Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events.
Disclaimer: Joss W. Owns all of the Buffyverse, I own nothing. Sad but true.
When you're on the bloody Hellmouth, nothing seems to ever go as planned. Trust me, I would know, I've been on a lot of Hellmouths. The one in Sunnydale seems as though it's going to be my undoing. Now, let me explain why.
I was really piss drunk one night at The Bronze. Yeah, stop and marvel at the concept. Well, I wasn't wanting to be disturbed by any of the bleeding scoobie gang. Guess who walked in. Just my luck right? There they all come in, laughing and cuttin' up, and I was to smashed to just get up and leave. I knew if I had tried to stand up I was going to fall on my face and make a bloody scene. So, I sat there, hoping that they wouldn't see me. Buffy must have a radar though, cause the stupid bint just walks straight up to the bar and looks at me.
"What are you doing here Spike?" She asked me in that voice that can only be the most annoying slayer I've ever laid eyes on. Her hair was gleaming in the light or maybe I was just drunk, I couldn't tell you now if I had to. Anyway. I stare at her like she's a blithering idiot. Then say the first thing that comes to mind.
"S'none of your business slayer, sod off!" I was in a bad mood, and I was slurring my speech and it was very obvious that I was drunk. I really didn't want to see her face either. After all, it was only a couple nights ago that I had awoke with a start because of a horrible dream about being in love with her.
She just shrugged and ordered herself and her friends some drinks. Then she turned and left me there. Thank whom ever, I really didn't want her there. I was surprised that there was no whippy come back to my drunkenness. At the same time though, I was to drunk to care.
After being there for just a bit longer, long enough to drink one last brew I tried to stand up to leave. I made it, victory I made it to my feet. Now I just had to start moving them to get out of there without anymore visits from the slayer. Also had to try not to bump into anyone because if they fell and hurt themselves it would have been my fault and the bug zapper in my cranium would have went off.
So I start walking, staring at the floor trying to keep a straight line and not bump into anyone. Why the bartender didn't cut me off a couple hours ago, I don't know. Maybe he knew I was having a bad night.
I had almost made it to the door when none other than little Miss Buffy Summers waltzed up to me. I whirled around and gave her an unenthusiastic look.
"What the bleeding hell do you want slayer?" I slurred and hiccuped. I never have understood that, why it is that I hiccup. It's not like I need to breath and I thought hick-ups were caused by a lack of breath. Anyway, as I was saying. I slurred this at her and she gave me the most annoyed look I've ever seen. Then in reply she said.
"I was just going to tell you to be careful. I'm watching you." Again, she walks off and joins her friends. I think to myself, 'Great now the slayer's keepin' tabs on me', and I continued to try and make it back to my crypt before sunrise.
I made it back to my crypt without anything to embarrassing happening. The event at The Bronze was a bit unfortunate but it gets worse. Stick with me here. So I got back to my crypt, I open the door and who do I see? Come on take a wild guess, someone from way out in left field. Uses to many hair products, broods a lot. Yeah, you guessed it, Angel. He was sitting in my comfy chair. The nerve of this ponce.
I stumble through the door, and to beat it all I know he's ignoring my presence in my own crypt because I made a lot of noise and he didn't turn around, move or anything. So I walk over and I poke him on the shoulder hard, and I speak.
"Outta my chair ponce!" My voice was raised and I was trying to be intimidating not drunk. I don't think it worked, but still, he stood up. And I spoke again as I stood there swaying to and fro. "Just what do you think you're doing here?" He had the nerve to look at me and smile.
"I just came to see what was up here in Sunnydale, thought I'd stop by and see how you're coping with the military issue." I didn't want him to be here, and somehow I knew he wasn't speaking with genuine concern.
I eyed him a bit, then I sat down in my chair. He looked like he was sizing me up, or trying to figure out how drunk I was. I'm still not totally sure why he was looking at me. I'm afraid to ask too, you never know with that ponce.
"You're here to check on Buffy, don't try to lie. I don't really know a thing right now. Thanks for stopping bye." I told him with a stern look on my face. I thought to myself 'Could this night get any worse?' well, I was about to find out.
"So just like that you're going to kick, your sire out of your crypt?" he acted as though I had really hurt his feelings or something. I looked away from him. I was starting to think that maybe getting drunk on this particular night was not the answer.
"Yeah, just like that mate. You're not welcome here. Go chat up old Rupert if you're looking for hospitality mate, my door is closed." I was really starting to spiral into a drunken oblivion now. Not caring a bit what I said to anyone.
"Spike, you're drunk, I can see this, but I need to talk to you, and besides the sun is coming up. I can't leave now." with that said I rolled my eyes and became extremely uncomfortable.
"Bloody hell, use the tunnels you're not staying here." he looked at me like I'd just made him touch the fire. I stood up and started to head toward the lower level and my bed. Yes, sleep is what I needed. Sleep off this terrible night. Seeing the ponce was just to much. I didn't say anything, I just stumbled over to the opening to the cave under the crypt. I looked back at him and gave him the most evil expression I could muster.
Then as I was trying to make my way down the ladder, as luck would have it. I slipped up and fell. I let out a wail as I fell, and hit the ground with a loud thump and a 'Bloody Hell!'.
I could hear Angel laughing and I could hear him say. "Maybe you'll learn to refrain from drinking to much." Stupid ponce, things couldn't get worse at this point. The fall had hurt my pride. I got up, stripped down and slowly made it to bed. Covers on top of me, I could hear him stirring upstairs. He wasn't leaving.
The nerve of this bloke. I thought he was rummaging through my things, so I pulled myself out of bed, threw my trousers back on and slowly, carefully, climbed the ladder just enough to poke my head up.
"Hey! I said leave. Don't let the door hit you on the way out." he just rolled his eyes at me and sat down in my chair again. I thought to myself, and maybe I said it out loud, I'm really not sure. 'Bugger this.' and I returned to bed.
That day I had a dreamless sleep. Thank who ever for small favors. I was thinking maybe things were looking up. Then I woke up, I came to, and I had a hang over. Again, something I didn't think was possible.
I got up and threw on some clothes. Got up the ladder, and Angel was still there. I just sneered at him and walked over to my fridge pulling out a packet of blood. A couple of packets were missing. I gave Angel a glare.
"Outta my chair." I ordered at him and he stood up, he stretched. I sat down and lit a cigarette. He walked over and jumped up on the sarcophagus lid. He looked at me and then opened his mouth to speak, I was dreading the words from the time I realized he was still there. There are times when this ponce just can't keep his bloody mouth shut, and there are times when you just can't get him to say anything. Not that I've ever tried to actually speak to him. Well, not sense we started this little feud.
"Spike, I don't like being here any more than you like me being here. I despise you just as much as you despise me and being around you isn't my idea of fun but," I was already trying to tune out the brooding idiot. Not really interested in what it was he had to say. "But I'm here for a reason. The powers that be sent me a message, not sure what I have to do here but it has something to do with you so I have to keep an eye on you." What Buffy had said the night before came hurdling back at me. I sprang to my feet and started yelling.
"What's everyone's bloody problem! Why is everyone watching me! I just want to be left alone! Get out of my soddin' crypt NOW!" Angel shook his head. And told me that he couldn't just leave me alone.
I was furious, this was really unfortunate for me. I hate this guy and now he's staying over uninvited. I went back down the ladder and grabbed my coat, came back and headed out the door. Angel followed and I tried desperately to ignore him. Just the sound of his feet hitting the ground behind me was annoying. Made me feel like he was trying to actually be the good sire again.
About half way through the cemetery I pivoted on my heel and shot him a look of total annoyance.
"If you're going to follow me around, at least keep your bloody distance. We're not mates, we'll never be mates, and I still hate you." Angel stopped and listened to what I had to say, he shrugged and said okay. I turned and continued to walk.
Suddenly we were surrounded by a bunch of unsavory characters. Things just couldn't get any worse than this. There were eight of them, and two of us. We started to fight them. It seemed as though Angel just got in my way, and we couldn't kill them, neither of us were armed. So came the opportunity, we ran. The demons chasing after us.