Emily says: Well, as my forth Harry Potter fan fiction, I hope you like. ..and for those immature people on this site, please, if you have a problem with my story, I rather not here about it. I will only except the reviews trying to give me tips on how to improve my story.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, except for Josalynn. I only own her and this plot.

'Arguments with Myself'

Written and posted Thursday, November 3, 2004

Tuesday, April 7, 1977.

Josalynn's POV

I say quietly under a tree near the Quidditch field, James was playing today in Gryffindor against Hufflepuff and I was going to go watch his..seekerness. I needed to show my support, after all.

But of course, Remus was there too, and I didn't really want to face him. I wasn't ready to say things to him yet, I was a little to fearful..

Of what?

Everything.

Remus was always a sensible boy, why in the world would he let us do those things?

I wasn't ready, but then again.. I was..

Curse him for being so insatiable.. Damn him for letting me in.

But I loved him.. I said those words. Didn't he say them back?

Yes he did.

But did he mean it?

How did I even end up with him?

Remus Lupin of all people!

He was either to annoy me or me say rude comments to him.

We were not meant to share a bed.

But how did I know?

He admitted.. That he.. You know.. And so did I! And I of all people have a very hard time saying those words so they must of meant something!

Didn't it!?

Did I regret it!?

DID I!?

Of course not. I couldn't of regretted it.

I was a complete mess. I didn't like this confusion, so I started pacing around the tree trying to figure out how to fix this.

I was the one playing all the moves and Remus didn't rape me of anything.. I was the one with the upper hand last night, not like you needed to know.

But I'm scared of what happened, last time I moved so fast I had gotten mixed up in a lot of drama and I was afraid Remus would do those things to me.

But this was Remus I was talking about.

Remus would never do things like that.. He is too afraid I will kick him. I grinned slightly to my humor but it quickly washed away in my thoughts.

I was lost in lust and ecstasy with him.

Damn him and his ways of getting in stuck!

But I will not leave him.. My feelings are true, but I'm rushing things too much. I can't relive my past..

I must learn from my mistakes.

Getting dizzy from pacing, I stopped and looked at my world around my.

Finally my vision reflected on my feelings. Blurry and unstable.

Am I really unstable?

Oh curse everyone and everything..

It would be so much easier to be back at my old school with my old teachers and this pain I had once a month not be there.

It would so much easier if I had just kept to myself and not bothered to have compassion for anyone or anything.

Who said this place.. Earth isn't hell for some other place?

Ever think about that, and now… I think that's true because clearly I am going through a complete and horrible hell.

A horrible.. Horrible hell.

This sucks.

I sighed and plopped onto the ground. What was I going to do now?

Nothing..

Yes.. I guess so.. It's the only choice I have right?

Accept and forget..

But I didn't want to forget it.. Though I'm nervous about it, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it.

"Going to the match?" A voice drawled behind me and I turned around.

"Of course, Sirius.." I replied dully, but with an attempted enthusiasm.

"Then…. We are you here?"

"I was heading there…trying to head there at least.." I muttered the last part to myself but I guess he heard with the chuckle he gave me.

"Firewhiskey?" He questioned me.

"No!!" I almost screamed, but thankfully now.. "I was spinning..or rather pacing.." I said a lot calmer.

"Right.." He grinned like he thought I was lying.. I really wasn't.. I swear.

"Pumpkin head.." I muttered under my breathe.

"Lynn….Honestly.. Please try to come up with better insults.. I've been called adorable, handsome, and down right hot.. But never in my life have I been called a pumpkin head never the less a fat gerbil.." He replied with an eyebrow raised.

"I think it suits you.." I shrugged.

"You think I look like a fat gerbil?" Sirius questioned.

I only shrugged again and let his imagination take place.

"So, are we going to watch the match or not?" He asked. "Remus was looking for you.." he added at the end and I nodded, standing up. I had a little blush on my face from the name Remus and Sirius laughed at me, which I punished with a smack at his arm.

I had to face him.. To tell the truth, I rather wanted to.

Thanks reviewers! Again! I can not reply and I am deeply sorry for your wait, but I have written this same chapter over 3 times.. My computer would not save this for a while and that was another delay..

Sorry again but I'm also trying to write 3 other stories except for this.. But I will let you know this story is my number one favorite and I will ALWAYS update…unless I die.

If you have any questions, please e-mail me.