Chapter Three: Galahad

"Everyone thinks that they control their life, only to realize that Fate is what controls them."

-Abraham Lincoln

As the final moment of Badon Hill ended, Galahad was more relieved than before. He had survived, the battle that he thought he would not survive. As he killed the last Saxon, plunging his sword in the opponents abdomen, he pulled out the sword and stood...looking at it. Blood covered the sword from top to bottom, blood of his, blood of the Saxons. His face was melancholy, a feeling of astonishment wavered over him and he looked down, finally developing a feeling of regret. All the men he had killed, all the families who will go home without a father, a son, a brother...he felt a soreness for them, he felt sympathetic for them...this was the first time he's ever felt for someone he had killed. Perhaps the realization that he was free that gave him such thoughts in his mind. The logic he was thinking, it was uneasy to him, it was...nonfamiliar with him, and that...scared him for a moment.

For now he knew that he would be living with every man's death for the rest of his life now.

This sent him even in more of a depressing time. As he walked towards Arthur and Guinevere, whom were already joined by Gawain, all looking downward, their faces showing of sadness. Guinevere's face was streaked with tears, Arthur's was distant and cold, no emotion shone in his eyes and Gawain...Gawain was looking as if he'd do anything to forget this day. When he approached, he realized at what they were all mourning over. There, beneath and centered laid the dead corpse of one of their own. Their beloved and loyal knight, Lancelot. And a few feet from there was Tristan, both with a placid face upon them, pale and without light. Instantly a feeling of emptiness washed over him and he fell to his knees, his face showing of disbelief and denial. Shaking, trembling, he only felt despair as he looked longingly at the two bodies, the bodies of his brothers, the family he never knew beforehand. He heard the quick footsteps of the last knight to survive, Bors and abruptly stopped in his tracks when he saw the bodies of the two knights...and at the moment, all five of them were thinking the exact same thing.

The following night after that had been truly hard on Galahad, the fact of saying good-bye never occurred to him, for he always thought his life would end in a battle, before he was freed. But as the day had finally come, he realized how hard it was to say good-bye to the people who he felt was the most important people in his life. He had been fighting for fifteen years, fighting for something that was not clear to him, but as he hugged Bors, the thoughts of why began to spring into his mind as clear as crystal water. He finally realized why it was he who survived each battle that he faced, it was for his home. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he still can't grasp what the image of home was like...the feeling of family, the feeling of belonging...the feelings that he wished to hold forever. Perhaps it was that reason, that he longed to refresh his memory. Perhaps...perhaps he had known this all along.

Galahad had always been strong, he always had a strong heart, strong mind, but at each time at night, his emotions took over and he stood silent for several minutes, thinking the day over. Remembering the feel of the blood that splattered on him, some of it managing to get into his mouth. The taste of the blood was hot, and he at that moment always turned his face in disgust, turning it to himself. He could safely say he was the only one who felt guilt for those he killed, even for those why tried to kill him, but he was known to have a gentle heart...Galahad was kind and gentle. The thoughts of this ran through him as his closest friend Gawain stepped forward to him.

To his unliking, Galahad began to feel hot in his face, the tears threatened to leave him as he and Gawain stared at each other for a moment, their faces knowing what the other was thinking and all at once they grasped each other in a hug...and hug that bonded all brotherhood. Galahad then broke apart and turned away, determined not to let Gawain or Bors see his face, a face of remorse, a face of guilt, a face of sadness. He turned his attention to Arthur who only greeted him with a handshake and spoke, "Galahad..." his voice trailed a moment, to be sure he had Galahad's attention then continued, "Knight...brother...friend, you have shown greatness. Go back...go back to where you came from...taste the freedom in the air again, Galahad. Remember what home looked like. Heard like. Smelt like. Tasted like. Remember the thing you have been longing to remember," Arthur said nothing a moment, watching Galahad's expression at his words and turned to leave as Gawain and Bors left the Wall on their own way to their freedom.

For a moment, Galahad stood, taking in everything and restoring it in his mind. The peasants scurrying and talking amongst themselves, the rush of the wind, sending flying dust everywhere and he smiled, for he knew that as long as he lived and there on, he would not forget this single minute. And with that he patted his great brown horse and rode away from the Wall, away from Arthur...away from a cage.

He meant to settle and build a home, a place that he can truly call home. A place that a family presence will ease his pain. Find a wife, have children and forget the past that he desperately wished he could do. The visions of his killing still flooded his mind frequently but as years passed, they began to fade from his sight and to his delight, he began to slowly feel as if he had really moved on this time. But as years passed, his feeling of loneliness began to wash over him, for he never found a wife and his constant traveling made him involved with fights or battles...battles that he needed to forget. The fighting, killing was the only reason to why he left the Wall, behind there were memories of too much and he left, hoping to forget what had happened. But his life as a rogue still continued and he could not find a place to settle, a place to live the life he has always wanted too.

His desperateness caused him even more despair, for he needed to settle down, but each time he tried, each time he felt as if this time it was real, something had always snatched the opportunity from him and he hated that. He hated being weak and for some reason he felt as if this was all his fault, his inability to have a family, have the things that he wanted...needed to have. The dreams of his battles, those before freedom and those after, began to become more frequent as his life began to depress, the battles were more enhanced. He could feel the blood when it spattered on him, taste it, smell it. He could touch the despair, the hatred, the sadness in a killed man's family. Emotions that were so intense, so vibrated that he began to feel nauseous.

Upon a dream one night, Galahad was surprised to see his mind free of battles for once. Instead of a painted woad before him, he felt a man of light approach him. At first, Galahad was blinded by the radiant light that the man had emitting from him, but as his eyes adjusted to the brightness, he studied the man...only to find that it was God. God smiled at Galahad, whose face was even more surprised as he realized who this man was, he raised a hand, signaling for God to stop and he did so, "Why do you come in dreams?" he asked, now shielding his eyes from the brightness.

God smiled, his form of a man muscular and his skin light, flawless, "I only come to those who are in need."

"Why must you say that I am in need. I am free now, I have nothing more."

"There is one thing that you cannot possess, one thing that you cannot get a hold of. The one thing you have desperately been searching for."

"I have no desire for anything more than what I have," Galahad frowned, it was a lie, both he and God knew that well.

"Home."

Galahad's eye's widened at God's words. Only a simple word and already Galahad began to feel sorrow, his tears forming and he forced them back, he turned away from God, hoping the holy man would not see his tears. At this, the man chuckled, "Do not be afraid to shed the tears of sorrow, Galahad. It's a natural state to be sad...as well as angry...happy. You must chose which you wish to be."

Galahad said nothing as the Man began to walk toward him, the light pressing even more into his eyes as he shielded again...but instantly the light vansihed and he was able to see a man, dressed in white face him, a warm smile still on his face. God stood in front him, radiant sky colored eyes, a tall and lean body, a face of knowing, "Home, Galahad. It's what you've been searching for," it was a statement, not a question, "And yet, you cannot find it. Do you know why?"

Galahad shook his head, his mouth had lost the language of words. He was speechless, could this really be a dream? God smiled again, "It's because your soul is not looking for a place to call home. Your soul searches for adventure...for the feeling of a rush when you run into a fight."

"I wish for a home, a place where I can forget what I've done. All the sins I've committed."

"You have committed none. You have suffered long enough to repay your sins, your soul only wants what you've been wanting all along. You are in no need of a home, Galahad, for your state of mind would not change if you had. All along you were searching for adventure, all along your soul was happy, all along you've been thankful. You are not meant to forget those sins that you possess in your mind. The memories a person has, good and bad, are the things that make up that person. The memory, the regrets, the hatred, the guilt that you have, is what makes you...you. You are meant to be who you are now, Galahad and who you are now is not meant to settle down. Who you are now...is meant to roam free in the world and discover the true meaning of 'freedom'."

Galahad's face showed of surprise again. The words of God pierced him through the heart. His mind told him to reject the offer that the man put into his mind, he told himself that he shouldn't listen to that man. So what if he is God? He isn't Galahad's God, he is a nobody to him. What if he isn't really God? What if...what if he was right? A voice muttered to him in the back of his head the stood out more than the rest that was speaking. He silently cursed himself, his face showing of anger and fustration, then turned back to the man, "Why? Why must I live? Why must I live to see the faces of all I killed in my dreams? Why do they haunt me? Why do I only think of them? Why me?" he shouted, talking more to himself than to the man who was speaking to him.

The man only smiled, the light again luminating him, "I understand your pain, Galahad, I understand why you suffer. But as said before, memories of the bad always help a person remember what's good and what's bad, it makes a person who they are. If you only lived with good memories, would you be who you are now? Are you not happy with who you are now?"

At this, Galahad paused. In his mind he felt as if he was the worst person alive, but when he thought back on it, he realized that everything he has done now has led up to this moment. Everything that was noble wasn't for himself, but for other people who needed their help, for people who can't fend for themselves, for people who deserved such protection. Everything that was sinful was the right thing to do, the people who didn't deserve death now found a happy place. Can he believe that? Can he believe that the people he killed are silently thanking him? Can he believe that everything, everything he has done been for someone other than himself? The thoughts of this occurred to him and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that all this time, he wasn't looking for home. All this time, he wasn't looking for a place to forget his woes. All this time, he wasn't looking for hope and forgiveness. All this time, he was looking for anything to make him feel secure in the world. The man smiled as the knight thoughts unraveled, he then cast his hand out and spoke, "Be at peace, Galahad, for you deserve such."

And with that Galahad woke with a jolt. It took a moment before Galahad felt more refreshed and awake than he ever had before.

Galahad end.

Author Note: Do realize that if I have offended anyone with the use of God in this chapter, I deeply apologize for doing so. I believed that having Galahad talk to 'God' might make things a little more interesting, and I am sorry if you take your religion seriously and are offended by this chapter, but do realize that I mean no harm when I use him in this chapter. Thanks.

One more chapter to go (Gawain)! New fanfics then! YAY! Please read review! Tell me what you think, k?