Every SM Lovestory

Ciao, cari amici! After a brief bit of studying, here's an update. My friend's frog died today. He's in our freezer, along with her old hermit crab and some ice cream. Life is very fleeting. So is comedy. So, please enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Scrabble, Sesame St. characters, Bambi, or Sailor Moon, and the movie that pops up later in the fic is not a real movie. Feel free to make it, though!

WHERE WE LEFT OFF:

The elevator rose.

So did a lump, in Mamoru's throat.

CHAPTER SIX: Whoa!! Six Chapters!

After entering Mamoru's apartment, our two erstwhile heroes didn't speak for a long time.

Usagi sat down on a green leather couch, looking around at her enemy's spacious apartment. It was impossibly clean and bare. There were a few picture frames littering the shelves, but as she peered closer, she saw that they were empty. Mamoru noticed her strange expression.

"I don't have many friends," he said gruffly, pacing restlessly in the kitchen as the fiercest storm in Tokyo's history raged outside.

Usagi poked at a couch cushion, which was pristinely covered with seran wrap. "Hey, remember the first time we met?" she asked.

"How could I forget? After you hit me in the eye with that test, I had to get minor retinal surgery. That's why I was wearing a patch for all those weeks!"

"Oh!" said Usagi. "I didn't realize! I guess my pen was crumpled up in there, too. With the eyepatch, I thought you were just trying to be extra-grumpy." 'Or extra sexy and mysterious,' whispered her brain. She shook her head embarrassedly.

Mamoru guffawed from the kitchen. "Wow. You really are as stupid as you look."

Immediately, the sprinklers in Usagi's tear ducts started ticking. "I am NOT! I try REALLY hard! I'm just exhausted all the time, and I can't focus on my studies, and I just don't GET the stuff! Oh, maybe I AM stupid!" With a squelch of plastic, she fell face-down on the couch and began to sob.

Immediately the dark-haired man felt remorseful. He patted her tentatively on the back. "There there," he said awkwardly, "nice Bunny. I'm sure you could do better, if just… waitaminute…"

Usagi turned her red, blotchy, tear-streaked face towards him. Her nose was running a bit. To Mamoru, she had never looked so beauteous.

"I'll tutor you!" Mamoru said, suddenly eager. "What're you working on?" He turned to one of many tall, multi-tiered, alphabetically organized bookshelves and pulled out advanced physics textbooks, quantum math texts, and "A Genius's Guide to Twelfth-year Calculus," only to throw them hastily on the rug as Usagi shook her head fearfully.

"Okay, sorry, I guess these are a bit complex," he admitted. "How about algebra? Or, ah, geometry? I might have something old in here…" he began rifling through the bookshelf.

Usagi continued to shake her head, looking more and more depressed. "I've never really understood that stuff," she whispered, tears glistening in her bluer-than-anything-blue-ever eyes.

Mamoru bent down beside her and… ever so slowly… brushed a lone tear from her cheek.

"Ow, my eye!" she cried, clutching her face with both hands and twitching convulsively on the rug.

"Oh, Odango, I'm so sorry, my finger must've still been dusty from those books! Are you ok!? Do you need mouth to mouth?! I'm a med student! I'll do it!" He ran to a kitchen cupboard and pulled out a first aid kit overflowing with gauze, gloves, painkillers, needles, emergency supplies of morphine, elephant tranquillizers…

By the time he returned to the living room, Usagi had blinked until the stinging had completely disappeared. "No, it's ok, I think I'm fine. It's just—" she shrugged helplessly— "those books, they're all way too hard for me…"

Mamoru smiled reassuringly, tossing a few extra needles on the couch. "Don't worry, Usa-ko, you're much smarter than you think you are. We'll make sure we find something that's just your level. You'll see. Are you sure you don't want my old eyepatch?"

Usagi grinned, and this time the wetness in her eyes came from tears of relief. "Naw. But now we're even."

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

"And then Elmo said, 'Oscar the Grouch, let's be best friends!' The end."

"Wow, Usagi-chan, see how well you did? That was great!"

Usagi sniffled nervously. "Really? You really think so?"

Mamoru nodded firmly. "Yes. Ready to try some basic addition?"

"addy-whaty?"

MANY, MANY HOURS LATER:

"Okay, Mamoru-Baka. Your move."

After mastering addition, subtracting, and even rudimentary multiplication (Mamoru almost beamed with pride, she had come so far!) the pair had decided to move on to basic spelling. And what better way of learning how to spell than with a friendly game of Scrabble?

Usagi was lying stomach-down on the rug, her eyes narrowed in concentration. Mamoru sat crosslegged in a yoga-like position, back straight, focusing intently upon his little wooden letter blocks.

'No way…I couldn't possibly have…' He looked down to his letters, which were hidden from his erstwhile blonde opponent by a little wooden platform, and than back at the game board. 'Get your mind out of the gutter, Mamoru…but, ugh, it's such a good word! And look, it's triple word score! It won't be that awkward, I'm sure…'

Decided, he put the letters down upon the board in a line, spelling out the word:

S-E-X-U-A-L.

"Haha, Odango!" he said. "Thirty-six points! Read 'em and weep!"

Mamoru was unprepared when Usagi smiled wickedly and cried, "sweet! An 's', just what I needed!" And with a smooth spattering of wooden squares she spelled:

T-E-N-S-I-O-N. "Take that!" she said smugly. They both took a look at the game board.

And paused.

Mamoru's living room was suddenly the most uncomfortable place ever.

"So…. Ugh…."

"So…. Er…."

"Hey, look over there, it's another subject!" Usagi yelled, pointing to a wall.

"Huh?" Mamoru was confused.

"Nothing…" Usagi shrugged sheepishly. "I was just trying to change the subject."

"Oh."

Mamoru drummed awkwardly on the living-room table, wishing those elephant tranquilizers were within reach. Suddenly his head shot up. "Hey, want to watch a movie?"

Usagi brightened immediately. "Yeah!!!"

They settled down on opposite ends of the couch. Usagi contentedly cradled a huge barrel of popcorn drenched with butter, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and strawberries, which were, for some reason, all she could find in Mamoru's fridge. She chanced a look over at her still-arch enemy. He sat comfortably with his iron-black hair glistening and blowing softly in an invisible indoor breeze. She watched as he reached for a light and switched it off.

flash! flash! flash!back! back! back!

Aflood of images appeared before them:

The Moon. The Earth. A Princess. A Prince. Forbidden love. Making Out. Dancing. Dipping. Twirling. Staring into each other's eyes. More staring. Comparing said eyes to other blue objects. Amateur gardening. An ageless woman with silver hair. Secrecy. Armor, and a white dress. Mood lighting. Never changing their clothes.

And then: WAR. Everything went wrong.

Betrayal. Death. Bloodshed. Cats and dogs, playing poker together…The sky and earth change places. A Woman with a purple dress and a bad perm, uttering threats. Dead soldiers, all around. Men with too-long hair, turned evil. A kingdom, crumbling. Marble pillars, falling to the ground. Animals disrupted from their natural migratory patterns. Other horrors, too painful to describe…

And then, the most horrific moment of all:

The Woman with the purple dress, an evil and jealous Queen, pulls a nerf water gun from somewhere in her very large cleavage and fires at the princess, who is shielded by the prince…who gets soaked instead of her…

But not by water, or even polluted water. The gun is loaded with something far more lethal: evil energy. It pierces his body. And he dies.

And she watches.

And he speaks, for a really long time. He continues to die, and talk. And talk and talk. It is poetry. He speaks of his love, makes delirious stock market predictions. The princess cries.

The princess is angry. She kills herself and pledges to rejoin her love.

She dies on her lover's sword. It hurts alot.

On this abandoned moon there is somebody still alive, playing really really REALLY sad music.

But there is hope:

Unbeknownst to the princess, her mother, the last surviving member of the Silver Millenium, will use the last of her life to send them all to the future, where they will have another chance for love, and making out, and where they will get to wear jeans.

"My beloved daughter…may you take this chance to find happiness…on the planet you loved from far away…"Queen Selenity takes a final breath, whispering a few last words of advice to the princess. "Always do your best…trust your heart…and for the Moon's sake, don't buy things you see on infomercials …they seem cheap, but it all… adds up…in the end…"

She dies, and her body dissolves into gleaming stars that rejoin the sky she had once

ruled so lovingly...

A THOUSAND YEARS LATER:

A black cat with a crescent moon is stepped on by a clumsy girl with oddly-shaped hair…

"Luna?"

FADE TO BLACK.

Usagi and Mamoru sat in the living room, sobbing. Sometime, without realizing it, they had managed to move right next to each other, so they were almost in each others' arms. Usagi was covered in popcorn. Mamoru was clutching a box of Kleenex. Both of them gazed at each other, their eyes glazed over with emotion.

The lights went back on.

Usagi gulped. "Did you just see that?"

Mamoru bit back a sob. "Yes…"

"It was so beautiful."

Mamoru nodded mutely, dabbing his eye with a tissue. He sighed. "Yes, I keep forgetting how good that movie is. It's weird, I usually don't get this emotional over things like this."

(AN: It's a lie. He cried at Bambi, too)

He wiped his face with one hand and picked up the remote control with another, hitting the 'eject' button. A tape popped out of the VCR, with a label marked, "Memories of the Moon Kingdom."

"The cinematography's just so good. And Claire Danes does such a good job as the princess, although I've got to say the blond wig isn't convincing."

"I agree, although the prince is kind of miscast too. I mean, Brad Pitt is hot, but they should've picked someone Asian. Have you ever seen the sequel?"

Mamoru slid the movie back into its plastic case and returned it to its place on the shelf. "Oh, you mean the one where it's a thousand years later, and they're reborn and hate each other at first, but secretly fall in love with the others' superhero identities and then figure out who they are and get married and have a kid with pink hair?" He shrugged. "Yeah, it was ok, but not really believable. I mean, studios are all about the franchise these days."

He began to pace, becoming more impassioned in his ranting. "If you think about it, the history's messed up. A thousand years ago, people still thought the planet was flat! There was no moon kingdom! And the plot is second-rate. It's just so contrived! I mean, it's SO obvious that the two stars like each other from the beginning, and that their "hatred" is just a psychological ploy to mask their mutual attraction. As if that would happen in real life! They'd just get together! Why does it have to take so long!"

Usagi stood up indignantly. "Okay, so FIRST of all, it was a SECRET moon kingdom, okay? And second of all, I liked the sequel! It could so too happen in real life! True love does exist. And of course it takes a long time for them to get together, it has to keep being drawn out because otherwise there'd be NO STORY!"

She was about an inch away from Mamoru's face, staring angrily at his mega-blue eyes. Their noses were almost touching. Their faces inched closer. At that moment, she sneezed.

Mamoru looked at her apologetically. "Oh, Odango, I completely forgot about your fever! And you're still soaked! Here, why don't you change into some of my clothes and you can shower later…"

Usagi smiled weakly. "It's ok, I have this very rare medical condition where I suddenly get fevers and they go away as soon as I change into a guy's clothes and he kisses me..." She shrugged. "But more about that later."

Mamoru blinked a couple of times. "Does that happen often? I mean. Oh…kay…here, I'll show you to my closet." He led her into his room and opened up a gigantic walk-in closet.

Usagi cringed in horror. "The blazers! So many blazers!"

"HEY now!" cried Mamoru, "Those are great blazers! They go nicely with my olive complexion, I got them free when I modeled for a blazer company, and… what THE?!?!"

The door had locked behind them.

"OH MY GOSH! We're trapped together in a CLOSET!" yelled Usagi. "Who could have POSSIBLY seen this COMING?!"

Mamoru looked perplexed. "I didn't know this closet had a lock…"

Meanwhile, at the Crown Arcade…

Five sinister figures and two talking housepets huddled closely together.

"So, Motoki, tell me again why you set up hidden cameras in Mamoru's closet?"

Rei, Motoki, Minako, Ami, and Makoto were all sitting around a little t.v. behind the arcade counter, staring, riveted, at the screen.

Mamoru's best friend blushed. "I'll tell you when you're older. Pass the popcorn?"

On the small screen, Usagi was pounding at the door while Mamoru stroked the sleeve of one of his green jackets lovingly.

"I hope we see some action soon!" The sound of popcorn-munching stopped. Four incredulous heads turned to face the speaker.

"AMI-CHAN?"

"I mean, ya know. Studying. I hope they study." She adjusted her glasses defensively. "What? This is just getting good!"

and so it was.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Another mean cliffhanger. To my most excellent and patient reviewers:

Endy's Girl: On a scale from one to rock, you rock! Thanks tons.

Lady Wise: thanks, man! I'll try to keep it kicking.

Jessie: wow, that was serious! I'm so happy you like the story, and it irritates me when Usagi's helplessly stuck in some alley, too. I don't think i can fit it into this, but we'll see- maybe that can come later. If you feel passionate about it, you should definitely write something yourself!

firebirdflame: shudder> creepy.

e-chan: that's the best compliment ever! Don't worry, my family thinks i'm nuts all the time.

rockfreak: sorry i took so long! hope ya liked it.

Meg-of-the-Moon: yeah, the live-action Mamoru also scrunches up his face in this really unflattering way, especially when he's evil. He's better at the beginning when he's impassive and doesn't have to act :)

princess serena of the mo: what happened to the rest of the 'moon'? hee. anyway, i aim to please!