AN: Okay, so this is just something that was itching to be written. It probably took me a total of 15 minutes, which is a record. I know it's short, but I like it.
Oh, and if anyone wants to make this more than just a one-shot (which I doubt), let me know. Although, I probably won't do that if I don't have a beta. So, without further ado, enjoy.
"Will you persist even after I bet you a billion dollars that I'll never love you?
And will you persist even after I kiss you goodbye for the last time?
Will you keep on trying?"
- "Coin-operated Boy." The Dresden Dolls
No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!
That was all she could keep saying over and over in her head. No. She kept hearing herself shout it. She kept replaying what had just happened over and over. She kept hearing him tell her to leave with him. She kept hearing herself saying no continuously. She kept seeing his face as, for once, the tables were turned and she broke his heart. She watched it smash into a million different sharp-edged, painful pieces that would stab his chest every time he breathed, and that could never again be reassembled. She watched as he walked out of her room (and probably her life) for good. She kept seeing this over and over in her head.
And all she could think about was how she couldn't say no loudly enough. She wanted to make sure everyone knew that she said no. No, no, no, no! She couldn't let her mind wander off that one-syllable, two-letter word. She couldn't. There was no telling what might happen if she did.
She might think about how terribly he was probably hurting right at that very moment as he drove back to wherever it was he was calling home nowadays. She might think about how she just wanted to break down and sob uncontrollably for hours. She might think about how her relationship with Dean was going into territory that shouldn't have ever even been there, because he shouldn't be married. She might think about how all she had wanted to do when she saw him was fall into him, and let herself mold to him like she had just a few years ago. She might think about all this and then think about her answer some more.
No.
It was of course the logical answer. There was no way she was going with him anywhere. He had caused her so much pain that she still hadn't gotten over. That was evident because she was still single and had been since he left. There were plenty of amazing, available men at Yale just waiting to be scooped up, but she couldn't give them what they or what anybody else wanted.
She knew deep down that he was right; that everything he had said was right. She knew that she had loved him and still did love him. She knew that she could go with him, if she really wanted to. She knew all of this and still she knew that her answer had been the right one to give.
While it was true that she was still pining for him, she couldn't have just abandoned everything she knew for him. Logic wouldn't allow her. She did, however, know that he really, truly loved her, and that he probably would have stayed with her if she had asked. He would have lived in Connecticut until they were ready to take another step forward. Why wouldn't he? He had just finished telling her how much he loved her, and how he was reliable now. And yet that tiny, simple word known to even dogs and babies still kept resonating through her mind.
No.
She couldn't. She was too afraid of what would happen if she admitted that she did want him. That she had wanted him more than anything right then. That she longed for him to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her, and to love her the way he used to. She wanted to feel his arm draped around her as they strolled across campus talking about whatever came to mind. She wanted to have someone to debate with, someone who wouldn't give up a fight. She wanted to feel his hot breath against her as they shared an embrace. She wanted to feel his lips firmly pressed against hers. She couldn't help wanting him near her again. That feeling was missing from her life and she wanted it back. And yet her answer remained, etched in her mind and heart.
No.
She knew what she wanted, but she also knew that she couldn't have it. Not right now. Maybe not even in the near future, but sometime she hoped she would finally get what she wanted. That someday she could look him in his dark, passion-filled eyes and say what she had been longing to say since he walked out her door: Yes.