Title: Poison Ivy
Characters: Ed and Al
Spoilers: None, again!
Genre: Humour
Random Note: This, I admit, was written purely for the pun. And the pun is bad. So bad, I probably should have underlined bad, too. And I'm still iffy on my characterization of Ed and Al, because I don't write them often enough. I apologize ahead of time for the horrible fangirl-Japanese punchline.

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Edward and Alphonse Elric plodded through the woods. This had been, by far, the most useless mission the military had sent them on. The village, far off any well-travelled path and practically impossible to find in the middle of all these trees, was rumoured to be the hiding place of one of the greatest alchemists in recent history. He had been Doctor Marcoh's tutor, but had been missing since shortly before the Ishbal war. When they arrived in the place though, they found that the people there, every last one of them, had moved on long ago. All that remained of the small village were a few broken-down houses covered in vines with weeds growing all through the yards. Ed had climbed through them anyway, insisting on searching every last inch for some kind of clue, even though it was obvious there would be none to be found. Al didn't argue with him though. He followed behind, helping his brother lift some of the larger debris out of the way until Ed was finally exhausted enough to give up, cursing Colonel Mustang the entire way back through the woods.

It was several hours before they reached the main road again, and another two before they reached the nearest town. It was easy for a National Alchemist and his brother to get a room on credit, and Ed slept through the night with his brother silently watching.

Early the next morning Ed awoke, throwing back the covers. They were by far the scratchiest covers he had ever slept in. How had he ever fallen asleep last night? Looking around the room, he saw that Al was missing. A note on the nightstand next to the bed told him that Al had gone out to find him breakfast. He walked over to the mirror hanging on the wall and looked at himself. He put a hand through his bangs, attempting to straighten them out. He used his left hand rather than his right – it was a painful lesson to learn, whenever he got his hair tangled in the joints of his automail. Odd… the back of his hand looked redder than usual. He looked down at it. Some sort of rash appeared to have broken out. He scratched it with his right hand, and as he did so suddenly became aware of the same horrible itching feeling on other parts of his body. Near his waist, where his shirt tucked into his pants, around his ankles, every place that hadn't been consistently covered with clothing was itchy. Ed moaned and lay back down on the bed, waiting for Al to return. Itchy!

Al finally came back to the room, carrying a small tray laden with breakfast foods. He smiled, as best a suit of armour can smile, when he saw that Ed was already up.

"You're never up this early, nii-san."

"I know," Ed grumbled. "I'd still be asleep if I wasn't so itchy."

"Itchy?"

"Look!" Ed thrust his hand in front of Al's face, showing him the red blotchy rash that had broken out on it. "Do you think this is some kind of alchemical sickness? What could it be?"

Al paused for a moment, seeming to consider the possibilities. It didn't look like some kind of alchemical sickness, at least. But it would still be a good idea to take his brother to see a doctor. Al sighed inwardly.

"I don't know, nii-san, but we should probably go have it looked at."

Ed scowled, but grudgingly agreed. He didn't like seeing doctors very much, but he could endure it for the sake of ending this itching. He scratched absentmindedly at his side, and groaned as he looked down. It seemed to be spreading.

"Aren't you going to eat something?" Al nudged Ed, trying to stop him from scratching furiously at his sides. "Nii-san, you need to eat. Then we'll go see a doctor."

"Fine."

Ed's tone seemed to be permanently stuck as a grumble this morning. He picked over the plate of food, nibbling only on the things he liked – totally ignoring the small glass of milk in favour of the orange juice. Al still tried, but at least he knew to provide an alternative.

Finally Ed stood and pulled on his coat. He winced as the wool scratched against the rash on his hands, now bright red from his incessant scratching. This was not good. He tried to keep himself from glaring at the coat. It was, after all, an inanimate object. Al led the way out of the hotel and down the small main street. He'd already taken part of the morning to get a feel for the small town, so it didn't take him long to find the doctor's office. This physician also doubled as a pharmacist and veterinarian for the town, and the two were forced to sit in a waiting room full of sneezing children, wailing animals, and bottles of ominous looking pills and liquids. Somehow, the people in the room managed to focus on Al, despite the absurdity of their own surroundings. They chattered back and forth in hushed whispers, and even some of the pets seemed to be speculating on him. He blushed, and tried to avoid eye contact with any of them. Sometimes, at times like this, he'd regret being trapped in this body, despite the sacrifice he knew his brother had made. He missed being able to feel things and not being a spectacle wherever he went. It almost made him wish he could be human again, just so he would be the one with the strange rash.

The doctor finally called them in after many uncomfortable minutes of Ed's itching and Al's attempts to look smaller than he really was. Ed sat down on the stool in the middle of the room as the doctor poked and prodded him, sticking things in his mouth and coaxing him to say "Ahhh." Ed grumbled and complained the entire time, watching the doctor warily, barely complying with what the man asked.

At length, the doctor leaned against the desk in the corner of the room, finally matching Edward's stare. A faint smirk crossed his face.

"Well, I say…" he began in a faintly accented tone. "Have you been in the woods lately?"

Ed continued to glare. Maybe his face was stuck like that now, Al mused. The doctor had slapped him on the back a few times.

"So?"

The doctor let out a good-natured laugh, the kind that all doctors seemed to be trained to do, even the most dire of situations.

"It looks to me, my boy, like you've got yourself a case of poison ivy." He pulled a small book from his desk drawer and opened it to a page near the back, then handed it to Ed. He pointed out a small picture of several types of plants, indicating a small, three-leafed version labelled 'Poison Ivy.' "It's nothing major. I thought most boys your age had had it before, but I guess it was wrong. There's a bottle of cream in the first shelf on the right in the waiting room. It's in a white bottle, that'll stop the itch. Just pick it up on your way out."

The doctor gave another of his good-natured laughs as Al read over Ed's shoulder, then took the book back from Ed's hands and ushered the two out.

As it turned out, Ed was too short to reach the bottle of cream in the waiting room, but Al was quick to pull it down and save Ed the extra embarrassment. He simply glowered and turned a deeper shade of red than he already had been as the two made their way out of the office. When they reached the street, Al began to giggle.

"What is it, Al?" Ed asked.

"I just remembered what mom always used to tell us."

"Oh?"

"When you were running through the fields at home, mom would always warn you about poison ivy, but you never listened. We always forgot what it looked like. But now I know I'll remember." He giggled again.

"What?" Ed was at the end of his temper, the height of the shelves being near the last straw.

"It's simple. One-two-three leaves makes an itchy nii-san."

Ed groaned, and walked faster back towards the hotel.