What If…
…Jack had moved to Chicago? (Samantha's POV)
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything else so leave me alone -P
A/N: If only… that's all I can say! No, I'm joking, but I am interested to know what would have happened had Jack actually moved away to Chicago and if he was still with Maria… only thing is, what if Sam wasn't with Martin in the end? But no, that's not why I wrote this one… I guess you could call it fluff… so enjoy! (Set a week or two after Jack left). By the way, doesn't follow on from the chapter before at all… completely different worlds (as you can guess).
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Vulnerable: Vul-ner-a-ble - Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
Dear Diary,
Okay, this is weird, Samantha Spade writing in a journal? I know what you're thinking… 'What the hell?' And you would be right. I would never expect me to do such a thing either, but I felt I needed to start writing things down and hey, it was a suggestion Lisa made, and Lisa knows best.
Wonder why I tore that page of my dictionary out? At first, I did too… It was a strange move… even stranger than writing a journal, but I guess I did it without thinking. I just needed something that I could hold on to, something that I could try to defeat, that's what we do with our fears after all. My biggest fear of the moment: Vulnerability. Being Vulnerable. It scares me to think that one day I could end up this quivering mess with no love life, in fact no life full stop. No, that won't happen to Samantha Spade, she's strong etc… oh yeah, sure! Just because you don't see the tears, doesn't mean they're not there.
I didn't think I would cry… I knew I'd be sad, but not in such a state that I'd cry… at least not until he had actually gone. But just the news of him leaving, it set me off, and once I'd started, it was hard to stop, even when Martin walked into the room and saw me, I was left crying on the inside.
Martin, way to go for a touchy subject! Martin Fitzgerald… he's kind, sweet, protective… everything a girl would want in a man… and he's not Jack. By the way, in case you're thinking 'You still love Jack?' well no, I do not love him, we just share strong feelings… and the fact that Martin is not Jack is very positive, I don't think I could handle two Jacks around this place.
Except there are not two Jacks, there's no Jack… he's gone… I dare to say… he's gone without a trace… no, that's corny, and I do not do corny… At least I didn't… that was always Jack's thing. And there I go talking about him again, when actually I was trying to explain my feelings for Martin. But no, everything that has happened these past weeks and I'm still talking about Jack… I guess it's like when you haven't watched a show for so long that you've gone off it, and you watch one episode, and you're hooked again and can't stop talking about it, and the program you were obsessed with before sort of fades away…
Martin's had a crush on me since he arrived here, it was obvious, and now he's admitted to it. And I feel so bad for turning him down when he asked me out, even if it was like a year ago, because I saw I hurt him… but it's okay now. Since Jack left (Damn, mentioned him again!) Martin and I have had a chance to talk (and do more than talk if ya know what I mean) and I hate to think that lots of people expect I am only with him to get over Jack, because I'm not… I have genuine feelings for Martin, and I am glad that we can show those feelings together now… without Jack. I knew I could never be with Jack anyway, Maria and he are meant to be together, and that's that, even if the love has gone, it'll be back, I'm sure of it…
Maybe I'm just saying all this stuff to make myself feel better, it's possible. I mean, what do you expect me to say on the one night where I am not working, or sharing a bed with Martin? I'm lonely, and some may turn to the wine bottle (or Vodka or whatever…) but no, I turn to a blank page and start writing. I am not the type to be like 'today I got up and went to work but work ended early so I came home and watched TV and did basically nothing all evening' because why would I want to write that? No, a diary is for feelings… and that is hopefully what I got across in some mixed up way. Speak soon (possibly),
Sam
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Love: L-uv -A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
Dear Diary,
Forget talking to yourself, the first sign of madness is ripping things from the dictionary, believe me! And right now, I'm waiting for the man who I might very possibly be in love with to come over for dinner, and instead of making myself look beautiful, I'm here, talking to you about feelings again. Love is possibly the most complicated to understand, but the term is thrown around so often, about candy, or a film or even a song you hear once or twice on the radio.
That's why I'm scared to say I love Martin… and believe me that's an achievement, Samantha Spade being scared of something… but yeah, I am. Especially because I don't want to say it and regret it, or Martin not feel the same way… that's why I haven't been in here for like 3 weeks (that and the fact that I forgot all about it!) So yeah, Martin and I have been 'together' for about a month now. It started the night Jack was leaving, and we've gone strong since, but I'm still scared. I'm scared that he will find this; I'm scared that he isn't feeling the same things as me, and I'm scared that he will realize that I am not the strong woman he thinks I am.
Sam