DISCLAIMER: Now, before you even start to read this, you should understand that this fanfiction contains ideas and situations which aren't expressed in the actual movie. I know there will be some people out there who won't agree with me on them and will want to say so, and I warn you now, all reviews that are merely for the purpose of flaming will be removed as I will not tolerate them. This was written for a laugh and I hope that you too will enjoy it.

On a final note, all characters mentioned in this fanfiction are property of Disney and I'm just borrowing them.

The secret diary of Will Turner – Please don't read

Day 1

Took spiffy sword I made to Governor Swann for Norrington, was v. miffed when he thought my drunken guardian made it. As if! Elizabeth appeared and said she'd had a dream about me last night. I had one about her, but you don't catch me going on about it, probably because she didn't have to change her bed sheets this morning. Did make me feel rather special that she did, but then it turned out it was about the day we met, which was just boring. Elizabeth still v. sexy. After dropping off sword, purchased some dodgy parchments for my guardian and headed back to blacksmiths. Found pirate there, decided to practice some sword skills on him, so made something up about him threatening Elizabeth, it's always how my dreams go. Pirate v. curious as he wore eye-liner and walked like a drunken poof. Then he called me a eunuch which got me v. angry. If I was a eunuch, then would I have to take my sheets to the laundry ladies so often? Horrible pirate cheated and covered me with chocolate powder, was v. certain he was going to lick it off me before drunken idiot guardian hit him over the head with a bottle. Miffed for the second time that day. I'm still a virgin for God's sake!

Marital update: Still hopelessly single and virgin.

Swords made: 7

Day 1/2

Was getting all sweaty and sexy making new sword; when for no reason decided to look out the window and became sure something bad was going to happen. Cannons went off and pirates started attacking. Decided to be heroic and kill them all. Didn't do too bad, but got distracted by Elizabeth running by in nothing but her night clothes. Was v. sexy. Got hit over head, felt v. stupid.

Marital update: As before, but all the more pathetic.

Swords made: 7 ½

Day 2

Woke up with hens all over me, unfortunately I don't mean women. Was the closest I have been to sexual relationships, but decided it wasn't a very good way to lose my virginity. Tried to redeem myself by being heroic and ordering Norrinton to find her. Whilst waving my arms around, I accidentally threw my axe on the table. Felt v. stupid. Was quite funny when Norrington couldn't get it out again, though. A guard mentioned Jack Sparrow, the chocolate powder pirate from yesterday, so I decided to go pay him a visit. Was working way up to getting Jack to lick chocolate powder off me, so asked about the Black Pearl. Saw his many gold teeth and reconsidered. Really should stop with many fantasies as most are v. icky. Decided he could help me get Elizabeth back because without me saving her life, I'm doomed to remain virgin forever. Tried to be clever by talking about double barrel hinges but he gave me the same look as when he asked me if I was a eunuch. Think he helped me because he liked my name, could be wrong. Used upturned boat to get to the Dauntless, still don't understand how that works. Got foot stuck in stupid lobster cage, on plus side, noticed Jack has v. nice bottom. Tried my hand at being all piratey but everyone laughed at me, stole the Interceptor from them which stopped their laughing. (Actually Jack pointing his pistol at Gillette did, but I like to think I did something special to). When on Interceptor, Jack made me do many annoying little tasks. When it came to licking the deck clean and eating all the flour to see if there were any weevils in it, I realized he was probably doing it on purpose. Was too full of flour to do anything about it, but still managed to ask the question I'd been meaning to ask Jack ever since I met him. Only he took it very badly and hit me with the boom of the ship. I mean I was only curious as to why he wore eyeliner. Think I'll have to wait a while before I ask if he's gay. Turns out my daddy was a pirate, realized I should have figured when he gave me the piece of gold with a skull on it. Still miffed.

Marital Status: Single, but considering Jack if I can't get Elizabeth

Swords made: 2 ½

Day 6

Arrived in Tortuga; ickiest, pirateiest, debauchery of a poop-hole ever. Jack took me to fat man who sleeps with pigs. Laughed when found out he was married to a boar, but got kicked by Jack. Don't think he likes me. All I want is to lose my virginity. Went to v. icky pub, Jack told me to keep a sharp eye, but made a sharp toothpick instead. Ugly drunk woman collapsed on me, nearly cried when realized it was the most interaction I've had with women my entire life.

Marital status: I just don't want to talk about it right now, ok?

Swords made: Extra pointy toothpick.

Day 7

Jack was complaining of hangover so went to where Gibbs had been sleeping and picked up load of stinky muck, tried to tell him it was a cure but he didn't believe me. It was a shame because I really wanted to get him back after discovering a weevil leg caught between my teeth. Then he tried to give me a banana, but I think bananas are icky so said no. Got v. confused when he said it wasn't for eating. Might hide in his wardrobe later and find out what he meant by it. Picked up crazy crew with midget man, talking parrot, and slapping woman included. Thought Jack was having me on again. There was a storm later and got soaked through. So did Jack and noticed how nice he looks with clothes clinging and going see-through, also noticed he had put the banana from earlier in his trouser pocket. Got slight fantasy but decided the chocolate powder one was better.

Marital status: Seriously thinking of forgetting about Elizabeth, have determined Jack is much sexier.

Swords made: Snapped the toothpick.

Day 8

Discovered purpose for banana at early hours in morning after long stake out (Jack had been in the storm for v. long time), was v. horrified. Elizabeth wouldn't do something like that, think I might prefer her. Reached Isle de Muerta where Gibbs told me about the mutiny against Jack but don't believe he used human hair for rope, I looked carefully in the storm and there was no hair. Went to shore in dingy with Jack, was quite cosy. Thought seeing as Elizabeth could be dead, I should try and get over the banana fiasco. Asked Jack if he was gay, but he threw me off the dingy. Think that might have been a no. Found Elizabeth but realized Jack just wanted his ship back, and then he would leave me forever. Deductively hit him over head with oar and saved Elizabeth. She is still v. sexy. Forgot about Jack and when Gibbs asked about him I made some rubbish up about him falling behind. Felt a bit mean though. Shared sexy moment with Elizabeth below deck, v. nearly kissed her when she started making me stroke her breast. Didn't complain. Then she gave me pirate gold daddy gave me, she obviously didn't realize I didn't care about the damn tacky jewellery and preferred to go lower. Got annoyed and slammed gold on table, she ran away before I could slam her on the table too. Why me!? Were caught up by Black Pearl, deciding I wanted some excitement, I said we should attack them. Realized that was v. bad idea. Big battle thingy. Elizabeth flashed at me though, that was good. Then saw Jack on other ship and decided to hide in case he came to get me for hitting him. Next thing I know the place is flooding and I can't get out. Held breath for impossible amount of time and made impossible escape. Hopped onto Black Pearl and demanded Elizabeth's release among other things that Jack helped me with. Think it went well. But then they decided to maroon Jack and Elizabeth which made me v. angry as I knew Jack would try to get it on with Elizabeth. Am now in brig. Not v. nice down here, no one to fantasize about.

Marital status: Doomed as Jack and Elizabeth so obviously going to get it on.

Swords made: None

Day 9

Taken back to Isle de Muerta. Lost count of how many pirates touched me in unwanted areas. Especially Barbossa. Nearly killed before Jack appears to save me. Was bitter about fact that he spent night with Elizabeth. He did give me a nice sword though, and it was v. fun driving it through undead pirates. Can't remember why but was in danger, then saved by Elizabeth. Didn't really care about the whole Jack thing just then. Turns out Jack was cheating on me and turned undead too. However in retrospect, it was only so he could kill Barbossa. After having fun blowing up pirates, decided it was time to lift the curse. Jack did this whole sexy shooting Barbossa thing. I did a sexy dropping the tacky gold into the tacky treasure chest thing. Discovered Elizabeth is to marry Norrington. I barfed when no one was looking. Thought I was doomed to be with Jack, but turns out Norrington is taking him away from me too. Evil git.

Marital status: Bloody gone

Swords made: Curtain rail made good undead pirate skewer.

Day 16

Norrington so not stealing both Elizabeth and Jack from me. Put best hat and cloak on. Fluffed up feather, got sword. Announced my undying love for Elizabeth in front of Norrington. Looked like he was going to blow so quickly made way through morbid crowds to escape him. Saw Jack and thought would be best if I killed him and not Norrington. Missed terribly. Decided to save him after all so fought executioner but tripped off platform, thankfully looked like a spiffy flip. Nearly escaped with Jack but got caught by many guards. Tried to get out of it by making some rubbish up about Jack being a good man, Elizabeth agreed. Am now certain something happened when the two of them were marooned. Jack made a spiffy escape on the Black Pearl, thought it made him look v. sexy. Also… HE LIKED MY HAT!!! Finally got to snog Elizabeth and amazingly turns out she loves me too, what luck! Norrington went off to sulk. Rather upset that Jack's gone, he was nifty. Hope he comes back one day…

Marital status: IN THERE!!

Swords made: 6, plus found new use for a noose. (hehe, that rhymes)

Isn't it amazing, I did an update the very day after my first installment. Well there's a simple answer to this puzzling phenonemon, it's half term, which means I have nothing better to do with my time. Unfortunately it's near the end of half term and I have to start doing my revision for a nice test when I get back to school :,( So I will have to fit the diaries in around tests and revision and all that horrific teenager stuff. I can tell you the next diary will be Elizabeth's so stay tuned for that.

Also though, I would like to thank all the people who have sent me such wonderful reviews. I have only been posting on recently, but you're comments are really great. Thanks!