Remembrance
sequel to When The Day Comes
Pairings : NejiNaru, KakaIru
Rating : PG
Warnings : Yaoi, angst
Disclaimer : Naruto belongs to Kishimoto Masashi and associated affiliates. Not me.
Summary : (set between chapters 237 and 238 of manga) Naruto goes wandering about the hospital. Neji wakes up from a dream, and finds that he isn't alone.
A/N : Since this is a sequel, you do have to read the prequel first. ;; In this fic, I'm just basically mapping out a potential NejiNaru relationship, and trying to fit it within the canon timeline. There will be future sequels, but those would have to wait until the manga gives a clear indication as to how the plot would progress.
It was the greatest irony. Hyuuga Neji of the Byakugan - one of the noblest bloodline limits, a doujutsu, the art of the eye - could not see. For the most part of his childhood, he had been in the darkness of revenge. Hatred had fed his vengeance for all those years, and vengeance had tunnelled his vision.
Yet he had been saved. The darkness was chased away and he was dragged out of it and into the light. And he had realised for the first time in too long, how bright the world really was, how strong the people around him. How true Naruto was.
Where he saw weaknesses and openings, vulnerabilities and fears, pain and suffering and the bad, Naruto had seen the strengths, the hopes, and most importantly, the good.
You have better eyes than me, Naruto. You see clearer than anyone. You will find Sasuke even when we fail.
Just like how you found me.
Hatake Kakashi closed his eyes as he leaned his head against the doorway. This was how he had slept for the whole night. Not that he had actually slept enough to actually count as slumber. It couldn't be helped, he mused to himself, eyes straying till they focused on the heavily-bandaged form on the cot. Kakashi had resigned himself to a whole lifetime of guilt. Hopefully he wasn't shortchanging anyone that way. Like the rest of his peers, his lifespan was just about as long as how far he could keep himself alive.
And for each day, he would hand out a bit of his guilt. To Obito he gave a little more, apologising each time for the debt that he would never be able to repay. To all his past teammates who were unfortunate enough to be on his team and ended up dead, he visited them at the memorial and told them he was sorry for not being able to keep them alive.
There was Sasuke, whom he had tried to save, and who reminded him so painfully of himself it actually hurt when he looked at the boy. Well the boy was gone now, too lost in his revenge to stay within anyone's grasp. There was Naruto...
"Beating yourself up again, Kakashi-sensei?"
The Jounin smiled behind his mask. On better days, he could chuckle and say something clever to ward off any attempts at consolation. Today wasn't one of those days. "Is it that obvious? I must be losing my touch."
Umino Iruka stopped at the doorway, leaning into the wood opposite him. He looked as though he wanted to enter the ward, but thought better of it and just watched with weary eyes his most precocious, and most loved ex-student. "You never did have the touch you're talking about. You know that," he said without turning his head.
"Ouch. That hurts, Iruka-sensei."
They called each other by their first names when they were alone, but were always careful to add 'sensei' in front of the students. It had become a habit and one they adhered to religiously...even if the student now was lying unconscious on the cot and looking more dead than alive.
It might not have turned out this way.
If...only Kakashi had been swifter in his pursuit of the boys...if he hadn't been so blindsided by the startling similarity between himself and Sasuke that he had neglected -
"I've told you before," Iruka's tone was sharp this time. When Kakashi looked up, Iruka's dark eyes were trained on him. "Stop doing that."
"I'm afraid I'm not sure what you're - "
"Really? Shall I spell it out? Stop blaming yourself for everything." Iruka's expression was grim. "You think it's your fault with what happened to Sasuke. And now Naruto too. Stop that. If every fault can be divided so precisely, the world would be a simple place. And it isn't. So stop it."
"Are you lecturing me?" Kakashi actually sounded amused.
"What else does it look like? I have five students either injured or practically dead right now. I don't need a sulking colleague on the list." For that moment Iruka looked every bit of the academy teacher that he was, all matronly righteousness, but then he paused, and his brows drew sharply in pain. "Six students. I mean six students. How could I have forgotten..."
It was only then Kakashi remembered that all six Genins involved in the mission had been Iruka's students. Kakashi wasn't even sure when he had moved but he was right beside Iruka, an arm wrapped around the younger man's chest. It wasn't of pity, this embrace; Iruka would never have suffered pity. But this was comfort and something deeper, and they both sensed it, so for just that brief moment, Iruka allowed himself to be pulled back into that hard, silent embrace. They kept quiet like that, just drawing solace from each other's presence, until Iruka stirred and Kakashi lifted his arm.
"I should go. Classes." Iruka said with that blend of hope-underlined wryness that only he seemed capable of. He smiled gently. "You have missions too."
"Aa." Kakashi turned back towards the ward. "In a minute." He continued staring at into the interior, not glancing away even as the sound of Iruka's footfalls faded away into silence.
Kakashi waited until the air was almost completely still, before venturing to speak. " The others are in the hospital as well. Don't overstrain yourself. Unless you'd like me lugging you back here again."
Naruto didn't even stir on the cot. His chest rose and fell in regular beats.
If there was anything about being a teacher, it was that at some point or another, you'd know your students inside out. Sighing, Kakashi straightened. "You heard him, Naruto. It's not anyone's fault. Try to believe it." A quiet, dry chuckle slipped from him; the words that followed were even softer and not quite meant for anyone else's ears but his own. "Hell knows I've tried."
Turning, he left the ward.
On the cot, eyes the colour of azure opened slowly.
It hurt...it hurt terribly, like nothing he had ever felt before. A great tearing pain that gnawed at the hole in his shoulder. And Neji for once in a time so long he couldn't even remember the span of it, knew the taste of fear. Death, which was inevitable but had remained only a distant possibility for the most part of his life, suddenly seemed too close.
The enemy was too strong. This could be the end.
Neji didn't want to die. Now when I've seen what the world looks like in the light! He forced his legs to move, every step wrenching at the kunai still embedded in his back. Not when I've found my peace! He felt his muscles slowly rip around the metal edges, and he almost fell. Reaching back, he tore the kunai out, six of them, pain flashing white and red before his eyes. He could bleed to death, but he was past caring. Run...keep moving!
The next attack could come from anywhere, the dangerous possibilities whirling around him, in sync with each movement of his head. His blind spot, already vulnerable before, now was practically a beacon for the next arrow to strike.
He heard it whistling behind him, a mocking death song. His waning Chakra was no longer enough to deflect its direction, no matter how little. The moment he felt the dent in whatever was left of his shield, when he guessed it was close, he leapt.
There was a strange burning streak across his cheek, like someone had dragged a firebrand over his face. His head was suddenly light. Something fluttered at the edge of his vision, falling with a soft thud to the ground.
He turned his head, and found the energy to be surprised. A string. The realisation flashed quickly even in his overwrought mind. Even if the arrow couldn't, the guiding string would find him.
Is it over?
His head bowed wearily. From the darkness edging around his consciousness, a bloodied fist loomed in his mind. He flinched in reflex, expecting a blow. But no...it stopped, inches from him. An intense cerulean gaze seized him and he couldn't look away.
I'll definitely win!
A smile cleared the pain from his brow. Naruto...
Gnawing on his lip to keep himself from yelping, Naruto slumped against the whitewashed walls of the hospital. His entire body throbbed with pain. It felt like someone was repeatedly stomping on him...and then stomping again when he thought he was gonna get a break.
Kiba and Chouji's wards he had been to already, pausing to peep into the interior to find the boys still sleeping. The relief had been so overwhelming in its intensity he almost cried. He didn't know why he felt like crying either, not even when he was still back in his own ward and he had heard the words that flowed between his teachers. He hadn't actually understood what they were saying, the last vestiges of slumber still clouding his mind, but it was the way they had spoken. They sounded sad.
One more, that thought spearing him suddenly, and he pushed away from the wall. He was ready to collapse and curl up right on the floor right now, but he had to keep moving. There was one more.
He was seriously winded by the time he paused outside the last ward. He was careful to make sure there was absolutely no one around. It would SO piss him off if he were to be dragged back to his own ward after making it this far.
As stealthily as he possibly could while looking like a wrapped package, Naruto slid inside the ward and shut the door behind him. The reflexive surge of triumph at conquering the hospital wards ebbed just as quickly when his eyes finally fell on the figure laid out on the cot.
It had been close, Naruto had heard. Too close. By the time the medical ninjas had found him, lying in a pool of his own blood, they thought he was already dead. Then they had realised he was still breathing, and led by Shizune-san, they had worked tirelessly for hours to chase back his life. But for those hours, it was touch and go for Hyuuga Neji.
Naruto was almost afraid to go to near to the sleeping boy, but he did, slowly, chewing on his bottom lip compulsively as he did. What he saw made his young heart swell in pity.
Wearing the same white yukata Naruto had seen him in that night from before, Neji's already pale skin was almost as white as the robes. The stark black of the hair that lay loosely around him only made him look even more bloodless. But it was Neji's face that really bothered Naruto. Neji's dark brows were creased in a frown and his lips moved soundlessly. It did not quite look like peaceful sleep to Naruto.
"H...hey..." Naruto began tentatively, not quite sure what else to say. He was not used to having someone helpless and vulnerable before him. All his life he had had to put up with derision and taunts, and sometimes when it got really bad, a lot of hate too. Then the thought struck him. "It must be like that for you too, huh?" He said to Neji. Unbidden, his mind conjured up images of a proud little Neji smiling even when other kids called him names because of his superior fighting prowess, and how that smile finally faded when the mocking turned on his Branch House status, and in the end, he just stopped smiling altogether.
The soft whimper from Neji shook Naruto out of his reverie. Huge azure eyes swung over to stare at Neji. The older boy's back was arched upwards, cold sweat beading his temples. His brows were drawn so tightly they looked knitted together.
A look of utter frustration and helplessness descended on Naruto's face as he hovered anxiously around the cot. Hesitantly, he was about to lay a hand on Neji, before he retracted it quickly, remembering some saying that you really shouldn't wake someone from a nightmare too suddenly.
Or something like that.
Slapping a hand to his head, and yelping at the burst of pain that caused, Naruto groaned aloud. "What the HECK am I doing here anyway!"
It was true. He had not the vaguest idea why he was here, and what he was here for. He didn't know why he had crept all over the hospital while swathed head to toe in bandages, head swimming in nausea, and ending up in Neji's ward. He just knew he...had to. From the moment his mind had woken up, his consciousness screaming in the shock at the too-sudden awakening from a nightmare he couldn't remember now, he just had to do this.
Neji stilled suddenly and Naruto froze in his mental debate.
"Hey..." Naruto ventured again, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. "I knew you'd be okay..." It felt REALLY weird talking to someone wasn't even awake. But the words, coming in hesitant drips at first, flowed into a stream. "You're a genius, right? You won your fight. You don't die...well...not so easily."
Something flickered over Neji's face, the tension easing from his brows.
"So don't dream bad things anymore."
Saved...
He wanted to reach up, touch his forehead where the cursed seal was. It no longer hurt...no longer deafen him with the voices of his nightmares. Uncle's cold voice snapping the chant that turned the seal into agony, Father's gasps of pain, his own screams to make it all stop.
There was silence now; a warm blanket of comforting stillness stirred only the distant flutter of wings.
Birds. He watched their flight into the sky, counted them in his mind. Waited. The last burst of feather and colour almost made him smile. He could never see that one bird. Somehow it always evaded him, like an elusive dream of sorts. And whether dream or bird, it left him wanting to catch it, keep it in his pocket and possess it. But it always danced just beyond his reach, like a will o' the wisp of unpredictability. He found that he didn't quite mind...there were too many things that were within his grasp that he noticed only now, and he yet had to finish keeping them all.
When he closed his hand around the fallen Konoha headguard, it felt cool against his skin. He tightened his hold around it.
Everyone...
His thumb brushed over the tickle on his uncurled palm...a soft and still-warm feather that had drifted from the sky.
Don't dream bad things anymore...
He shook his head sleepily. I won't...
Wake up...
Naruto gawked when fingers closed weakly on his hand. He wasn't expecting that! Squirming, Naruto gazed helplessly down at his trapped hand. Okay, he REALLY wasn't expecting THAT! Neji had looked like he was still dreaming, and his lips had moved again. Naruto made a valiant guess that Neji was trying to say 'everyone', and impulsively, Naruto had seized the older boy's hand. It was a really stupid urge, catalysed into action by recollections of Iruka-sensei's hand holding his own every time the jeering from people got a bit too much.
"Wake up." The words came out like a quiet order.
Amazingly, dark eyelashes lifted to reveal slits of sleep-hazed opalescence. Naruto didn't even realise he was holding his breath. There was something about Neji's eyes that always got to him. He had thought at first it was the disturbing fact that he couldn't see the PUPILS, but later, much much later...he found out it was because he could actually SEE the emotions in those pale, reflection-less depths.
The eyes focused confusedly on Naruto. Neji's lips moved but no sound emerged. But finally, a croak squeezed its way out of his throat. "Naru...to..."
It felt like being underwater, with the world a shimmery play of light and shadow and ripples around him, and the sounds muffled to his ears. Somewhere above the confusing and very disorienting plane of semi-consciousness, he saw a face loom into view. He couldn't quite make out the features, but the twin points of brilliant blue were startlingly clear.
Naruto, he heard himself speak. Or rather, the word came out wheezed and barely discernible from his dry throat.
"Neji! You're awake!"
Neji blinked at that exuberant outburst, still yet to regain his bearings, and swallowed weakly the cool liquid that was fed to his lips. Even that took some effort, and he leaned back and just studied his visitor wordlessly. Naruto looked like a wreck, to put it simply. He was bandaged, so thoroughly that what could be seen from under the white of gauze and the black of his yukata, were his shock of blonde hair, cerulean gaze and grinning mouth.
"Oi, don't take it the wrong way," Naruto started saying as he leaned heavily against the cot. He was still grinning like he was sharing a joke. "But you SO look like you got your ass kicked."
Neji would have laughed if not for the fact he remembered the two barely-patched-up holes in his body. Trust Naruto to be so brutally blunt. The other visitors Neji had over the past couple of days were so much more...accommodating. Hinata-sama had practically looked like she wanted to weep when he first opened his eyes and Hyuuga-sama was grimly quiet. Somewhere behind them he saw the female doctor in black who saved his life. He forgot her name, though, but he remembered the sheer exhaustion and relief on her face. Shikamaru had stopped by and told him to get well soon. The genius boy's patented lazily quirked smile was plastered firmly on his face, but it was also lined with burden that looked too old on such a young face.
And today, Naruto came. The tumble of emotions that had barraged Neji upon seeing the boy could not be pinned down. Gladness and relief were only the tip of what was a deep iceberg of...feelings. Neji didn't know what to call them. He had no name for each of those feelings just yet.
"Ddi you have a nightmare?" Naruto asked suddenly.
Nightmare...Closing his eyes briefly, Neji tried to remember. Nothing came to mind, except for that strange sense of...peace? No, not peace. It felt more like the weary triumph one might feel after winning an almost-lost battle. He shook his head.
"Good!" Naruto said it like it was something really great. "'Cuz I have them, you know - geh..." He stopped suddenly, sheepishness breaking over his impish face. Chuckling wryly, he rubbed his head, looking like a child who got caught saying the wrong thing.
Neji understood. Nightmares were...one of those things that everybody had, but nobody spoke of. As a shinobi, a member of one of the most powerful ninja villages, a component of the protective mechanism safeguarding the villagers' lives, there were things you just did not speak of. Things like how hard training really was, the number of bruises hidden by your uniform, how closely you flirted with death and then do it all over again, nightmares...you swallow them all. It was just a matter of how well you endured, how much, and how poorly, that made the difference between one shinobi and the next. That was something they found out, not in lessons taught, but in lessons fought and learned.
But sometimes...just sometimes, words were necessary.
Lifting a hand, Neji gestured to the empty space beside him. "Sit."
There was a brief moment where Naruto looked ready to argue against that simple but firm command, but with a loud sigh that wasn't entirely of reluctance, he settled onto the narrow space, letting his legs dangle off the side of the cot.
Silence stretched into the minutes, punctuated only by the sounds of their breathing. Neji didn't have to tell Naruto to talk. The boy would, when he was ready. There was no defeat in his posture - there never was - but his whole person seemed weighed down. It started with his bowed head, to the turned-down corners of his mouth, and to the fists he held clenched on his lap.
"I'm going away," Naruto blurted suddenly, eyes still trained intently on his fists. "Three years. To train. I'm just gonna keep training, until I can - "
Find Sasuke. Get him back. Stop all this stupid shit happening in MY home. Neji's mind filled in for Naruto. Somewhere in the midst of the strange sense of loss at Naruto's admission, Neji actually felt wry that he was starting to be able to know what the other boy was thinking even without him saying it.
"Wanna tag along?" Naruto's brilliant blue eyes were on him now, the same old impishness gleaming in them. Before Neji could say something Neji-like, such as 'Are you crazy?', Naruto made a face. "Yeah, yeah, don't answer that. I'm SO not in the mood for any smartass comments from you."
So Neji kept quiet. He didn't know what he should say anyway.
"Neji."
The older boy waited.
"Remember what you said to me?" Once again, Naruto was staring into his lap, except there was something else etched into his face, and it was starting to look like a kind of pain that had nothing to do with the physical. "The...eyes thing?"
Neji remembered. "You have better - "
"You still think that now?" Naruto cut in abruptly. There was a visible clench in his jaw.
"Yes."
"Don't say that so easily! You didn't -" The self-directed anger in Naruto's voice was sharp. "See the way Sakura-chan smiled at me. How everybody smiled, like it's okay." Naruto had turned away, so from where Neji lay, he couldn't see Naruto's face.
I'm not smiling, Neij wanted to retort, but he was too tired to really argue. There were many other things he wanted to retort. This self-doubting and self-pitying Naruto simply wasn't the Naruto he knew, and coupled with the throbbing pain from his still-healing wounds, it was all starting to irk Neji. Digging his elbow into the mattress, Neji managed to sit himself up. It felt good to know that even in this state, he could still feel like knocking some sense into Naruto. Some things just don't change.
But by the time Neji could get his breath under control, will his head to stop spinning, and lean forward to lay his hand on Naruto's shoulder, the anger was all but gone. Somewhere along the way, it faded into sympathy. When his hand closed around the shaking, black-clad shoulder, the sympathy changed yet again into one of those unnamed emotions. Naruto flinched sharply at his touch, but Neji was too winded to feel embarrassed. Bracing his whole forearm against Naruto's back, Neji sank his head into it.
"What are you - " Naruto began sputtering, his head twisting around.
"Don't..." Neji managed through gritted teeth. "...move." He took in deep breaths, fighting down the surge of nausea in his protesting body.
"I won't." And true enough, Naruto was locked into position, awkward as it was with Neji spooned against his back. "But what are you - "
"Shut up." The dream came rushing back in fragments of recollections, but each of them was startlingly clear, and Neji caught them in his mind. Most of all, he remembered Naruto's words. "What...is fate...Naruto...?"
There was a pause, then Naruto spoke quietly. "Something that can be changed."
"Yes." Neji raised his head, just enough to speak into Naruto's ear. And he spoke in one breath. "You...have better eyes because you see when we can't. And as long as you can see what you want, you can change it, and you will reach it...Remember what you said at the exam?"
Naruto grew unnaturally still at that; Neji could feel it in the boy's back he was leaning against. He knew what he was asking of Naruto. What happened during the confrontation Naruto had with Sasuke would only be known to them both, and no one else. But what happened after the confrontation was anybody's business and if Neji had to take on the job of giving Naruto's ass the kick it sometimes deserved, then he'd do it. With a hell of a smirk on his own face too if he wasn't half-dead himself. Don't let me down, Neji willed inwardly.
"I'll definitely win."
Neji smiled against his arm. He felt Naruto half-twisting, and he lifted his head to find the younger boy's intense cerulean gaze on himself. If Neji were more clear-minded he would be suitably alarmed at the proximity between he and Naruto, particularly the scant centimetres between their faces. But he was still half-dead, remember? Neji blinked stupidly instead.
"Maybe I have the better eyes." Naruto flashed a lopsided grin, then jerked his head so it butted into Neji's. Forehead to forehead with Neji, Naruto spoke again, his voice dropping to that low, fierce timbre that always meant he was deadly serious. "But yours are more beautiful. Most."
Words worked their way up Neji's throat, but no sound emerged. He swallowed his own breath, and Naruto's too for those warm, rhythmic puffs against his lips weren't his own. "Baka," he finally said, blinking even more fiercely.
They broke apart awkwardly; Neji sinking back against the headboard, thankful that his dizziness was preventing him from feeling true mortification at that earlier strangely intimate moment he had shared with...of all persons...
Naruto's sudden wail shattered Neji's obsessing. "Oh my GAWD, I can't BELIEVE I did something as MUSHY as that!" His eyes tracked wildly around until they focused accusingly at Neji. "...You're not gonna tease me about that three years later, are you?"
The laughter swelling in Neji's chest threatened to add a few more holes to the ones he was already sporting in his body. "I won't."
"You SO would." Naruto muttered sourly.
"And..." Neji coughed to mask his chuckle. "For your information, my answer is yes."
"Answer?" An adorable frown hovered between Naruto's brows, until he remembered his question from way earlier. "You're gonna tag along!"
"Yes." Neji raised his hand and tapped a finger against his own temple. "Here." He finished with a smirk of a smile.
Naruto stared for a moment, before a brilliant grin broke on his lips. "I'd remember that." He looked away, out of the window, at a sky whose blueness was always a shade lighter than his own gaze no matter the time.
It was a beautiful day.
Sometimes Iruka was convinced he was the only one in the whole of Konoha with something called sanity. "Did you find him?" He demanded the moment Kakashi glided into view from the corridor to his left.
The Jounin shrugged.
Iruka distinctly felt his eyebrow twitch. He had to hand it to Kakashi. No matter what happened - the sky could be falling down for instance - the man was always a picture of Zen-like calm. It made Iruka wonder why the hell he had ever allowed this same man into his life, and how the hell he had refrained from inflicting violence all this time, differences in ninja prowess be damned.
"Don't worry." Kakashi held up a placating hand. "He's somewhere in the hospital."
Iruka was unconvinced. Naruto had barely made any real recovery, for heaven's sake! The last thing he should be doing was getting out of bed! "How would you know?" He protested.
"I told him to - " Kakashi stopped abruptly, looking like - and knowing - that he had just about shot himself in the foot.
"You TOLD him." Iruka said slowly, dangerously.
"Iruka - "
The younger man was too worried to really listen. He strode ahead, eyes scanning around him to check if that incorrigible Naruto was hiding anywhere. That boy! Iruka felt like screaming.
"Iruka-sensei."
That slowed Iruka's strides. Sighing, he turned towards the other man.
Kakashi's arms were crossed in that stance that just commanded obedience. "Come." He turned and began walking in the opposite direction.
"We just came from there - "
"I didn't say I didn't find him. So, come."
Iruka bit his lip to stifle his griping. He might disagree with Kakashi on too many issues to count, but he knew when to be silent and to just follow. Kakashi stopped at the first ward around the right corner.
"Here?" Iruka frowned as he stared up at the characters above the door. "Isn't this Neji's..."
Kakashi had already opened the door. He pushed it inwards, then motioned Iruka to come nearer.
Whatever else Iruka was about to say was shoved back down his own throat. He stared, eyes widening.
At first, it just looked like...two entangled masses. Then...two bodies could be made out, one in a black yukata, and the other in white, both curled into each other like two nestling kittens. Naruto's blonde spikes were buried into Neji's hair, so it looked like he was wearing a black nightcap of sorts. Both boys were fast asleep.
When the day comes, we'd tell each other, ne, Sensei?
It made Iruka smile to remember that promise Naruto made with him. Looks like that day had arrived, rather unexpectedly early, but not something regrettable.
Thanks, Naruto.
Bleary opalescent eyes fluttered opened.
Outside, stillness settled into the air, stirred once by the wind, and faded into sweet silence. A freely-dancing shadow flitted across the darkening sky.
Neji lifted his hand, followed the flying bird with his fingers until it disappeared far, far into the distance.
I'd remember it too.
Neji's head dropped back against the pillow of Naruto's soft spikes, sinking back into the gentle lull of sleep.
fin
January 2005