New Year, New Start
A/N: Once again a big "thank you" to my beta reader Ang. I also want to thank you all my reviews. I know the last chapter was sad and this one doesn't get much better but I hope it makes it clear why Minerva has such low self-esteem when it comes to her personal life. I can promise you that things will get better!
Chapter Six: The blues
Albus had made his way to breakfast expecting to find Minerva looking happy and full of the joys of the season. But when he arrived he had been shocked to find her looking the unhappiest she had been for a long time. He had thought the chocolates would have cheered her up. They had come from his heart and had hoped they would light some type of fire within her.
He sat beside her and she looked up from her plate. She smiled at him but it wasn't the usual happy smile. It was a forced smile and that shocked Albus. Her usually bright emerald green eyes were duller than most days and it looked like she didn't get much sleep the night before.
"Good morning, my dear," he said cheerfully as he reached out in front of him and poured himself a glass of pumpkin juice.
"Good morning, Albus," she replied as she looked back down at her plate and pushed a mushroom around with her fork.
Albus wondered what could have dampened her mood. Minerva was a witch that didn't let things get to her easily. She was very independent and could hold her own in anything. Maybe she hadn't received the chocolates after all and instead, she had received some bad news. He decided to the broach the subject of her being so glum. He was lucky that their friendship was one where he could pry into her thoughts with her permission and that she would always talk to him if something were troubling her.
"You seem out of sorts my dear," he questioned softly. He didn't want to draw the attention of the other staff members.
"Yes" she answered absentmindedly. She hadn't really heard him because she was thinking about the chocolates. She had spent most of the night trying to think who would play such a trick on her. And even when she walked into the Great Hall for breakfast, she had scanned the room to see if anyone was looking at her strangely.
"Yes, what?" Albus asked.
"Hmm, pardon?" she said looking up at him.
She had looked up into his eyes and saw them twinkling. She usually loved to see them that way but today they annoyed her. He was always so damn happy and sometimes he didn't even need a reason. She had always been amazed that a man like Albus Dumbledore could always remain happy even when he was carrying the burdens of the wizarding world on his shoulders. She didn't feel in the mood to talk to an overly happy person who was currently spreading lemon curd on his toast and beard. He always managed to spread some sort of jam on his beard at breakfast but was always unaware of it until she politely told him.
"Albus, you have curd on your beard," she pointed out without even smiling like she usually did.
"I was saving that for later," he replied. "I have some nice fruit crackers in my office."
It was the same answer every morning for the last two weeks. Molly Weasley had made him some fruit crackers and he had become rather hooked on the delicious treats. Minerva usually laughed along with him and would say that she would come along and join him. She would also say that he needed to get a bit more on his beard, otherwise there wouldn't be enough.
"Can't you think of something else to say?" she suddenly snapped. Her outburst surprised not only herself and Albus but also the rest of the staff table. "Excuse me!"
Minerva quickly got to her feet and swept out of the Great Hall through the staff side entrance. She couldn't quite believe that she had snapped at her best friend but then again he deserved it for being too happy when she was feeling anything but. She made her way to her office and sat behind her desk. She placed her head in her hands and sighed.
Why was she letting them get to her like this? Tricks had been played on her before and she had laughed about them in private. She remembered when the Weasley twins had offered her canary cream and she had taken one and placed it in her biscuit tin for another time. It had taken several hours for all the bright yellow feathers to disappear once she had finally eaten it. She had laughed about it with Albus after it had happened but there was something crueler about this joke.
Maybe it was because she wanted them to be from someone who actually loved her and not someone playing a joke on her. She usually didn't have a self-esteem problem when it came down to it. She was an independent woman who was known for being strict, fair and noble. She was a teacher that commanded respect from her pupils and wanted to give them a thirst for knowledge. Her self esteem was not lacking in her professional life at all but in her personal life she was very aware that it was missing.
Ever since the stunner incident, she had been painfully aware of her life and how empty it seemed. She had her students, her friends and her job but there was something missing…love. She knew that she was getting old. She managed to be in denial until the four stunners had hit her. While she was lying in St Mungo's, all she heard was that it was remarkable how she had survived such an attack at her age. This had annoyed Minerva to no end. She wasn't old in wizarding terms at all but the healers seemed to overlook that rather important point. She had looked in the mirror after several days of coming round and had been disgusted by the angry looking scars that the stunners had left on her chest. They made her feel and look ugly.
How was anyone supposed to love her when she couldn't even love herself? That was why the chocolates had hurt so much. They had offered her hope but then that hope had been replaced by a cruel joke. She was still unsure who would so such a thing but she didn't have a chance to think about it anymore as someone speaking broke into her thoughts.
"Minerva!" came Albus' voice from the doorway.
"Albus!" she answered back. A sense of guilt overwhelmed her as she thought back to how she had spoken to him. "I am sorry about before."
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked as he walked in and shut the office door. He perched on the edge of her desk and nibbled on his piece of toast he had brought with him.
Minerva looked at him and saw the concern flashing in his eyes. They were no longer twinkling and she wished that they were.
"Perhaps," she answered with a sad smile.
TO BE CONTINUEDA/N2: I know that is a cruel place to leave it but if I wrote everything I plan to then I feel the chapter would be too long, and you might lose interest. LOL. I will update in the next few days, so hang in there.