"A bit, but we got most of the story from Connor and Gunn yesterday." Willow replied. Buffy nodded and looked down into her cup as if it held all the answers in the universe.

"How is he?" Faith asked just as quietly as Buffy had done. The blonde sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"He's asleep, he's been holding onto all that for so long…" Buffy trailed off and the girls nodded.

"How are you?" Willow said pointedly eliciting another sigh from the blonde.

"Tired? Yeah, tired works. I've never seen him break like that… I thought when he came back from Hell… but in a way this is worse… God, I feel like such a bitch for what I said to him yesterday."

"You had every right to be mad B," Faith said firmly. " and I kinda didn't… I'm sorry I lost it like that… he's like my big brother you know… and I don't do worry well."

"Apology accepted, and to be honest, when it comes to Angel, I'm not so good at keeping in the crazies either." Buffy replied understandingly.

"Well slayer wars aside…" Willow said, pointedly sterringt he converstion back on track. "Faith was right about you having the right to be mad, he had no right to invade our minds like that."

"He knows, that's why he couldn't tell us, tell me. I think… in his own time he'll make his apologies to all of us… but in the meantime, we need to be supportive. He so fragile… Wow, Angel and fragile, not two words I thought I'd out together again"

Once again the two other girls nodded.

Angel woke to the feeling of someone gently stroking the side of his face. Prying his eyes open, he looked up at Buffy, and she offered him a small smile.

"Hey."

"Hey," Angel shot back groggily, and tried to sit up. Grimacing he slumped, and Buffy reached out to help him. Once he was upright, she passed him the glass from the nightstand, and a couple of pills she'd had out already. Taking the offering he frowned, offering Buffy a curious look.

"Willow reminded me that you'd probably need those," Buffy said sheepishly.

"She keeps better track of when I need these than I do" Angel replied once he'd swallowed. They shared a small smile, but neither managed to be that successful.

"Feel any better?" Buffy asked softly after a second, shifting on the bed so Angel could lean on her again.

"Yeah," Angel replied equally soft. He almost purred as Buffy ran her fingers through his hair.

"Feel up to talking some more?" She didn't wait for him respond before backtracked slightly. "We don't have to, but if you feel up to it…"

"It's ok… there's stuff we need to talk about."

"Connor…" She felt Angel stiffen slightly, and frowned. "Angel? We don't have to…"

"What about Connor?" Buffy mentally shrugged; if Angel wanted to keep talking she wasn't going to refuse.

"You guys talked so…?"

There was a pause before Angel replied, then a long sigh. "We're going to try and work things out." He swallowed stiffly, "The spell, the new life… its all gone… I'm all he has…"

"I'm sure he doesn't see it like that." Buffy interjected gently.

"I don't know… but I'm not complaining… he's my son… giving him up… it was like leaving you all over again."

Buffy held him tighter when he said that, if Angel had felt as she had after he left Sunnydale, then she knew the pain he spoke of. "You did the right thing."

They both frowned, neither sure if she was referring to him leaving her, or giving up Connor. Then Angel snorted. "No I didn't, but maybe… maybe things will turn out for the best now…"

Now they both knew he was talking about both events. They remained in silnce for a while before Buffy spoke again.

"Angel…"

"Hmmm?"

"What I told you about Spike… do I… Do I disgust you?"

Angel sat up with a jolt and turned to face her, his face a mask of incredulity. "Disgust me?"

Buffy bit her lip and looked down, the insecurity that had almost drowned her a couple of days before returning full force. Angel took her chin in her hand and leant forward, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "Never."

One word, but it meant the world to her. They shifted on the bed again, this time finding their positions reversed so that Buffy was leaning on him. To an outside observer, it would like Buffy was the fragile one, but they would see the way Angel gripped her to him, the way he was drawing strength from her.

"So no more secrets?" Buffy asked. Angel sighed, there was just one left. It had slipped his mind before, but laying on her bed, embraced as they were, the memories returned unbidden. "Angel?"

"There is… I… Do you remember when you came to visit that Thanksgiving?"

"yeah…?" Buffy replied suspiciously, she tried to move out of his embrace to face him, but tightened his hold on her and she gave in.

"It sorta happened twice… Buffy… the first time around… I didn't kill the Morah, it got away… we tracked it… we split up… I fought it, its blood mixed with mine and made me mortal…" Buffy gasped but he shushed her. "Please… I have to say this… so… I met you on Santa Monica peer… we kissed in the sunlight… you just like I thought you would in sunlight… like an angel."

"What happened?" Buffy asked but she already had an inkling that she knew, a memory or a memory of memory from a time and place she tried hard to forget.

"We went back to my apartment… we talked and then… we made love for hours… it was heaven… or closest I've ever been." Buffy felt Angel's body hitch beside her and she gripped him tighter. The images from that day rose in her mind, and she knew now that she'd known all along.

"You went off to fight Morah… then you gave it back." Buffy stated. Angel did release her then and turn to look at her.

"How?… when?… huh?"

"I saw this… when I was in Heaven… I saw this…" She said more to herself than Angel. "I thought it was just my mind playing tricks… so much I saw there was so unreal once I was back… but this… this happened?"

Angel bit his lip and nodded.

"You gave up humanity for me? I promised I'd never forget… and I did, then when I saw you in April… oh god." Tears rushed to her eyes unbidden and she buried her head in his chest. "I'm so sorry… I promised, and I did… oh god."

Angel gathered her close and buried his nose in her hair, his own tears returning.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Buffy pulled back and shook her head furiously "No… don't be, you did it for me… you gave up your dream… for me… Never be sorry."

Neither could tell who started the kiss, but it was filled with long suppressed passion and longing. Breaking apart to breathe, Buffy looked him straight in the eye, saying something she'd wanted to say for far too long.

"I love you."

The final weight lifted from his ever-heavy heart. She still loved him, after all he'd said and done, she still loved him, not liked, not cared, but loved.

"I love you." The words tripped off his tongue, and they were the easiest and truest three words he'd ever spoken. Their lips came to together again, their passion flaring just as hot and bright as it had done so many years before. In a startling mirror of a dream they'd shared long ago, Buffy found her self straddling him on her knees, their hands roaming under clothing, eager to touch skin that had been so long denied.

Buffy went to pull Angel's shirt from him, he reached up and grabbed her hands and stopped her. Baffled she scowled at him, but he just offered her a sheepish lopsided smile, and flicked his eyes over to the nightstand. Buffy turned to follow his look and caught a glimpse of the two pills bottles. She understood; once again there was something stopping them from fulfilling their greatest desire.

It bubbled in the throat and burst free before she could stop it. She giggled. Angel sat back stunned, then he too started to laugh. Soon they were both howling, the irony of their situation too funny for either of them to ignore.

Downstairs, Willow and Faith looked up at the ceiling as the sound of laughter drifted down from the upstairs. Sharing incredulous looks Willow sighed.

"Here we go again."

Tbc