Try a Little Tenderness – Josi Hamilton
It was almost inevitable from the beginning. But neither of them imagined they'd end up feeling like they did by the time that they got there.
A two-day course about the oxygenation of the cells in the kidneys and the filtration of blood back into the respiratory system. Something they'd both need to know. A night in a hotel; separate rooms of course. Paid for by the hospital. Connie needed her staff to be the best. And to be the best they had to have the best, she said. So that's why Ric was sat there, next to Connie herself, in the conference room of a posh London hotel, finishing off his notes for the day. Connie was watching him, bemusedly, her leather-bound notepad closed on her lap.
Ric glanced up at her as he put the cap on his pen. "What?" He asked, in a slightly irate manner.
Connie smiled scrupulously. "Just pleased to see you making an effort."
"Right. Well if I'm going to be stuck here for two days, may as well make the most of it."
"I'm sorry if this is a burden on you, Mr Griffin, I thought you'd find it helpful, to be educated."
"I never said that Connie, and you know…"
"Dinner?" She interrupted, looking at him inquisitively, a small smile playing about her lips.
"What?" Ric replied, confused by her sudden change in topic.
"Would you like to go for dinner? After all, if we're stuck here, we may as well make the most of it." She grinned, teasingly.
"Touché." Replied Ric, grinning also. "Dinner it is."
Connie stood up, tucking her notebook in her arm, and walked forward a few paces, allowing Ric time to take in the way her fitted suit hugged her tight behind and effortlessly accentuated her upper body. He bit his lip slightly, standing up, and grasping his own tatty notebook in his hand, he followed her through to the hotel's fancy restaurant. They sat down, at a table for two and sipped the crisp white wine that was promptly delivered to them. They were silent for a while, Ric doing his best to avoid making eye contact with Connie, while she in turn did her best to make him look at her. She knew she was making him uncomfortable, and she was enjoying it. There was something about him that she hadn't been able to push out of her mind since that first night. She smiled slightly to herself as she thought of that amazing evening, which made her first day at the hospital end with a bang, quite literally.
Finally, Ric spoke. "Why have you bought me here Connie?" He asked, quietly. Connie looked bewildered at this question.
"For dinner." She was almost laughing as she said this, confused by his meaning.
"No…here. To the hotel. On this course. Why not bring someone else, Will for instance. What do you want?"
"Want? Ric, you're here because you are a consultant at my hospital, and I want my consultants to be the best. I don't want anything from you but your best efforts at work! Honestly." Connie shook her head in disgust.
"I didn't mean to cause offence Connie." Ric said quietly, as the waiter interrupted to take their order.
Nothing more was said until their dinner arrived. You could cut the tension between them with a knife. Outwardly, Connie was calmly gazing around the room, though inside, she was in turmoil…what exactly had Ric been implying?
Ric smiled nervously as the food appeared, but Connie just gazed at him coolly. "Looks good." He said, in attempt to break the ice.
"Hmm." Connie replied, inarticulately as her own dinner was placed in front of her. She began to eat.
Ric ate in silence for a moment, until her ignorance became unbearable. "Connie you don't need to give me the silent treatment, just because I voiced an opinion."
"And what exactly is your opinion Ric, hmm?" She asked him, angrily. "What exactly is it that you think of me?" She put down her fork, expectantly.
"Connie, you know as well as I do that you can be a little on the manipulative side if you so wish." Ric said, stonily.
" And you know as well as I do, Ric, that I always get what I want." She said the word 'Ric' with disgust, as if it repulsed her to have his name pass her lips. This infuriated him, and he slammed his cutlery down on the table.
"Goodnight Connie." He said, before storming out of the restaurant, leaving Connie sat on her own, the entire clientele of the dining hall staring at her. Connie simply cleared her throat and continued with her meal, before eschewing desert in favour of the bar.
She found him there, staring enigmatically into the bottom of a wine glass, rolling his eyes as he heard the clacking of her heels against the marble floor. "Another?" She queried, and he nodded in reply. She ordered, and Ric wandered over to a recently vacated leather sofa nearby. She followed him, and handed him his drink.
"You made quite a big exit before." She quietly spoke, gazing at him impassively.
"I felt it was needed." Ric shrugged, and looked at her, sipping his wine.
"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an ogre you know."
"I can see that Connie. Do you have any idea how much you mess with people's feelings?" Ric was calmer now, but still, something stirred inside him to make him feel he had to tell her this.
"No. Why don't you tell me?" Connie settled back in her seat, as if she were expecting to be told a long and interesting story.
"You mess with people's hearts Connie…lead them on, make them feel like they're something special. You give them this…amazing feeling…make them feel good about themselves again after so long, after its been so hard and then this suddenly there's a beautiful woman looking at them in that way…they feel like grinning all the time because this amazing woman seems to have fallen for them…but it's all ice with you, you lead them on and then let them down…use them."
Connie gazed at Ric for a moment. "And by 'them'…do you mean you?"
Ric simply looked away, embarrassed at her having sussed him out. Connie looked at him softly, feeling a twinge of something she could only describe as guilt. This annoyed her. The man in front of her was obviously upset, and it was her doing. The problem being, that unlike all the others, she liked Ric, he was a genuine person. It annoyed her that he behaviour had affected her, it annoyed her that he had got to her so much.
"I see…" She finally said.
"So now you know." Said Ric, quietly, before rising from his seat and leaving the bar, heading for his room. Connie sat there for a moment, in a stunned silence, before downing her drink in one swift movement, and following him.
Ric sat down on his bed, head in his hands, mentally kicking himself for allowing Connie to know that information. He knew she'd only use it for her own advantage now, to give her extra power over him, to enable herself to be able to twist him that tiny bit tighter around her little finger. Picking up his notebook from the bed, he threw it on the floor angrily, causing its grubby white pages to come loose from the binding and scatter across the dark wood. He almost didn't hear the knocking on the door at first, he was so angry with himself, but when his ears came to focus on the sharp, decisive knocking, he knew who it was at once.
"Connie, go away." He called, cringing at his own hostility after reproaching her for the same thing not half an hour earlier.
"No." She replied unfalteringly. "I will not. Let me in."
"Please Connie. I'm not in the mood for games."
"Just open the goddamned door."
Slowly Ric moved towards the door and opened it. Connie was leaning against the doorframe with her arms folded, and smiled at him softly as he did so.
"I'm sorry Ric." She said, simply, leaning up and walking in, crossing the room to sit down on the bed. "Did we have an argument with our notes?"
"See Connie, there you go again. Patronising me! Well I'm not in the mood." He held the door open for her, but she simply ignored him and bent down to pick up one of the papers, studying it for a moment, before replacing it where she found it.
"Close the door Ric. I have something to say." Ric did as she asked, and crossed the room halfway, watching her sit there, fully composed. "I know that I'm not… I know I seem to lack emotion, outwardly, but I assure you that it is there…and you…you Ric, you've got under my skin because…I don't know why, you're different I guess…but Ric…what I'm trying to say is that what you didn't say before…it's reciprocated."
Connie got up, and tried to restore her impassive facade after that moment of revelation. She walked across the room, intending her destination to be the door, but her tall stiletto heeled foot glided out from beneath her after it made contact with a page of Ric's notes, which went sliding across the wooden floor. Connie fell forward, and Ric stepped in, his arms slipping around her and pulling her upright just before she landed flat on her face. She made no effort to move away as their bodies pressed against each other, she simply looked up, to find her face mere inches from his. The pure feeling of his breath against her skin was thrilling, and it was this that made her press her body just slightly tighter into his.
Ric gazed down at her, before moving the final distance between them and brushing his lips softly against hers, marvelling in the fact that it felt every bit as electric now as it had done all that time ago. He kissed her again, properly this time, and closing his mouth over hers, their tongues did a tantalising tango, sending shivers up both of their spines. He pushed her backwards slowly, and they removed each other's clothing, item by item as they went. Finally they reached the bed, and he pushed her backwards, and, leaning down on top of her he let the magic begin.
Afterwards, they lay there, both equally breathless, both grinning intensely as they recalled the feelings of ecstasy, which had just taken them over. Ric lay on his back, his eyes closed, dreading the impending rejection speech he had expected. He was surprised to feel her turn onto her side next to him and shuffle slightly closer. He opened his arms to her and she moved in, resting her head on his chest, her arm draped comfortably across his stomach. He moved his arms back down, resting one hand on her waist and the other one across her back and up into her hair, which he gently played with between his fingers. There was something not right though, something he needed to know.
"Why…why didn't you leave afterwards Connie?" He asked, softly, a slight frown playing across his forehead.
Connie didn't reply for a long time as she lay there, listening to the rhythmic beat of his heart inside his chest. When she finally did her voice was soft, and a slight smile played about her lips. "Sometimes Ric…sometimes you've just got to try a little tenderness…it'll take you somewhere you'll always want to be."
They both fell asleep not long after that, the same smile playing on each of their lips, the same thought running through both of their minds.
"I always want to be here."
A Right to be WrongIs it always so hard? To trust? To love and be loved in return? Is it ever possible to completely let go?
"Sometimes, you've just got to try a little tenderness." Her words played in his mind repetitively. "It'll take you somewhere you'll always want to be."
She wasn't lying. That night was tender, illicit and pure, and absolutely everything he could possibly have hoped it could be. He gazed at her across the ward, as she told Mr Curtis off for his latest mistake, and he wondered where he stood with her. She'd been so warm, even kissed him goodbye when they'd parted at the end of the conference, and looked back at him over her shoulder as she'd walked towards her car. He didn't know the correct etiquette with Connie though; for one she was married, and for another, she was…well, she was Connie.
What he didn't know is that she'd noticed him watching, and was herself wondering what to say to him either… Connie was torn. She watched Ric looking at her over Will's shoulder, as Will began reeling off a list of excuses and opinions which Connie was quite frankly, not interested in. Connie was a married woman, but she did as she pleased, and her husband knew that, and she knew that he did the same. Her marriage to Michael was lustful and fiery, and stood them both in good stead professionally. However, she could not deny that she felt something that night, something that amounted to more than the earth moving. There was something about being in his arms, she'd found, that had made her feel safer than Michael ever had. For all her reputation was worth, all Connie wanted was to be safe and warm, and loved.
Ric watched as Connie said something to Will, which caused him to walk off, shoving past Ric to get out of the door. Ric turned and watched him storm down the corridor, before turning his attentions back to the ward, and catching Connie's eye in the process. She gazed at him for a moment, holding his stare until uncomfortably, he looked away and disappeared out of the same door that Will had done, moments before.
Connie watched him go, wondering if it was even worth the fight. She could stand to loose her husband, but not her pride. She'd never beg for a man, never compromise her pride. No. He'd have to come to her.
She walked towards her office, the sound of her heels reverberating around the now silent corridor. She knew he was inside before she even reached the door.
"Ric." She said, stopping and leaning on the doorframe with her arms folded, much in the same way as she had done at the hotel, a few days before. This time however, Ric did not glare at her as she smiled at him, but smiled back, hesitantly, wondering what it all meant. "Were you waiting for me?"
Ric looked at her, thinking what a silly question that was to ask…he wouldn't be waiting for anyone else in there now, would he? "Yes…Yes I was…how are you?"
Connie could clearly see that Ric was uncomfortable. She didn't want him to be, she wanted him to be relaxed around her. She wondered, not for the first time that day, if it was ever possible to completely let go. "I'm fine thank you." She replied, politely. "And how are you?"
"Yes, very well…" He tried to think of a way to broach the subject of their previous rendezvous, but failed to find the words. She'd said she reciprocated what he hadn't been able to say, but what if she'd thought he'd meant something different to what he actually had? Maybe she'd just wanted sex. It wouldn't, after all, have been unlike Connie to want that.
But it had been different, the other night. It had been more special somehow; he'd come away feeling so much more…fulfilled than he ever had done before. He didn't want it to have been a one-night stand, but deep down he knew that that was all that it could be. He knew that Connie's attentions could be nothing more than lustful. He looked at her, and her stance was defensive, but her gaze was soft, and showed a little bit of the tenderness she had spoken so warmly of a few days before. He wondered, not for the first time what she really wanted from him, really, not what she would tell him she wanted, but what she actually did.
Connie gazed back at Ric, assuming that he was going to finish his sentence at some point. She wondered what he was thinking, and why he felt the need to stare at her like that while he did it. It was making her feel slightly uncomfortable, now she came to think of it. She continued to lean against the doorframe, and didn't drop his gaze, afraid that doing so would make her vulnerable, but really all she wanted to do was walk over to him and touch him…not so much touch as hold. She didn't understand why she was feeling this way, but she did not want it to stop.
"About…before." Ric's words interrupted Connie's thoughts. "Where do we stand on that…what comes next…if there is a next?" He said, confusing himself slightly with his own words. His voice was gentle and tender, and he looked at her with open eyes. He stirred something within her, something that made her want to tell him that she wanted to be his everything, but she couldn't. She couldn't allow herself to be put in a position that could make her vulnerable such as that. She could not allow herself to be stung.
"There's not a next Ric…" She said softly, trailing off towards the end of the line, feeling pangs within the pit of her stomach as she took in the look on his face; he looked like she'd punched him in the stomach. She watched him nod slowly, before walking out of the room, stopping at the door to look at her for a moment. "I have paperwork to do…it's a self preservation thing, you see." He closed the door behind him.
Connie slowly walked over to her sofa and sank down into it. "Oh Connie." She said, to herself. "What have you gone and done this time?"
Ric closed the door of his office with a slam, not in the mood to be speaking to anyone at that moment. He ran his fingers through his hair, before leaning against the door with his hands behind his head, gazing out of the window, failing to understand why she'd said what she had done, why he'd put himself in the position for her to say it in the first place. He'd fallen for all the wrong women over the years, but this…this was the icing on the cake. "Jesus Ric…" He said, to himself. "You've really gone and done it this time."
Connie had been sitting there for some time when he pager went off. She'd been thinking about Ric, feeling guilty for hurting him and bemused that she, of all people was feeling guilty for hurting a man's feelings. She just couldn't get the image of his face when she'd brushed him off from her head, she couldn't get away from the way he'd looked at her, the way those deep brown eyes had been so wounded. She wondered why she'd always been so scared of being vulnerable that she'd never really allowed herself to be loved, and she wondered if that was why she felt so lonely all the time. Even with Michael, she felt lonely, but on that night with Ric, she hadn't. She'd really felt wanted there, in his arms. Which made her wonder if Michael had really ever wanted her at all.
She passed his office on the way to theatre…He saw her, and she saw him, but they both pretended that they hadn't. As she walked through the swing doors and saw Will Curtis standing at the operating table, looking at her in an arrogant manner, she bristled. "What's the problem?" She asked, perhaps a little more snappily than she should have done.
"It's Ray Croft." Will shrugged. "He's your patient. You know him. I thought you'd want to be here." Connie blinked for a moment at this news. Ray had been a friend of Connie's parents, a lovely man, absolutely doted on his wife, Barbara. The pair of them loved each other deeply, the kind of love that you knew would last forever, the kind Connie wanted to experience herself, but had never quite made it. Connie felt slightly unsettled at the thought of what was happening to him.
"What happened?" Connie asked, her voice a little shaky as she went to get scrubbed up, listening avidly as Will filled her in on the details. She walked over to the table and began his procedure, meticulously as usual, but today, not speaking to Will unless it was necessary. When Ray arrested, Connie's heart jumped into her throat. She went through the usual routine, getting more and more frantic as time carried on passing, not stopping, even when Will gently suggested it to her for the first, second, third time. It was only when Will forcibly removed the paddles from her hands that Connie realised she had to call it. She did, and walked across the theatre, covering her eyes with her hand, before running it up over her forehead and into her hair, staring at the floor and trying desperately not to cry in front of her colleagues. When Will walked over to her, placing a hand tenderly on her shoulder, she shrugged him off and walked out of the theatre, tossing her gown on the floor as she did.
When she got outside, she leaned against the wall, her eyes closed. As she felt a hand on her arm, she opened her eyes in an aggravated manner, expecting Will to be standing before her, but discovering it in fact to be Barbara's concerned eyes looking into hers.
"Ray…is he okay?" The hope in Barbara's familiar shaky old voice make Connie feel sick to the stomach, she was ravaged with guilt that she hadn't been able to do anything for a man who had been a big part of her life since before she could remember. Connie shook her head slightly.
"I'm so sorry Barbara." She said quietly. Connie stood there, frozen as Barbara's eyes filled up almost instantly with tears. Her voice was almost silent as she finished what she was saying. "There was nothing I could do."
Connie touched Barbara's arm gently, feeling uncomfortably numb as she lead Barbara over to the seats and sat with her for a suitable amount of time before asking Will to escort her to the mortuary so that she could say her goodbyes. Connie headed straight for her office and closed the door behind her, making sure that all the blinds were closed tightly before she allowed herself to cry.
It was almost an hour later when Lisa informed Ric that Connie had disappeared into her office a while ago and had not yet emerged, despite being late for her ward rounds. Word had gotten around the staff that Connie had lost a close friend earlier that day, and everyone was too scared of her wrath to go and get her. Ric went and knocked gently on her office door, realising that he was the nominated individual to do so. Lisa watched him from a distance as Ric turned the handle and opened the door, despite not hearing any reply to his knocking from Connie telling him to do so. He stuck his head round the door, and saw her, sat on the sofa, her knees drawn up to her chest staring out of the window. She didn't turn round to face him as he opened the door, and he did not speak. He simply entered her office, gently closing the door behind him, and walked over to the sofa, surprised to see the tearstains on her cheeks. She looked at him as he sat down, opening her mouth to speak but not finding the words to say. Sensing her helplessness, Ric reached for her and pulled her gently into his arms. She sank into them, gratefully, pressing her head into his chest. She could not begin to explain how absolutely inadequate she felt at that moment, how accountable she felt for Ray dying, how culpable she felt for Barbara's sorrow. She'd sat for a long time, thinking about how close Ray and Barbara had been, how that was all gone now. And she'd realised something, something about herself, something that she needed to do.
"Ric." She spoke softly, her voice broken by the feelings caught in her throat. " There's something I need to say."
"You don't have to do this now Connie." Ric said gently, stroking her back ever so slightly as he did.
"Yes…yes I do." She sat up, and looked at Ric. "What I said earlier…I…I…." Even now, Connie was finding it hard to admit that she was wrong. Her voice was almost inaudible when she said it, but Ric heard her clearly enough, and knew not to ask her to repeat it. "I was wrong."
"You've got a right to be wrong Connie, everybody does." Ric spoke gently. "And if you can admit that, then you're the better person for it." He moves one hand gently to her cheek, softly wiping her tears away with his thumb. She looked at him sadly, wondering whether it would be too much to share her feelings of inadequacy with him. Ric could sense she needed to unload how she was feeling on someone, and gave her a soft prompt. "You know, you're not superwoman Connie…you can't save everyone."
"But I should have been able to save Ray…he was like an uncle to me." Connie looked back down at her lap as her eyes began to well up again. "I just wish I'd been able to say goodbye."
Ric looked at her compassionately as she said this, realising just how upset Connie was by the death of Ray. It shocked him slightly, the realisation that she was just as human as he was, that she had feelings too, could be moved by things just as he could. Gently he hugged her again, pulling her towards him as she began to cry. He held her tightly, stroked her soft curly hair and let her cry into his chest, until she'd had the chance to let it all out.
It was dark outside when Connie sat up again, and wiped her eyes before looking at Ric, felling embarrassed at her breakdown, embarrassed that he had seen her at her most vulnerable, embarrassed that he now knew that she wasn't the untouchable that she strived to be. "I'm sorry," she said, trying to compose herself. "You didn't need to see that."
"I wanted to be here." He replied, softly.
The close proximity of their bodies meant that Connie was close enough to Ric to lean her head forwards slightly and rest her forehead against his. She closed her eyes, in an attempt to protect herself from the implications of what she was about to say. Her voice was still sad and broken, but a soft smile played on the corners of her lips as she spoke.
"I always want you to be here."