Sorry this was a bad chapter. I mean, really, how much can you write about physique when you have your cousin shooting off her long line of wonderful inspirational ideas right into your ear? Of course, it did give me more ideas...if not rendered my ears a little deaf.

Of course, this fic is dedicated to her...Thankies, Jackie-chan!! (Hugs)

She's extremely excited about this fic, let me tellyou. We had lots of fun writing the next chapter. She has lots of good ideas. (smiles)

Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. What a pity. Wish I could own Bakura or Yami though. (winks winks)

Tomb Robber's Tutorial Lesson Two: Physique

I really must change that lesson's title. It'll no doubt attract more girls, not because of MY wondrous sexy physique, but rather they might think that someone's teaching them how to style their hair. And I am NOT doing that. They're not worth it, no matter what the stupid baka shampoo commercial tells them.

Ah, I see now that you've all finally found your proper attires. Finally. Did you realize how hard it was on my eyes? Yes, I am quite aware that the rest of the 7 billion in the people dress like you once did, but they're not learning how to steal. They're the steal-tees.

Now, lesson two on looking good. Now that you've finally found your proper attires, now you need to get your body down to size. You can hardly look intimidating if you're obese. No, don't tell me the excuse that you can use it to look cute. I will hardly justify that Chibis are not obese. And don't use the excuse that you can have people mistaken you as a rather flesh-colored bomb. It won't work. (Glares)

YOU! There, in the corner, you, the fatso with the black hair and the big mouth, yeah, you. Out. (points to door)

Idiot fangirl. I hope she falls off the roof and lands on another poor innocent victim.

Alright now, seperate into two groups. Guys on one side and girls on the other.

Now, I wouldn't mind examining all of you to create the perfect guide to have the perfect physique for a thief. However, a CERTAIN hikari whispered into my ear that examining the female gender would be...shall we say..."inappropriate", so I shall instead instruct the males, and have a guest to look after the women.

OH RYOU!!!

Excuse me. (Leaves room)

(Comes back dragging a wailing, desperate, red-blushed Ryou.)

"Bakura!! NO! Stop it!! I didn't mean it, okay?! STOP IT!!"

(Fangirls shriek)

Yes, my class. Let me introduce you to - (whaps the struggling Ryou on the head; he momentarily stops wriggling) - my dear sweet innocent hikari, Ryou Bakura. He will be the one looking after the girls (a small percentage of guys groan disappointedly), and giving me a status report so I can create a perfect military basis routine for you to all have the perfect body for thieving.

(Thrusts Ryou towards the girls and locks the door tight.)

"Bakura....please don't." (Ryou blushes)

Shall I do it then, hikari? I certainly wouldn't mind.

(Ryou blushes further and mutters about not minding too much) Baka. You'd think HE was the spirit with no hormones.

Alright now. Stand in a straight line and I shall walk past and see from one glance how well fitted for a theif you are.

I have just realized how little male mortals there are in here.

You all disgust me. Do you realize exactly how long it will take for you all to finally become a great thief? Really, although I do realize that about 37 of the world is obese, have I not mentioned that thieves are the ELITE? You are not part of this population! Once you all master the great art of theiving you will all become higher among the social status, in more ways than one. Hey, the money you are all going to steal is certainly going to benefit, let me assure you.

Why must your physique look good? Well, for health reasons, you must to agile enough to shimmy the buildings, jump across roofs, whirl through the air. Guys, here is the perfect example. Though his attire is certainly...not up to standards, at least his physique will do.

(Gestures to projector) Ryou, my dear hikari, please turn this on.

(Ryou, red as a tomato, hurries to turn on the projector.)

(A picture of Spider-man appears)

Personally I think this man is rather an idiot, but he will have to do. He can shimmy up buildings, jump across roofs, heck he can swing from pole to pole and skyscraper to skyscraper.

What do you mean I can't do that?!

Fine. Whatever.

Oh....sorry, kids, there's no insurance for this class.

Might I remind you that the door is locked? Thank you.

Now, men. Please subject yourself to something not so macho-looking, alright? All brawn and no brain serves no purpose unless you are a mind slave of sorts. Then that's what you'll only be good for. Try to go after something like MY physique. Sexy, thin, slender, pale. Or if you truly wish something a little bit more …bulging, then you can also decide to fit yourself to something like my old ancient self. Make sure you must have a six pack. That's a total given.

Oh, another thing. A scar wouldn't hurt either. (Unless…well, yeah, fine, I won't lie. It would hurt. But it will heal, I assure you.) Don't have on over your eye though. That's strictly MY trademark.

If you don't want to submit yourself to look like me, then the farthest I will allow you to go is Yami Marik's build. That's as far as you should go. Any further your already miniscule brains will deduct in size even further.

Right now. Good looks.

Ryou, how are the girls doing? (Ryou mutters and blushes) What? I didn't hear that. Ah, well, I knew that you couldn't do this, hikari. I may as well.

(Inspects the girls)

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Alright now. Good looks.

Good looks, handsome-ness, beauty, hottie qualities, are all assets to one who wishes to steal. I, of course, prefer to go for the more intimidating looks, hence my scar. It will not mutilate my overall looks, since I have the rest of my body to make up for that. However, when being handsome, or a hottie, or a beauty, it will charm the opposite sex to doing what you want.

Women, I seriously doubt you truly need this lesson. (Fangirls giggle) YOU are all animals, you really are. But instead of teaching you, then, in detail, I shall simply subject you to perform and practice on …

(Shoves Ryou into them)

….my hikari. Enjoy.

So, as I was saying, beauty can charm the opposite sex into doing what you want.

That's disgusting, you idiot fangirls. Yoai is NOT an asset!

But seriously, having good looks will surely guarantee the members of the opposite sex (fine fine! Same sex also, if you really want to go that far, you idiot fangirls!), and they will be utterly succumbed by your beauty that they will indefinitely put no fight when you wish to pickpocket. Of course, if you really want to go with the cliché, I suppose you can even marry that person and jack their inheritance, but of course, I must teach you how to murder properly before you can even comprehend that.

Yes, you, the brown-haired girl?

Huh? (Raises eyebrow) What do you mean, "monthly bodily functions might prevent you from thieving"?

(Ryou whispers in ear)

(Eyes widen)

That's disgusting. Does that REALLY happen every month?!
Women are disgusting.

Ew.

THAT, once again, is not within my area of expertise. Ryou? (Shoves him again)

"BAKURA…NO!"

Sorry, Ryou-kun. You're much better at this than I am, I will grant you that.

End of today's lesson. Now….GO WORK OUT, YOU LAZY NINCOMPOOPS!!

Sorry I made this chapter a lot worse than the first. Inspiration left me. But the next chapter will be funny, because there's lots of villains guest-starring, and Bakura's gonna diss them all!! Of course, beware, because there will be er…"bashing." But hey, come on, some of these are also MY fav villains too, so give me a break!

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