Breathing Room
Chapter 3: Wishing
A week had passed. One week of breathing in a room too cold for him. One whole week of pain filled looks as they crossed each other in the hallway. A whole week of the both of them being angry at the same person.
The sweet breeze of late Spring was not present. Only when one wants to feel such a thing, does he notice it. After all, it was Manhattan. There weren't rows and rows of cherry blossom trees, or fresh orchids or anything. There weren't meadows or gardens here. It was a bad place to be, in such a condition.
The both of them were miserable. Knowing they needed each other, but not knowing what the other wanted.
Karen and Grace almost gave up on trying to cheer up their friends. As much as Jack loved Karen, he got no fulfillment from shopping. No pleasure from hitting a club. And despite Will's beliefs and assumptions, he stayed away from brisk and meaningless affairs to ease his pain. He would not wound his chances of getting back with Will.
'I want him to be happy.'
Jack had a bag of clothing packed. He would stay with Karen for a little while. The pain of seeing Will, and knowing he was there, was too great.
But before he left he had to do something.
Jack stared down at his notebook, the blank page mocking his loneliness. But he decided to write. He wanted to let Will know, how he felt.
He wrote the poem he promised Will.
Will was cleaning out his room, wiping every surface, scrubbing every corner. It was his own way of dealing. His mind was fully occupied. He failed to notice Grace coming into his room and sitting down on the bed.
"Hey."
Will shrieked, bumping his head on the table he was 876cleaning the legs of.
"What are you doing here" He asked and crawled out.
"Just getting your mail for you." Grace said and looked at him. "Jack's left."
"Where" Will crossed his arms.
"He's going to stay with Karen a couple of days."
"Oh." Will said, relaxing. He was glad Jack wasn't running away completely.
"He left something for you." Grace said softly. She looked down at the pile of mail and pulled out a thin, rose-colored envelope. On it; For Will. (Don't read it Grace!) was written.
Will took it gently, pondering on what it could possibly contain. He felt it in his hands, afraid that if he went into it too quickly, he'd tear it. He looked at the seal and tilted his head.
"You read it, didn't you" Will asked Grace.
"Honest I didn't." She held up her hands. "Aren't you gonna open it"
"I don't know. What could he possibly have to tell me that he can't say in person"
"Open it" Grace pushed, and came up around him. "Come on! Come on"
"Grace" Will sighed and walked into his bathroom. He locked the door, leaving a whiny redhead on the other side.
"Will! That's not very nice"
Will tuned her out and opened the envelope by tearing the side off. He removed the folded paper inside. As he looked at the piece of writing in his hand, he got a feeling of what it was. Unfolding it, Will sighed with personal pleasure as his assumption was proved correct. Written in surprisingly beautiful handwriting.
It was a poem.
A piece of Jack that he had never seen before.
He didn't want to read it all at once, and especially not with Grace pounding away at the door. He would save it for later.
I never tried to keep track of how long
it's been since we met.
But I feel like spending time with you
In a day giving into nightfall,
You always finally call;
"Lets meet there now."
I am saved by those words.
Will placed the paper on the desk, considering these first words, and stopping short when Karen walked in. He stuffed the poem into his briefcase.
"Hello Karen." Will smiled a small smile.
"You know why Im here don't you"
"Yes. And the answer is no. I can't and won't force Jack to move in with me."
"Why not" Karen whined, flopping down onto a chair. "The girl is depressing me to tears Wilma. She's always moping around the place, and refusing to beat the cook with me."
"Really" Will asked with interest; this was the first information he had gotten about Jack from Karen.
"Yes, he's a mess. And Im blaming this on you."
"ME? Why" Will's voice went up.
"Hello! You ruined this all! Always prancing around and saying; 'Jack move in with me!' 'Jack marry me!' 'Jack, let's make a baby together!'"
"I didn't pressure Jack with any of those things. He needs to grow up. And he knows this."
"If you weren't a gay, I'd hit you" Karen said and prepared to leave.
"He needs time Karen. That's what Im giving him. That's what he wants, right"
Karen sighed. "Right." She looked at him curiously. "What was it that you were reading before I came in? Was it the letter from Jack"
"Uh, yea. Im not done reading it yet."
"Taking your time eh? I wonder why people do that."
Maybe its because I've had a lot of experience
with this sort of thing; so much that its mysterious
I can sense you near me
Will tilted his head, a bit astonished at how the poem was turning out. At times it sounded as if Jack was singing these words. At others it sounded like he was speaking them. But most of all, it sounded like a message, or a letter, something for him to seriously consider.
Im sorry for always depending on you
Its just that I can't do anything myself
More than anybody, Im hoping that the
dream you formed in your heart comes true
That you can be happy with the person you love
It was simplistic. But deceptive in that manner. Candid, but unrevealing of the real Jack, and who he truly was.
Will finished the poem. And re-read it. And re-re-read it.
He understood every single word in the poem, every meaning, and yet he still could not grasp Jack's meaning.
"Im sorry for always depending on you." Will quoted as he looked up at the ceiling. His heart clenched in his chest. Did Jack really think he was a hindrance? Now? When Will wanted him the most?
"When I say it aloud, it's as if he's talking to me." Will said to himself. He looked at the letter again. He lied back on the sofa, trying to realize what he himself wanted in Jack.
He was always certain of his own wants, until now. The radio hummed beside him. It was on the same radio station that Rosario had left it on a couple of weeks ago, when she was left to cook the group an Easter dinner. Will liked Latin music so he kept it on.
Ironically enough, 'Corazon de Poeta' was playing.
Will had never associated the song with Jack, until now. He translated it in his mind and sighed with love.
'He has an expression, soft like a flower. His voice, like a bird.'
'Like a boy, and yet capable'
'He has the arrogance of the sun, and a candid look.'
'Skin like snow, which creates a fire in me.'
Will switched the stereo off and lifted his head. He never realized how much about Jack was special to him. Every wrong thing, every right thing; he wanted it for himself. He wanted Jack as he was, as he wanted to be.
His heart swelled with love and longing, and he watched the ceiling fan go round and round.
When all the things I had been storing up for so long
Came flowing out;
You cried with me, by my side
And we laughed
Will watched the ceiling fan, thinking about those words, and where they stemmed from.
The time spent in California. That night in his apartment when he lost it, and something else came flowing out.
When Jack said it was okay, when it wasn't. Where it set everything into motion and made them hurt so much with love.
A love that made one ill.
Did they laugh?
They did later. After they were finished, and resting comfortably in the rental car. They laughed and laughed at their good fortune; for finally realizing they saw something in each other.
As countless as the stars;
we would meet and then part
At the time I lost more than I gained,
But it's different now
"What did you lose Jack" Will asked aloud, pausing and hoping for a response.
Will's eyes misted and all the anger he felt at Jack, began to lessen. Only now a deep and tangible sadness filled him. There was still so much he had to learn about his love, and he failed to take the time to consider all the confusion and self-doubt Jack must be feeling.
Will clutched a pillow.
Weren't they careless and wild a few months ago?
(flashback)
Jack laughed, and kissed Will on the mouth. "We can't keep doing it this way" He said breathlessly and winced as his boyfriend pulled the belt from around his waist.
"What? What way" Will whispered.
"You know, right after work! We're both tired! And Grace could come home" Jack protested, but kept unbuttoning Will's shirt.
"Well. Grace is always talking in the night, I hardly get to creep over until after Conan, or Last Call, and Im usually more tired then. Ever listen to Grace's talking moods? They go on and on. I'd rather watch you act than listen to her..."
"Hey" Jack frowned, slapping Will lightly on the face. "Don't kill the moment billy boy, or you'll be back over there listening to Grace and Karen"
There was a noise at the door, and they froze.
"Sh. what's that" Will looked at Jack. "Who could be coming over"
"I don't know. Did you lock the door" Jack asked.
Jack hurried into the bathroom, as Will hastened into his clothes. The door opened and Karen stood before him, smiling and drunk.
"Hey there Will. Where's my Jackie" She looked in, completely oblivious to the chaos that had been taking place a few seconds ago.
"He's in the bathroom." Will breathed and tried to be casual about drinking some water.
Karen began sniffing. "What's been going on here? I smell lust"
"Well, Jack is present... " managed Will, still shaking with unfulfilled need.
Karen nodded. "Ah, that's right."
Jack emerged from the bathroom, flushed, and a little irritated at being interrupted.
"Jackie, come on. Let's go to the park. I have some bread crumbs I want to throw around for the kids."
"Don't you mean pigeons" Will asked.
"Yea. That's what I said."
"Sorry Kare. Will was helping me with something very important." He pushed her along gently. "Im sure Grace can go along. She has no life after all."
"Oh. She's been so weird lately. Always complaining about her marriage, and Will, you. It's like I told her, 'Jack and Will went up a hill...'"
"Karen! Please, we have some guy issues here! I'll catch ya later honey" Jack smirked, and closed the door. He watched her go into Will and Grace's apartment.
Spinning around he smiled mischievously.
"We really need our own place far away to do this." He whispered and threw himself at Will once more.
(end flashback)
Will heard the door. Grace walked in a small smile on her face. She sat down in the armchair and patted his leg.
"How ya doin' sweetie"
"Im... fine."
"Any epiphanies"
"A little."
"A little" She looked down at the paper on the floor beside the sofa and picked it up. "Wishing? I never tried to" Will snatched the sheet from her hand. "Hey! Let me see it."
"Not yet." Will sighed. "I don't get his meaning yet."
"Hm"
"I mean does he wanna be with me or not? Is he ready or not" Will rubbed his torso and wondered if Jack knew his own meaning?
Was he waiting for him to make the move? Was he leaving it up to him? Letting him know that he would basically always be the weaker of them both.
That he would try to be stronger?
"Jack's been so lost all his life. And I never noticed." Will murmured.
"He was always putting on a front I guess. But on some level I always knew he was the kind of guy who would freak out and doubt himself. It's not that surprising to me."
Will lifted his head. "Well it is to me. I guess I always pictured him as the fearless and hopeful boy I met back then." He turned to see Grace reading the letter. "Grace" He sighed in exasperation and took the letter back.
"I think I understand his meaning." She said thoughtfully.
"What"
"He just wants you to be happy. To take what you want. Whether it be him, or anything else. And that he'll be there helping you, and giving you anything. Whatever decision you make... blah blah."
"How the hell" Will re-read the letter. His insides warmed suddenly. And he understood. "Thanks Grace." He smiled and then broke into a laugh. "He does want to be with me then."
"Isn't it great" she grinned.
"You knew this"
"I had a feeling." She jumped on him and planted a huge kiss on his cheek. "You should go get your man"
"I have to keep my promise first" he stood up and guided Grace out of the apartment. "If you'll excuse me."
"Ugh. Fine. I'll go bother Jack and Karen then."
"Don't say a word."
"I won't."
He turned to the empty apartment and glanced at the ceiling fan, ever spinning. The letter on the ground, which wasn't a letter at all, a Spanish radio station on mute, and the poem going over and over in his head.
Im sorry for always relying on you,
But this time I'll do it myself
The truth is you're not that strong
And I cannot be alone
I only hope that you can laugh with
The person you love so much.
Will smiled to himself. "But Jack. That person is you." And he pulled a sheet of paper from his briefcase, to fulfill his promise.