Chapter Eleven
The Diary of Alyse de'Angles
Leon, Spain
Ashes of The Red Rose
July 31, 1632
I have not seen nor heard from Lucas since that terrible day. Estephan said that Papa had broken off the engagement contract with Senior Margoles' shortly after I told him what had happened by the stream between us. I have to say that I am relieved, but I am also afraid. I wonder what reason Papa used to dissolve the contract, and I am also wondering what Lucas might be wanting to do about it considering what happened? I am sure his Father has been questioning him about our relationship and the nature of our contact ever since he and Father spoke to one another. I wonder what Lucas has been telling him about us? Has he been telling him about how he was trying to educate me into the proper behavior of a good Catholic Wife, or has been telling him how much I was resisting the things the Church had to say about Women? Mon Dios. He could be trying to tie a noose around my neck just to save his. Besides that, I cannot help but be concerned about what Lucas thinks and does considering his view on women and sin in general, and I just cannot get that terrible nightmare I had out of my head about Lucas burning my entire family as heretics while he made me stand and watch.
Would he do something that evil? Would he hurt my family just to get back at me? I wish I knew what he was thinking right now, and I wish I knew what to do. I have to find a way to make certain my family stays safe. I have to keep them safe from Lucas and his horrible Inquisitor's.
I have over heard Papa and Estephan talking several times about 'the questioners', and I think they are afraid too. I do not know if they are afraid for the same reasons I am, but the tone of their voices made me think that they are not so certain of our safety anymore. Papa keeps talking about Mama's sister and wondering what information the 'questioners' made her tell them before they finally murdered her.
I remember the 4 women who were burned that day and how they looked. Each had bloodied fingers where their nails had been ripped out, and two of them had broken and crushed feet from being tortured with 'the boot'. Their clothes were all bloodied and torn, and not one of them had been able to walk alone. What other manner of torture had been inflicted upon their bodies could only be guessed upon, but I am certain it must have been terrible and horrible beyond description. Pain can make anyone say almost anything, at least that is what Estephan said to Papa, but both of them kept saying they prayed Aunt Patrice was stronger than the pain, and that she had not 'given up' anyone to 'the questioners'.
I can only surmise that this means Papa is fearful that Aunt Patrice may have broken down beneath the pain and torture and spoken the names of other member of her family naming them as Witches. If this is true, that could mean our family could be in perilous danger from a source other than Lucas. I pray Papa's fears are unfounded because if they are not, there will be no way to save or protect any of us.
August 7, 1632
This is terrible. It is the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me. I think I am pregnant with Lucas' child. I have not had my moon-blood since that day by the stream when he raped me, and I am starting to get sick early in the mornings. I have been trying to hide what is happening to me by getting up before everyone else, but I do not know how much longer I can keep this up. I think Papa is getting suspicious. I can see it on his face, and the sorrow that is there is
beginning to tear me apart. Damn Lucas Margoles' to Hell! I wish he were dead.
Mama is still ill and has not left her bed since the day we saw the executions in the town square and her sister was burned. Papa sets with her for hours upon hours now while Estephan runs the store for him. I can see the worry and the grief making the wrinkles in his face grow deeper by the day, and my heart is breaking as I watch them slowly dying together. I try to sit with her as often as I can, and I try to talk to her while I help her eat, but she does not respond to me any more than she does to Papa. She just stares straight ahead and says nothing at all to anyone. We are not even certain anymore if she hears us or not, nor if she is even truly looking at anything either. She
appears to have become a living prisoner inside of the stillness of her own body, and perhaps an unwilling victim of her own nightmares. She never sleeps at night now, but I can often hear her crying and moaning in the dark. I wish I could help her somehow; I wish I knew what to do to ease her suffering, but I am at a loss. She has become lost in a world we cannot reach her in.
Oh Mama. How I miss you and your beautiful smile. How I miss the softness of your hands and the loveliness of your gentle eyes. May God have mercy and ease your suffering soon.
I love you, Mama. I love you forever.
August 15, 1632
Today while I was brushing Mama's hair, something strange happened. As I pulled the brush through, her hair began to twist itself into an intricate braid all on it's own. I stood back and
watched in awe and wonder as her personal powers began to manifest themselves in a way I had never seen before. Once the braid was finished, it wound itself around her head in an elegant crown and secured itself with one of her favorite jeweled combs. All the while this was going on, Mama just sat staring the same as she always has only there was the hint of the tiniest smile at the corner of her mouth. As I walked towards her to touch the magnificent coils of her dark hair, I was confronted by the coldest rush of air I have ever experienced. It brought gooseflesh to my entire body and caused my teeth to chatter wildly inside my head. Then I was surrounded by the unmistakable fragrances of lavender and roses. In my confusion, I heard Mama speak. I was so shocked that I almost did not catch what she had said.
I rushed around in front of her and looked her directly into the face and asked her what she had said. I do not think I really expected her to answer me, but she did.
"Patrice." Was all she said to me. I did not understand what that meant. I did not know that name, and then she was simply staring forward again with that same blank faraway look on her face that she usually wore.
Later, I asked Estephan if he knew the name, Patrice, and he looked at me in total horror and asked me where I had heard that name. I told him what had happened in Mama's room while I had been brushing her hair, and he went very pale. He had to set down, and I felt very worried for him as I watched the odd looks that were passing over his face. I kept asking him if he were all right, but it took him such a long time to answer that I began to wonder if he were not coming down with the same ailment that plagued Mama. At last, he did finally look at me and answer.
"Patrice was the name of Mama's sister who died in the burnings, Alyse." He sounded so tired too me when he spoke that I got him a drink of wine. "She is dead."
I realized as he said that to me that it was not Mama's powers I had been watching braid and coil her hair, but the loving spirit of my own dead Aunt come to be by her side. Mon Dios, what sort of a family have I been borne from? Witches, Warlocks, Ghosts?
What am I?
August 18, 1632
I do not have enough tears to cry nor are there enough words of grief to express the pain that is now living in my heart. Mama is gone. She has left us and joined her beloved sister, my long-lost
Aunt Patrice, in the world beyond this one. We have laid her to rest in the de'Angeles family plot located outside of town on the west hill. Papa buried her next to Grandmother de'Angeles, and we all laid red and white roses on top of the grave while Father Marco spoke the words that were supposed to help her immortal soul find its way back to Heaven and into the arms of God. Somehow, I do not think Mama ever left the arms of God, or the Goddess or whomever it is in Heaven who watches out for the children of the Earth. She was one of the kindest and most loving
souls I have ever known. I miss her. I miss her more with each passing moment, and I do not think I will ever stop. My heart feels dark and empty with her gone. I want her to come back. I want her
to come home again. I miss you Mama. I will miss you forever and always. Please come back and visit me the way Aunt Patrice came to visit you. Please do not abandon me completely. I need you.
I am still trying to understand how this can be true. How can such a young and vibrant woman have spiraled down into the depths of madness and death in such a short period of time, and then leave her family behind to mourn the loss of her love and beauty for the rest of their mortal lives? I am too young to live without a Mother. How can I go through pregnancy and childbirth without Mama? How do I face this hateful unforgiving world in my condition without her by my side? HOW COULD SHE LEAVE ME LIKE THIS?
What am I going to do? How will I get through this by myself? Should I tell Papa about the baby? Should I confide in Estephan? Perhaps I should go to Mama's books and find a spell and a potion that will rid me of this Demons spawn, but how can I? The babe is innocent of any sin. The sin belongs to Lucas. Lucas is to blame for this child's existence outside of the realm of his Churches acceptance and beliefs. I did nothing wrong, nor did the babe, but it will be I who am punished if I am caught like this and unwed. Oh, what should I do? What should I do?
What would happen if I went to the Bishop and begged for mercy? Would they throw me in prison until the baby was born, or would they still murder me as some sort of a criminal? If I tell Papa and Estephan, will that put them in danger the same as myself? Can I talk any of those risks? Where do I turn? Can I pray to a God that allows the Church to do such horrible things to innocent people? Can I pray to a Goddess that would take a Mother from her daughter at such an important time in her life without any care for the possible consequences for the innocents involved? Do any of the Gods really care what happens to their children, or are we merely playthings set aside here for their amusements? Do we matter to anyone in the Universe at all?
I must continue to keep my unborn child a secret until I have figured out a way to keep everyone safe from the judgment of the Church. Somehow, I will find a way.
Short but sweet.
God Bless and Take Care. I will try to have something substantial ready within a week or so.
Thanks to everyone.
Tsuki-san. :)
The Diary of Alyse de'Angles
Leon, Spain
Ashes of The Red Rose
July 31, 1632
I have not seen nor heard from Lucas since that terrible day. Estephan said that Papa had broken off the engagement contract with Senior Margoles' shortly after I told him what had happened by the stream between us. I have to say that I am relieved, but I am also afraid. I wonder what reason Papa used to dissolve the contract, and I am also wondering what Lucas might be wanting to do about it considering what happened? I am sure his Father has been questioning him about our relationship and the nature of our contact ever since he and Father spoke to one another. I wonder what Lucas has been telling him about us? Has he been telling him about how he was trying to educate me into the proper behavior of a good Catholic Wife, or has been telling him how much I was resisting the things the Church had to say about Women? Mon Dios. He could be trying to tie a noose around my neck just to save his. Besides that, I cannot help but be concerned about what Lucas thinks and does considering his view on women and sin in general, and I just cannot get that terrible nightmare I had out of my head about Lucas burning my entire family as heretics while he made me stand and watch.
Would he do something that evil? Would he hurt my family just to get back at me? I wish I knew what he was thinking right now, and I wish I knew what to do. I have to find a way to make certain my family stays safe. I have to keep them safe from Lucas and his horrible Inquisitor's.
I have over heard Papa and Estephan talking several times about 'the questioners', and I think they are afraid too. I do not know if they are afraid for the same reasons I am, but the tone of their voices made me think that they are not so certain of our safety anymore. Papa keeps talking about Mama's sister and wondering what information the 'questioners' made her tell them before they finally murdered her.
I remember the 4 women who were burned that day and how they looked. Each had bloodied fingers where their nails had been ripped out, and two of them had broken and crushed feet from being tortured with 'the boot'. Their clothes were all bloodied and torn, and not one of them had been able to walk alone. What other manner of torture had been inflicted upon their bodies could only be guessed upon, but I am certain it must have been terrible and horrible beyond description. Pain can make anyone say almost anything, at least that is what Estephan said to Papa, but both of them kept saying they prayed Aunt Patrice was stronger than the pain, and that she had not 'given up' anyone to 'the questioners'.
I can only surmise that this means Papa is fearful that Aunt Patrice may have broken down beneath the pain and torture and spoken the names of other member of her family naming them as Witches. If this is true, that could mean our family could be in perilous danger from a source other than Lucas. I pray Papa's fears are unfounded because if they are not, there will be no way to save or protect any of us.
August 7, 1632
This is terrible. It is the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me. I think I am pregnant with Lucas' child. I have not had my moon-blood since that day by the stream when he raped me, and I am starting to get sick early in the mornings. I have been trying to hide what is happening to me by getting up before everyone else, but I do not know how much longer I can keep this up. I think Papa is getting suspicious. I can see it on his face, and the sorrow that is there is
beginning to tear me apart. Damn Lucas Margoles' to Hell! I wish he were dead.
Mama is still ill and has not left her bed since the day we saw the executions in the town square and her sister was burned. Papa sets with her for hours upon hours now while Estephan runs the store for him. I can see the worry and the grief making the wrinkles in his face grow deeper by the day, and my heart is breaking as I watch them slowly dying together. I try to sit with her as often as I can, and I try to talk to her while I help her eat, but she does not respond to me any more than she does to Papa. She just stares straight ahead and says nothing at all to anyone. We are not even certain anymore if she hears us or not, nor if she is even truly looking at anything either. She
appears to have become a living prisoner inside of the stillness of her own body, and perhaps an unwilling victim of her own nightmares. She never sleeps at night now, but I can often hear her crying and moaning in the dark. I wish I could help her somehow; I wish I knew what to do to ease her suffering, but I am at a loss. She has become lost in a world we cannot reach her in.
Oh Mama. How I miss you and your beautiful smile. How I miss the softness of your hands and the loveliness of your gentle eyes. May God have mercy and ease your suffering soon.
I love you, Mama. I love you forever.
August 15, 1632
Today while I was brushing Mama's hair, something strange happened. As I pulled the brush through, her hair began to twist itself into an intricate braid all on it's own. I stood back and
watched in awe and wonder as her personal powers began to manifest themselves in a way I had never seen before. Once the braid was finished, it wound itself around her head in an elegant crown and secured itself with one of her favorite jeweled combs. All the while this was going on, Mama just sat staring the same as she always has only there was the hint of the tiniest smile at the corner of her mouth. As I walked towards her to touch the magnificent coils of her dark hair, I was confronted by the coldest rush of air I have ever experienced. It brought gooseflesh to my entire body and caused my teeth to chatter wildly inside my head. Then I was surrounded by the unmistakable fragrances of lavender and roses. In my confusion, I heard Mama speak. I was so shocked that I almost did not catch what she had said.
I rushed around in front of her and looked her directly into the face and asked her what she had said. I do not think I really expected her to answer me, but she did.
"Patrice." Was all she said to me. I did not understand what that meant. I did not know that name, and then she was simply staring forward again with that same blank faraway look on her face that she usually wore.
Later, I asked Estephan if he knew the name, Patrice, and he looked at me in total horror and asked me where I had heard that name. I told him what had happened in Mama's room while I had been brushing her hair, and he went very pale. He had to set down, and I felt very worried for him as I watched the odd looks that were passing over his face. I kept asking him if he were all right, but it took him such a long time to answer that I began to wonder if he were not coming down with the same ailment that plagued Mama. At last, he did finally look at me and answer.
"Patrice was the name of Mama's sister who died in the burnings, Alyse." He sounded so tired too me when he spoke that I got him a drink of wine. "She is dead."
I realized as he said that to me that it was not Mama's powers I had been watching braid and coil her hair, but the loving spirit of my own dead Aunt come to be by her side. Mon Dios, what sort of a family have I been borne from? Witches, Warlocks, Ghosts?
What am I?
August 18, 1632
I do not have enough tears to cry nor are there enough words of grief to express the pain that is now living in my heart. Mama is gone. She has left us and joined her beloved sister, my long-lost
Aunt Patrice, in the world beyond this one. We have laid her to rest in the de'Angeles family plot located outside of town on the west hill. Papa buried her next to Grandmother de'Angeles, and we all laid red and white roses on top of the grave while Father Marco spoke the words that were supposed to help her immortal soul find its way back to Heaven and into the arms of God. Somehow, I do not think Mama ever left the arms of God, or the Goddess or whomever it is in Heaven who watches out for the children of the Earth. She was one of the kindest and most loving
souls I have ever known. I miss her. I miss her more with each passing moment, and I do not think I will ever stop. My heart feels dark and empty with her gone. I want her to come back. I want her
to come home again. I miss you Mama. I will miss you forever and always. Please come back and visit me the way Aunt Patrice came to visit you. Please do not abandon me completely. I need you.
I am still trying to understand how this can be true. How can such a young and vibrant woman have spiraled down into the depths of madness and death in such a short period of time, and then leave her family behind to mourn the loss of her love and beauty for the rest of their mortal lives? I am too young to live without a Mother. How can I go through pregnancy and childbirth without Mama? How do I face this hateful unforgiving world in my condition without her by my side? HOW COULD SHE LEAVE ME LIKE THIS?
What am I going to do? How will I get through this by myself? Should I tell Papa about the baby? Should I confide in Estephan? Perhaps I should go to Mama's books and find a spell and a potion that will rid me of this Demons spawn, but how can I? The babe is innocent of any sin. The sin belongs to Lucas. Lucas is to blame for this child's existence outside of the realm of his Churches acceptance and beliefs. I did nothing wrong, nor did the babe, but it will be I who am punished if I am caught like this and unwed. Oh, what should I do? What should I do?
What would happen if I went to the Bishop and begged for mercy? Would they throw me in prison until the baby was born, or would they still murder me as some sort of a criminal? If I tell Papa and Estephan, will that put them in danger the same as myself? Can I talk any of those risks? Where do I turn? Can I pray to a God that allows the Church to do such horrible things to innocent people? Can I pray to a Goddess that would take a Mother from her daughter at such an important time in her life without any care for the possible consequences for the innocents involved? Do any of the Gods really care what happens to their children, or are we merely playthings set aside here for their amusements? Do we matter to anyone in the Universe at all?
I must continue to keep my unborn child a secret until I have figured out a way to keep everyone safe from the judgment of the Church. Somehow, I will find a way.
Short but sweet.
God Bless and Take Care. I will try to have something substantial ready within a week or so.
Thanks to everyone.
Tsuki-san. :)