On Her Vorlagian Majesty's Secret Service
By
00UCSBdad
Disclaimer: You must know by now that I don't own Castle. In addition, no Vorlags were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Okay, there were some awful Vorlag hangovers, but that's to be expected. Rating: K. Time: Immediately after The Tragical Comedy of Rick and Romeo, Juliet and Kate.
Previously on Castle…
They opened the door and found they had company.
He lumbered to his feet and doffed his fedora.
"Evening, Gorgeous. I hope you remember me? Sam Spade Vorlag's the name and private eye is my game. We need to talk."
And now on Castle…
"My name is Kate Beckett Castle, Sam, not Gorgeous." Kate said sharply, glaring at the huge, wolf-like extraterrestrial taking up much of the loft's living room.
"Sorry, Mrs. Castle, but actually I was addressing your step-daughter, Alexis."
"Why do we need to talk, Sam?" Alexis asked. At once she was curious.
"There's problems back on Vorlag. It's T.O.O.T.H."
"You have dental problems?" Alexis asked. What with the Vorlags' huge fangs, a toothache could be massive. A root canal didn't bear thinking about.
"No, no. It's T.O.O.T.H. The Organization Organized To Hate. It's the worst terrorist organization in the galaxy. They hate everything. The last time they got loose it was awful. They fought among themselves. It was the pro-appletinis against the anti-appletinis, versus the birdbath martiniists and the anti-birdbath martiniists with the very dry martini faction…Well, you get the picture."
"But how can I help?"
Sam shrugged.
"I don't know, but the Vorlag Secret Intelligence Service's top computer, the HAL 9 said you were our only hope."
"The HAL 9?" Alexis asked.
Sam nodded.
"It has the same computing power at nine thousand high school gym teachers."
"I thought you were a private eye, Sam. Are you a spy now?" Rick asked.
Sam drew himself up to his full height.
"I'm a patriotic Vorlag. My planet calls, I answer."
"I'll go." Alexis said suddenly.
"Pumpkin…" Rick began.
"Sam and the rest of the Vorlags are our friends, Dad. I have to help if I can. And I'm an adult now. I can make my own decisions." She turned to Sam. "Will I need to pack anything?"
"A change of clothes, and your own toiletries. We can fix you up with anything else you need once we hit Vorlag."
Alexis quickly packed and said a teary goodbye to her family, then she and Sam were out the door.
"Not to the roof." Sam said as Alexis started to head towards the stairs that lead to the roof where the Vorlags usually parked their spaceships. "I parked out front."
Sure enough, once they reached the street Alexis saw a blue 1932 Ford roadster parked across the street. However, there was a young man standing by the car, obviously admiring it. They crossed the street to their ride.
"Bitching ride, man. Just bitching. Where did you…" Then he caught sight of Sam. "What? Who? How?..."
"Whassamatter, Sonny? Ain't you ever seen no one in a Halloween costume before?"
The young man reached out to touch Sam, but the Vorlag gently pushed his hand away.
"Careful, Sonny, with the threads. They're imported." He then reached over the top of the car to open the passenger side door for Alexis and then got in himself, leaving a very confused young man watching them drive off.
Alexis noticed something right off.
"Sam, there's no way you could fit in this car. It's exactly like an Earth car."
"It is an Earth car." He replied. "With a few modifications. It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. One of the wonders of modern technology. And, if you'll notice, it's bigger on my side than on yours. If you were sitting in my half of the car, you'd have to stand up just to look out the window."
Alexis looked around. Sure enough, she was at the same height as Sam, although the Vorlag was far more massive than she was.
Sam waited until they got to a deserted stretch of street before engaging his cloaking device and soaring off into space.
"Next stop, Vorlag, Alexis."
In less time than it takes to tell it, Sam caught the nearest wormhole to Vorlag and soon they were landing in the parking lot of what appeared to be a large government building.
"This is it, Alexis. The Headquarters of the Vorlag Secret Intelligence Service."
"I know." Alexis replied. "It says "Headquarters, Vorlag Secret Intelligence Service" in big letters. Wouldn't it be better to be more discrete?"
Sam shrugged.
"Suppose you had some dirt on T.O.O.T.H.? How would you let us know about it if you couldn't find us?"
Alexis thought that made some sense and followed Sam into an elevator which went to the very top floor.
"You're about to meet V. The head of the SIS. He's a VIV, a very important Vorlag."
Sam opened a door and walked into an outer office.
"How's things Miss Furrypenny?"
A rather severely dressed, but still attractive lady Vorlag smiled at Sam.
"He's expecting you 00Sam, go right in with your friend."
Sam opened the inner office door and waved Alexis through.
The office was small and rather cramped, with overflowing files in boxes, filing cabinets and many files stacked on chairs or tables. There was a large desk with a distinguished looking older Vorlag, greying at the temples, sitting behind it, examining a report. He looked up and smiled.
"Hullo, 00Sam. This must be our new recruit?"
"Yes, sir. This is Ms. Alexis Castle, straight from Earth. Alexis, this is V., the head of the SIS."
"Glad to meet you, Mr. Vorlag." She said.
V.'s jaw dropped.
"Well, 00Sam, you did say she was good, but that was amazing."
"You can say that again." Sam Muttered.
"Hardly necessary, 00Sam."
"What exactly did I do?" Alexis asked, now very curious.
"The real name of the head of the SIS is one of the most closely guarded secrets in the Realm." Sam explained. "But you puzzled it out at once. Extraordinary."
"Amazing." Said V." I don't think there's any reason to delay. Welcome to the SIS, 00Alexis."
"Thank you, sir."
There was a knock on the door.
"Ah," Said V., "That'll be the next member of your team. Come in, 00Corrine."
The door opened and a tall, slender brunette entered. Alexis thought she looked familiar.
"00Corrine, you know 00Sam and this is our newest recruit, 00Alexis, Alexis Castle, she's from Earth."
Corrine held out her hand and Alexis took it.
"Corrine Veneau, 00Alexis."
Suddenly, Alexis realized who 00Corrine looked like.
"You know, you look very much like by step-mother, Kate Beckett, now Kate Castle, back on Earth." Alexis pulled out her phone and showed everyone photos of Kate.
"We do have an amazing resemblance." Corrine said. "I'm a Sebacean, of course. We're descended from humans taken away from Earth more than a hundred thousand years ago and given some genetic modifications. Thankfully, the dangerous side effects of those modifications have been eradicated."
"How was your trip to Earth, 00Corrine?" V. Asked.
"Disappointing. I was working with Canadian Intelligence and had honey-trapped a particularly bad sort named Yusef Kabira into thinking I was in love with him and ready to do anything for him. We went back to my place and there was some macho Brit, all guns and attitude. He told me to get out and took Kabira in. I couldn't say anything without blowing my cover, of course. Very disappointing."
"You were working with Canadian Intelligence?" Alexis asked. "How come?"
"When dealing with Earth we find it's often helpful to work with someone who really knows the territory, so to speak, Don Vorleone, the Vorlagfather. He needed some help getting maple syrup and the Canadians needed someone to bring in Kabira."
"Don Vorleone is making maple syrup ice cream?"
"Maple Surple, actually. It's maple syrup and grapes ice cream. Most people put it on waffles or pancakes. Apparently, the bacon and eggs ice cream didn't do well with the focus group although the Vorlag Army wanted to buy the ham and lima beans ice cream."
They heard a door open in the outer office.
"That must be our final member of your team, 00Curly." Said V.
V. did not see the look of horror that passed over Sam's face.
"00Curly, sir. Isn't he a bit green? Wet behind the ears? A few French fries short of a Happy Meal?"
V smiled.
"You have come up with some very odd phrases in your time on Earth, 00Sam. Sometimes I hardly know what you're trying to say."
Then there was a crash from the outer office, a squeal from Miss Furrypenny, a thunk and the sound of something shattering.
"That's 00Curly, all right." Sam muttered.
In a few seconds a very unhappy looking Miss Furrypenny opened the door.
"00Curly is here, sir." She said through clenched fangs.
'Was there a problem?" V. Asked.
"He tried to throw his hat onto the hat rack behind my desk and missed. He did knock over the fresh flower vase I had on my desk and water spilled onto my computer and shorted it out. I'm afraid I'll have to do todays' work all over again, sir. In addition, he knocked over the vase and it fell to the floor and broke. Then he managed to step on the fragments."
"That was some sort of family heirloom, was it not?"
"From my great, great, great, great, great, great granddame, sir. It's…it was priceless."
"No hope of getting a replacement?"
"No, sir." Furrypenny said in a strangled voice.
At that point, 00Curly slipped into the office.
"So sorry about that, Furrypenny." 00Curly said. "I'll see about inventing some sort of super glue to make it as good as new."
"Do you remember the last time you invented something to help me?" Furrypenny said coldly.
"Oh, that. I was hoping you'd forgotten. I see you did manage to unstick your tail from the filing cabinet."
Furrypenny turned and stalked out.
"Well, 00Curly, I believe you know everyone. Now you should be getting on down to see Q about getting the special gear you'll all need."
Sam led them to the elevator and down into the deepest subbasement of the SIS where Q and his team did their work.
As soon as they got off the elevator, they were stopped by some workmen who were repairing the ceiling.
"You'll 'ave to go round, guv'ner." Said the foreman. "We've 'ad a bit of an accident, we did."
"What happened?" Asked Sam.
"Q was testing the new fusion powered pogo stick. A bit too powered, I'd say."
Alexis looked up.
"Very much so. That's steel reinforced concrete and those holes are at least two feet deep. Was the pogo stick damaged? Is there any residual radiation?"
"Oh, no, young lady. The impact was absorbed by the test pilot's head."
"His head?" Alexis gasped. "Is he alright?"
"Right as rain."
"He must have had a fantastic crash helmet."
"Oh, none of that. The test pilot was 0000Demming ' E 'ad the misfortune to fall into a vat of collapsium a while back, the hardest metal in the universe. 'E's covered in it. Din't even give him a headache."
"We need to be getting on." Sam said.
Sam brought them to Q, the genius behind all of the SIS's many fantastic gadgets. He was a tall, slim Vorlag whom Alexis thought dressed a bit like a college professor back on Earth might. He had on a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, a rather disgraceful sweater, and baggy grey slacks.
"Ah, yes. 00Curly." He said, giving the young Vorlag a stern look. "We've been expecting you. I have this for you."
He handed 00Curly what appeared to be a pen and a notebook.
00Curly took it very carefully.
"What is it, Q? Does the pen turn into an attack helicopter? A mini submarine? Ah, I'll bet the notebook turns into a flamethrower or perhaps an armored tank."
"No, it's a pen and notebook. Do you have any idea how hard it was to get your last expense account past Accounting? Six hundred and seventeen pounds, three shillings and tuppence for, and I quote, "Stuff I needed." And not one receipt."
"I did turn in one receipt." 00Curly said defensively.
"Which you first dropped in a mud puddle and then allowed a group of street urchins to play football with it. It took us three days to clean and decipher it and it turned out to be a receipt for a souvenir from Don Vorleone's Ice Cream Parlor. Accounting turned that down.
Q turned away from 00Curly.
"OOSam, you already have all you need. Now we have to outfit the ladies."
TBC