Digressions
by Cynical Chaos
My disclaimer : Once again, I write this chapter under protest. I didn't think that it would be this popular. As for a forth chapter, don't get your expectations too high. Also, once again this chapter is dedicated to The Big W, whose support I value greatly. After all, if it weren't for him, the second and third chapters of this fic wouldn't exist. And that probably means that I need to stop reading his reviews.
Standard disclaimer: The characters are not owned by me, nor do I profit off of them. The thoughts expressed in this fic are my own.
Shinji was certain that the mysterious author of the short, yet angry reply to his latest and, he had to admit, most depressing journal entry was Asuka. For one thing, the writing was horrid, nearly impossible to read. For another, she hadn't buggged, pestered, teased or screamed strange phrases in German at him. She hadn't done so since the night he had discovered the entry and that had been three days ago. Of course she had slept for most of the day, but he was certain that she was the author. At dinner time, she had kept sneaking strange looks at him when she thought that he wasn't looking. Looks of.... admiration? Confusion? He wasn't sure what her thoughts were about him. Usually he didn't care, just as long as she wasn't trying to use him as a punching bag or scapegoat. But still... it was strange. That wasn't the only odd thing she did. Nor was it the only situation where she had acted strange around him. Yesterday at school, he had walked around a corner while heading to his locker when he nearly rammed into her and the class rep, who had been talking to her. Instead of lambasting him for hitting her, she had pulled him up and pushed him away. Without saying anything. So today, with Asuka once again sick, he decided to perform a simple test. He would make an entry into his journal and see is there was a written response. If there was, well, he'd burn that bridge when he came to it. Luckily Asuka wouldn't pitch him over the bridge for tricking her. He shuddered. Death by cliche. He opened his notebook and sat at his desk. Without a willing thought, his hand picked up his pencil and started to write.
The problem with depression is that it is never around when it's really needed. Like when you're at a funeral. You aren't depressed. Just sad. And really, you should be depressed. Because that's all that life boils down to, isn't it? Some nice words from people who didn't truly know you, a wooden box, and a six foot hole. Death is just as pointless as life is, if all either boil down to is a bunch of words, a container and a hole. But why am I even writing about death, depression and the futility of life? Why not just write? This is my journal. I'm supposed to write about my life. Or what occurs in it. But what to write about? If this journal, this notebook, carries everything about my life in it, then my life is pitifully empty. All there is to it is training with the Eva units, struggling through school, fighting with Asuka and trying to get my father's approval. If that's all there is, why not just die? Or go somewhere else. Because really, the only use I have here, in Tokyo-3 is to pilot the Eva and to fight the Angels. But what if I die? In the line of action if nowhere else? What will happen? Will there be people to cry for me, to miss me? I can only believe that there will be. Misato for certain. She is like the big sister that I never had. Always teasing me, telling me to buck up and not be so gloomy. My father, perhaps. But his motivation would only be duty. One of his pilots had died so his obligation would be to express grief or sorrow. At the loss of the pilot if nothing else. Rei? She'd go with my father of course. She'd be there because my father would be there. Asuka? I doubt that she'd shed any tears over me. Especially if Kaji is present. She only pays attention to me when I mess up and she has to take part of the blame or when I actually get some thing right. And what about Kaji? He's a total enigma. But I suppose that's why Misato and Asuka like him. The whole air of mystery thing that's supposed to drive girls wild. Would there be anyone else? Anyone who would truly miss me? Not because I'm 'family', or a 'valued pilot,' but because they really knew me and shed tears over that loss? Shed tears over the end of or relationship? I can't say that there'd be anyone. No one. And somehow, that makes sense. And yet I feel dread in my heart. My mind says that no one will miss me or that is there is someone, that their feelings are selfish. My mind says all that, and my heart wishes otherwise. But I can't change reality, so why bother dwelling on it?
Shinji looked at what he had written. He was surprised. He had intended it to be a sort of refutation to what
(asuka)
the author had written. Instead he had this. And if what
(asuka's)
the author's reply was a guide to go by, then
(she)
would jump all over this. Probably write six pages worth. Shini sighed, shut the book, turned his desk light off and got ready for bed. His last thought before he entered the Sandman's realm was
I wonder what her face will look like when she reads this?
The day was full. Full of school, training, commands, mistakes and homework. But Shinji, tired as he was, was filled with a sort of insane dreadful excitement at what might be in his journal. He opened the door to the condo and headed straight for his room. But when he opened it, he didn't see an empty room with his journal open or closed. What, or rather who, he saw was Asuka. An irritated, close-to-crying Asuka. She walked straight up to him and punched him hard on the jaw, then swept out of the room. Shinji, pain making his head spin sat on the floor and wondered. Wondered why she had said what she said. She had called him an idiot. Since his head was starting to clear, he stood up, albeit slowly, and lurched his way to his desk. Sure enough, his journal was closed, just like he had expected. He turned to the page he had written the night before. There was nothing. Frowning, he turned to the next page. Then he sat down. For the second time in the same day, he was stunned. The reply was simple.
If you die, I'll care!!