Series: Snapshots of the Past
Story: The London Years
Chapter 9
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: Liz took her first steps during her birthday party. Millie's phone call reminded Abbey how much she was missing back home and at medical school.
Summary: After Abbey struggles to find out what's wrong with Liz and Jed finishes up his final exams, husband and wife have a heart-to-heart.
AN: The present is July 1970. Abbey's flashbacks give a glimpse into their first three years in London. Words to Baby's Lullabye written by Robin Spielberg.
- - -
May 1969
Jed pulled the covers tightly around his body. His deep breathing was a sure sign that he was sound asleep and usually, no movement would wake him. With her eyes never leaving his sleeping form, Abbey slipped out of bed.
She walked across the hall into Elizabeth's room. Just as she suspected when she heard the soft baby coos coming from the nursery, Liz was wide awake and rolling around in her crib. Abbey reached down, picked her up, and held her only inches from her body so that mother and daughter were face-to-face.
"Why aren't you asleep, Angel?" she asked.
Lizzie's eyes were piercing into her mother's. She watched her lips move and even though she didn't comprehend what she was actually saying, she reached out her fingers to trace mouth. Abbey kissed the little finger that made its way across her face. When her lips curved into a frown, Abbey snuggled up to her in an effort to calm any tantrum that might be brewing.
Liz kicked her feet and struggled to get down, but as soon as Abbey granted her wish, the little girl held up her arms in a gesture to be held again. This was the typical behavior of an irritable Liz. She had been this way the day before, but Abbey dismissed the behavior, assuming the crankiness was due to the lingering symptoms of a mild cold she had the week before.
Liz kept her thumb in her mouth, sucking lightly. When Abbey tried to pull her hand away, she shouted and struggled to get it back in, accidentally slapping Abbey's chin in the process.
"Hang on, Lizzie, let me see." She held Liz's hand down and put her own finger in to see if Liz was feeling any pain in her mouth. "Ah, you're cutting another tooth. I'm going to have to teach you how to brush those teeth pretty soon."
She released her grasp on Liz's hand and smiled when she stuck her thumb between her lips once again, this time relaxing her chin on Abbey's shoulder. Elizabeth didn't seem to be in pain and Abbey still couldn't figure out why she was unable to sleep, but with the way the little girl clung to her mother, she knew something wasn't right.
"You're just determined to keep us both up all night, aren't you?" Abbey teased, holding Liz out in front of her once again.
Liz let out a small laugh and looked around the room. "Daddy?"
Jed had been preparing for his final exams and was unaware of the trouble Liz was having. He wasn't around for the moodiness that Abbey noticed and since he had been so busy slaving away on his research project, Abbey decided not to worry him at such an important time of his academic career. She had to handle this one alone.
"No, Sweetie. Daddy's really tired. We don't want to wake him." When Liz gave her a pained expression, Abbey immediately continued. "He'll be up tomorrow and I'm sure he'll want to play with you when he gets home from school."
Though she didn't comprehend anything her mother said, Liz smiled and rested her head against Abbey's shoulder. Abbey sat down on the rocking chair in the corner of the room and ran her fingertips over her little spine. She adjusted Liz on her legs so the toddler could lean forward and bury her face in her mother's chest as she began to sing to her.
"Baby's here
and mommy's near
And now it's time for you to sleep
And dreams come true
I know they do
For I'm here holding you"
Both mother and daughter teetered in and out of sleep that night, neither actually drifting off to a restful slumber. By the time Jed woke up the following morning, Abbey had Liz dressed and sitting at the breakfast table, leaving him no hint of her sleepless night.
"Are you sure you're ready?" Abbey asked as she cleared the table.
"I'm as ready as I'm going to be." He'd been studying for days for his exam.
"You want me to quiz you?"
He stared at her lovingly and gathered the glasses to walk them over to the sink. "No. But thank you," he replied, placing a soft kiss on her lips.
After Jed left, Abbey tried to bundle up Elizabeth into her favorite raincoat. Liz usually slipped into it without a fuss, probably because the shiny blue material appealed to her little eyes, but on this morning, Abbey wasn't so lucky. She fought with her mother, pulling her arms out of the sleeves every time Abbey tried to put them in.
"Lizzie, you have to keep it on," Abbey insisted. When the toddler continued to struggle and cry, Abbey found it difficult to try again. "Would you rather not go to the park?"
She sat her daughter on the floor and returned the raincoat to the closet. She turned back around to find Liz standing at her feet, her bottom lip quivering and her eyes shiny with tears.
She knelt down in front of the small child and ran her thumb under her eye to catch a stray tear. "Are you tired, Sweetheart?" She wished she knew some way to communicate with Liz. She wanted more than anything to make her feel better, but she didn't know what was wrong. "Maybe we should both just take a nap."
Liz stopped fussing the minute Abbey picked her up, but when she laid her in her crib flat on her back, Liz let out a scream so violent it ripped Abbey's heart out.
"What's the matter?" she asked, the sudden fear she felt transforming the power behind her words to make them sound harsher than she intended.
Abbey reached down to pick her up as Liz covered her right ear with her hand and pulled on it with force.
"Oh my God," she said softly, finally understanding what her daughter couldn't say. "Is it your ear? Let me see, Sweetie." She gently removed Liz's hand and suddenly, the cries were louder. "Oh, Angel, I know it hurts. I'm so sorry."
Abbey patted her back and cupped her hand around her head in a vain attempt to stop her crying as she reached for the phone.
- - -
Meanwhile, having just aced his exam, Jed was swaggering around campus just waiting to be challenged. He felt confident and secure, knowing his hard work had paid off. Abbey often told him there was no force great enough to ever match his enormous ego. She was right.
He learned to hide his superior intellect from his father at a young age in order to avoid setting off the elder Bartlet. Now, in his adult life, he hid it from his classmates, especially since he knew most were still struggling to formulate their test answers. But once out of the classroom, he was free to raise his arms in a "V", as if declaring victory, and let his ego run wild.
Lila, who saw him sauntering towards his car, called out as ran to catch up to him. "Jed!"
Lost in thought, Jed didn't hear her at first. It was only when she grabbed his arm that he turned to face her. "Hey."
"Hey! How did you do?"
"I did fine," he simply said, downplaying his enthusiasm. "How about you?"
"I think I did okay." He smiled at her, assuming she was covering her own success in case he did worse than he was letting on. "Are you applying for the research assistant position?"
"Yeah, you?"
"I can't. Tom would kill me."
She was right and Jed knew that Abbey would kill him too - if she found out. "Do you want to get a bite to eat tonight...to celebrate the end of the exam block?"
"Definitely! I'll call you as soon as I talk to Tom and we'll figure out where to meet."
She turned to head towards her car, but Jed stopped her. "Hey…tonight…don't mention the research thing to Abbey."
"You're not going to tell her?"
"I'll tell her. Just not tonight. I want to get my application materials together first. I don't want to get her hopes up in case I decide not to go through with it, you know?"
Lila bought his lie and nodded as the two parted ways.
- - -
Abbey had just set Liz down in her crib when Jed came home. She rushed to silence him before he had a chance wake up the sick toddler who had finally fallen asleep.
"I've been waiting to see you all day." He greeted her with a kiss.
"How did you do?"
"Great. Listen, go get dressed. Lila and I want to take you and Tom out to dinner tonight."
Having been up the night before, Abbey had been looking forward to going to bed early. "Tonight? Honey, I'm tired."
"Come on, it'll be fun."
"I'm not really up for it."
"Did you cook something already?"
"No, I didn't."
"Then come on. We have to eat."
"Jed, I really can't. But you go ahead and have a great time." She noticed he hadn't asked why she was so tired or how Liz was doing.
"I can't go without you," he told her. "Please Abbey."
"Jed, I said no."
Her voice was firm and unwavering, immediately putting him on the defensive, given her prickly attitude lately. He suspected tonight, it was just her stubborn streak shining through, purposely being as unyielding as his had been when it came to late-night study sessions at the library.
"Why not?"
She heard the annoyed twinge to his voice, one he had no right to claim. He had no clue what her day had been like and he hadn't even asked. "Because I'm tired."
Her tone was calmer this time, so he decided to try again. "Come on, Abbey. One hour, that's all."
"No."
Out of patience, Jed exploded. "How the hell can you be tired? You were home playing with Liz all day. You didn't even cook dinner."
"Playing with Liz?" she snapped. "Do you want to know why I didn't cook dinner?"
Jed regretted the words the second they left his mouth. "I shouldn't have said that."
"It's because I was at the doctor's office this afternoon! Your daughter, whom you didn't even ask about, by the way, has an ear infection. It kept both of us up all night last night and when I finally realized what was wrong, I took her to the doctor."
"What?"
"That's right. By the time we got home, I had to give her her medicine and then I spent an hour trying to put her to sleep. So I'm sorry I didn't get around to my regular household chores. I'll work harder tomorrow."
"Abbey…"
Her voice was eerily calm, devoid of any emotion whatsoever as she finished. "That's why I didn't cook dinner tonight."
And with that, she exited the room and went into the nursery. Wanting to give her space to cool down, Jed sifted through the cabinets in search of something he could prepare for dinner. It took him an hour to turn the clean kitchen Abbey had left into a disaster zone, splattered with tomato sauce and littered with dirty pots and pans.
After cleaning up the mess, he carried a dinner tray into the nursery and greeted his sleeping wife with a kiss to her cheek. Abbey stirred around the small bed as she woke up slowly.
"Hi," he said as soon as her eyes opened. "I brought you something to eat."
She glanced up at him, then her eyes followed the tray he put in front of her. "Salad?"
"With Italian on the side, just the way you like it. It's just an appetizer. I made some spaghetti, though I'm sure it's not as good as yours," he said softly. "I'd love it if you'd join me for dinner…in the dining room. We don't have to go out. We don't have to change. We'll do whatever you want, however you want. I just want you to eat something. You need to eat something."
"Thank you." She looked down at the tray and moved her fork around. "I'm sorry I was short with you before."
"Forget it," Jed replied with a warm smile. He sat on the floor, his back leaning against the bed and his face looking at Liz's crib in front of him. "How is she?"
The tone of his voice made it clear that he felt like a jerk.
"She'll be okay. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic."
"I had no idea. When I woke up this morning, you were making breakfast and I didn't know you stayed up with her all night. Why didn't you wake me?"
"You had an exam. You needed to sleep. I didn't figure out what was wrong with her until after you left for school. I think the pain just got worse this morning." Abbey paused for a few minutes before she called out to him. "Jed?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you really think I stay home and play with Liz all day?"
He turned around to face her. "No. I swear I don't. I don't know where that came from or why I said it."
"Sometimes it feels like that's all I do."
"Abbey, that isn't true. You run this entire house and you're so good at it. You're so good with her."
"It's not enough though, is it? You're killing yourself going to school full-time and teaching undergrad just to pay tuition. You're never here to spend time with her."
"What are you getting at?"
"I've been thinking. I'd like to go back to work."
"No, Abbey. You don't have to do that."
"Yes, I do. That way, you won't have to teach. We can put my salary towards the tuition and we'll live off our savings for a while."
"Is this because of what I said?" Abbey lowered her head, giving him a silent confirmation. "Abbey, I'm so sorry for that."
"It's not just that. I enjoyed going to work everyday."
He turned his back to her, still sitting on the floor. "We'll both be gone during the day. We'll have to pay for a full-time sitter."
He threw his head back slightly as Abbey ran her fingers through his hair. "Then I'll work when you're home."
"My schedule changes day-to-day, especially now. I'll be putting in many extra hours at the library." He sensed the tension when she didn't reply. "I'm not trying to be difficult. We just can't afford a sitter right now and I just don't have the time..."
"And you won't until you graduate."
"Well, things might be a little more laxed next year. Besides, days like today, I'm really glad you were the one home with her."
Abbey felt the same. Even if she did go back to work, she had promised herself Lizzie would always come first. She'd never leave her if she was sick. It was important to her that Liz find comfort in her parents when something was wrong. Still, she craved adult interaction. She wanted so badly to be content with being a stay-at-home mom, but in the back of her mind, she hated herself for knowing that she wanted more.
"Thank you for trying to get me more time with Lizzie," Jed added.
"It's not just for you," she whispered. "Sometimes, I just need a break."
She finally said it out loud. Abbey loved her daughter more than she ever thought she could love another human being. Lizzie stole her heart from the second she was born. But being sheltered from the rest of the world was taking its toll. She deeply admired women who could do it, but it didn't take her long to figure out she wasn't one of them.
She needed to go back to work, as much for her own mental well-being as for the money. Every time she began to tell Jed how she was feeling, her guilt would keep her quiet. She feared she'd come across as a bad mother or, from Jed's point of view, a bad wife. Now that she had confessed the secret she had hidden for so long, she waited curiously for his response.
Jed was stunned by her revelation. He struggled to find the words to express an appropriate reply. Then, several minutes later, he opened his mouth, but a concerned Abbey interrupted him before he said a word.
"Let's go have dinner," she said.
She picked up the tray and slipped out of bed. She took his hand and led him out of the room, leaving the conversation dangling in the air with no resolution or continuation whatsoever.
TBC