This is my first work of fan fiction. I wrote it loosely based on the folk tale called "Why the Sea is Salty," which explains exactly as the title says!
"Anyone Worth Their Salt"
Scene I
[BLANCHE and DOROTHY are out on the lanai. BLANCHE is wearing giant sunglasses and holding a foil reflector. DOROTHY is sitting at the table under an umbrella, drinking lemonade.]
DOROTHY
Blanche, if you keep this up, you're going to bake like a holiday ham.
BLANCHE
At least I don't look like a holiday ham!
[ROSE walks out from the living room sliding glass door.]
ROSE
Dorothy, have you seen my reading shawl?
DOROTHY, looking wearily at the camera
Your reading shawl?
ROSE
Yes, my reading shawl was between my shopping shawl and my eating shawl but now it's not there.
[SOPHIA walks out from the living room glass door in a shawl and giant sunglasses, laugh track sounds]
SOPHIA
I'm going shopping with some of the girls from the senior center. I'll be back later!
[Exits]
ROSE, open-mouthed
I can't believe she would go shopping in a reading shawl!
[Exits]
BLANCHE
Well, I think I'm tan enough. I'm starting to sweat. It reminds me of the time Paul Newman saw me across the pool at the Fountain Bleu and…
DOROTHY, aggravated
I've heard enough! I'm going inside to pack lunch for my first day back at work tomorrow. Summer never lasts long enough and the students aren't the only ones that wish it did!
[End scene]
Scene II
DOROTHY AND BLANCHE are in the living room watching Password on TV, Rose is reading in her shopping shawl with a sigh
[Enter SOPHIA]
SOPHIA
I'm back, Pussycat, and I've got a gift for you.
ROSE
Is it a TV-watching shawl?
DOROTHY
Enough with the shawls, Rose! It's hardly a reading shawl if you're reading the JC Penney's catalog!
ROSE
Well, I had to read this catalog since all I have is my shopping shawl! [Laugh track]
SOPHIA
Well, Pussycat, since you're my second favorite child after Phil, I got you a gift while I was out today. I thought you could wear it tomorrow for your big day at the school!
[SOPHIA pulls out a boxy, drapey salmon-colored pantsuit]
DOROTHY
Ma, you shouldn't have! Of course I'll wear it tomorrow!
BLANCHE
[An aside to ROSE] If I had to name that color, I would say blush and bashful because I would be blushing and bashful if I had to wear it!
[End scene]
Scene III
[BLANCHE and ROSE are sitting at the kitchen table with coffee]
ROSE
I sure hope Dorothy had a good first day back at the school! You know, in St. Olaf, all the children sat around holes in the ice and fished while the teacher taught math.
BLANCHE
You're making that up!
ROSE
No, of course not! Where do you think one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish came from?
[BLANCHE shakes her head in disbelief]
[Enter DOROTHY]
DOROTHY
What a terrible first day! In first period, we did icebreakers…
ROSE
Oh! We learned that in school in St. Olaf before math!
DOROTHY, persevering
And every student made their fun fact about themselves something they disliked about my ensemble!
BLANCHE
Oh, I'd love to hear some of them! I could think of a few myself!
DOROTHY
Oh, enough! I can't wear this pantsuit ever again. Do you know I stopped by the store after work to pick up some cheesecake and I ran into Stan? He said I looked like a scarecrow that was looking to spawn upstream! [Laugh track]
[Takes cheesecake out and places it on the table with plates and forks]
ROSE
But Dorothy, Sophia was so excited to give you that suit!
DOROTHY
Oh please, she can't even remember which pills to take every morning since she ran out of Shady Pines and came to live with us. She will never notice if I don't wear the suit again.
BLANCHE
I'm going to donate clothes that are too big for me since I've taken up pilates with my new suitor, the Truck King of Miami, Earl Wallace. Maybe you want to throw the pantsuit into the donation box by the door. I'm going to drop it by the Salvation Army tomorrow!
DOROTHY
Alright, I will. Just don't let my mother see it!
[End scene]
Scene IV
[Night time, SOPHIA comes out of the kitchen with a slice of cheesecake on a plate and notices a bag by the door. She looks in the bag and pulls out the salmon pantsuit, looking astonished]
SOPHIA
I see how it is, Pussycat! No respect at all! Well, I'll show you.
[Exits, pantsuit in hand]
[End scene}
Scene V
[Weeks pass, SOPHIA has been increasingly salty towards DOROTHY, making snide comments about her attire and lack of gratitude, DOROTHY, ROSE, and BLANCHE are sitting in the living room.]
DOROTHY
I don't know what has gotten into Ma. Everytime I try to talk to her, she has a rude comment about my attire and claims I'm her most ungrateful child. I can't believe her after I took her in when her retirement home burnt down!
BLANCHE
Well, everyone has a rude comment about your outfit. Some of us just have more couth. That's why some of us get dates and others don't.
DOROTHY, ignoring BLANCHE
Maybe I should try to do something nice for her then she won't be able to say that I'm an ungrateful daughter.
ROSE
I have a great idea! How about we make her dinner! In St. Olaf, we show gratitude by making Gnurchen-Frurgen cake to have for dessert!
DOROTHY
My mother does not want any Gerkin-Frugal cake! I say we dress up and go out to a nice dinner.
BLANCHE
Oooh, I love that. I have a new outfit to try out. It's got so many reflective sequins that I'll be like a lighthouse guiding available men into a harbor.
ROSE
Yes, let's! I know my eating shawl is still in the closet at least!
[End scene]
Scene VI
[DOROTHY, SOPHIA (wrapped in a shawl), ROSE, and BLANCHE are all dressed up, sitting at a high-end Italian restaurant]
DOROTHY
Isn't this great, Ma! Doesn't it remind you of the old country?
SOPHIA
Stop trying to butter me up, Pussycat! No Italian cuisine is going to compare to Sicilian cuisine in my home village! And it's not enough to get back in my good graces.
ROSE
Oh, I know. Nothing compares to the food in St. Olaf! I still made a Gnurchen-Frurgen cake for when we get..
DOROTHY, ignoring ROSE and interjecting
Oh Ma, why have you been so salty towards me lately?
SOPHIA
Let me answer your question with a story. Picture it! Sicily, 1918. A poor but beautiful young girl receives a broach from her mother. She thanks her and wears it everywhere. She looks great in that broach and all the gentlemen in the village want to be her suitor. Her mother is proud. The moral of the story is that anyone worth their salt cherishes a gift from her mother and is rewarded for it.
[Pulls off the shawl with a flourish to reveal the pantsuit, now beautifully tailored. BLANCHE, ROSE, and the waitstaff all gather around her with exclamations of praise]
DOROTHY, astonished, crosses her arms
Well, that explains why she was so salty.
[End final scene]