Breathing Room

Chapter 2: A Coldness

Jack watched the wall from his spot on the ground. The ground was cold and unforgiving. How long he had been there, staring, he couldn't tell, or care.

But it was late morning now. He had gone a full day without his love. A blanket covered him, as he lay on the ground, after a full night of crying. But he felt cold. He felt the cold in his bones, in his skin, and even in his heart.

His face felt hot and sore, and his throat ached. Every movement was sluggish and strained. He thought he knew now what Grace felt like after Nathan. How she condemned herself to the bed, and refused to see the world, after it had treated her so cruel.

But to Jack, it felt ten times as worse. Because it was he himself that brought all of this about.

'Maybe I made the wrong choice...' It fleeted across his mind like a breeze.

'He was so mad.'

Jack buried his face into the blanket, and wondered absently why Will hadn't come over and attempted reconciliation. Or an explanation. He was stubborn like that.

'Maybe I convinced him.'

'Or maybe I made him see. He agrees with me.'

Jack gave a sad little smile and whimpered into the blanket. He felt another fit coming on, and he tried to calm himself down. 'Im not the one for him. I love him so much. It would be selfish to keep him... '

He let out a dry laugh. 'Like I already wasn't selfish. Im just being a chicken. I don't want to face reality. I've been like this forever. Why!' He groaned into the blanket, and sat up.

His eyes were puffy and swollen from crying so much. But for the moment, he cared not about what he looked like. His eyes fell to the floor, where the sunlight spilled in and made a bright rectangle on the carpet.

'He deserves someone better... Im nothing. I've always been nothing...' He wrapped the blanket around himself, even tighter, and considered retreating to the bed.

'No. I deserve the floor.' So on the floor he stayed, not even worrying about work, or his life beyond the apartment.

Will woke up furious. On some level he was full of sorrow. But for the most part, he was mad at everything. In his mind, Jack had no right to make this kind of decision. Weren't they meant for each other? Didn't he know that? Didn't he see that they had a bond nothing could break?

It made him even more mad, that this all happened because of his own decision to have them move in together. Was it so wrong? Was it soon?

No! They had lived together before! They practically lived together now!

Will threw a pillow at the alarm clock, sending it crashing down. He didn't need that thing anymore. In fact ever since he had Jack, he would wake up late. Now that he was alone again, his inner clock would set off on its own.

But Will truly hoped he would need the clock again. He truly hoped he could pick it up and set it again.

Will dressed slowly, his mind numb. He still couldn't believe his situation . He had been so happy. He thought Jack felt the same. He thought it would last forever.

'Is that what Jack is afraid of? Forever? He scowled at that. Perfect. He's still afraid of something real.'

The phone rang.

"God!" Will sighed and pulled on his blazer. He was in no mood for work. He had to deal with negotiations and corporate mergers, but then again, maybe he was in the perfect mood.

"Hello?" He barked as he put on his watch.

"whoah! whoah! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!" Grace chirped on the other end.

"What do you want?"

"Jeez. I just wanted to know how it went yesterday, you know about asking Jack-"

"You told him."

"Okay I told him. It was an accident."

"You ruined everything! Jack's ended it, and Im alone. Are you happy?" Will slammed the phone down and stomped off.

He didn't bother looking in the direction of Jack's apartment. He thought he had a pretty good idea of what Jack did with his night. It was typical of Jack to slide out of one relationship, and then sleep with the first male pair of legs he saw. Will felt tempted to do the same, out of spite though.

What he wouldn't do was cry. He wouldn't. If he did that, it would be admitting that it was over.

It wasn't over. Will would let Jack have his, 'breathing room' and then he hoped that Jack would realize that they belonged together. He hoped.

Karen marched up the hallway, Grace trailing behind her. Despite how much she teased them, Karen did care about her friends. And she cared about Jack and Will's relationship. And with this new turn of events, she couldn't just sit by and let it all go to hell. She had to know what was happening.

And after receiving a call from a distressed Grace, she called Jack. No one picked up, so she knew she had to talk to Will. She pushed open the door to his office, marching up and throwing her purse down onto the desk.

"All right Wilma. What happened?"

"Don't ask me. Go talk to Jack." Will muttered, his face still in his work.

"Will. Please." Grace said, also placing her bag down. Her friend refused to look up.

"Go away."

"Will. We're sorry." said Grace, a truly sad look on her face.

"We? I believe it was you who spilled the vodka!" Karen frowned, inching away from the redhead.

"Come on Will. Tell us." Grace pleaded, and came around to place a hand on her friend's shoulder. He stiffened and still kept his eyes averted. "We're here for you. Aren't we Karen?"

The shorter woman sighed and crossed her arms. "What did my Jackie say Will?"

"He said he needed some 'breathing room.'" Will conceded and sat back, finally bringing himself to look at these two. He was still angry at them, but on some level was glad they came to talk to him. Grace seemed genuinely worried, Karen on the other hand looked skeptical and even suspicious for some reason. "Really. He said he wasn't ready to give me what I wanted. I didn't even ask him about moving in yet, and I guess he freaked out. He hasn't grown, or changed, like I thought."

"Oh Will." Grace sat down on the corner of the desk. "Did he say anything about getting back together, or anything? You know, a possibility of him changing his mind?"

"Well, that's what Im hoping he meant by 'I need some time to figure it out!' Jeez Grace!" Will stood up and walked over to the window. "It just pisses me off you know? I thought he knew me well enough from the beginning, to know that I would want this from him! Why would he drag me around for six months if he didn't see a future? God, the nerve!" Will crossed his arms and restrained himself from shouting.

"You need to suck it up Mary. Lord! the little fairy's only thinking about you!" Karen sighed and began fishing in her purse for her cellphone, to try and reach Jack again.

"What do you mean thinking about me? He's back to being 'selfish, and commitment-free' Jack again!"

"Do you really think that's what this is?" Karen snarled and slapped her phone shut, after receiving no answer. "Because I don't. You need to stop over reacting."

"Over-reacting!" Will stepped up to Karen. "He dumped me Karen!"

"He just needs time. He's never spent more time on anything or anyone before you. Not even Saks 5th! Now if you'll excuse me, Im going to find myself something better to do!" Karen announced, and walked out of the office.

"Do you think she's right?" Grace asked.

"I don't know. That could either be the most, or least sense she's ever made."

Jack watched the Spring clouds creep across the sky. Or what few sky he could see from his spot on the carpet. The buildings all around blocked his view, and his right eye was covered with the blanket. In his left hand, he clutched a notebook.

Every time he felt grief or sorrow, he became an excellent writer. His writings were always from the core of his soul. They weren't pretentious, or works made to impress others. They were outlets, and stress relievers. Whether anyone knew about it, made no difference.

Karen sometimes asked for his stories. And he was glad he had introduced her to them. At least they had some use.

But the things he never liked sharing were his poems. He felt embarrassed by them for some reason. With stories he could fall back with, "It's just a story." But with poems, there came something greater, and he felt like he had more to lose.

He smiled faintly as he remembered Will finding his notebook and reading one of his poems. He had been mortified when he walked in on his boyfriend reading it.

(flashback)

"What are you doing!" Jack shrieked and tore the notebook from Will's hands.

"I was just reading it. What's wrong?" Will laughed and watched with amusement as Jack stuffed it back in between his mattress.

"Those shouldn't be allowed to see the daylight." Jack sighed and patted his bed with a touch of finality.

"It was very good."

"Christ Will, let it go." Jack walked to the fridge for a drink.

"Why?" Will whined, and smiled at Jack in a teasing manner. "I liked it."

"Sure." Jack shook his head. "Remind me to never let you clean my apartment again."

"Oh come on. I know every inch of this place! I can't believe I never knew that you wrote stuff like that."

"There's plenty you don't know, sweetheart."

"I highly doubt that." Will came up behind Jack and wrapped his arms around his torso. He kissed him on the temple and smiled. "Come on, why don't you write me something, sometime." He placed a few more kisses on the side of his face.

"Hm. I might." Jack smirked, not really certain about sharing that part of himself with Will yet.

"That'd be very nice. And romantic." Will smelled Jack's hair and sighed happily. Jack turned around to face him.

"Really? You don't think it would be cheesy? Or stupid?" Jack asked seriously.

"Of course not." Will blinked and was almost humbled by Jack's sudden display of modesty. He never got to see Jack this uncertain and shy.

"Alright. I'll write you something. And only if you write something for me too."

"Okay." Will grinned. "Deal."

Jack smiled devilishly. "But for now I want something else from you."

Will chuckled, and was happy to oblige with what Jack had in mind.

(end of flashback)

Jack never got around to writing that poem. All of a sudden he felt weepy again. He had no idea he was still capable of crying. He hadn't eaten or drank anything. He had confined himself to his blanket on the ground.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

He didn't feel like getting up. Not for anyone or anything. Maybe if it was Will he would. But Will had a key. He had no need to knock. Jack buried his face into his blanket.

"Poodle!" A high-pitched squeal. Jack blinked once and lifted his head. Karen opened the door. Strange. He didn't recall giving her a key.

Karen looked around and stilled when she saw Jack on the floor next to the bed, wrapped in a blanket like a cocoon.

"Oh Jackie." She sighed and looked on with a sincere sadness in her eyes. She closed the door shut behind her and slowly made her way over to her friend. "How ya feeling poodle?"

"Wonderful." Jack croaked from beneath the blanket.

"Well. You look terrible." Karen said and crouched down beside him. "Have you been worming around like that all day long?"

"No. I've just been here." Jack sighed.

"Come on." she tugged at the blanket. "It's time to get up and wash ourselves."

"Oh Karen. Im not in the mood for one of our dirty showers." Jack groaned and held fast to his blanket. He was still freezing.

"No silly. We need to wash you! Then we'll go out and drink ourselves a little happy!" Karen smiled and tugged at the blanket again.

"No. I want to stay here." Jack whined.

"Fine. At least wash yourself sweetie. I'll make us some drinks and we'll have ourselves a little girl talk! Okay?"

Jack sighed, truly wanting to stay where he was. "Alright."

"Good. How does leche sound?"

"Fine." Jack uttered and staggered over to the bathroom.

Grace sat with Will in her office, chewing away at some donuts. Nothing cheered them up like Krispy Kreme. Even in the middle of the day, it was the perfect thing. Will stared off into space, once again drawing inward.

Grace looked on in sympathy. She knew what he was feeling. In fact she could replay this scenario three times over in her mind. This happened to them too many times.

Grace could still feel the pain from Leo. It was like a deep wound that had yet to have its stitches removed.

"We belong together. Don't you think?"

Grace blinked. "No Will. You're ga-"

"Not you and me dumbass." Will laughed. "Me and Jack."

"Oh. Well. I always thought you wanted someone exactly like you. But that never works. If I could think of someone as your perfect opposite, it would be Jack."

"Yea. That's what I thought too. You think that's why Jack is nervous, because we're too different?"

"I think he's just scared of something this real. He's never had anything like this. Ever." Grace said solemnly, and suddenly she felt her heart go out to Jack. He must be really confused, feeling a love so heavy and true, feeling it all become so real, he probably didn't know what to do. He probably had self doubts, feeling inadequate, and incapable of making a committed relationship work.

Grace hoped Will considered these things. "Jack is really different Will. Did you really picture a future with him?"

"Of course I did!" Will took a sip of his coffee and smiled. "I could see us getting married. Having married couple fights. Making up in the married couple way."

Grace giggled. "Marriage? Jack? That's hard to picture."

"Not for me. Despite what you think, I know that he would take a marriage seriously, if he was only more sure of himself." He sighed and tossed his empty cup of coffee in the trash, making it in.

"Did you see kids?"

"Sure. But not that clearly. I mostly pictured the marriage part." Will's eyes glazed over. "I remember him saying he wanted to be with me forever."

"We all say that at one point. It's not exactly a marriage proposal." Grace said.

"I know." Will remembered it differently though.

(flashback)

"I love you Jack." Will said softly, looking up at the ceiling.

"Me too." he murmured lowly.

"What?" Will smiled.

"I said I love me too." Jack grinned as well and began tickling his boyfriend. Will wriggled around, making loud sounds of protest. He didn't really like being tickled.

"Stop! Jack!" He laughed and pushed Jack's frisky hands away. "Stop it! Jackie. You know I don't like that! God, now don't do it again or I'll leave."

"Nooo!" Jack wrapped his arms around Will and buried his face into his shoulder. "I want to be with you forever and ever!" He snuggled up to his boyfriend and made a contented little sound.

"Forever?" Will questioned, stroking Jack's back.

"Forever." Jack kissed his boyfriend and sighed sleepily.

Will smiled and kissed Jack on the forehead. 'Forever and ever!'

(end of flashback)

"Forever and ever." Will murmured and jumped off of his chair to head back to work.

"Jackie, you smell much better." Karen said with approval as she stirred the sweet milk into the Kahlua.

Jack smiled wanly and sat down on the sofa. Karen walked down to hand him his drink. He took it and sniffed it a bit before taking a sip. He never could handle his alcohol very well. He tended to get drunk very quickly. It was a wonder that Karen and he were the best of friends.

"Im such a hole." Jack muttered bluntly, and heaved yet another sigh.

"What do you talk?" Karen scoffed. "Its all Wilma's fault. Always was." She took a hefty swig. "Always keeping you locked in the house. Never letting you see the daylight! Wanting you all for himself! And the only way you could ever speak to me was by letting your hair down from the window!"

"Karen. That's not me." Jack smiled. "That's Rapunzel!" Jack laughed briefly, before sipping thoughtfully at his leche.

"My point is, that this is Will's fault. He obviously did this to the both of you."

"No Karen. I did this. I told him I needed time."

"What do you need time for poodle?" Karen asked.

"I don't know. Sometimes I think we're not meant for each other. Like, I would screw things up for him. I know he wants a real future. I don't want to disappoint him."

"Jackie. You are disappointment embodied! I don't know why you're worried about Wilma."

"Karen. Im serious." Jack sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to be with him?" Karen asked.

"Yes."

"Then be with him! Lord, you gays have to complicate everything!" Karen rolled her eyes.

"Kare. I want him to be happy. I don't think me being with him would make him happy, in the long run." He glanced down at his drink. "We're too different. I would wreck things. Just like I always have."

Karen smiled patiently and walked over to the kitchen to refresh her drink. "Jackie, here let me show you something."

"Kare. I already know how to prepare a drink." Jack whined.

"Look. This is Will." Karen held up the Kahlua. "Bland. Hard. Has a good kick to it. And though I don't mind downing it alone, it desperately needs something else."

Karen then lifted the sweet, alcohol laced milk. "This is you. Now when you drink this by itself, it's a party. But when you put it here..." Karen poured the milk into the cup halfway filled with Kahlua. "...it's the best drink, and gets me through one of Grace's stories about her mother." Karen took a large drink and sighed happily.

"Karen. As much as I appreciate that," Jack began.

"Didn't you get the story at all?" Karen said, exasperated. "You are completely different. But in that way, you're perfect. As chaotic and irresponsible as you think you are, Will is ten times as boring and uptight. It's meant to be!"

"I wantto leave it up to Will."

"He always makes the decisions after all." Karen said.

Jack groaned in impatience. "But that's just it! I don't want to depend on him all the time! I want to be good for him! God!" Jack threw himself on the sofa and sighed. "I want to be with him so bad. But only if he thinks Im ready."

"Tell him."

"Im not very good at explaining it to him that way."

"Well, in what way are you good at explaining?"

"I want him to know how I feel. But I want him to know he has a way out. You know?"

"Jack. None of this makes sense." Karen looked at her drink. "I need another one. Maybe it'll make sense then."

Jack smiled slightly at his friend. His eyes fell to the notebook on the ground. He thought about all the times he and Will told each other secrets, that they loved one another, that nothing could tear them apart.

"I don't want to be alone." He whispered and sat down again. "But I don't know if Im the right one for him."

"Poodle. Once the Kahlua and the milk become leche, there's no going back." Karen said and refreshed her drink for the third time. "I wouldn't have it any other way."