Glossary: Bruja=Witch, Puta=Whore, Diablo=Devil, Demono=Demon, Alma=Soul,
Alcohol=Spirit, Padre=Father, Madre=Mother, Hoji=Son, Black Magic=Magia Negra, Innocent=Inocentes, Children=Ninos, You are a Liar=Usted es un mentiroso, Liar=Mentiroso, God save me=El Dios me ahorra, Help Me= Ayudeme, Joven=Woman, Bujer Joven=Young Woman, Novia=Fiancee, Mierda=Shit!,
Chapter Four
The Diary of Alyse de'Angeles
Leon, Spain
Year of Our Lord 1623
Ashes of the Red Rose
The Spanish Inquisition
April 15, 1623
I finally beat Lucas up the hill to the Hacienda today. He always beats me because he can run so much faster than I, but today I was determined I was going to win because I am just so tired of him telling me that girls cannot run as fast as boys. Well, I showed him. I just pulled my skirts up a little, and I flew right past him like he was not moving at all. The look on his face was wonderful. I have never seen him look so shocked, at least not since we were little and I put that gecko down his pants. This time was just as good as that, but then everything went wrong.
After we got to the Hacienda, he became very upset with me. At first I thought it was just because I had beaten him, but it was not. Lucas was angry because I had lifted up my skirts so I could run better. He said showing my legs in public was indecent and I should be ashamed of myself for having done anything so lascivious. I could not believe he was speaking to ME like that. He has never be unkind or cruel to me before, but he was standing there comparing me to the puta that work in the courtesan houses. I tried to tell him I had done nothing wrong because one else had been around to see me except him, and he was my Novia. He told me that make no difference, and he would never tolerate such actions from me again.
That is when I became angry. I told him he was not yet my Husband, and was most certainly not my Father so he had no right to tell me what to do. I do not think I have ever seen him that upset before. His eyes turned wild and I thought he might actually strike me, but all he did was tell me that as my Novia, he DID have the right to tell me what to do, and I WOULD obey his wishes without question because that was what women were supposed to do. OBEY.
I have never been one to back down from a fight in my entire life. Heaven knows I have been fighting with Estephan since we were children, and it is a difficult behavior to break. Besides, I never have liked the concept of women always having to do whatever men tell them to without
question. I think its wrong. I think it makes women mens slaves whether they are wives or servants, and that is not right. And I told him so. That is when he began his litany on what The Church teaches us is right and proper behavior for women, and it was pretty much all the same as what he had been saying all along. Men were superior to women, and God wanted women to serve men. Except, he said that The Church taught women were soulless demons possessed of a great Evil that could possess a man's mind, and make him do impure things that would threaten the sanctity of his eternal soul. When I asked him what these impure things were, all he did was scowl at me, and tell me he did not know because I had never made him do anything he thought was impure.
It was all very confusing to me, and sounded more like just another reason to force women into a life of submission and servitude to men, and I did not like the way it made me feel. I did not want to spend the rest of my life bowing and scraping to Lucas's every wish and whim. I wanted to feel free and happy. I wanted to experience this life, and enjoy everything it had to offer to the fullest, but it appeared, according to The Church, I was not supposed to be able to do that. There was something
evil locked away inside of me, and the only to control it, was for me to become a slave to my future husband. I felt like I was being led into prison, and when I looked into his eyes, he looked more like an executioner than my Novia. That is when I committed quite possibly the biggest sin I have ever committed in my life. I looked at Lucas and said "The Church is wrong." Poor Lucas. His eyes looked like they were going to pop right out of his head, and then he started berating me in a voice I have never heard him use on anyone. Least of all, ME.
He told me I was speaking blasphemy against The Church, and that I was denying the dictates and teachings of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. I told him that was not true that I just did not agree with their views on women and their place in society, nor on their belief that women were innately evil. In fact, I said something to him that nearly did cause him to strike me. I said, "How can those men teach that women are unclean, impure demons that need to be controlled and forced to submit when each and every one of them had a mother of his own? Are those demented assholes calling their own Mother's puta demons?"
I know I should not have said that, but I was upset because he was agreeing with The Church, and that meant deep down inside, he was calling me a soulless demon with an impure heart, and that thought caused me great pain. I started to cry, and I could see him trying to wrestle with the questions I had planted in his mind. It was a fierce struggle, but his belief in The Church won over, and he told me I needed to go home and consider everything I had said and done today, and then I needed to ask God to forgive me for my blasphemies.
How can I ask God to forgive me for something I did when I do not believe it was wrong?
April 29, 1623
Mass
Lucas made me go to Mass with him today. He said taking Communion would be good for my soul and help me better understand the reasons why we must all do what The Lord asks of us, but all I could see were people kneeling on a stone floor while a priest walked speaking prayers in Latin and feeding them little pieces of bread, and then offering them tiny cups of wine. I understood that these two things were supposed to represent the blood and body of Jesus Christ, and the ritual glorified his sacrifice for the sins of the world, but I could not understand what any of it had to do with believing women were soulless, evil, impure demon creatures sent from hell to test mens strength of spirit.
On the way home, I asked Lucas that same question, and he looked at me like I was a stupido Nino. He said the purpose of Mass was to go and renew ones' soul in the sacrifice of Christ, and to ask forgiveness of one's sins.
I asked him what happened if one felt he had no sins to be forgiven for, and he became very irritated with me. He said The Church taught that there was not one man among us who was without sin, and everyone needed to go to Mass to repent for their imperfections and inadequacies. Especially women, because they had more to be forgiven for. I could see at that point he was not in the mood for another one of my questions, so I held my tongue, but I am still so confused. Why do women have so much more to be repentant for than men do?
What is it about us that The Church hates so much? Or is it just the MEN in The Church that hate us?
May 7, 1623
I spent the day with Papa today. He is insisting that I work harder at my studies than I have been lately. I wish he could understand that I do not want to do this. I have told him over and over again so many times that I do not want to follow him and Estephan into the Coven, but he refuses to listen to me. He keeps telling me that there has never been a de'Angeles born who did not walk the journey path and join the Coven, and I am not going to be the first. The thought of all that reading and
memorizing simply bores me to death, and I hate having to write and rewrite everything until he is satisfied with the way it looks. I wonder what Lucas would say if he knew I could read and write both Spanish AND Italian? He does not even know that I can read.
Ladies are not supposed to be able to read or write. Education is reserved for men only, and I think that is foolish. Especially when the Courtesan's can be educated. That is something that has always confused me. How is it that a puta can learn to read and write and society could care less, but if a Senorita is found to have any education at all, she could be arrested and put in prison?
Papa says that I have to be careful what I say and where I say it. He says I could put myself in terrible danger if I keep speaking my mind the way I do. I am not sure what he means by that because speaking and reading are not the same thing.
I really do not understand all of these things Papa and Lucas keep talking about. What is so terrible about telling people what I think? Words are not dangerous, are they? Of course, Papa is constantly
telling me to take care when I practice speaking any of the incantations we use around the house. He says that the tone of voice I use literally determines whether or not the spell will work, and even how it will work. I still do not understand that. I guess that is because I still have not been able to get any of my spells to work at all. Estephan says that is because I do not try hard enough, and because I am lazy. I think it is because I do not want them to work. If they do not work, maybe Papa won't make me practice anymore, and then maybe he won't make join the Coven either.
I asked Papa if I could tell Lucas about the Coven and all the other things our Family does, and he told me no. He told me that if Lucas knew about the things our Family did, it would put us all in grave danger. When I asked him what he meant by 'grave danger', all he would say was, "Do not tell your Novia anything, Little Rose. If you do, we will all die." Papa has never said anything like that to me before, and it frightened me. How would telling Lucas that we practice the Ancient Art cause us to die? I do not dare ask Papa any more questions, but perhaps Mama can explain to me what he meant. I will ask her in the morning.
May 8, 1623
I asked Mama what Papa meant when he told me we could all die if Lucas knew what we were doing, and what she told me is the most frightening thing I have ever heard. At first, I did not even believe her, but I could see by the look in her eyes that she was telling me the truth. How can such a terrible thing be true? How could The Church do such horrible things to innocent people just because they believe something different?
I do not think I have ever been so afraid before. There are all kinds of horrible stories about 'The Holy Inquisition' and 'The Inquisitors', but I never thought that the things we were doing could be
punishable by such unspeakable acts.
'Are we 'Heretics'?? Would they really tie us to a stake and burn us alive?? Or tie us hand and foot to a rack, and stretch our bodies until all our joints came apart?? Mon Dios. They are sadistic savages.
May 15, 1623
Lucas keeps trying to drag me back to Mass with him, but I told him I did not want to go. He wants to know why, but how can I tell him that I do not want to go because of what Mama told me about 'The Inquisition'? He would want to know why what 'The Holy Inquisition' did had anything to do with my not wanting to go to Mass with him, and I cannot tell him. Mon Dios, Papa was right. I cannot tell Lucas anything about the Family or what we do. He would turn us in to those Savages in a heartbeat. I do not think he would even bat an eye or pause to draw a breath before hauling all of us down the road to the prison. Hell, he would probably help those Devil's lock us up behind those iron bars and leave us to rot believing he was helping to save our immortal souls.
I am afraid of him now. I never really was before. I could always stand up to him and eventually get my way, but this is not the same. He cannot ever know anything about this. I could not bear to see my Papa and Mama burnt alive. I woke up screaming and crying last night because I was having a nightmare that Lucas was tying my whole family to stakes and lighting them on fire, and I could not do anything to stop him. I can still hear their screams of pain and terror inside my head. Mama came
and held me while I cried and cried. It was like being a Nino again, and being afraid of the ghosts that live in the dark.
What is going to happen to me if I marry Lucas? What will happen to my Family? I do not know if I can go through with this Marriage, but how do I get out of it without causing a scandal or shame to my Father? Dear God in heaven above, help me find a way out of this terrible situation. I am afraid my life and the lives of my Family are in grave danger. Help me, Dios... I wonder, does God hear prayers from people who do not go to church? I do not even know who to pray to anymore? Does the Goddess hear my prayers? Will she save me and my Family if that time comes, or do I trust the God of The Christian's who condones this horrible treatment of innocent people? I have begun to wonder if there is even anything out there that can be called a God. Perhaps, there is not, and we are all doomed to die no matter what we do. I have never had much faith in
prayer. To tell the truth, I have never had much faith in anything except Father and Estephan. They have always been there to help me whenever I have been in need, but I cannot pray to a Father and Brother, so, who then do I pray to for guidance and solace?
Is there a God out there?
June 22, 1623
The First Day of Summer
I hate him! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM AND I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER FORGIVE HIM. NEVER!
I do not care what he does or what he says to me, I will never forgive Lucas for what he did to me today, and I will never, never marry him. I don't care if there is scandal galore because I refuse to marry him. I don't care. He's a MONSTER and I hate him. I hope when he dies that his soul burns in Everlasting Hell if there is such a place. I want him to suffer every agony of pain and horror that can be found in this world and any other that I can find or dream up. He deserves to die screaming in the worst agony imaginable for what he's done to me. I HATE HIM!!
He's a filthy liar, and a stinking savage.
He came to the house today and told me he wanted to take me on a picnic because he missed me and the way things used to be. He said he was sorry for all the tension that seemed to have been growing between us lately and he wanted to make it up to me, and would I please join him on a picnic so we could talk and work things out? I was so happy because I actually thought he was being sincere. I thought he was admitting in his own way that we did not have to agree on everything, and we could each have our own opinions and just leave it at that, but I was wrong.
We went on our picnic, and it was beautiful. He took me down by the stream where we used to go all the time, and we talked about nonsense things like how many children I wanted, and what color of roses did I want to plant in our backyard. Foolish things that we had talked about a hundred times before. He already knew I wanted eight children and red and yellow roses, so why was he doing this? I was beginning to feel like he was just pacifying me when he stood up and pulled me to my feet and kissed me. It was a glorious kiss. It was not like any other kiss he had ever given me before. It was like floating on the sunshine and being swept away by a raging river all at the same time.
When he let go of me, he told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted us to get married. I told him I loved him too, and that I could not wait until we were married either. He said it made him happy to hear me say that, and he kissed me again. That was when he started rubbing his
hands all over me. He's never done THAT before and I tried to pull away from him, but he would not let me go. He just pulled me closer and started to grab at my clothes. It scared me and I hit him. He let go of me then, but the look on his face was terrible. I had not realized it at the time, but I hit him hard enough to make his lip bleed, and he was furious. He told me I should have never done that, and I told him that he should not have been kissing and touching and pulling on my clothes like
that. That was when he started screaming and yelling at me that it was his right to do whatever he wanted to because I was going to be his Wife. I screamed back that I was not his Wife YET, and he could NOT touch me like THAT.
He then went loco. He pounced on top of me like a wild animal and started hitting me and ripping my clothes. Before I knew it, he threw me on the ground and was laying on top of me. I screamed and screamed for him to stop, but he would not listen. He just kept tearing at my clothes. He ripped open the front of my favorite blue silk blouse and started slobbering all over my breasts with his mouth and tongue, and all I could do was scream and beg him to stop, but he still would not listen. When his hand went between us and lifted up my skirts, I started fighting him again. I tried to kick him, I tried to bite him, I tried everything I could think of, but he was just too strong. He shredded my bloomers in one tear and his hand was between my thighs hurting me in a way I never knew before. Then he undid his pants and pushed his thing up between my legs.
Lucas raped me. That bastard raped me right there by the stream, in broad daylight, like I was a puta off the street. And he hurt me. I never knew it could hurt like that. It felt like he was trying to rip me in half. Mama never told me it could hurt like that... and there was so much blood after he was done and got off me. There was blood everywhere on my legs and my underclothes, and it was all over on him too. That seemed to frighten him because he got this very odd look on his face when he noticed it, and then, with his eyes going all wide and round like the moon, he looked at me in my face acting like he was going to say something, but he didn't. Instead, his face turned pale and pasty, he looked like he might vomit, and then he just turned and ran away leaving me there crying and trying to fix my clothes that HE had torn up.
What am I going to tell Mama when she sees me like this? What will she tell Papa, and what will HE do to Lucas?
Mierda! What do I care what he does to Lucas? I hope he sends the Demono's to slice him up into little pieces and eat him for supper, or maybe just hex him with some nasty flesh dissolving disease that would take him years to die from, and cause him the worst pain ever. Actually, I would like to do something that would make his little pecker fall off... yes, I would. That filthy maggot deserves nothing less than that after what he did to me. I WISH HE WAS DEAD, ROTTING SPOILED FLESH RIDDLED WITH MAGGOTS AND WORMS, AND I WISH THE CROWS WOULD PECK OUT HIS PUTRID EYES AND THEN PICK OUT THE MUSH OF HIS VILE BRAIN.
There. Papa said the written word cannot hurt anyone. So, as long as I never say the words, Lucas can live. But he better hope he never so much as looks at me again, or... I will forget everything Papa ever said about the things I say and the tone of voice I say them in.
Alcohol=Spirit, Padre=Father, Madre=Mother, Hoji=Son, Black Magic=Magia Negra, Innocent=Inocentes, Children=Ninos, You are a Liar=Usted es un mentiroso, Liar=Mentiroso, God save me=El Dios me ahorra, Help Me= Ayudeme, Joven=Woman, Bujer Joven=Young Woman, Novia=Fiancee, Mierda=Shit!,
Chapter Four
The Diary of Alyse de'Angeles
Leon, Spain
Year of Our Lord 1623
Ashes of the Red Rose
The Spanish Inquisition
April 15, 1623
I finally beat Lucas up the hill to the Hacienda today. He always beats me because he can run so much faster than I, but today I was determined I was going to win because I am just so tired of him telling me that girls cannot run as fast as boys. Well, I showed him. I just pulled my skirts up a little, and I flew right past him like he was not moving at all. The look on his face was wonderful. I have never seen him look so shocked, at least not since we were little and I put that gecko down his pants. This time was just as good as that, but then everything went wrong.
After we got to the Hacienda, he became very upset with me. At first I thought it was just because I had beaten him, but it was not. Lucas was angry because I had lifted up my skirts so I could run better. He said showing my legs in public was indecent and I should be ashamed of myself for having done anything so lascivious. I could not believe he was speaking to ME like that. He has never be unkind or cruel to me before, but he was standing there comparing me to the puta that work in the courtesan houses. I tried to tell him I had done nothing wrong because one else had been around to see me except him, and he was my Novia. He told me that make no difference, and he would never tolerate such actions from me again.
That is when I became angry. I told him he was not yet my Husband, and was most certainly not my Father so he had no right to tell me what to do. I do not think I have ever seen him that upset before. His eyes turned wild and I thought he might actually strike me, but all he did was tell me that as my Novia, he DID have the right to tell me what to do, and I WOULD obey his wishes without question because that was what women were supposed to do. OBEY.
I have never been one to back down from a fight in my entire life. Heaven knows I have been fighting with Estephan since we were children, and it is a difficult behavior to break. Besides, I never have liked the concept of women always having to do whatever men tell them to without
question. I think its wrong. I think it makes women mens slaves whether they are wives or servants, and that is not right. And I told him so. That is when he began his litany on what The Church teaches us is right and proper behavior for women, and it was pretty much all the same as what he had been saying all along. Men were superior to women, and God wanted women to serve men. Except, he said that The Church taught women were soulless demons possessed of a great Evil that could possess a man's mind, and make him do impure things that would threaten the sanctity of his eternal soul. When I asked him what these impure things were, all he did was scowl at me, and tell me he did not know because I had never made him do anything he thought was impure.
It was all very confusing to me, and sounded more like just another reason to force women into a life of submission and servitude to men, and I did not like the way it made me feel. I did not want to spend the rest of my life bowing and scraping to Lucas's every wish and whim. I wanted to feel free and happy. I wanted to experience this life, and enjoy everything it had to offer to the fullest, but it appeared, according to The Church, I was not supposed to be able to do that. There was something
evil locked away inside of me, and the only to control it, was for me to become a slave to my future husband. I felt like I was being led into prison, and when I looked into his eyes, he looked more like an executioner than my Novia. That is when I committed quite possibly the biggest sin I have ever committed in my life. I looked at Lucas and said "The Church is wrong." Poor Lucas. His eyes looked like they were going to pop right out of his head, and then he started berating me in a voice I have never heard him use on anyone. Least of all, ME.
He told me I was speaking blasphemy against The Church, and that I was denying the dictates and teachings of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. I told him that was not true that I just did not agree with their views on women and their place in society, nor on their belief that women were innately evil. In fact, I said something to him that nearly did cause him to strike me. I said, "How can those men teach that women are unclean, impure demons that need to be controlled and forced to submit when each and every one of them had a mother of his own? Are those demented assholes calling their own Mother's puta demons?"
I know I should not have said that, but I was upset because he was agreeing with The Church, and that meant deep down inside, he was calling me a soulless demon with an impure heart, and that thought caused me great pain. I started to cry, and I could see him trying to wrestle with the questions I had planted in his mind. It was a fierce struggle, but his belief in The Church won over, and he told me I needed to go home and consider everything I had said and done today, and then I needed to ask God to forgive me for my blasphemies.
How can I ask God to forgive me for something I did when I do not believe it was wrong?
April 29, 1623
Mass
Lucas made me go to Mass with him today. He said taking Communion would be good for my soul and help me better understand the reasons why we must all do what The Lord asks of us, but all I could see were people kneeling on a stone floor while a priest walked speaking prayers in Latin and feeding them little pieces of bread, and then offering them tiny cups of wine. I understood that these two things were supposed to represent the blood and body of Jesus Christ, and the ritual glorified his sacrifice for the sins of the world, but I could not understand what any of it had to do with believing women were soulless, evil, impure demon creatures sent from hell to test mens strength of spirit.
On the way home, I asked Lucas that same question, and he looked at me like I was a stupido Nino. He said the purpose of Mass was to go and renew ones' soul in the sacrifice of Christ, and to ask forgiveness of one's sins.
I asked him what happened if one felt he had no sins to be forgiven for, and he became very irritated with me. He said The Church taught that there was not one man among us who was without sin, and everyone needed to go to Mass to repent for their imperfections and inadequacies. Especially women, because they had more to be forgiven for. I could see at that point he was not in the mood for another one of my questions, so I held my tongue, but I am still so confused. Why do women have so much more to be repentant for than men do?
What is it about us that The Church hates so much? Or is it just the MEN in The Church that hate us?
May 7, 1623
I spent the day with Papa today. He is insisting that I work harder at my studies than I have been lately. I wish he could understand that I do not want to do this. I have told him over and over again so many times that I do not want to follow him and Estephan into the Coven, but he refuses to listen to me. He keeps telling me that there has never been a de'Angeles born who did not walk the journey path and join the Coven, and I am not going to be the first. The thought of all that reading and
memorizing simply bores me to death, and I hate having to write and rewrite everything until he is satisfied with the way it looks. I wonder what Lucas would say if he knew I could read and write both Spanish AND Italian? He does not even know that I can read.
Ladies are not supposed to be able to read or write. Education is reserved for men only, and I think that is foolish. Especially when the Courtesan's can be educated. That is something that has always confused me. How is it that a puta can learn to read and write and society could care less, but if a Senorita is found to have any education at all, she could be arrested and put in prison?
Papa says that I have to be careful what I say and where I say it. He says I could put myself in terrible danger if I keep speaking my mind the way I do. I am not sure what he means by that because speaking and reading are not the same thing.
I really do not understand all of these things Papa and Lucas keep talking about. What is so terrible about telling people what I think? Words are not dangerous, are they? Of course, Papa is constantly
telling me to take care when I practice speaking any of the incantations we use around the house. He says that the tone of voice I use literally determines whether or not the spell will work, and even how it will work. I still do not understand that. I guess that is because I still have not been able to get any of my spells to work at all. Estephan says that is because I do not try hard enough, and because I am lazy. I think it is because I do not want them to work. If they do not work, maybe Papa won't make me practice anymore, and then maybe he won't make join the Coven either.
I asked Papa if I could tell Lucas about the Coven and all the other things our Family does, and he told me no. He told me that if Lucas knew about the things our Family did, it would put us all in grave danger. When I asked him what he meant by 'grave danger', all he would say was, "Do not tell your Novia anything, Little Rose. If you do, we will all die." Papa has never said anything like that to me before, and it frightened me. How would telling Lucas that we practice the Ancient Art cause us to die? I do not dare ask Papa any more questions, but perhaps Mama can explain to me what he meant. I will ask her in the morning.
May 8, 1623
I asked Mama what Papa meant when he told me we could all die if Lucas knew what we were doing, and what she told me is the most frightening thing I have ever heard. At first, I did not even believe her, but I could see by the look in her eyes that she was telling me the truth. How can such a terrible thing be true? How could The Church do such horrible things to innocent people just because they believe something different?
I do not think I have ever been so afraid before. There are all kinds of horrible stories about 'The Holy Inquisition' and 'The Inquisitors', but I never thought that the things we were doing could be
punishable by such unspeakable acts.
'Are we 'Heretics'?? Would they really tie us to a stake and burn us alive?? Or tie us hand and foot to a rack, and stretch our bodies until all our joints came apart?? Mon Dios. They are sadistic savages.
May 15, 1623
Lucas keeps trying to drag me back to Mass with him, but I told him I did not want to go. He wants to know why, but how can I tell him that I do not want to go because of what Mama told me about 'The Inquisition'? He would want to know why what 'The Holy Inquisition' did had anything to do with my not wanting to go to Mass with him, and I cannot tell him. Mon Dios, Papa was right. I cannot tell Lucas anything about the Family or what we do. He would turn us in to those Savages in a heartbeat. I do not think he would even bat an eye or pause to draw a breath before hauling all of us down the road to the prison. Hell, he would probably help those Devil's lock us up behind those iron bars and leave us to rot believing he was helping to save our immortal souls.
I am afraid of him now. I never really was before. I could always stand up to him and eventually get my way, but this is not the same. He cannot ever know anything about this. I could not bear to see my Papa and Mama burnt alive. I woke up screaming and crying last night because I was having a nightmare that Lucas was tying my whole family to stakes and lighting them on fire, and I could not do anything to stop him. I can still hear their screams of pain and terror inside my head. Mama came
and held me while I cried and cried. It was like being a Nino again, and being afraid of the ghosts that live in the dark.
What is going to happen to me if I marry Lucas? What will happen to my Family? I do not know if I can go through with this Marriage, but how do I get out of it without causing a scandal or shame to my Father? Dear God in heaven above, help me find a way out of this terrible situation. I am afraid my life and the lives of my Family are in grave danger. Help me, Dios... I wonder, does God hear prayers from people who do not go to church? I do not even know who to pray to anymore? Does the Goddess hear my prayers? Will she save me and my Family if that time comes, or do I trust the God of The Christian's who condones this horrible treatment of innocent people? I have begun to wonder if there is even anything out there that can be called a God. Perhaps, there is not, and we are all doomed to die no matter what we do. I have never had much faith in
prayer. To tell the truth, I have never had much faith in anything except Father and Estephan. They have always been there to help me whenever I have been in need, but I cannot pray to a Father and Brother, so, who then do I pray to for guidance and solace?
Is there a God out there?
June 22, 1623
The First Day of Summer
I hate him! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM AND I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER FORGIVE HIM. NEVER!
I do not care what he does or what he says to me, I will never forgive Lucas for what he did to me today, and I will never, never marry him. I don't care if there is scandal galore because I refuse to marry him. I don't care. He's a MONSTER and I hate him. I hope when he dies that his soul burns in Everlasting Hell if there is such a place. I want him to suffer every agony of pain and horror that can be found in this world and any other that I can find or dream up. He deserves to die screaming in the worst agony imaginable for what he's done to me. I HATE HIM!!
He's a filthy liar, and a stinking savage.
He came to the house today and told me he wanted to take me on a picnic because he missed me and the way things used to be. He said he was sorry for all the tension that seemed to have been growing between us lately and he wanted to make it up to me, and would I please join him on a picnic so we could talk and work things out? I was so happy because I actually thought he was being sincere. I thought he was admitting in his own way that we did not have to agree on everything, and we could each have our own opinions and just leave it at that, but I was wrong.
We went on our picnic, and it was beautiful. He took me down by the stream where we used to go all the time, and we talked about nonsense things like how many children I wanted, and what color of roses did I want to plant in our backyard. Foolish things that we had talked about a hundred times before. He already knew I wanted eight children and red and yellow roses, so why was he doing this? I was beginning to feel like he was just pacifying me when he stood up and pulled me to my feet and kissed me. It was a glorious kiss. It was not like any other kiss he had ever given me before. It was like floating on the sunshine and being swept away by a raging river all at the same time.
When he let go of me, he told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted us to get married. I told him I loved him too, and that I could not wait until we were married either. He said it made him happy to hear me say that, and he kissed me again. That was when he started rubbing his
hands all over me. He's never done THAT before and I tried to pull away from him, but he would not let me go. He just pulled me closer and started to grab at my clothes. It scared me and I hit him. He let go of me then, but the look on his face was terrible. I had not realized it at the time, but I hit him hard enough to make his lip bleed, and he was furious. He told me I should have never done that, and I told him that he should not have been kissing and touching and pulling on my clothes like
that. That was when he started screaming and yelling at me that it was his right to do whatever he wanted to because I was going to be his Wife. I screamed back that I was not his Wife YET, and he could NOT touch me like THAT.
He then went loco. He pounced on top of me like a wild animal and started hitting me and ripping my clothes. Before I knew it, he threw me on the ground and was laying on top of me. I screamed and screamed for him to stop, but he would not listen. He just kept tearing at my clothes. He ripped open the front of my favorite blue silk blouse and started slobbering all over my breasts with his mouth and tongue, and all I could do was scream and beg him to stop, but he still would not listen. When his hand went between us and lifted up my skirts, I started fighting him again. I tried to kick him, I tried to bite him, I tried everything I could think of, but he was just too strong. He shredded my bloomers in one tear and his hand was between my thighs hurting me in a way I never knew before. Then he undid his pants and pushed his thing up between my legs.
Lucas raped me. That bastard raped me right there by the stream, in broad daylight, like I was a puta off the street. And he hurt me. I never knew it could hurt like that. It felt like he was trying to rip me in half. Mama never told me it could hurt like that... and there was so much blood after he was done and got off me. There was blood everywhere on my legs and my underclothes, and it was all over on him too. That seemed to frighten him because he got this very odd look on his face when he noticed it, and then, with his eyes going all wide and round like the moon, he looked at me in my face acting like he was going to say something, but he didn't. Instead, his face turned pale and pasty, he looked like he might vomit, and then he just turned and ran away leaving me there crying and trying to fix my clothes that HE had torn up.
What am I going to tell Mama when she sees me like this? What will she tell Papa, and what will HE do to Lucas?
Mierda! What do I care what he does to Lucas? I hope he sends the Demono's to slice him up into little pieces and eat him for supper, or maybe just hex him with some nasty flesh dissolving disease that would take him years to die from, and cause him the worst pain ever. Actually, I would like to do something that would make his little pecker fall off... yes, I would. That filthy maggot deserves nothing less than that after what he did to me. I WISH HE WAS DEAD, ROTTING SPOILED FLESH RIDDLED WITH MAGGOTS AND WORMS, AND I WISH THE CROWS WOULD PECK OUT HIS PUTRID EYES AND THEN PICK OUT THE MUSH OF HIS VILE BRAIN.
There. Papa said the written word cannot hurt anyone. So, as long as I never say the words, Lucas can live. But he better hope he never so much as looks at me again, or... I will forget everything Papa ever said about the things I say and the tone of voice I say them in.