AN:
John/Rogue/Bobby. The whole sequel thing (with Bobby) was Jo-Anne's
idea. Much thanks to Tatiana who helped me out tremendously
on this story and helped me finally get the chance to answer my own
Then/Now Challenge. She's the reason I even looked at this story
again after 8-ish months. I had a Romy(Remy/Rogue) Now/Then story I
read on a long time ago that disappeared off and she
found it! This is my tribute to it(b/c it ends the same way). Since yesterday was Heather's (crazyforhorses) BIRTHDAY, this is her present!
No
flames please. They don't really help in any way, but to piss
people off. Constructive criticism is good.
Disclaimer: I own the X-Men. And I'm making lots of money off of this. Millions (a day) that I'm NOT giving to Marvel or Fox.
Rift
Now
Rogue stumbled into her bed, memories and thoughts swirling painfully through her head. She sobbed uncontrollably, her breath ragged, as they tried instinctively to push her back to make room for themselves. She fell to her knees on the ground, doubled over on the floor, her fingernails sinking into her scalp. Why had he done that? Why had he kissed her? The sobs racked her body, the thoughts and memories ripped away at her mind.
She could hear him so loud in her mind, screaming, panicking. She tried forcing him down, yelling at him, trying to calm him, pleading with him. None of it worked. Until finally John came forth from beneath the flow and helped her. He knew how this went, he could help her. She could tell that his anger had all but subsided as he helped calm Bobby down.
Her sobs became softer, her breathing still uneven but smoother, the excruciating pain subsiding. She tried to thank him, but it still hurt too much. She climbed into the bed and pulled the covers over her body, too exhausted to change out of her clothes.
Then
He eyed her from across the library, taking her in with his eyes. She hadn't yet noticed him staring at her from his table. She was too absorbed in whatever work she was doing to notice him studying her. He had made her sit next to him in Jean's class earlier after he had found her down the hall by herself a second time; this time with tears in her eyes. It was then that he'd been convinced that there was something wrong. So when she had bolted from class to the library, he followed her.
He knew Rogue could hear John and Jubilee arguing, but she hadn't even raised her head in acknowledgement of their yells. They were disturbing everyone around them, and apparently they didn't care. She sat still across the library, ignoring them. Jubilee got up from the table, yelling at John as she grabbed her stuff and left. She was angrier than Bobby had ever seen her before. She looked like she wanted to kill John, who was now glaring silently at her, refusing to respond to her or chase after her. Bobby wondered what had happened between them so soon. Just yesterday John had told him that he and she were dating. From what Bobby had just heard, it was John's fault that things were messed up so quickly. He shook his head, not surprised at all.
When he glanced back at Rogue, she was shaking her head and saying something. She probably thought it was as pathetic as he did. She looked at John and said something more, a smile on her face. John stared at the book in front of him, angrily tapping his pencil against the table. He didn't show any signs of hearing her. Was she talking to herself?
He glanced at John, wondering if he should go talk to him. John's anger was almost tangible. Bobby turned back to Rogue, but she was working again. He still wanted to talk to find out what had been the problem earlier. He stood up, gathering his things, and walked towards her table.
Now
Her tears had stopped, the sobs had faded into nothing, but the pain was still there. They were fighting. Over her. Over themselves. They both wanted what the other wanted, but they couldn't both have it. She couldn't think, she couldn't sleep, only listen, and they wouldn't listen to her. They didn't understand how much pain they were causing her. She wanted it to stop, but she didn't waste anymore tears.
John's disgust had turned to fury. That Bobby thought John would step aside and let him change everything amused him. That he thought he could change the relationship John had with Rogue infuriated him. He wasn't going to change anything. He wanted to kill Bobby for touching her. For doing this to her. Bobby didn't even have any remorse over what he'd done. He was in her head now, and he use it to his advantage, to make her his. John wasn't going to let it happen. Ever.
He was in her head. He knew everything that had happened between her and John, what was happening, but he wasn't going to let that stand in his way. It wasn't too late for him. He had a chance now. Rogue didn't even want to be with the John, and he understood why. He could not keep a relationship for more than a day with Jubes, how was he going to stay with Rogue
She listened to every word they said, her only option hoping that they'd stop. She wasn't powerful enough to make them stop. It wasn't just her head anymore. She could only laid in bed, the sheets clenched in her hands, her eyes vacant and staring at nothing, while their voices echoed through her skull. When they figured it out that neither one of them would back down; they'd realize that only she could give them what they wanted.
Then
He was a few feet away from her when she looked up, alarmed. It threw him off a bit that she always looked so scared. What was she afraid of? Maybe she was still perturbed after Stryker's attack. Not all the students had taken it well, though he had never thought she was one of those students. But then he didn't actually know; he hadn't really talked to her since then. She looked in front of her quickly before she turned back to him.
"Hey, Rogue," he greeted her as he dropped his books at her table and sat down. She responded quietly, unease still on her face. He didn't see why she was so nervous around him. She looked in front of her again, and he raised an eyebrow perplexedly, not understanding what she was looking for. There was no one else there. Was she looking at John?
Rogue had been speaking to John when Bobby had interrupted them. She knew it didn't matter if they were caught now, that no one would know or understand what was going on, but she was still uneasy about it. Especially with Bobby, who suspected there was something going on or 'wrong' as he thought. She couldn't help but look at him though she knew Bobby couldn't see him.
"Rogue, I'm kinda worried about you," Bobby started. Her brow furrowed in confusion. "You've been acting weird. You don't talk to John and me as much as you used to. Like you've been avoiding us."
She looked down at her things on the table before she turned to him, guilt written all over her face. She glanced into his eyes before and then quickly ahead again before she averted them to her books.
Bobby glanced at John, wondering why she kept looking in his direction. Did she like him? He thought about asking her and decided against it. She grown so withdrawn from the both of them, she probably would not see any reason in telling tell him. He turned back to her, "Sad, huh?" She turned and looked up at him curiously. Her eyes met his.
"I mean they lasted a day before they had a huge fight. She probably broke up with him, and he probably doesn't care," he told her. She glanced at John before turning to look at Bobby inquisitively. He could tell he'd touched on something. He could see it on her expression. She was thinking it over.
John was telling her that this was it, that Jubilee had dumped John, that what had happened last time wouldn't happen this time. Rogue tried to ignore him. She told him it wasn't the right time anyway. What was she going to do, get up and walk over to him now? She looked at John sitting across the library. He looked so angry.
"I guess," she shrugged, her eyes on her fingers as they toyed with the corner of her book. She wanted to say something. He saw her open her mouth, but she closed it. He hoped the reason wasn't that she was not comfortable talking to him anymore. They had drifted apart, but they hadn't severed ties. He knew the rift was repairable.
"Rogue, what's wrong?" Bobby asked, concern in his voice. He wanted to know what had been bothering her all this time. Why she had drifted from him. Why they barely talked. Why she avoided him. She stared at him impassively, and he questioned the chances of her even answering him.
"Nothing's wrong," she answered before closing her book. He tried to read her expression. There was a mixture guilt, discontent and weariness. She gathered her things and stood up. She couldn't leave yet. They hadn't even had a decent conversation yet. Bobby stood with her, surprised that was she leaving. He had not meant to run her off. Had he gone too far?
"Wait! Where are you going?" Bobby asked. Bobby's voice averted John's thoughts from the fight he'd just had with Jubilee. He looked up to see Bobby and Rogue standing at a table across from his and talking. Bobby looked confused. Rogue responded, and John could see that she was avoiding looking into his eyes. Bobby blocked her way when she tried to walk around him. John raised an eyebrow inquisitively. Was something happening that he should know about? Rogue glared at Bobby's chest before finally walking around him. When Bobby let her, John knew it wasn't serious. John watched her walk away, noticing the sorrow in her eyes when turned to look at him in the eye. Had they been talking about him? He turned and looked at Bobby, who was looking back at him, an expression of defeat written over his face.
Bobby followed Rogue's gaze as she turned around, where it landed once again on John, who was looking back at her. What was there between the two of them? He knew they had grown distant, too. He had let her go, knowing he had no way of making her stay. He wished she'd given the chance to tell her how he felt, but he was not going to force her to stay and talk. John turned and looked at him, eyebrows raised inquisitively.
Now
"What was that back there?" John asked Bobby, closing the door behind him as he entered the room. He tried to keep the anger from his voice, but it seeped through anyway. He was ready for his explanation now. Ready to know why Bobby had been so eager to get rid of him when he'd done nothing. He knew Bobby hadn't been trying to make him mad or at least that he said he wasn't, but John was pissed anyway. Bobby for some reason had gotten the idea that he could command John around today.
"What?" Bobby asked, distracted, still thinking about Rogue's reaction. It had not been what he'd expected at all. She pushed him away so fast, moving away, yelling at him, crying, running into her room and slamming the door behind her. He felt the pull; it had brought him to his knees, allowing her to get into her room and lock him out. He'd felt like a part of his soul had been taken, like he needed to catch more than his breath. His life had just been drained, and all he could think about was why she hadn't wanted him to touch her. He didn't even know why he'd done it. There was the look on her face. She'd finally loosened up enough to give him a smile. Barely visible, but he'd caught it.
"In the game room when you told me to go away out of no where," John answered. Bobby looked pale and exhausted. Immediately he knew he had touched Rogue. He remembered the feel of Rogue's touch on Bobby's front porch back in Boston. But he felt no sympathy for him as he narrowed his eyes guessing how the touch had taken place. It was highly unlikely she'd touched him. He began to ask him about it, but Bobby answered him first.
"Nothing. I just wanted to talk to her alone," he answered laying down. John watched him. Wanted to talk to her alone. They hadn't talked alone after Bobby had sent him away. Bobby had barely gotten a word out of her. Bobby pulled her around the game room and she'd followed. John had had no problem reading her expression of disinterest. He wished he'd stayed.
Then
"When's the last time you talked to Rogue?" Bobby asked John. John looked up at him from his bed, an arm behind his head. He wondered if this had anything to do with what he'd seen in the library. He furrowed his brows in thought. It'd been awhile since he'd really talked to Rogue. They didn't really talk too much anymore. He remembered she'd sat next to him today during Scott's class. She'd smiled and said hi, but he couldn't remember the last conversation they had had.
"I don't know. Today, when I found the two of you around the corner?" he answered. Bobby glared at him. John guessed he had answered incorrectly. Bobby was acting edgy since he had come into the room, since he had talked to Rogue. John wondered what had been said. He wondered if it had anything to do with their being around the corner together alone in the first place. He remembered how Bobby had draped an arm around her shoulder on their way to class afterwards. They couldn't have been dating. They never talked before, and Bobby would have told him.
"You didn't even say anything to her," Bobby responded accusingly. John furrowed his brows in perplexity. "You didn't say anything to Rogue when you found us. You didn't even say hi."
John narrowed his eyes and stated defensively, "I'm not ignoring her or anything. I said hi to her when she sat next to me in class before. She turned away from me like she didn't want to talk to me."
He knew it was a weak excuse, but it was the truth. He knew how to take hints from people. She hadn't wanted to talk. He could sense it. So he didn't talk. "Why? Is something going on between the two of you? Kinda looked like it the way you had you're arm around her when you left."
Bobby was taken aback for a moment. "...No."
"… Did Jubes say anything to you?"
Bobby glared harder. "About you? Unless I misheard the screaming competition between the two of you in the library, Jubes broke up with you. So I don't think she's going to be asking me about you anytime soon," Bobby replied with a tinge of contempt in his voice. John glared at him and looked away, not bothering to reply. Bobby was in a bad mood. John didn't need his attitude. Bobby sat on his bed, placing his things on the floor, and lay down, staring at the ceiling. Rogue probably wouldn't come out of her room again today at any time he could run into her.
"We used to be closer. All of us. I'm just worried about her. You probably haven't noticed how she's been acting since the attack." The accusatory tone crept back into Bobby's voice. "You don't care."
"Don't even try with the guilt trip, alright? I have noticed. What am I supposed to do about it though? Yeah, we did used to be closer. I don't know what happened. After Stryker, it just changed. She's different now, but who isn't? It's different for us probably only because we're roommates." John defended. "What have you done?"
Bobby sighed guiltily and closed his eyes. Nothing. He'd been there the entire time the rift between them had grown, and he'd done nothing. He had contributed to it as much as they had; he was one third the blame. He'd been stressing over himself and his family, but it didn't matter because he'd do something about it now.
"Is there something between the two of you?" Bobby asked John. Why had she kept looking at him in the library? Had John been keeping something from him? That was the last thing he wanted to hear. That he was the odd one out. That the rift only existed between Rogue and him.
"Who? Rogue and me? No… why would there be?" John asked now confused. Bobby had pointed out with disdain that he hadn't talked to Rogue in forever. Why would there now be something going on between them?
"…Just wondering," Bobby answered.
Now
She was avoiding him. Rogue was avoiding him. He'd called her name when she entered the classroom, signaling for her to sit next to him, and she'd ignored his call and walked to the other side of the classroom. After the initial shock, he picked up his things and went to sit down next to her. She fidgeted uncomfortably as he sat down. He knew she was thinking about last night.
"Hey, I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't know-" he started. John sat down on the other side of Rogue, interrupting him, a smile on his face. Bobby's brows furrowed in bafflement. What was he doing? Did John need to talk him or something?
"Hey, Rogue. Long time, no speak," he greeted her, a grin on his face. He gave Bobby a nod, "Bobby."
She stopped fidgeting and stiffened, her expression one of confusion and disbelief. She almost didn't believe this. Her John couldn't believe this, to him this was a chance handed to her. The imprinted Bobby, who'd been glad that his counterpart hadn't decided against talking to her after what had happened last night, wasn't pleased. They were both talking at the same time in her mind. Both of them telling her what to do and what to say to their real counterparts. Her head started hurting again, a soft humming forming in her ears. She didn't want this at all. She'd been so happy with what she'd had. This wasn't how it was supposed to be! She blinked, trying rid the tears that had already formed.
Bobby started disbelievingly at John, "What are you doing?"
John raised an eyebrow. What was he doing? He was talking to Rogue just like Bobby had said they should. Trying to fix their friendship like Bobby had said they should. Start talking to her like Bobby had said they should. Bobby was the one who had said they'd all been closer before the attack. So what was the problem? What was his problem?
Bobby was getting more irritated with John by the second. Bobby really needed to talk with Rogue right now about what had happened last night. Alone. He didn't need John doing whatever it was he was doing right now. He glared at John.
"I'm talking to Rogue. Do you have a problem with that?" John answered, glaring back. Did Bobby think he was a freaking dog? That he'd do what Bobby wanted, when Bobby wanted it? Bobby didn't control John, and obviously he needed to be reminded of that.
Bobby and John were getting louder, drowning out everything else, taking over her mind, forcing her down again. She felt like she was drowning in her own mind. She couldn't think. She didn't know how much more she could take before she'd start screaming. It'd never been this bad before. She hated it. "Stop!"
They stopped talking. All four of them. It wasn't the volume that she'd used so much as it had been the sob that had followed it. In her mind, John and Bobby had been reminded that they couldn't make the decision for her. It was she who they wanted to be with John or Bobby, not themselves. Whispered apologies floated in her head, she rejected them.
Bobby and John looked at her unsure of what it was they were supposed to do. She pushed her chair back hastily and ran out of the room. Bobby got up and followed her. Only a few had heard her outburst, everyone watched as Bobby followed her out the room. John sighed before picking up his things and hers. He knew Bobby would probably chase her around the school before he figured out that she didn't want to talk. He left.
Then
After classes, he'd make sure she didn't disappear into her room. He'd give his things to John to take to their room, pat him on the back and tell him he'd get over Jubes. John would scornfully tell him where he could go, tempted to drop Bobby's things right where they stood. Bobby caught up with Rogue. He walked with her to her room, let her put her stuff up, and more or less pulled her downstairs, ignoring her angry protests.
Rogue really didn't want to be downstairs. She didn't particularly want to be pulled around the recreational room by Bobby. She wanted to be in her room, spending time with John, but she stayed, hoping that afterwards, he'd think everything was okay and leave her alone.
He escorted her around the rec. room, tried to make her participate. She glowered, and he smiled in response. Every once and a while he'd catch her staring at him with a mixture of confusion and curiosity on her face. He took it as a good sign.
She couldn't figure out exactly what he was up to or why he was up to it, but she knew it had to do with his catching her around the corner.
"Come on, Rogue. You gotta stop acting like you're not having fun," he'd say trying to get her to smile. Then John walked up to them, and Bobby caught the look that crossed her face. She'd averted her eyes from him and narrowed her eyes, whispering something to herself.
"Hey, John?" Bobby asked him, pulling him to the side away from Rogue. "Go away."
Bobby didn't want him messing everything up, whether he meant to or not. Not when he was so close to getting her to feel more comfortable around him. He'd explain it later, but now John had to leave.
"What?" he looked surprised at the least. He hadn't even done anything. His could feel the anger slowly building at Bobby's continuing pretentiousness. "Why?"
"Just do it, please," Bobby asked him. Rogue turned around and watched Bobby pull John away, saying something to him. John looked confused and angry. She wondered what it was he had to say that he couldn't say it in front of her. Were they talking about her? Her John had started up about John again. Suggesting that she go and talk to him.
"I said no. I'm not doing it," she whispered again. Bobby walked back to her alone. Solving her problem, John was leaving. Her John dropped it. Bobby continued where he left off.
Now
Rogue walked down the hallway. Alone. She'd yelled at Bobby to get him to finally leave her alone. She couldn't talk to him right now. She didn't want to hear any of their voices right now. He'd only add to the pain residing in her head. The voices were quiet. They could talk if they wanted, but they knew she wouldn't listen.
The imprinted Bobby could deal with John's anger. He had encountered it when he'd first been imprinted last night, but he hadn't expected hers. He and John had been fighting for her attention in class, trying to tell what to say and what to do, oblivious to the fact that they were hurting her, and she was furious now. She wanted her mind back from the both of them.
Bobby was lost at what to do. He'd only wanted to make her see how he'd felt about her. She didn't want to talk to him. She'd screamed at him, pushed him away. There'd been nothing he could do to make her listen. So he'd left her and walked back to class. When he entered, it had already started. He walked to his seat and noticed that neither John nor Rogue's things were there. He looked around. Jubilee was sitting with Kitty. John was nowhere in sight. Had John gone after Rogue? Bobby turned around and started out the room again.
"Bobby?" Jean called him; he turned around. "Please, take a seat."
Rogue opened her door, remembering that she'd left her things in the classroom. She didn't care; she had to figure out a way to get Bobby and John out of her head. She'd loved him, but now she couldn't handle it. She didn't know any other way to fix things. At least they were quiet now. That's how it would end.
She walked into her room and her breath caught in her chest. John was sitting on her bed. She knew it wasn't her John. It wasn't the one imprinted in her mind. Bobby and John almost started again, she could tell they wanted to, but they didn't. They knew it would get them nowhere.
John watched as she stared at him surprised. He stood up. He was willing to bet it had taken her a while to get Bobby off her back, so he wanted to give her some space, but he wanted to talk to her before he left. He could still see the tears in her eyes. He'd try to make it quick.
"I'm sorry about before. I don't know why Bobby and I were fighting. He said we all drifted apart and he was trying to fix it, so I figured I should be trying, too…. I brought your stuff."
She nodded, accepting his apology, and stepped aside as he walked to the door. He hesitated as he passed her to say something more, a jocular smirk growing on his face, "…Am I still in your head?"
He had no idea how much of her mind he occupied. How much of him she was. She tried to smile, but couldn't find it in her. Not anymore. She nodded. He narrowed his eyes at the almost vacant look in her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," She sat down on her bed and looked at the floor by his feet. He can't get over the look of jaded apprehension on her face as she speaks to him. Like she's ready to give up and let go of something she been holding for too long. He remembered when they were closer, when they could talk so easily, and he wishes it were like that now. He wishes he could change it back. He wishes he could change the look on her face.
"No, you're not." This wasn't the rogue he'd known. She'd been quiet and reserved when she first came to the school, but this was different. And it scared John that he'd been so oblivious to it. "Rogue, what happened?"
She looked him in the eye for the first time, and she could feel the imprinted Bobby and John's anxiety in her mind. She knew what they wanted. She could feel their intangible pleas. She didn't care. She knew what she wanted. "It's different… we're different."
Then
Bobby walked Rogue to her room. He'd known he could get her to relax around him again. He had hated how uncomfortable she'd looked when she was with him in the library. She'd barely been able to look him in the eye. Now he'd managed to make her smile.
"Rogue?" he called. She hesitated and turned from her door, gave him a curious look, wondering if they were even done yet. He didn't really know why he'd called her back. He just hadn't wanted her to leave yet.
"…You had a good time right?" he asked inquiringly. She knew he'd been trying to make her feel better since he'd found her crying, and she appreciated that he cared though at the same time she'd wished none of it had ever happened. She nodded and offered him a weak smile.
And then he was moving closer. A hand reaching startlingly close to her face.
"You won't hurt me," he whispered and before she had a chance to speak, she felt his cool breath, his hand on her cheek and then his lips on hers. Bobby pressed his lips harder against hers, loving the feel of her warmth beneath his. A million thoughts ran through his head. Was she enjoying it? What was going to happen afterwards? Then suddenly he felt the inferno whip through him, followed by the slashing of the glacial wind afterwards. Her eyes went wide with alarm, with fear, and she pushed him away, both of them stumbling away from each other, with shock on each of their faces.
Now
John skipped the rest of class and went to his room after he left. He thought about what Rogue had told him. How he'd been in her head all this time... how they'd been together this whole time. Not him really, but the John inside her head. He was trying to understand it better. They had been 'dating' this whole time, and he didn't know it. And the John inside her head wanted her to be with him, the real John.
And then Bobby had been imprinted, and he'd wanted the same thing. He wanted her to be with the real Bobby, and they were fighting all the time, hurting her every time one of them came near. He realized that when they'd both sat next to her in class it must have been twice as bad. But how was he supposed to fix it? Maybe she needed to talk to the Professor about this. So much had happened in these two days.
Bobby walked into the room, where John was sitting on his bed. "Where'd you go?"
John knew he wanted to know if he'd been with Rogue. He could see it on his face. He didn't want this to turn into a fight.
Bobby stared at John, waiting for his answer. He had calmed down, but he was still angry with John for ruining everything. After he'd sat down, she'd gone from fidgety to sobbing, and he still hadn't gotten to talk to her about last night.
"I talked to Rogue. Bobby, we gotta stop this. She doesn't need-" John started. Bobby interrupted him.
"What the hell where you doing? Were you trying to get back at me or something? I can't beli-" he screamed irately. He knew John what John had been trying to do, and he thought it was childish.
"Get back at you? For what! You think I'd use Rogue to try to get back at you for nothing?" Bobby tried to interrupt him. "Look, Bobby, we're both in her head. And we're fighting because we both want to be with her. They both want her to be with us, but 'I'm' with her and we're fighting over it. It's hurting her. Physically."
"She told you this?" Bobby asked. John narrowed his eyes and locked his jaw in anger. Was that the only thing he cared about—that he'd talked to her? He nodded.
Both in her head? John was still in her head and she was with him? He didn't understand how that could worked. Bobby swallowed. And they were giving her headaches. He didn't know what to think. He knew he was in her head. It hadn't been why he kissed her, but he knew that was an advantage. He looked at John. She'd been with him in her head for that long. She'd bonded with him for that long, and it was probably too late for his presence to make a difference. Did she want to be with the real John? And John? Bobby looked at him.
"You liked her. You're with her… that means you liked her. Do you still?" John met his gaze. He'd have been angry that that was all Bobby could say, except he'd been contemplating the same thing.
John had told her that Bobby and he were trying to fix the rift that had grown between them, and she knew it could never happen if she didn't try, too. She wished she could.
The imprinted Bobby would plead with Rogue. He had never meant for this to happen. He hadn't meant to hurt her, to make her feel this way, to make her want to do this. He had only hoped she'd see how much the real Bobby really liked her. Show her how he felt about her.
John would beg her silently. He'd wish that the real John hadn't waited so long to gain interest in her. He'd wished they hadn't fallen apart. He'd wished she understood that his love was so much stronger for her than Bobby's infatuation. She used to know how much he loved her. He couldn't grasp how she'd forgotten.
Rogue hadn't forgotten. She knew how they felt. She'd known how they all felt, but it was too late and too much. Too late for anything else. She wanted her mind back. She wanted no more of their fighting. No more throbbing headaches. No more not knowing what she desired. She'd miss him. She did love him, but she had to give him up.
Rogue would stand, leaning against the wall, her hand grasping the headrest. She'd taken down the picture hanging on the wall, and left the nail protruding from the drywall. She'd pulled her head forward and let it drop back against the wall onto the head of the nail, feeling the sting. It was nothing compared to the feeling of running out of room for herself in her own head. She closed her eyes, listening to them pleading her to stop. She'd wish they understood. She wished he understood. She wanted to let go of it all.