Breathing Room
Chapter 4: Free and Easy
Sometimes I wonder; how much farther will I have to go?
Jack frowned at the first line and threw the paper down. He didn't want to know about it now. He didn't want Will to reject him like this! With a poem? Was he making fun of him?
Tears sprang to Jack's eyes and he sighed a shaky sigh.
"Poodle what are you doing? Isn't that the letter Will sent you"
"Yes."
"Why aren't you reading it"
"I-I think he's decided to dump me." Jack said softly.
"You only read one line."
"Im scared to read the rest... "
"You're always scared Jack." said Grace, sitting across the room on Karen's sofa. The three of them were in silence.
"I can't read it with you hawks watching" He sighed.
"Fine, go out into the balcony" Karen said.
"Okay. I will."
Jack walked out to the spacious balcony of Karen's apartment. Potted plants swayed toward him in the fresh breeze, as if beckoning him to read the letter. Nervously he gripped the thick sheet in his hands.
'This is worse than talking to him straight up!' groused Jack internally and he looked down at his boyfriend's straight and neat handwriting. It looked so hard and official, but Jack could see beyond it and he knew there was true emotion behind the penmanship.
Sometimes I wonder; how much farther will I have to go?
I hear your voice
"Don't give up" I hear it saying
I remember the words;
"Your happiness is my happiness."
'He remembers that?' Jack asked and had trouble himself remembering.
In Central Park, under an umbrella in the rain, Will had been complaining about the cold, and Jack had said offhandedly.
"Aw don't do that Will. When you're cold, I feel cold"
"And when Im happy"
"Im happy."
A hard and heavy sadness filled him and he kept on reading; amazed once again at his boyfriend's brilliance. 'No matter how good I think I am. He's ten times better.'
If you're tired of denying things now
And you seem as if you're not yourself,
Believe in me
I'll always be here
The proof that you exist is in me
'Wow!' Jack smiled and felt a strange blush coming to his cheeks. All of a sudden he was free of doubt and sadness. It seemed Will did indeed intend to be with him.
Jack looked out at New York and grinned. He liked how simple Will had made his poem; as if mirroring his own. But Will's writing had so much more certainty and determination in it; as if he were relating a story, a lecture, rather than a poem of love.
He could truly see how Will felt now...
it was a strong love.
But it was no longer frightening him.
In this dirty city,
You're the person who gathers up,
And shows me something beautiful
Will had been pondering his message to Jack when he received the phone call from Grace, saying that Jack was on his way..
He jerked himself from his work and closed up his office.
Surely Jack wouldn't meet him there. In this building? Will ran from the office, ignoring the stares and questions...
He raced down the street and hailed a cab...
He had to see Jack. He had to see him, or he'd die.
What he had written. He had meant it all. And though most of the thoughts came to him randomly, he knew there was something there that only Jack could understand, and accept.
That they were meant to be together. That this whole time, they were always perfect for one another, that they would be with each other forever and ever...
And Will remembered Jack while he was in the cab. He remembered how confident and cocky his friend had been when he first met him. How he pushed Will into being who he truly was... almost twenty years ago.
I hear your voice, I hear it saying
"Don't give up"
Believe in me, I'll always be standing here
And Will would always stand by his friend, his love, and keep him from being alone. Whether Jack wanted to or not, they would be together for always...
Wasn't it Jack who Will thought was the stronger one? When this whole time he had been just as uncertain and afraid? And wasn't it Jack who showed him how truly beautiful it was to be who you were, and do this despite fear, not without it.
Because fear would always exist.
He jumped out of the cab and dashed into the elevator.
In this dirty city,
You're the person who gathers up,
And shows me something beautiful,
Jack also hurried. He power walked down the street, skillfully avoiding any collisions with the strangers that streamed past him...
His heart was pounding and he was afraid...
But that's what it was, wasn't it? Being afraid was constant. He only had to conquer this fear and take what he wanted from life. And that was Will. It was all he wanted; to feel safe and loved again, to wake up knowing that the one special thing in your life was right beside you.
Jack opened the door to find Will breathless and excited in the apartment. They had both met in the same place. Who was he to say they didn't belong to each other?
Will waited for no one. Without preamble, he took Jack in his arms and kissed the life out of him. Jack responded with a feverish energy, clutching at the material of Will's blazer. They came up for air, reluctantly enough, and just stared at one another; each amazed at their opposite.
"Im still unsure..." Jack breathed
"So am I."
"I'll always be afraid..."
"I know. Me too"
"But I know I want stay with you."
"Me too." Will held onto Jack. "I want to be with you... "
"Im not that strong."
"You don't have to be. I'll always be here."
"I'll always be here too."
I'll always protect you,
So you never lose that which you've
clutched close to your heart
Sometimes I ask myself, how much farther will I have to go?
Not much farther...