Hi All! Thanks for reading, and enjoying! I'm afraid this is only getting stupider, but maybe that's not an entirely bad thing. Reviewers, I love you guys, and I'll glorify you as soon as I get a chance!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Sailor Moon, mangled quotes from the Princess Bride, or the Transformers theme song (although my band covered it in high school). Game on!
CHAPTER THREE: the Obligatory Fight Scene
"Ahhhhh! Heeeelp meeeeeeeee!"
Sailor Moon was dangling dangerously over the edge of a cliff!
Tuxedo Mask stiffened in alarm, and quickly hid behind a shrub to assess the situation. He took a deep breath and repeated to himself the mantra his online psychiatrist had developed for him to help confront the negative feelings that sometimes set in during moments like these. "I am not a wimpy-faced cowardly pansy man. It's okay to take some time to assess things," he whispered quietly. "I am not a wimpy-faced pansy man—"
Sailor Moon shrieked again. "These shiny gloves are really slippery! I can't hold on for much longer!"
Tuxedo Mask peeked out from behind the bush. Sure enough, the superhero he had grown to love was hanging from the edge of the ravine, while the other sailor senshi were encapsulated in some kind of energy bubble, suspended in the air. They appeared to be in terrible pain; Sailor Mars was crying, "No, stop!" and Sailor Jupiter was bashing her head against the invisible wall. Mercury, usually alert, appeared to be in some kind of stupor, and Sailor Venus was… taking notes? They were surrounded by what looked like a ring of young children. But where was the youma?
It was time to take action. Tuxedo jumped onto a tree branch and cried, "Ravines are fun places for tourists and important sites of geologic activity! I will not having you messing with the tectonic plates! In the name of formalwear, I will disgruntle you!"
He quickly threw a long-stemmed red rose to Sailor Moon, who seemed perplexed by his speech. "Tec…tectonic…" She brightened when she saw the flower. "Oh, that's so romantic!" she sighed, grasping for it with her free hand. "A flower! Although, tell ya the truth"--she started falling off the cliff, having forgotten to hold on-- "a ladder would have been nice….whoaaaah!" she cried. Her speedy descent was halted and she began floating slowly down the chasm. The rose had turned into a parachute!
The other senshi, still trapped in an energy ball, stared at Tuxedo Mask, speechless.
Jupiter was the first to speak. "Dude. They can DO that?!"
The dashing top-hatted hero smiled. "I've been working on 'em in the lab."
"Sweet!"
They were interrupted by a roaring sound. "Cosmo! Cosmo!"
Tuxedo Mask looked around. "I've been meaning to ask—where's the monster? And what's with the little kids!"
"COSMO! COSMO!"
Floating over the ravine was the most good-looking youma Tuxedo Mask had ever seen. She looked like a tall, leggy, very tanned Swedish supermodel (with blue skin and horns). And she was chanting over and over again her name, which was apparently:
"COSMO! COOOSMOOO!"
A thought began percolating very slowly into Tuxedo Mask's male brain. "Wait a minute… Cosmo, as in Cosmopolitan? That awful girly magazine?!"
The girls in the bubble all groaned despairingly. "Yep," said Sailor Mars. "Apparently that's what she transformed from; some picnickers must have left it by the cliff. She's been giving us personality quizzes for over ten minutes!"
"It's actually very interesting!" Venus chirped, tapping a pencil against her wrist. "According to this quiz, Rei is a psycho-bitch, Lita is a tomboy, times two because of the ponytail, Ami has glasses so she is…" she paused to tabulate a few numbers,"…smart, and I'm… mute!" she smiled.
The girls sweatdropped. "I think you mean 'dumb'," Sailor Mercury said quietly. "And, by the way, why are you here? By my calculations, Sailor Venus isn't supposed to appear until episode number—ouch!" Venus had quickly punched her in the nose. Mercury blacked out for a second.
"And!" cried Jupiter furiously, "this stupid youma has been giving me beauty tips! ME! Can you believe it!?" She flexed an arm and her muscles burst out of her fuku. The other senshi nodded obediently."And embarrassing stories about se… se… sex…." Ami stuttered, and passed out again.
"ENOUGH!" yelled the monster impatiently. "C'MON, I'M BORED!" She pointed at the children-like figures who had been standing menacingly around the senshi all this time. "SAILOR SCOUTS, ATTACK! COSMO!"
"What did she call those things?" said Venus, confused. The children/monsters were wearing little white uniforms and handkerchiefs around their necks. Some had anchors tattooed on their little arms and a few carried slingshots in their back pockets.
"According to my calculations," began Mercury, who had regained consciousness and was hacking away furiously on her mini-computer.
(FLASHBACK: "Where do you always pull that thing from?" Mars had asked once. "My butt." Mercury had replied. Nobody asked questions after that).
The brainy soldier continued to speak: "these are a kind of new prototype-minion that the Negaverse has just released. They are a combination of boy scouts and sailors, probably ex-navy, I would say—they attack using overpriced cookies that appear to blow up….their primary energy source is spinach..." she paused and looked up, concerned. "What's going on? Why is everyone laughing?"
"Hahahahahaha!" Jupiter was rolling around in the energy sphere, little flicks of lightening popping out her ears. Venus was howling with laughter.
"I'm sorry, Mercury, I'm sure they tie really good knots and everything," said Sailor Mars, "but honestly, combining 'sailors' and 'scouts'? On a scale from one to stupid, that's the worst thing I've ever heard! That's pathetic even for the Negaverse!"
She wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh, shoot, guys! My contact lens! It just fell out, does anybody see it? It's violet."
Sailor Venus turned to her, appalled; "you mean, that's not your natural eye color?!"
"Hey, cut me some slack!" Sailor Mars turned to point accusingly at her blue-haired friend. "Besides, Ami-chan dyes her hair with Kool-aid."
"REI! You promised never to tell!!"
"Oops."
Sailor Venus flipped her hair and grinned. "Well, I'm a natural blonde!"
"We'd never doubt you, Minako-chan."
Tuxedo Mask was laughing so hard fell out of his tree. "Ow." He brushed himself off and was met with several sets of pissed-off female glares, most noticeably a pair of one purple eyeand one brown. "Haha, sorry, guys, I'm not laughing at you; I still can't get over the 'sailor scout' thingies."
At this final insult, the pint-sized evil 'sailor scouts' looked at each other sadly. "Word, guys, we don't have to take this!"
"Yeah!" said one of them. "Let's go back to the Dark Kingdom, and play X-Box and junk!"
"YEAH!"
They left.
Mars looked after them almost wistfully. "They were evil, but cute. I wonder where they're going."
"Maybe we can send Chibi-Usa with them," Venus muttered darkly.
The other girls looked at her. "Who's Chibi-Usa?" Mercury asked. Sailor Venus pulled her red bow out of her hair and swung it in front of their eyes. "Uh, nobody. Fooorget….Fooorget….."
"COSMO!"
"Oh, shoot, someone's gotta deal with the stupid monster."
"I'm getting really tired of this…"
"We're still trapped in a bubble…and Sailor Moon somewhere so she's gotta climb back up the cliff or something, so she'll be a while, so that only leaves…" they groaned. "Tuxedo Mask!"
"We're doomed!"
"Maybe he can bore her to death?"
"Mercury! That wasn't nice!"
"Heh heh… tortured genius?"
"Ooo, a poetry slam!"
"Too bohemian."
With injured pride, Tuxedo Mask picked himself off the ground and faced off with the monster, determined to impress the woman he loved (who had parachuted, uh, somewhere) and cement his own self-worth.
"Okay, youma! I challenge you!" he called, in his most imposing manly voice.
"OOOH!" It said, suddenly interested. "A CHALLENGE! YOU MEAN, LIKE, A CONTEST?"
"Uh, yeah, sure! A contest! Like, Monopoly! And the loser will just…automatically be defeated?"
"THAT IS LIKE SO TOTALLY LAME! WE'LL PLAY A DRINKING GAME, AND IF I WIN, THEY ALL DIE AND YOU GET TO BE MY BOYF!"
The girls cringed. "My god," said Sailor Jupiter, "it's talking in bad teen slang…"
'I hate this girly magazine,' Tuxedo Mask thought. But it was too late. "At least it's not 'spin the bottle'" he mused, as the monster cried:
"AIIIGHT, DRINKING GAME TIME!
BY THE POWER OF THE NEGAVERSE, I SUMMON THE STRONGEST DRINK THIS PLANET HAS TO OFFER!"
Tuxedo Mask gulped. His alter ego wasn't a big partier. He was worried.
The air shimmered and suddenly there appeared a table, two chairs, shot glasses, and a big steaming jug of Turkish coffee. Black.
The corner of his mouth twitched. Coffee?! 'Alright, youma. Bring it on.'
(AN: DISCLAIMER #2: The author does not sanction underage overconsumption of caffeinated beverages. It'd stunt your growth and that's no fun, so don't try this at home! Ok, proceed responsibly).
Lots and Lots of Caffeine Later:
"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeahhhhh!" The senshi cheered as Tuxedo Mask downed another shot of coffee. He loosened his cummerbund.
The youma's eyes bulged out of its blue head. "How can you still be alive?! I'm, like, totally shaking, and I've got a migraine, and you're hardly affected at all! What are you!?"
The masked hero grinned triumphantly. "I've spent the last five years building up an immunity to black coffee. Try Motoki's arcade sometime." He hiccupped. "It's good stuff."
At that moment, a very dirty and bedraggled Sailor Moon hauled herself, huffing and puffing, over the edge of the cliff. "Man," she breathed, "it's a good thing I had all that rock climbing equipment stored in my subspace pocketbook," she said. "Did we defeat the evil kids and the Swedish model-thingy yet?"
"Ya know," said Sailor Mars wryly, "you could've just teleported here."
Sailor Moon blinked. "I hate you."
"COsmoooooo....!"
LATER THAT DAY.
Although still tired from the fight, Usagi decided, mostly out of habit, to visit Motoki's arcade. She was limping out of the park and towards the main street when a sleek black car pulled up beside her. "Hey Odango," called a voice from within. "You look kinda shaky. Not that you don't always, klutz."
Usagi peered inside the open car window. "Mamoru-stinky-baka, is that you?" She squinted. "I wouldn't talk! look at you, your hands are shaking like crazy!"
"Yeah, I'm kinda jittery at the moment. Long story. Want a ride?"
Usagi thought for a sec. It was a prettyswanky car but... "I thought you had a motorcycle."
"I do," he said, and he pushed a button under the steering wheel. Immediately two of the tires retracted, the doors and fender constricted, and the car became a motorcycle.
(AN: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!)
"Whoah… awesome! Does it talk?" Usagi stopped, suddenly contemplative. "But wait, how can a struggling med student who can only afford one jacket buy a transforming motorcycle car like that?"
Her eyes widened as she looked at Mamoru. 'Oh my gosh…black hair, gorgeous eyes, expensive gadgets, orphan (although Mamoru didn't know she knew that)… why didn't I see it before?'
Usagi pointed at her arch-rival. "I've figured it out! Don't pretend otherwise, Mr. Superhero! I've realized your secret identity!"
Mamoru was taken aback. 'How could she have figured out my secret identity? It was foolproof! Perhaps she seems ditsy, but it's all an elaborate façade! Perhaps her clumsiness is just a cover that hides her maturity and grace! Perhaps under her easy-going attitude, this girl possesses enough intelligence, strength and dignity to rule the world, nay, a galaxy!' "Let me explain!" he cried.
"Oh, can it, mister. I've just got one question for you," the blonde said victoriously, wagging her finger and moving so close to Mamoru that their noses were practically touching.
"What are you doing so far from New York…BATMAN?!?!"
Or not.
Don't worry, guys, this isn't a crossover. No Batman for us, our Usagi's just a little thick!
Thanks tons to all of my reviewers: Endy's Girl, Sailor Libra, Anon, Starlit Warrior, e-chan16, MoonPrincess, Serenity's MoonWings (neat name), Yunyin, Meg-Of-The-Moon, no one, firebirdflame, Niam-Yay, and Alicia Blade (I'm such a fan!). Please keep your expectations low, and I'll do my best to fulfill them!
And to PixiePam and your brother, Mamoru's Imposible Transforming Car is dedicated to you!
Where's it gonna go next? I think maybe a closet is in order. Romance, anyone? :)