Vulnerability

by Sam I Am the gate fan

While on a mission to find the Spring of Eternity, SG-1 are captured, but little do they know that Apophis has already found a unique way of making his unbeatable enemy, SG-1, vulnerable!

3. Vulnerabiliy Part Three

Vulnerability

By Sam I Am –

Rating: PG-13 (can't honestly be any more than that)

Warnings: Sam/Jack (that's a warning for anyone who don't like that) also Daniel/Janet, but not in great detail. Major Character death (and don't let that put you off it!)

Category: Character death, Sam/Jack Romance, mild Daniel/Janet, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, probably AU fic as it couldn't happen in the series, friendship and a little bit of SG-1 Humour thrown in for good measure. (If there's anything I missed out someone tell me!)

Spoilers: Bits and Bobs from Seasons 1-4!

Time frame: Sometime during Season 4, after 'Divide and Conquer' (I think!)

Summary: While on a mission to find the Spring of Eternity, SG-1 are captured, but little do they know that Apophis has already found a unique way of making his unbeatable enemy, SG-1, vulnerable!

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime / Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission. 'The Scientist' is sung by Coldplay and the lyrics were used without permission (Sorry!) No Copyright intended, it just fits the story... and it's a really cool song! If you want to archive my story TELL ME, or, to borrow a phrase from our beloved Colonel, I am SO gonna kick your ass!

Author's Notes: The first Fan Fic I'm going to archive anywhere! WOO HOO! This has probably taken me the longest out of all my works in progress and the very few I have actually finished. Any feedback would be SO useful. As a young author competing against all the older fanfic writers I'm in need of encouragement, support and, if necessary, constructive criticism! And if you think it's good recommend it! I'd love to hear my stories actually being read instead of sat in an Archive somewhere collecting digital dust!

Dedications: To my Best pal/Editor. You know who you are and you have been such an Angel putting up with my incessant babbling about every story line I've created (if only in my warped imagination) and understanding, even when said story lines altered so many times I can't believe you haven't lost track! Thanks Hon. Also to all you S/J fans and all those writers (there are too many to name you all!) whose masterpieces have been a true blessing to this admirer! Finally, (and this may sound slightly weird) to Freddie Mercury. Though I was barely old enough to string a coherent sentence together when you died, your music has always been my inspiration. Thank you for the music, Freddie!

And so here you are... Vulnerability!

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Part Three

Four years later...

Jack sat in the hospital waiting room. He glanced down at the snoozing three-year-old boy bundled up in his arms. His blonde hair was short and flopped over his head. His little body was curled up with his dirty-grey Teddy Bear, in a tight ball like a hedgehog when it senses danger.

Little did he know, or so Jack hoped. They'd been 'living' in the hospital for over a week and for the past two days the little boy's nightmares had gotten worse. Jack knew why, although he didn't even want to think about the events of that day...

The little boy gave another small kick and his tiny sneaker hit Jack's arm for about the fifth time in five minutes.

Gently, Jack unlaced the sneakers and removed them from his son's feet. He then wrapped his arms back around his little boy. Jack noticed the child was shivering gently in his sleep. Jack immediately removed his jacket and wrapped it around the tiny boy like a blanket. Jack knew he was shaking as well, but he didn't care if he was cold or in shock.

A familiar face came out from the door down the hall. Jack looked up at the woman expectantly. She walked down the corridor and Jack could tell by the way her eyes shimmered more than usual, the way she walked and her tight, sad expression that it was worse.

She came and sat next to him on the chairs and stared down at the toddler. She sighed gently as she murmured, "How's Ryan doing?"

Jack stared down at the child sleeping peacefully, "I don't think he knows what's happening, well, not fully anyway, but he's a smart kid."

Janet just nodded quietly before saying, "Daniel and Cassie are picking Teal'c up and they'll be here as soon as they can."

Jack just nodded slowly before he whispered, "It's bad, isn't it?"

Janet nodded, "Yes."

"What is it?"

Janet sighed, "My guess is after... Tuesday she caught something. It could be anything. We're analysing a blood sample, but by the time we get it..."

Jack held up a hand not wanting to know any more. He fixed Janet with a look that said, 'I don't want to hear that she's going to die. I already know that.' He had known it for months. Since Sam became 5 months pregnant she could barely move. She was OK, still a smiling and laughing ray of sunshine in days of shadow, but she was weak. She still hobbled around the house, using her crutches for the first time in 2 years. She had been weak, but now...

Janet just nodded slightly in answer to his look and then stared down at her hands lying in her lap, as if any conversation they had would all inevitably lead to that one thing that was unspeakable.

They sat in silence for a few minutes as Jack absentmindedly rocked Ryan gently. He began to hum that tune softly. Janet watched them tenderly and feeling the same loss they did. Sam had always sung that to the little boy to get him off to sleep:

Twinkle, Twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are?

Up above the world so high,

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are?

Janet could still hear Sam's voice singing that softly inside her memory as she'd gently rocked her little boy. Janet had watched her silently as the woman had smiled at the tiny, almost bald baby. He'd been a reasonable size considering and was, like any baby, rather on the podgy side. Sam had sung so quietly to her beautiful son that it was barely above a whisper, as she had lied in the hospital bed three years ago.

She could still hear Sam's voice as she said with a tearful smile, "Do you want to hold him? I think now would be the best time, otherwise Jack will come back and hog him all for himself!"

"I think you're in for competition, Sam. He loves Ryan more than you!"

Sam laughed brightly as Janet stepped closer and sat in the chair by Sam's side. The blonde woman gently placed the beautiful baby into her arms. She rocked him gently as she looked up at Sam. The glowing mother leant over slightly and stroked the baby's soft cheek, "Ryan, this is your Aunty Janet."

Janet felt tears in her eyes. Sam took the baby from Janet's arm with so much care and delicacy it was hard to believe that the same hands that lifted the young boy were the ones that had held a MP-5 only a year and a few months previously. The love in the woman's eyes was indescribable as she held her tiny child in her arms...

The images were painful and Janet immediately hid them away in a small space concealed in the back of her memory. Somewhere she would delve only when it was the appropriate time to cry.

Another image popped into her head. One that was still so fresh Janet had to use all her willpower not to cry in front of Jack. That image of the tiny little girl lying on the towels was enough to make Janet close her eyes from the surreal pain she felt.

She wasn't screaming and wailing like normal babies. Sam was already out cold and had taken a turn for the worst and her daughter was lying silent and unmoving. Janet glanced up at Jack sat next to Sam, clutching his wife's hand and staring at the baby, his jaw clenched desolately. She could see by the way he stared at his daughter's tiny, perfect face that he knew that his little girl would never draw breath. She could tell by the way he stared at Sam's pale and sickly face that he knew her days on this Earth were numbered...

Through sheer will alone, Janet banished the memory from her mind. She glanced at her watch and almost gasped. Two days ago at this moment she'd called the time of death of the baby girl. Tuesday 5th March 7:09pm.

She glanced at the man beside her. His face was worn and tired. She knew he hadn't slept since Sam had been admitted to hospital a week ago and maybe not properly for many months before that. She'd been having serious pains and had been brought to hospital. Janet had known then that something was about to go horribly wrong.

She saw him stare down at his little boy who clung to that adorable Teddy he took with him everywhere. Janet could see the pain in Jack's eyes as he gave a tiny smile and gently stroked the little boy's flaxen hair as he murmured, "Still twinkling."

Janet's heart clenched. Sam used to say that... used to? She wasn't even gone and Janet was already referring to her as if she had.

"Still twinkling, my little star?"

Sam always used to say that. She'd didn't get through a day without saying that to her little boy. Janet knew how much the boy meant to her. He and Jack were her everything...

Janet wished upon every star in the galaxy that Sam would get through this, but she knew that chances were every star had been wasted by spoilt children wishing for a pony or a new computer game.

As a door swung at the other end of corridor, Janet glanced up to see Daniel, Teal'c and Cassie come into the waiting room. When they noticed Jack they all stopped dead before continuing to walk towards him cautiously.

Janet stood up to greet her family. Daniel kissed her tenderly and then whispered in her ear, "How's Sam?"

When Janet glanced back up at him, he saw the sorrow in his eyes and knew not to pursue the matter. He immediately glanced down at Jack and felt the anxiety in his heart blazing like a forest fire. The man sat rocking backwards and forwards slowly, clutching his son to his chest. Automatically, Daniel slid his arm around Cassie's shoulders and pulled her into a small one-arm hug comfortingly. Daniel never wanted to know what it was to lose your child. Jack had lost two now...

They walked over cautiously as Jack just glanced up at them and then back at his young son. Daniel didn't miss the misery in his sad eyes as he stared at the stirring child.

Ryan opened his large brown eyes and yawned as he rubbed his eyes with a balled fist, holding his Teddy under the other arm. After a few seconds tears came to the child's eyes, until they were red and he began to cry. He looked up at Jack and then threw his small arms around his Dad, his bear falling to the floor. Jack clung to his son as the little boy began to sob. Jack just rubbed his back and stroked his hair lovingly as the boy began to cry his little sister's name.

"Meggy..."

Jack just whispered, "I know, Ryan. I know."

Megan O'Neill. The name of his baby girl. Sam had chosen it, as it had been her mother's name. Somehow she'd known the child would be a girl. He remembered how excited she had been when she'd found out she was pregnant again... Janet had been almost adamant that Sam would never be able to have children after the 'fountain of youth' incident.

That memory faded as Jack's mind went back to Megan. He could still see that frail, blood-smeared body lying on the towels. She'd been a month premature and was so tiny that if Jack cupped his hand together she would've fitted in his hands. Janet and the nurses had tried to revive her, but Jack had known the moment Megan appeared that she'd never take her first breath. And it had hurt him so badly. A strange surreal pain that couldn't be put into words and could only be described with images. Images that filled his mind and relentlessly refused him sleep or any time to relax from the anguish of his heart and the worry in his mind.

He'd then looked at Sam and then feeling had become so strong that he had given in to a few tears. She was so pale and sickly looking. She'd been unconscious for quite a while and as Jack had stared at her he'd known. She was dying and there was nothing that could be done to prevent it.

At first, he'd had an argument with one of the Doctors as the man had told him that Sam would be dead by the end of the week. Jack prayed every day that it wouldn't be that day. That she wouldn't die. She couldn't die. Their friends needed her. Ryan needed her. He needed her. He couldn't live without her.

He continued to hold his little boy tightly. When the boy pulled back his face was red from crying and tears continued to drip down his chubby cheeks, he realised he had to live without her. This time there would be no miracle resurrection. When she died she would truly be gone. And how he'd manage he had no idea. In fact, his mind was so grounded on the present, on every agony that ripped his heart from its restraints and smashed it, still beating, against cold rock, that Jack couldn't even imagine the future. He didn't want to.

Ryan's nose was running slightly and before Jack even asked Teal'c gave him a tissue, before scooping the worn Teddy from the floor and handing it to the toddler. Jack took the tissue gratefully and murmured, "Blow." The little boy blew his nose as Jack held the tissue.

When Ryan looked up again he looked at Jack in confusion and then looked at the others equally puzzled. He scanned all their faces and then looked back at Jack.

"Daddy," he murmured, "Where's Mommy?"

Janet closed her eyes at the words as Cassie bit her lip and Daniel just gave a small sigh. Teal'c looked down at the floor almost sadly. Jack's usually strong voice faltered slightly as he murmured, "Mommy's not very well at the moment. She's being made better by the Doctors and Nurses."

Ryan just nodded slightly and then stuck his thumb in his mouth, his bear trapped in the crook of his elbow, and leant his head back on his Dad's chest.

Suddenly a beeping came from beside him. Jack glanced up at Janet who blushed and apologised as she glanced at her beeper. She gave a small gasp and then stood up quickly, "She's awake."

Jack was up in a second. He looked at Daniel and said, "Look after Ryan." Daniel just nodded as Jack passed him to Daniel who sat down with the bewildered little boy on his knee. Cassie sat beside him as Jack, Janet and Teal'c sped off in the direction of Sam's room.

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As Sam opened her eyes blearily memories came gushing into her mind as light filled her head. Finally the blur disappeared and Sam glanced around the hospital and felt a sob catch in her throat as she realised.

Megan...

She stared around looking for a cot, but there was none. Panic rose in her throat as the pain returned. Her baby. Her little girl. Where was she? Sam suddenly realised what the pain had been. She realised why Janet's face had been so grave seconds before she lost consciousness. Her little girl was dead...

Sam finally noticed the nurse sat across the room from her. She hurriedly grabbed her beeper and sent a message swiftly, as she stared at Sam in shock. Sam tried to move, but she was so weak she couldn't. She could tell from the heart beat monitor that beeped out her pulse that it was slow. She felt so drained and feeble that it sickened her. Misery consumed her in the silence as she closed her eyes and wished it wasn't true.

Within a minute the door opened and from her totally horizontal position, Sam glanced up at the three people who entered.

Jack immediately ran to her bedside. She tried to say his name, but it came out as a breathless whisper, "Jack, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Jack didn't reply and instead just pulled her into a fierce hug. Sam finally felt hot tears prickling in her eyes, as painful as thorns, as she tried and failed at holding them back. She felt physically drained and so numb that she could already be dead as far as she was concerned. She tried in vain to lift her arms to pull around the man in an equal agony to her, but she was so feeble they barely left the covers before falling back down. The only thing she could feel were those salty and desolate tears that streamed from her eyes as she shuddered from a released whine.

Jack just held her tightly to him as he felt his own pain needing a release, but he refused to cry. He wasn't going to cry in front of the Doc and Teal'c and definitely not Sam. She probably felt like it was all her fault already and didn't need him to burst into tears.

So instead he just whispered to her gently and stroked her back gently as she sobbed out her pain. Between pain-filled cries Jack could hear her murmur again and again, "I'm sorry Jack. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

Jack's voice cracked with unshed tears as he kept replying, "It's not your fault. There's nothing to forgive."

Janet and Teal'c just stood and watched the scene of suffering for a moment before Janet pulled Teal'c out of the room.

They stood outside the door and Janet could still hear Sam's wounded cries. She felt tears of her own rise to her eyes. Why them? Why did that have to happen to them? They were heroes. They'd saved the world a countless number of times. They'd already seen enough pain and death and yet they were still made to suffer. They didn't deserve the misery they were experiencing. No one deserved that.

Teal'c spoke, "Are you in need of a cloth with which to dry the moisture from your eyes?"

Janet just nodded as the Jaffa passed her a tissue. She gave a watery smile and then a shaky sigh, "He doesn't even cry!"

"I believe Colonel O'Neill will not shed tears before his wife to spare her feelings, however in desire of such a release he may be. He is feigning strength for her sake. He is an exceedingly brave man."

Janet just nodded, "He'll probably shed them in private with a bottle of beer, if I know the Colonel." Teal'c just inclined his head in agreement and they waited in silence for Sam to finish weeping.

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Almost 45 minutes later when the sobs from within the room had seemed to die down for long enough to be safe in saying they wouldn't return for a while, Janet decided it was safe to enter. She gave a soft knock on the door and heard a quiet voice from inside, "Come in, Doc."

As she walked in she saw Sam, the red marks beneath her eyes were in stark contrast to her almost translucent skin. She was now slightly propped up by her pillows. Janet realised again how weak and vulnerable she looked as she lay beneath the hospital blankets. She was sat in absolute silence except for the odd sniffle.

Jack was sat beside her in a chair and watched as they entered. Janet noticed something was odd about him and didn't realise what until her eyes met his hands. They were completely still. The only time she'd never seen his hands fidgeting was when he was unconscious, but now his hands were immobile.

Sam broke the silence. Her voice was quiet, as if she didn't even have enough energy to speak, "Where's Ryan?"

Jack answered her, "In the Waiting Room with Daniel and Cassie."

Sam looked up at Teal'c and didn't even have to ask. The Jaffa inclined his head and exited the room. Janet perched on the end of the other bed in the room.

Sam again beat her to speaking, "I know, Janet," Janet looked surprised as Sam whispered, "The moment I woke up and couldn't even move, I knew. You don't need to give me a speech about it." Janet frowned looking confused as Sam fixed her with a fearless look, "I'm going to die."

Jack almost fell out of his seat in shock as she said the words. He grabbed her hand and shook his head, as if denying to himself as much as to her. Sam spoke again before he could speak, "Don't deny it and don't worry. I won't say anything in front of Ryan, but I know."

The absolute agony in the Colonel's eyes was more than visible at his wife's blunt words.

Teal'c returned with Ryan in his arms, "I have retrieved your son from the guardianship of Daniel Jackson."

When the little boy saw Sam he cried, "Mommy!"

A smile came to Sam's lips as Teal'c placed the little boy on her lap. He held her as she just kissed his head and let a few tears fall. With all the strength she could muster, she managed to lift one hand and weakly held her little boy.

The toddler sat snuggled close to Sam as she sniffed, "Jack, could you wipe my eyes please?"

Jack grabbed a tissue from the box on the side and gently wiped Sam's pale cheek. She smiled very slightly as he placed a soft kiss on her cheek and stroked a curl of golden hair from her eyes. He tried to return a smile, but it was equally false.

Ryan stared at her with a huge grin on his lips. He then hugged her again, nuzzling his head into her neck, as Sam felt a soft smile of her own pulling at her cheeks.

"Still twinkling, my little star?" She placed her lips into his soft hair and inhaled the smell of her son. Her baby. She spoke in a whisper, "I love you so much. I love you with all my heart."

"Love you, Mommy," the boy mumbled into her chest.

After minutes of just lying there with her little boy, she looked up at her husband. He sat smiling sadly, his eyes glistening slightly as he stared at them.

She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it didn't work. He just stared at her, agony vivid in his eyes. Sam was about to speak when the phone began ringing.

Janet picked it up and said, "Hello. Dr. Jackson speaking... Right... Send them straight here..."

She put the phone down and looked at Sam, "Jacob and Mark are here."

Sam smiled slightly as she whispered, "I'm glad."

Daniel, Cassie, Jacob and Mark rushed into the room a few seconds later. Sam felt her tears begin to water as she murmured, "Jack take Ryan."

Jack scooped his son into his arms as Jacob rushed to her side kissing her softly as he murmured, "I'm here, Baby. Your Dad's here."

"Dad," Sam said through mounting tears as he clung to her for a second before pulling back and allowing Mark to take his place.

Her brother clung to her equally tightly for a moment before pulling back, everyone witnessing the glistening patches around his eyes as he murmured, "How are you?"

Sam stared at him with large tear filled eyes as she whispered, "I'm not good."

He just nodded shell-shocked, "My girls said 'Hi'."

Sam nodded tearfully, "I didn't want them to have to see me like this."

Jacob crouched by her side holding her hand as he fought back his own tears. He kissed her again and hugged her to his chest as he whispered, "My little girl."

Sam felt herself let out a shaky sigh as she murmured, "I'm sorry, Dad."

"Oh honey! You have nothing to be sorry about!"

She pulled back, "I have lots of things to be sorry about."

Her Dad shook his head with a small smile, "No. No you don't."

He hugged her tightly again as she whispered, "I love you Dad."

After a heart-breaking pause the man let out a soft sob, "I love you too, Sweetheart."

He rocked her slightly in his arms for a few seconds before he pulled back, turning to Jack who stood behind him holding his son's hand. Ryan looked worried and confused, but smiled at Jacob and said with his youthful lisp, "Grandpa!"

The man clasped the child's hand and began to talk to the young boy. As he passed Jack, he sniffed and murmured, "I'll keep him preoccupied for a while."

Jack nodded with gratitude, as he managed to murmur, "Thanks Jacob."

The man smiled slightly and murmured, "How many times, Jack? Just call me Dad."

Jack nodded shell-shocked and turned to stare at his wife as she began to say her goodbyes. Jack felt tears welling and let his breath out in a shuddery sigh. It was then he realised Jacob was still stood beside him staring at him. He looked at Jacob in slight confusion as if he was asking why the man's anxious gaze was directed at him.

The nurse sat by the wall spoke, "Would you like me to take him to the Children's area?"

Jacob nodded gently, "Thanks. I'll be there in a minute."

Jack pulled the back of his hand across his tired eyes as he said, "Jacob?"

The man stared at him, his eyes still watery. He sniffed again and opened his arms as he hugged Jack. Jacob patted him on the back gently and murmured, his voice thick and cracking with emotion, "Everything's going to be OK, Jack. I promise."

Jack just nodded as he held the man back, fighting unwanted tears, "I hope so."

Jacob pulled back and wiped his eyes as he said with a small smile, "You heard me. I promised. Carters never break promises."

Jack nodded and glanced back at the woman who was now being hugged by a sobbing Cassie as she herself wept softly. He spoke hoarsely, his voice seeming to disappear from his throat, "Thanks J... Dad."

The man gave him a comforting smile as he murmured, "No problem. Remember if you need anything I'll be there. OK, I won't be able to pick him up from school..." Jack snorted slightly at his father-in-law's humour. Jacob smiled as he left after his Grandson, "And I may not always be around, but remember I will always there for you."

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After what felt like hours of people crying as Sam told them how much she loved them, everyone finally left for the night all promising they'd be back to see her tomorrow. Jack had given Jacob and Mark the keys to their house so they could go and sleep there, but both had said they'd rather sleep in the waiting room. Just in case.

Those three simple words sickened Jack awfully. Just in case she wasn't there tomorrow. He shivered visibly at the thought and sighed as he glanced down at Ryan.

He now sat with his son asleep in his arms in the chair beside Sam's bed. She stared at their son with so much care in her ashen features, that it made Jack wish it was him who was about to die rather than her. He wished it every day.

Her beautiful blue eyes began to fill with tears, her lip trembling as she attempted to control the shuddering whine that left her throat as she stared at her son. She gulped down air, but even that couldn't control the equally painful sob that left her throat.

"What's wrong?" Jack murmured anxiously.

"I'm scared, Jack," her voice was a whisper and Jack could see the raw fear in her watering, azure eyes, "I'm so frightened."

Jack reached out a hand and gently stroked her face as he felt his heart being squeezed in a tight fist. He spoke lovingly, "I'm here. Don't be afraid."

"I haven't got long..." she whispered and then stared at him with such intensity Jack felt his heart stopping. He knew what she meant and he hated it.

"Now you listen to me," he said seriously, "No morbid thoughts, OK?"

Sam gave a small laugh and then whispered, "OK."

He stood up slowly and placed his son on the empty bed across the room. He tucked the small boy under the blankets and returned to her side. He perched on the edge of her bed next to the woman propped up by snowy white pillows. Tears graced her pale cheeks as she murmured, "I'm not even going to see his 4th Birthday."

"Oh Sam," he whispered, holding her tightly to him. She was surprised to feel him shaking. Sam felt guilt again which made her tears fall harder. The guy had now lost one son, one daughter and was about to lose his second wife.

Sam realised suddenly that this was the first time since she'd been a small child that she'd been frightened off death. Samantha O'Neill could be trapped on a ship with only an hour of oxygen left and wouldn't be afraid of dying. Samantha O'Neill could step into a trap and have twenty or so staffs aimed at her and wouldn't be afraid of dying. Samantha O'Neill could be fighting in a battle where her side were losing badly and wouldn't be afraid of dying.

But sat in this hospital bed and knowing this was the end of her life, Samantha O'Neill was terrified.

She pulled back and murmured, "Thank you for always being there."

"No problem," he murmured as he leant forward and began to kiss her ardently. She pressed her lips against his as she tasted the salt from her continuous tears. She pulled back after a second as he placed his slightly scratchy cheek against her moist one and hugged her to him. She buried her face in his neck as she continued to cry silently.

They sat there for hours. Sam knew it had been at least longer than an hour because she'd almost fell asleep in his arms. She would've been happy to. She didn't want to move from him. His warm, strong body a shield from everything else that tried to harm her. Nothing else mattered and Sam remembered back to when this had all begun. In that prison cell, sat on her bunk. The first time they had kissed and the first time, she realised now after regaining her memory, that she'd allowed herself to acknowledge how much he meant to her.

She would die for him.

In the grand scheme of things she guessed she was. She was sure Jack had come to that conclusion. There had been countless times she had been awake in bed, unable to sleep due to her own demons, and had overheard his nightmares of that moment when she'd thrown herself in the way of that ribbon device. That was why she'd had the coma. That was why her nervous system had become so weak it wasn't able to sustain her any longer. That was why every second of her life was now counting down.

She pulled back slightly so she stared into his face. His beautiful brown eyes opened slowly, showing he'd been almost as willing just to stay there forever. Once his eyes focussed on her peaked face, they filled with such agony she felt herself take a soft gasp. He knew he couldn't save her and it was destroying him.

He spoke, his voice no longer it's strong self, "Why? If it wasn't for me... you wouldn't be going through this. Why, Sam? Why did you do it?"

Her lips were trembling again as she pressed them against his and whispered, "You know why."

She continued to kiss him tenderly not wanting this to end. Not wanting to die. She could've stayed like that until the end of time, and she would've if she'd had the choice, but she didn't.

He pulled back and she smiled gently through her tears. He leant over and snagged the box of tissues in his hand and began to dry her cheeks. She yawned slightly and he smiled a look of fondness and adoration on his worn and tired face. A feeling Sam had only begun to feel herself when she had first met him. He held her up, close to his body with one hand as he laid the pillows flat with the other. He gently lowered her head back down to the soft cushion as he had done almost every night for five months. Sam felt so safe and loved that she realised that for the past few years she'd been concentrating on everything she'd lost, when really what she'd gained was worth dying for. It always had been.

Jack tucked her in gently as he placed a feathery kiss on her forehead. Memories entered her head at the gesture. When she'd been a little girl her father or mother had always done this saying that the monsters that she used to think lived under her bed were terrified of love and as long as they were around the monsters would be wetting themselves!

He kept his face close to her as he kissed her softly on the cheek and whispered, "You look tired, Hon. Get some sleep."

She nodded as his face lingered near hers for a moment before he sighed quietly and stood up straight again. He walked across the room and picked up their son, who even when sleeping had a grip like iron on Teddy, and carried the sleeping child in his arms back to her bedside. He sat down in the chair and began to absentmindedly stroke the boy's incredibly soft hair with his finger tips.

He looked up at her again and smiled softly, "I said get some sleep. Do I need to make it an order?"

She felt a smile of her own, her eyelids sliding shut as she drifted off to a nightmare free sleep for the first time in months.

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Ryan woke in the early hours of the morning. He glanced up at his Dad who was sleeping. He wriggled out of the man's arms and looked up at his Mom's bed. He threw Teddy onto the bed and then attempted to climb it, but couldn't get his small leg high enough.

A soft whisper came from above him and Ryan stared up into his Mom's eyes, "What are you doing, you little monster?"

She grinned at him tiredly as he whispered in a youthful lisp, "Shh. Daddy's 'sleep."

Ryan jumped up and clung to the blankets before slipping off again. He was determined to get up there. He tried again, finally managing to haul himself up onto the hospital bed. He grabbed Teddy and crawled over to his mother. He wriggled beneath the covers next to her, her arm slowly encircling his tiny body with its weak hold. He laid his head on her shoulder and pulled himself as close as he could get to his mother's warm body. She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead as he looked up his mother's beautiful face. She smiled slightly as the boy gave her a small kiss on the lips, before snuggling back into the warmth of the blanket cocoon. He pulled closer to her and felt his eyelids drooping tiredly, a yawn escaping his mouth.

His mother's lips rested on his hair and she began to sing, as quiet as a breeze, her voice soft and comforting. Ryan snuggled closer to her as the whispered words lulled him to sleep.

"Twinkle, Twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are?

Up above the world so high,

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are...?"

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Jack woke up with a start. He'd fallen asleep in the chair in Sam's room, with Ryan in his arms. He glanced at his lap and when he saw his son was missing he looked up in shock. His eyes fell on Ryan asleep in Sam's bed beside her. They were both sound asleep, their golden hair glinting in the daylight that now began to fill the room.

Jack strode to the window and glanced out into the beautiful March dawn. The sun had only just begun to rise over the Colorado rooftops and emanating a glorious pale light. Spring had arrived at last and the trees outside in the Hospital Park were in full blossom. It was going to be a beautiful day...

Suddenly intuition kicked in and Jack almost threw up from the strong, gut-feeling that surged through him. He spun around his eyes falling on the stunning woman lying beneath the blankets. Dread hit his heart as fear took over him, making his body seize with shock. Her chest wasn't moving!

"Sam!" He called her name and realised what was happening. The moment he had dreaded from the first time he had realised he loved her, back in Antarctica, had arrived. His brain finally kicked into action and he began to move of his own accord. He hurriedly rung the alarm, as Janet and two nurses sped into the room followed by everyone else as Jack burbled shocked as he was nearly shoved out of the way, "I woke up. Sh-She's not breathing!"

Ryan stirred and stared around confused as the nurses ripped him from his mother's side. He began to cry frightened, "Mommy? Mommy!" Teal'c lifted him up into his strong arms and held the boy to him gently as he stroked the boy's back and murmured, "It is alright, Ryan O'Neill. You are safe."

Teal'c watched as Janet desperately tried the paddles, but it didn't work. The woman began to cry as she shouted, "Sam! Oh please! Not now! Sam? Sam!"

Teal'c knew then that his dear friend was dead. He clenched his jaw feeling a surreal pain that Teal'c had rarely felt in his whole life. He watched feeling unusually helpless as the Doctor's sobbing became so hard she couldn't control herself any longer. She was shaking violently as Daniel pulled her away and they both fell to the floor crying. He just enclosed his wife in his arms as she continued to cry, with trembling gasps of absolute disbelief. The weeping man beckoned for their daughter to come to him. The young woman also dropped to the floor beside them as they all clung to each other expressing their grief.

Teal'c continued to rub Ryan O'Neill's back and sway slightly trying to rock the small boy. He had noticed that this was what the Tau'ri did when their children were upset like the young male who continued to cry forlornly into his shoulder.

"Shh," Teal'c hushed the boy, as dear to him as his own son, in an attempt to comfort the now motherless child. He looked up from the boy in his arms to Jacob Carter and his descendant. The older man was crying hard and trying to reach for his daughter who was now having her time of death called. Mark Carter just grabbed his father's flailing arms and pulled him into a tight embrace as both the sobbing men held each other tightly.

It was then Teal'c's eyes moved to the lonely figure stood motionless before him. His dearest companion, unlike everyone else in the room, was not crying. Instead he just stood staring at Samantha O'Neill's lifeless body in silence, his eyes unblinking, his body completely stationary as if all the spirit had been drained from him and had left nothing but an inert body.

Teal'c felt not only concern for the man, but extreme fear. Teal'c knew he dreaded almost nothing, but he could not mistake the bitter taste of anxiety that suddenly seemed to remove all moisture from his mouth, making his tongue stick to its ceiling, as if he was dehydrated.

Teal'c cautiously stepped towards the man and spoke, trying to keep his voice from wavering, "O'Neill?"

The man didn't even look at him as he whispered brokenly, shock so thick in his voice, it seemed to be nothing but a hollow echo of the man Teal'c had known for many years.

"I didn't say goodbye."

His words of complete desolation affected Teal'c in such a way that the Jaffa finally allowed his tears to fall, as he clung to O'Neill's son tightly, watching yet another one of his closest friends fall away from him into oblivion.

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Jack managed to stumble down the corridors in a stunned trance, his feet just walking, his mind in no way communicating information with them. After hours of crying, Ryan had finally dozed off to a restless sleep. He'd left his sleeping son with Teal'c as Daniel was already swamped down with his weeping family and Mark and Jacob were also... preoccupied.

Jacob and Mark were devastated and that was an understatement. Jacob slightly more than Mark. The last Jack had seen him he'd still been sat there clasping Sam's lifeless hand. He'd then stood up shakily and whispered, 'I have to be alone for a little while.' Mark had begun arguing with the man accusing him of not caring and a fierce, tearful argument had ensued.

Jack had left then, also needing to be alone. Tired of watching everyone shed buckets of tears when he himself was unable to do so.

It hurt like hell. That feeling Jack couldn't identify. All he wanted to do was collapse in the middle of this corridor and weep until he couldn't let another tear drip to the shiny, smooth floor. But it seemed it was the only thing he couldn't do and instead he had to endure the pain, pretend to be strong, when really it felt as if he couldn't breathe. Like a fish out of water. It felt as if every time his lungs inflated the blade of reality that was wedged so deeply into his heart pushed in even harder unleashing an even greater agony.

He really should've been the one still clinging onto Sam's cold fingers as if waiting for her to open her vivacious eyes, laugh and tell them all it had been an elaborate, but early April Fools prank concocted by her and the devious Doctor Janet Jackson.

That was nothing more than a fantasy. There was nothing he wanted more in the entire world. Only sarcophagi could bring back the dead. Janet had ruled out that possibility long ago, for some complicated reason, Jack couldn't possibly grasp, although he had tried with all his might to understand the words that had issued from Janet's mouth. Sam's body had been damaged too much for it to be effective, as with that Tok'ra healing device. That had been Jack's only hope of having Sam back to normal long ago and when the Tok'ra finally managed to get their hands on a sarcophagus she had been the first user. Nothing had happened...

Jack looked around the room he'd just stepped into and knew where he was. One of the nurses walked forward and spoke gently, "Can I have your name?"

He murmured, his voice husky and dry, "Jonathon O'Neill."

The woman spoke again softly, "Who are you here to see?"

"Megan O'Neill. Baby girl."

The nurse nodded sympathetically and murmured, "Follow me."

Jack just followed his thought fixed on his daughter. His mind was reeling with images of death. Every death he'd ever witnessed dancing in his head, tormenting and haunting him.

"Mr. O'Neill?"

The man looked up at the nurse, who had obviously said his name more than once as she was now fixing him with a nauseating look of pity. He looked away from the expression hating it. His eyes fell onto the outline of a tiny baby lying beneath the sheet on the miniature bed.

"Thank you," he murmured.

The middle aged woman tried to smile comfortingly, "I'll leave you alone."

She turned and passed him a chair, which he sat down on as the woman left the small room, silently closing the door behind her.

Hesitantly, he lifted the corners of the green cloth and uncovered the girl's head. She was beautiful. He'd only seen her for what seemed like split seconds and at the time she'd been covered in blood. Now she was clean, but pale and lifeless.

Her tiny face was perfect and the few fair hairs on her head glinted gently in the light. Jack knew he was in love with his daughter in an instant, even though he'd never experience being her father. Teaching her how to walk and talk, reading her bedtime stories, playing with her, tucking her in at night, helping her with her homework, threatening any of the boys that tried to go out with her...

He reached out a finger and gently touched the icy, soft skin. Before he knew what he was saying he found himself clasping his hands in front of him and praying.

"Let her live. Please, let her live."

He knew the words were empty as there was no way this baby girl could be brought back from the dead after so long.

He scrapped a shaking hand over his unshaved, wrinkled and battle scarred face. He could feel his unshed tears mounting in his tired eyes. He rubbed them hard before letting out a broken sigh, "God, what did I do to deserve this?"

"Jack?"

He looked up in shock to see Daniel stood in the doorway hesitantly. Jack pulled the back of his hand over his eyes as the man said extremely apologetically, "I'm sorry if I startled you."

"No," Jack sniffed and hurriedly wiped his eyes again, "No, Daniel. It's alright."

Daniel spoke gently, "I didn't mean to intrude, but Ryan's just woken up and he wants you..."

Jack stood up swiftly and wiped away the moisture that seemed to have accumulated in his eyes again, "Sure. I just need a second." He inhaled deeply and then closed his eyes for a minute before he murmured, "OK. I'm coming."

As Jack was about to follow Daniel from the room there was a flash of bright, white light and before them stood a short grey alien. He stared at Jack with his large black eyes, "O'Neill."

"Thor? What are you... what are you doing here?" Jack managed to ask.

He spoke again in his almost robotic sounding voice, "You asked for help and we heard."

Jack looked at Daniel in confusion and the man looked straight back at him in equal perplexity. Jack looked back at the small man and crouched in front of him, "Thor Buddy, what are you talking about?"

Thor's hand rose and he pointed with a spindly grey finger at the still uncovered face of the baby girl, "You wished that your daughter could live. I have come to help you."

Daniel spoke mystified, "You mean... you can..."

"There is a way," Thor said. He turned back to Jack, "O'Neill, would you allow me to attempt it?"

Jack stood flabbergasted. He couldn't speak couldn't think. His mind that had once been filled with circling images was now empty.

Sam often made jokes about his vacant head, although she mainly told him he was intelligent, but saw things at there simplest. Now his head really did feel vacant as if he was no longer inside his head. As if his thoughts, soul, memories, everything had floated away and all that was left was his unmoving body.

He glanced at the baby as after what felt like empty hours he managed to croak hoarsely, "She could be alive and well?"

Thor nodded slightly, "It is possible."

Daniel spoke again slightly excited, "How?"

Thor turned to the Doctor, "The child is very young and it is extremely easy for the device I have brought with me to revive her..." The Asguard paused fixing Jack with a stare, "I must tell you that the Asguard have our own motivations for reviving you child, O'Neill, and that these motives will definitely come to rise in her future."

"What motives?" Jack whispered still staring at his daughter.

"I cannot say. She is special, O'Neill and the Asguard have a special interest in her well-being," Thor spoke gently, "Though I must ask your consent before attempting the procedure as it is not certain whether it will be a success."

Jack glanced at him as his lips managed to form the words, "Do it."

The alien just nodded slightly as there was another flash of light and a small green stone, covered in Viking runes appeared in his small grey hand.

He pattered over to Megan's side, but was slightly too short to look over the baby. He spoke, "O'Neill, move the chair so I may stand on it."

Jack hurriedly moved the chair into position. The Asguard stepped up onto the seat and stared over the small girl.

He held the device above the child's head. It began to emit a pale green light that slowly got brighter. Thor unclasped his long grey fingers from around the device as it floated above the child.

He spoke, "Now we shall see if she wants to live..."

Daniel asked another question as he stared at the device in wonder, "What?"

"The device will only work when the subject wishes to live."

Daniel spoke again, "It raids the subconscious?"

"Yes. As a young child, O'Neill's daughter will most probably wish to live. If she does it will begin the healing process."

"Why?" Daniel asked curiously, "Why doesn't it just heal her straight away?"

Thor turned to the man, "So there is no way it can be used as a way of torture. Killing someone and then bringing them back to life so the process may begin again."

Jack listened to the conversation although his eyes remained fixed on the baby. It was then that the baby's chest rose and the girl gave a choke.

The devices lights almost completely disappeared as Thor clasped it again in his hand. After a moment the girl began to scream and wail.

Jack couldn't speak and just stared at the girl. He was shivering violently as he whispered, "Megan..." Behind him he heard Daniel swearing in every language her knew.

It was then Janet rushed in, "Daniel! Jacob and Mark are fighting again! I need your hel... Oh my God!"

She noticed Thor and the wailing baby and almost fainted. Daniel caught her as the woman's eyes remained fixed on the small grey alien.

He spoke to the doctor gently, "Would you please examine O'Neill's daughter."

"S-she's alive!" Janet stammered as Thor nodded ever so slightly.

The woman stood up shakily assuring her husband she was alright. She ran over to the baby and felt her cheeks and her pulse although the fact the baby was balling her head off was enough to tell she was alive.

The woman spoke, "How?"

"I shall explain later, but I believe O'Neill wishes to hold his child."

It was only when Thor said those words did Jack realise his baby was alive. She continued to scream and cry loudly, as Janet with shocked tears in her eyes lifted the baby from the bed.

She spoke, "Supreme Commander Thor, I think you should hide or disappear for a moment. I have to call the nurses for blankets..."

Thor interrupted her, "I understand. Goodbye O'Neill."

With that he disappeared in a flash of light. Within a split second Janet was sobbing and calling through the intercom for nurses to come immediately.

When the nurses arrived with blankets and things Jack heard many of the nurses saying, 'It's a miracle' or 'it's impossible'. Jack didn't think he could speak all he could do was watch as they wrapped the tiny baby in blankets.

Janet stepped towards him holding the screaming baby and said with a sad tearful smile, "Jack, this is your beautiful baby girl."

Jack couldn't stop gawping at the baby which continued to scream for all she was worth. Janet spoke softly, "Hold out your arms."

After a moment of slow blinking, Jack did as he was bid and Janet carefully laid the baby into his arms. The comforting weight of the child in his arms seemed to bring him back to the real world. He looked down at the baby. Her wailing seemed to cease as the tiny baby stared up at him, with an expression on her tiny face which made her look puzzled.

He felt a chuckle escape his lips as tears filled his eyes again. He held the baby to him tighter as he whispered, "Hey there." The baby's puzzled look was still definitely evident as Jack murmured, "Now I know what she got from me."

He felt a supporting hand on his shoulder and turned to see Daniel was smiling though his smile was tired, "Congratulations Jack."

Jack still felt the absolute sadness in his heart and turned back to his daughter. The tiny baby whose eyes were now shut again gave a small yawn which made all the women in the room 'ahh' simultaneously.

Janet spoke softly, "She's quite premature, but I think she'll be fine." She stared at Jack as a tear made it past her eyelashes, "I think there are a few people who would like to see her now."

Jack just nodded gently, as the numbing feeling of shock returned. Sam was no longer alive and had missed all chance of seeing their daughter.

He stared back down at the child Thor had called 'special'. What Thor had meant by the words he had no idea, but Jack knew why the amazing tiny baby was special to him. Her tiny chubby fingers were curled around the edge of the blanket as she yawned again, obviously in need of a good long nap.

"Yes," he managed to murmur after a second, realising he hadn't answered the Doctor who was fixing him with her anxious frown until he spoke, "Ryan will want to meet his new little sister."

Daniel spoke again realising his friend was unusually close to tears, "And Jacob and Mark will want to see her, not to mention Cassie and Teal'c."

Jack nodded again in reply, his eyes still fixed on the little person lying in his arms. His... little girl. He held her tightly. His little girl! He stroked the soft blond hairs on her head. She was his little girl and he was never going to let her forget it.

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As the sun shone through cracks in the clouds and the gentle breeze shook the tree branches, covered in spring blossom, Jack glanced at the older man beside him as they thanked the people that now left the church. He gave Jack a comforting smile and patted him on the shoulder gently.

Jacob was crying silently as he held his grandson's hand tightly. Jack watched the small boy as he sniffed and tugged on his grandpa's sleeve gently. The man looked at him and then lifted the boy into his arms and hugged him tightly to him, eyes squeezed shut. If anyone could possibly be worst affected than himself it was Jacob. Now all the man had left was Mark and they weren't exactly the best of friends. Actually that wasn't true. Jacob had him and the kids. As far as Jack was concerned, Jacob and Hammond were the fathers he'd never had. His real Dad hadn't spoken to him since he'd left home at sixteen.

Jack lowered his eyes to the tiny baby in his arms, praying to God that he wouldn't be a bad father. The beautiful girl slept soundly in the warmth of the blankets. He looked up again as his eyes fixed on another couple of Sam's friends from the Pentagon who gave him their condolences and farewells.

His eyes lowered to the baby that let out a small whine. He hushed her slightly until she stopped as he noticed in the corner of his eye yet more figures clad in black exiting the church. Megan quietened down again and stared up with her baby blue eyes in that vacant expression babies sometimes have, staring off into space.

He felt a gentle touch on his arm and glanced at Janet who stood at his other side with Cassie and Daniel. Daniel smiled slightly as he said awkwardly, "It was a beautiful service."

"Yeah," Jack managed to reply as Cassie stepped forward and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"If you need a babysitter, I have nothing better to do at home," Cassie said with a smile as she wiped her eyes again. She gave a small laugh, "Only homework and chores..."

Jack smiled, "Thanks Cass."

The young girl he'd once known was now a blossoming young woman, but to Jack it seemed she hadn't changed at all in all those years. Still the same young girl who's been the only one to talk Sam from her depressive pit after the Jolinar incident.

Cassie smiled and murmured, "I'll go put Ryan in the car."

The little boy waddled forward and took her outstretched hand as he waved and murmured, "Bye Grandpa."

"I'll see you soon," Jacob murmured back to little boy.

"Bye Daddy."

Jack's eyes met his son's as he smiled, "Bye Kiddo."

Cassie began to walk down the path towards the car park, Ryan toddling beside her, as Daniel murmured, "I better go too." He smiled at Jack as he stepped forward and passed the dozing baby into Daniel's arms.

The man looked down lovingly at the baby and Jack knew how much all their friends loved the girl. Daniel's eyes rose to his as he murmured, "I'll see you soon. Maybe we could go watch a hockey match sometime."

"That'd be great, Daniel," Jack murmured as the man gave him a final comforting smile and then began to walk down the path after Cassandra.

Jack turned to Janet who still stood by his side. She spoke thickly, as she seemed to have just managed to douse her tears, "Me and Daniel have the cot and everything at ours. You can phone us whenever you want to pick them up. Tomorrow, the day after... whenever. We don't mind."

Jack didn't smile, but murmured, "Thanks Janet."

The woman began to cry again softly and murmured, "Come here."

She pulled him into a hug for a second and then pulled back slightly staring after her husband as she murmured, "She's a beautiful little girl, Colonel. "

He nodded gently, "Yes. Yes she is. And it's not Colonel anymore. I retired, remember?"

"Habit," Janet nodded as she murmured, "Did you hear about Kinsey?"

"I won't get a moment's peace for the rest of my life if he even utters a word," Jack sighed and glanced at his children as Daniel and Cassie seated them in Daniel's car, "The kids would be mobbed every time they went to school."

Janet nodded gently and then murmured, "We'll find a way to stop that from happening, Jack." She turned away and gave him a small wave as she murmured, "Call us when you want to collect the kids."

"Will do," Jack replied as the woman walked away. She climbed into the passenger seat of the car as the engine started and the car drove away, disappearing from view as it turned a corner.

Jack stared after it in silence as his father in law spoke, "Uh... Jack?"

Jack turned to the man as his eyes rose to the woman dressed in black that now stood in the church doorway. She gave him a small smile as she murmured, "I was late. I just slipped in."

Jack nodded understandingly as he murmured, "I'm glad you could make it."

She nodded herself as she murmured, "I'm sorry."

"I've survived this once, Sara. I'll do it again."

His ex-wife stared at him with care in her blue eyes as she nodded sadly and gave him a peck on the cheek as she murmured, "If you need anything, just call, OK?"

"Sure. Bye Sara."

She replied with a comforting smile as she walked away and her position was filled by three more people who'd been talking to Jacob.

"O'Neill, I wish to express my sincere apologies and hope that if you have any difficulties you will contact me immediately."

Jack felt a smile on his face as the Jaffa embraced him in a manly hug, "Thanks, T. You're a good friend."

The man pulled back as his mentor stepped forward, "Colonel O'Neill. Your wife's death is a significant loss and I wish you to know that she will not be forgotten by Jaffa for her contributions in our struggle against Goa'uld oppression."

"She'd be honoured, Bray'tac."

The old Jaffa warrior, dressed in some appalling Tau'ri clothes, nodded as he placed his clenched fist above his heart in Jaffa salute as he said, "Tek Mah Tay."

Jack nodded, "Back at ya, Bray'tac."

The elderly man laughed, "Back at you as well, my old friend."

Teal'c stood with Bray'tac as the last guest stepped forward, "How are coping, Son?"

"Day by Day, Sir. Day by Day."

General Hammond nodded, "I understand, Colonel. When I lost Rachel... I thought life was over," the man smiled, "But I'm still here today and I have no intention on budging."

Jack smiled at the man, "I mean no offence when I say, you always were a goddamn stubborn son-of a bitch, George."

The man laughed again, "So were you if my memory serves me correctly." The man's smile faded as he nodded solemnly, "You have my best, Jack."

With that the last of the mourners left the church, leaving Jack and Jacob stood alone in the spring sunshine. Jack sighed as the gentle breeze blew through his hair. Sam would've loved today. She loved days like these. He remembered the look of complete joy in her eyes when she woke and spring sunshine was pouring through the window. He face would light up with complete contentment and wonder as she looked out at the blue sky, fluffy white clouds floating lazily along.

He smiled, his eyes still shut as he remembered the way she used to go around the house humming, sometimes singing 'Zip-a-dee-doo-dah' to herself, completely unaware of what a wonderful person she was and of how much he loved her...

Jack looked over at Sam's father relieved to see he was no longer crying else Jack was sure he may have broken down again himself. The older man laid a hand on his shoulder and led him down the path as he murmured, "If you want I could stay the night at your place..."

"Don't worry, Jake," Jack replied, "I'll be fine."

The man nodded although it was slightly uncertain, "Alright then. Can you drop me off at the SGC?"

Jack nodded as they stepped towards Sam's car and Jack opened the door, "Of course."

He started the engine, as he looked at the man, "When are you next going to visit?"

"I'm not sure," the man sighed, "You know what the Tok'ra are like. I'll try my hardest to be here for Ryan's birthday though I'm not making any promises."

Jack nodded and began to drive away from the Cemetery feeling as if part of him was still there and he had just left it behind. A part of him he could never replace and that when gone made him feel empty.

He missed her so much. He didn't know how he was going to survive without her and that was a worrying thought. Everyone worried about him. Truth was even he was worried about himself! As much as it felt like the world was ending, he couldn't leave. He couldn't leave his children to be orphans like he wished he could at this very moment.

After half an hour of driving in silence, Jack pulled into the SGC. He moved past all of the security and parked in a parking space as Jacob opened his door. He looked back at Jack as he whispered, "Take care of yourself and don't do anything stupid!"

Jack forced a smile although both of them knew it was fake, "You know me, Jacob. Since when would I do anything stupid?"

Jacob smiled sadly at the comment and murmured, "Just don't, OK?"

Jack nodded as the man closed the passenger door as Jack pulled out. Jacob gave him a small wave before he began to drive home.

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As Jack sat in his living room drinking he stared at the photo on his lap. Ryan's third birthday. It had been about two months or so later that Sam had become pregnant with Megan.

They were a whole pack of pictures, but this was the best. Ryan was laughing as he sat in Sam's arms. She looked so beautiful. She always had in his mind, even when she'd been in that bad way, but in this picture she looked more beautiful than he'd ever seen her. Maybe it was because of that big wide smile on her face. A smile that had become a rarity in those dark months before Megan's birth.

Jack took another swig of the strongest alcohol he could find in the house and stood up and put one of Sam's CDs in the stereo.

He collapsed back on the couch as one song began:

Come up to meet you,

Tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,

Tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart.

The words struck home with Jack and he felt his heart aching at the words. He was sorry. Sorry it wasn't him who was six feet under instead of her. His lovely wife. Sam had never known how lovely she was. Even when he'd told her she never believed it. Also, he needed her. Almost more than life itself and if it wasn't for Ryan and Megan, Jack guessed he would of given up his life. Finally, he had set her apart. He'd set her apart from the beginning.

Tell me your secrets

And ask me you questions.

Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,

Coming up tails,

Heads on the science apart.

What Jack wouldn't give to go back to the start. To go back to that mission. To have said to Daniel it was a whole load of rubbish and there was no magic medicine that could make you live forever. If there was Jack would've done anything to get it for Sam. They wouldn't go on the mission and Sam would probably still be alive. Ok, so they wouldn't be together, but Jack wouldn't care as long as in the morning he still heard her beautiful voice and saw her beautiful smile as she said, 'Morning Colonel.'

Nobody said it was easy,

It's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

No one ever said it would be this hard. When Jack had been a kid no one had said that life would be this hard. And there it was again. What he wouldn't give to go back to the start right about now. He may never have had Ryan, but maybe they'd both still be alive. Maybe if Sam had still been in the war with the Goa'uld it would've been over by now and they would be living together again and getting married.

I was just guessing

At numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science

Science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh, what a rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,

Chasin' our tails

Coming back as we are.

He wished he could still hear her voice telling him she loved him. Now it was just a painful memory that haunted him. His mind was running in circles, trying to find out the exact point between realities. One, where Sam died, and another, where she didn't.

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy.

No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm going back to the start.

The song finished and Jack took another long swig of the alcohol. He glanced at the CD case. The track was entitled 'The Scientist'. She was the woman he loved more than anyone and she'd been a scientist, the type of person Jack hated most, except for politicians.

He now felt extremely empty, even though in reality he was anything but empty. He was full to the brim of pain and suffering.

He finished the rest of the bottle and got out the next bottle with the second highest amount of alcohol. He finally began to feel it dulling his emotions and numbing his pain, though now he just felt depressed.

'Alcohol has that affect. It's a depressant, you dumb ass!'

Jack put his head in his hands and slipped off the couch so his back was leant against it. He gave a shaky sigh and looked up. Every thing reminded him of her. Every damn thing! Something she'd said, something she'd done or just some memory connected with her.

His eyes fell on a wine stain on the carpet beside him. It was usually hidden by the couch, but as Jack had fallen to the floor the couch had moved and the dark stain was now visible.

He remembered how it got there so well. Before Ryan had been conceived and they'd been living in his house for a while. Sam had been practising with her crutches and tipped over a glass of red wine. Jack closed his eyes as the vivid memories ran through his head...

'Oh God! I'm sorry.'

'No problem. It's just a stain. It's quite easy to get rid of.'

'Really? How?'

'Well, you push the couch over it... like so!'

Sam laughed merrily and then said, 'I'll have to remember that.'

Jack shook his head banishing her laugh's echo from his mind. Her laugh caused him incredible pain that swept over him. Her beautiful laugh that was so happy and pure. It was now a laugh he would only hear when watching a video of them together or when thinking about her. So, naturally, the merry laugh was in his head literally all the time.

He sighed gently and he pushed himself up off the floor, pulling the couch back into place. He walked slowly around his house. Janet and Daniel had come round and packed most of Sam's stuff away in boxes which now lay in the attic. Of course there was still tons of her stuff everywhere.

He walked upstairs. He stared into their bedroom. He really had to get rid of that double bed. There just wasn't enough room in the house for it. He'd moved Megan's cot into the room and it now stood near the bed, the mobile revolving slowly, the gold and silver stars spinning around as the occasional note of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' played.

If you could actually feel your heart breaking Jack was positive his had just been put through a shredder. He clasped his head in his hands for a second, waiting for the pain to leave, before he stepped out of the room and stumbled towards Ryan's bedroom. The little boy had been sleeping in with him since Sam's death, so the room was immaculately clean.

It was then he noticed something. He walked over to the boy's miniature bed and sat down picking up the teddy. It's once soft, white fur was now grey, from excessive hugging by his son. He lifted the teddy up in his hands and stared at it. It's black, shiny, button eyes looked sad as he stared at the small cuddly toy.

He had bought it for him when Sam had first returned from the hospital. Ryan never went to sleep without it. He sighed softly. The poor kid would probably be asking for it right about now. Jack would've taken it to him, but he was... drunk actually, and in no condition to drive. Any minute now he'd get an extremely apologetic call from Daniel asking if he could come and get Teddy, with many an 'I'm so sorry Jack and I don't mean to disturb you from your depressive drunken deliberations, but...'.

Jack stroked the soft fur on the teddy bear's sad face with his thumb, as he murmured, "How am I gonna get through this alone?"

"You're not alone, Jack."

Jack looked up in shock to see his wife stood before him smiling warmly, shining like a star. Soft white light framed her. She looked so real as she stared at him with those breathtaking eyes and murmured, "You have my Dad, Ryan, Megan, Janet, Daniel, Cassie, Teal'c and the General. You will never be alone."

He spoke as a tear managed to fall from his eyes, "Sam?"

She grinned as she said, "Maybe."

Jack gave a shaky sigh and pulled a hand over his tired features, "In other words, I've had too much to drink!"

Sam spoke seriously, "The kids need you, Jack. You're their only parent now, so they need you more than ever."

Jack shook his head as he said thickly, "I can't do this on my own. Before I know it Ryan will be a juvenile delinquent and Megan will have become the kind of girl that stands on street corners!"

"That's not true," she whispered gently. She walked towards him and sat down on the bed beside him. She stared at him as she smiled, "You will be a great Dad."

"Yeah right," Jack said as more tears clouded his vision, "I can't do this without you. Even when I had Sara look what happened to Charlie."

She spoke softly, "That wasn't your fault, Honey," Jack went to speak but she held up a ghostly finger as she continued, "We all make mistakes. And if you continue to grieve and wallow in alcohol over me, there will be more." She spoke gently as she smiled again, "Your children love you, Jack. Ryan adores you and when Megan grows up she'll be no different." Sam smiled, "And you know that I will never stop loving you."

Jack felt hot tears streaming from his eyes for the first time as he finally gave in to the pain, "I love you too. I never told you enough times how much I loved you."

She continued to smile at him as she murmured, "Once was enough, but you told me everyday anyway. You told me, not only in words, exactly how you felt just by being there for me. I always knew you loved me. There was never any doubt."

He couldn't control his tears any longer as the agony was so bad he was surprised he wasn't just disintegrating where he sat. He spoke in a whisper, "Why did you have to go?"

"I didn't go anywhere. I'm still here."

"You know what I mean," he mumbled into his hands.

She gave a soft sigh, "It was just my time." She paused as she said gently, "I want you to know I was happy and I still am."

Jack snorted through his tears, "Well, it's alright for you. I'm the one who's got to cope with life now without the only thing that made me keep it in the first place."

The woman spoke sincerely as he glanced at her, "Jack, you have to let me go now. You can't spend the rest of your life getting drunk and leaving Janet and Daniel to take care of the kids."

"I can't let you go," he said wiping the back of his hand over his eyes.

"I don't mean forget about me completely and go off and marry some other woman. I mean... I'm dead and there's no way to change that. It's the way it is."

Jack nodded softly as he murmured, "I know. I just..." He choked on his voice as he stared into her eyes, "I just wish."

"Yeah. Me too," She smiled fondly, "But I've got to go. I'm needed. It's hard work being an angel."

Jack chuckled softly as he asked curiously, "What do you do?

"Help people, guide people, care for people. You know, turn pumpkins into carriages," She smiled, "Ever wondered who drops the nickels on the street for a little child to see, gasp with delight and pick up?"

Jack smiled through his tears, "You always did have a soft spot for kids."

"That's why I married you."

He looked up at her as she grinned at him playfully in a way that still made Jack's heart flutter. After a second her grin became a small smile again as Jack murmured, "Please don't go."

She spoke equally sadly as she murmured, "There's no way to stay, Jack, but I'll always be watching over you. You're not alone and you never will be again."

"Oh Sam," he whispered half between a sob and a whine.

"I've got to go back now," she said as the dazzling light from around her seemed to get slightly brighter.

He murmured desperately, "You never really answered my question. I need to know. Is it really you?"

She stood up and stepped before him, "What do you think?"

"That I've lost it."

She laughed merrily, the same laugh that already echoed in Jack's mind, "No. You haven't lost it."

He stared at her, unshed tears creating a blurry film over his eyes, "Do you really have to go?"

She nodded sadly, "Yes. I'm sorry, Jack."

He spoke shakily, biting his bottom lip, "I never had a chance to say goodbye."

"Well, now's your chance," she whispered.

Jack let out a choked sob as he whispered, "I love you, Sam."

She smiled as the white light got brighter, "I love you too, Jack."

"Where are you going?" He asked urgently standing up.

"A place where we'll be together again. One day," she whispered, "I promise."

The Ghost stepped closer two him as one of her hands rose and stroked the side of his face gently, making Jack shiver compulsively. She stared at her hand sadly for a moment before she stepped back again.

"Bye Sam," he whispered.

She grinned as the light began to blind him, but he couldn't close his eyes. He refused to. He had to see her. The light became so bright that all Jack could see was her outline as the beautiful voice whispered like a breeze.

"Bye..."

Å

Janet went to knock on the door, but found it was already slightly open. She pushed it open and looked around, "Hello? Jack?"

There was no reply. She glanced around the living room and noticed a glass bottle drained of what ever liquor had previously filled it.

It was then she thought she heard something from upstairs. She moved towards the staircase and began to climb as she heard the Colonel's voice. He sounded as though he'd been crying or was still, "Do you really have to go?"

Oh God this was worse than she thought. He was talking to hi...

"Yes. I'm sorry, Jack."

If Janet hadn't been grabbing onto the banister she may have fallen down the stairs. She clung on for dear life as the voice registered with her brain.

She continued to climb the stairs as Jack spoke again, "I never had a chance to say goodbye."

Janet reached the landing. A light was emanating from Ryan's room. She edged towards the door as that soft, airy voice whispered again, "Well, now's your chance."

Janet glanced through the small gap into the room and gasped although neither of her friends heard her.

Jack's face was streaming with tears as the ghost of Sam stood feet away wreathed in light. He spoke, "I love you Sam."

She smiled, "I love you too, Jack."

Janet blinked back tears as the light got slightly brighter. The man spoke, standing hurriedly, his eyes wide with the fear of her leaving, "Where are you going?"

"A place where we'll be together again. One Day. I promise."

She watched as the spectre took a step forward and touched the man's cheek. Even Janet could see the man shiver. The woman pulled her hand back and Janet could see the sadness in her blue eyes as she stared at her ghostly palm before taking a step back from him again.

Jack spoke lovingly his bottom lip trembling, "Bye Sam."

The light was becoming brighter and brighter. Janet blinked as her eyes filled with coloured splodges. She looked up as through the light she could see Samantha O'Neill's body fading away slowly, a smile on her angelic face as she whispered, "Bye..."

The light suddenly disappeared and Janet rubbed her tear brimmed eyes as she stared at the man stood in the middle of the room, still clutching Ryan's teddy in one hand.

He looked up and saw her. She expected him to go berserk, but instead he murmured, "Here's Teddy..."

He held out the bear as she whispered surprised, "She was here."

Jack frowned as he wiped his eyes, "You saw?"

"She was here..." Janet's voice trailed away as she held shaking fingers to her lips in shock.

Jack closed his eyes as a final tear rolled down his cheek. He sighed as a small smile came to his lips and he brushed the tear away with his fingertips, "Thank you."

"What?"

Jack turned to her still smiling slightly, "I don't ask for a lot and I hardly ever pray, but that day when I stood there watching as you tried to resuscitate her, I prayed that I would be able to say goodbye."

He sniffed and looked at the Teddy in his hands again as he stepped towards her. She held out her hands as he placed the bear into them and murmured, "Tell Ryan I love him."

Janet nodded sadly gulping back the tears as she murmured, "Of course."

She turned to leave when Jack placed a hand on her shoulder, "And Janet?" She turned to him again as he whispered, "I'll pick my kids up in the morning."

Janet felt a smile on her lips as she nodded, "OK, Jack." She gave him a peck on the cheek and placed a hand on his arm for a second as she murmured, "Take care of yourself."

"Sure thing, Doc."

She smiled at him as he smiled back. She gave him a small wave as she left the room and began to wander down the stairs slowly.

She walked out to her car and opened the door. She was about to step in when she felt something. The street lamp flickered for a second and a breeze blew through the trees, making them rustle in the near silence of night.

Janet's smile widened slightly as she stepped into the car and carefully propped Teddy up in the passenger seat. She started the engine and drove along the many streets to her house her mind fixed on what had just happened.

She parked up in her drive and switched the key in the ignition as the gentle hum of the engine dissipated. She pulled it out of the ignition as she lifted the teddy bear from the seat and climbed back out of her car.

She walked to the front door and opened it. She stepped into the warmth as she removed her coat and hung it on the coat peg by the door. She slipped her shoes off and pulled a pair of slippers onto her feet.

She walked into the house and was greeted by a confused looking Daniel. She kissed him gently and then murmured, "What's wrong, Hon?"

"When you left Megan started wailing and I ran to the room to get her when she stopped suddenly. I panicked and sped into the spare room, but she was just lying there staring out of the window."

Janet frowned slightly, "What?"

"That's exactly it. One minute she was screaming her head off, the next silent and peaceful. And what's more I swore I closed the window and shut the curtains earlier, but when I went in, the window was open and the curtains drawn back. I think I'm losing it."

Janet sighed softly as a smile came to her lips, "No. You're not." He looked at her confused as she looked at him with a smile, "Don't worry, Daniel." The man looked even more confused, as Janet gave him a peck on the cheek and walked towards the spare room.

Cassie sat with Megan in her arms. She was also frowning slightly. The baby's eyes were fixed on the window, as she sucked her tiny fingers.

Janet glanced at the small boy lying beneath the covers on his bed as he murmured, "Teddy!"

Janet smiled and walked over to the boy passing him the bear which he pulled tightly into his chest and squeezed. Janet stroked his hair as the little boy snuggled up under the blankets with his worn cuddly toy, sticking his thumb in his mouth.

Janet sighed softly as she whispered, "Keep shining little star and guide the way for those of us that get lost."

"'K," the boy mumbled as he drifted off to sleep. Janet smiled and gently kissed him on the forehead and pulled the blanket over him.

She looked up at the young woman who closed the window and was about to draw the curtains when Janet murmured, "Leave them open."

Cassie turned to her and then glanced at the small baby still staring out of the window, "Mom? Something happened at Jack's, didn't it?"

Janet nodded gently and then smiled as her daughter left the room. Janet walked slowly towards the door and gently flicked the light switch as she murmured, "Bye Sam... at least for now."

FINIS

Yet more Author's Notes: The End... or is it?!? I must say there is a sequel in the planning although no story line is a definite yet. I'm also not promising it will appear any time in the near future as I'm trying my darndest to finish a few more of the stories I started, but as of yet have been unable to finish (they're just building up and up and I swear soon my computer's gonna run out of memory space!) Anyway, I hope you liked 'Vulnerability'. Remember, if you have any comments, good (or bad) please send me them! Thanks!

Copyright (c) 2004 Sam I Am