Rape no Jutsu
A/N: Dedicated to Keepin it gully who thought up this hilarious idea! Enjoy!
"Sorry, Temari, I just thought that by now it would be pretty obvious that I'm not interested in you."
Shikamaru walked away from Temari who was left sad and lonely. But really, what was she doing in Konoha anyway? And why was Temari interested in him? He was only twelve and had barely begun puberty so how could anyone of her age be interested in him?
Temari was now determined. If she couldn't get Shikamaru then what was she supposed to tell Gaara and Kankuro who were waiting back at, you know, that village that she's supposed to be in but is for some reason not.
So, Shikamaru shook head and wandered off.
Temari sat down on a park bench. As Shikamaru got out of earshot, something else began to ring in her ear. The soft, sweet melody of a song she knew, and suddenly she could feel music in her heart and simply could not hold it within her any longer. With no fear of her image and how startled everyone would be, she leapt up on the bench and let out a loud lament.
"In the stiiiiilllll…of the niiiiight!" she began, singing as loudly as she could. "I held youheld you tiii-ight! Cause I loooooove! Love you soo—ooo!"
She held both her hands over her heart and jumped over to a nearby fountain, sashaying around the edges of it as water shot up into the air. "Promise I'll neverrrr Let you gooooo!"
She kicked the water as it splashed up.
"In the stillof the nii-iiight…"Hinata, Tenten, Ino and Sakura just so happened to be walking by at this point and, not wanting to miss their opportunity to join in on the singing, they ran over and formed a line behind her.
"Shodoh shobee doh! Shodoh shobee doh!" they sang, shuffling back and forth as Temari jumped off the fountain."Hey, just who are you singing about?" Tenten asked as a music interlude took over in the song, giving them time to converse while still swaying.
Temari gave a heavy sigh. "Shikamaru…" she said.
"Shikamaru?" Ino repeated, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes!" said Temari as she grabbed a lamppost and swung herself around it. "Shikamaru!"
The four girls shrugged at each other as the song started up again.
"I remember! That night in May!" Temari continued as she stood in front of the four and began snapping her fingers, and the four girls joined in as they stepped back and forth to the music. "The stars were bright abo—oo-ooo-ove!"
"Hey." came a voice as the song scratched off track and the five girls promptly stopped their dancing and singing. They looked up to see Shikamaru standing there.
"Shikamaru!" said Temari, rushing forward but then stopping as he put his hand up.
"I don't understand why you have an obsession with me all of a sudden, but what you're doing right here is just weird." Shikamaru confessed. Temari buried her face in her hands and ran away in tears.
"Shikamaru, don't you think that was a little harsh?" Ino said.
"Whatever." Said Shikamaru.
"Hey look!" yelled Sakura as they dramatically pointed at Sasuke as he sauntered by. "It's Sasuke!"
They all chased after him.
Shikamaru watched them go and paused for a moment. He turned around and started walking away again, wondering what other sort of troublesome problems he was going to encounter throughout his day.
"Hey Shikamaru!" came Chouji's voice as he ran up to his bestest friend in the whole wide world.
Shikamaru looked up. "Oh, hi Chouji." He said.
"You know, I was just wandering around randomly and then I heard strange music and people singing and I followed my ears and my heart and that brought me here!" Chouji announced openly. "So I was wondering if you knew anything about it or had anything to do with it."
"Yeah…" Shikamaru sighed. "Temari is unrealistically in love with me and friends with the other girls our age. And what's worse, she was SINGING."
"Oh, I hate it when that happens." Chouji frowned.
"Yeah, tell me about it." Shikamaru said, looking ALMOST distraught. "Well, I'm heading home. It's getting dark."
"All right!" said Chouji. "See you later, Shikamaru!"
Shikamaru waved to his friend and began his meander home.
Meanwhile, Temari was very lonely and sad, just like she had earlier been. Except now it was getting cold and dark.
She sniffed. "In the still…" she cried. "Of…the night…" She let out a loud sob as the sky suddenly exploded with light and a crash of thunder boomed through the night. She looked up at the sky to see rain start to fall. "I…held you… held you tight…"
Oh woe is Temari. How sad she was.
"Hey." Came someone behind her. She turned around to see a strange hooded man in a large trench coat standing behind her. "I can tell that you're having love troubles."
"Who are you?" Temari asked, standing up.
The man whipped out an umbrella. "It doesn't matter who I am." he said. "The important thing is what I'm going to teach you to help win the heart of your man."
"You can get Shikamaru to love me?" Temari gasped.
"No." said the man as Temari's face fell. "YOU can get Shikamaru to love you."
"Oh!" said Temari with a laugh. "But…why are you doing this for me?"
"Well…" said the man as he reached for his hood. "Your brother gave me the greatest time of my life just a short while ago and, due to the restraining order, I have no way of repaying him so I will repay him vicariously through you."
He removed the hood to reveal that he was Misumi! AHH!
"No!" gasped Temari, stumbling away from him. "You're Misumi! My brother told me all about you and how you wronged him during the Chuunin Exam Preliminaries!"
"But just think!" said Misumi, grabbing Temari's shoulders and holding her in place. "Don't you realize what my powers can do? Don't you realize what you could do with powers like mine!"
Temari tore away from Misumi. "You're sick!" she yelled as she started running away.
"TEMARI!" yelled Misumi. "YOU'LL SEE IT SOON ENOUGH! AND WHEN YOU DO, I WILL TAKE YOU AS MY PUPIL! YOU WILL LEARN RAPE NO JUTSU!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Temari, putting her hands over her ears and running away as fast as possible.
I don't think Temari could try to deny that she would love to know Misumi's technique. There's no telling when she'd need to rape someone, but she didn't want to acquire Shikamaru's love by force, no matter how fun and entertaining it would be for her.
Then again, knowing Rape no Jutsu could come in handy… er… later! Sometime down the road!
Yeah! That's it! Temari just had to be well adverse in many forms of ninjutsu! So why shouldn't she learn Rape no Jutsu? It's always good to have a lot of jutsus and it's not like she was JUST going to use it on Shikamaru… if she even did it at all!
She decided to consult her best friend EVER…Sakura.
You see, you never see it in the show but Temari and Sakura are really good friends. They have sleepovers and talk all night about boys and invite each other to their birthday parties.
"Temari, you're soaking wet!" said Sakura as she pulled her best best best friend inside her house so she could dry off.
"Thanks Sakura." Said Temari with a sigh. "I have to admit, though, I didn't come here just to dry off. I need someone to talk to."
"Sure, anything!" said Sakura.
"Well…" began Temari.
And then she explained the whole story to Sakura. At first, Sakura was shocked and confused, then disgusted, then intrigued and then shocked and confused again.
"Wait…" said Sakura. "So you're telling me that the master of the legendary Rape no Jutsu technique offered to teach it to you and you said NO?"
"Well…yeah…" Temari said, blushing.
"MY advise is to go back out there and find him!" Sakura said, standing up and getting determined. "I just wish this Misumi guy would teach ME the Rape no Jutsu!"
"Wow!" said Temari. "It's all clear now! Thanks so much Sakura! I'll see you at Kin's birthday party next week!"
"See you then!" said Sakura, since both of them were also really good friends withKin too.
Temari went outside to find that it stopped raining and that it was morning. She started skipping as she searched down the same alley that she had met Misumi the night before.
"Looking for me?" came Misumi's voice as he appeared behind her.
She jumped and turned around.
"Yes." She said with a determined tone. "I wish to learn your Rape no Jutsu technique."
"Excellent." Said Misumi. "I've been waiting for a worthy student to pass on my Jutsus of Violation to."
"Teach me everything you know!" Temari said.
"All right, this is what you have to do…" Misumi started.
Misumi and Temari trained day in and day out, meeting whenever they could. A week went by, and Temari was progressing faster than Misumi had ever imagined and he even suspected that she was a natural at these Jutsus of Violation that had taken him all his life to learn!
"Where are you going?" Misumi asked as Temari suddenly started walking away from training.
"Kin's birthday party." Said Temari. "I wouldn't miss it for the world!"
"You must complete your training." Said Misumi.
"I'll complete my training once I get back!" said Temari.
"Don't try to use any of the techniques before your training is complete!" said Misumi as he collapsed into a heap of garbage while Temari skipped off to go to her second best friend's birthday party.
"So, what do you girls want to do?"Kin asked.
"Temari, how has your training been going?" Sakura questioned. She had already explained to everyone why she was doing it and who was teaching it to her so it was no secret.
"All right…" sighed Temari. "I wish I could progress faster, though, because I can't wait any longer to use my new techniques."
"Shikamaru won't even be expecting it because he'll think that you're going to use that fan." Said Hinata.
Temari nodded. Along with the size, height and age difference, the element of surprise was another advantage she had over the little man.
Speaking of that little man, he had happened to notice that Temari's random obsession with him had suddenly disappeared. And he had noticed it quite on the spot just then because he looked up from his current activity of playing Shougi with Chouji and looked around, half expecting Temari to leap out of the bushes with another attempt to get him to date her.
"What are you looking for, Shikamaru?" Chouji asked curiously.
"I don't know…" Shikamaru said. "Have you noticed that we haven't seen Temari around much lately?"
Chouji nodded. "Really, Shikamaru, is that a BAD thing?" Chouji said. "I thought a lack of Temari bothering you would make you happier."
"It does." Shikamaru glared at Chouji. How DARE Chouji make the insinuation that he might think that Shikamaru liked Temari because that was totally untrue. And it's not even something that he'll go back on later because he definitely had no interest in Temari, or any girls for that matter. Or guys either, so he would have enough of Chouji looking so hopeful all the time.
Meanwhile, when the birthday party was over, Temari packed up her stuff, said goodbye to her girlfriends and then made her way back over to where she had been training with Misumi only to find him still lying in the garbage as if he was dying.
"Misumi, are you all right?" Temari asked, caressing his head in her lap.
Misumi coughed. "Temari, my time has come." He whispered.
"What?" said Temari. "You were fine just a couple of hours ago!"
Misumi coughed again. "You see," he began. "There is a hazard to knowing Rape no Jutsu. It comes with acquiring an uncountable amount of STDs and, unfortunately, since I use the technique so copiously, I have them all. Even the ones that only females can get."
Temari winced. To much information.
"So my time in this world is coming to an end." Misumi continued. "Remember all I have taught you and reach for your dreams. And tell your brother that I am sorry for scarring him from fighting anymore to the point in which he had to drop out of the tournament."
"Oh, Kankuro dropped out because of our plan to take over Konoha, it had nothing to do with you." Temari informed him.
Misumi frowned. "Oh." He said. "Well, in that case, don't apologize to him for me. Tell him that what we had was magical and I will love him forever."
"Um…okay…" Temari said, feeling a little uncomfortable now.
"Good…bye…" said Misumi as his hand fell in slow motion and his body faded into nothingness, leaving behind only his trench coat in Temari's arms.
"I will remember you forever…" said Temari as she hugged the coat.
Then, with a determined look in her face, she rose to her feet. Tonight was the night. Tonight was the night she would use her brand new technique on Shikamaru and have her way with him.
Temari looked up at the sky as clouds began to form, showing the beginning signs of a rainstorm. "Well befooooo-re the liii-ight!" she bellowed. "Hold me again! With all of your might! In the still of the niiiight."
With that, she sprinted off.
Shikamaru sat up in bed with a grand sneeze. Wow, that was weird.
He suddenly had a bad feeling. Why hid he suspect that he was in trouble? There was no need to be afraid, Shikamaru told himself as he lied back down and pulled the covers up to his nose. But just to be safe, why not turn on the light?
He flipped the switch on with his foot.
He could hear the pitter patter of rain begin outside his window.
Okay, so maybe he was a little freaked out.
"Maybe I'll just…get something to drink…" he told himself as he got up out of bed and made his way downstairs, turning on every light as he went. This was so not like him! Something must seriously be messed up because there was no excuse for this kind of behavior.
With every step he took, he thought he heard something behind him. Every time he turned his head, he could have sworn that a shadow darted through a doorway, slowly inching closer.
He opened up the refrigerator and, although the room was already well lit because of the light, he decided to leave it open just for a little extra light… and also, what if there was someone hiding inside? Well, not now, that's for sure.
Then he stopped and took a deep breath.
"Get a hold of yourself, Shikamaru." He mumbled, turning the sink on and splashing some cold water on his face. "There's nothing to get yourself so worked up about."
He grabbed a towel and dried off his face. He looked up out the window that was right in front of the sink and hardly kept himself from screaming in terror as the face of the one he had been trying to forget had suddenly appeared, watching his every move.
He tripped on the rug that was on the floor and fell down, hitting his head. Quickly, he scrambled to his feet and looked out the window again, seeing that Temari's face was now gone.
He put his hand over his heart to find that it was beating faster than something that goes really really really REALLY fast. He swallowed hard and leaned on the counter, shaking his head slightly and trying to get that image out of his brain. Forever.
That's when he heard voices.
"Shikamaru…"
"What?" Shikamaru said, turning around to see that there was no one there.
"Oh Shikamaru"
He spun around again but once again didn't see anyone.
"Get out of my house!" he yelled.
Then laughter.
Well, there was only one way to escape this person and that was to run faster than the speed of light.
And that's what Shikamaru did. And, in his haste and confusion, he somehow flung himself out the door and started running down the street, getting poured on by the rain… in his pajamas no less!
Well now what?
He slowly stopped running and looked behind him, in front of him, to the sides, up, down, in every which direction.
No one.
A sigh of relief.
Wait, was that…!
No, just a dog.
"Calm down." Shikamaru demanded of himself as he started walking, trying to find somewhere to end up. Curse that Temari! Curse her and her random fanatical obsession!
He looked up suddenly to find that he was in a dark alley, someplace he definitely didn't want to be. It was night, it was cloudy and he was now in an alley. Yup, there were definitely no shadows around anywhere. Time to leave this alley…PRONTO.
He turned around to suddenly see her. TEMARI.
And for some reason, she looked extra tall tonight. Maybe it was because she had purposely worn shoes that would make her tall so she could go for the effect of obvious dominance over Shikamaru who didn't have much authority ANYWAY, but it also could be because of all the anticipation the poor dear had to go through up to this point!
He tried to back up, but slipped on something, falling right into a puddle. It's not like it mattered anyway, though, because he was already all wet.
"Shikamaru, I've been training for a whole week to perfect this technique just for YOU!" Temari announced. "Do you want to know what it is?"
"I don't want to know what it is." Shikamaru said as he tried to crab walk away from her but that didn't go over so well.
"Well too bad!" Temari said. She stood over him as he cowered in fear like a sissy. "Rape no—"
"WAIT!"
Temari stopped, and Shikamaru opened his eyes. They both looked behind them to see Kankuro standing there.
"What do you want, Kankuro?" Temari asked with a sigh.
"Temari, this is so the opposite of right." Said Kankuro.
"So?" said Temari.
Kankuro paused for a moment, trying to think up an argument for that one.
"Um…so…" he started. "So you shouldn't do it!"
Temari glared at Kankuro.
"Believe me." Kankuro said. "It's not something anyone should have to go through! I know because I've been through it! And it traumatized me so much that I was too afraid to fight Shino so that's why I backed out of the tournament."
"Really?" said Temari. "I never knew!"
"Yes, it is true." Said Kankuro dramatically.
"Liar."
Everyone spun around to see Shino standing there.
"Um…what are you doing here?" Temari asked.
"I stalk Kankuro." Shino replied honestly and flatly. "Waiting for my perfect time to strike."
"That is SO weird." Said Temari.
"Well, Temari, it's not far off from what you're doing to me." Said Shikamaru, standing up and pointing a finger up in the air.
Temari was just about to argue Shikamaru's completely justified comment when she stopped and realized there was no such way of doing so.
"Why won't you leave me alone?" demanded Kankuro.
"I've told you, it is your fault that I did not have my opportunity to fight and therefore I could not become a chuunin so—" began Shino.
"This is NOT about you two!" said Temari. "I'm about to have my revelation and if I have it while you guys are arguing or fighting then it won't mean as much!"
"Well, hurry up and have it so I can go home and dry off." Shikamaru said.
Temari looked up at the sky and realized that she had gotten lost in her unrealistic quest for Shikamaru's affection. For when she started, she was willing to do anything, but not use FORCE! And now look at her! Sometime in the middle of her training and hard work she lost sight of herself and focused on her Jutsus of Violation.
"These Jutsus won't bring ANYONE happiness!" Temari exclaimed finally. "Because I highly doubt that Shikamaru will like me after I do them… and I'll have no sense of fulfillment afterwards!"
Shikamaru gave a sigh of relief.
"Shikamaru, can you ever forgive me?" Temari asked.
"Um…sure…whatever." Shikamaru said, trying to back away from her.
"And…maybe…even…love me?" Temari pushed.
"Never." Shikamaru said truthfully. "Not now, not ever. Especially not after tonight."
Temari sighed heavily. "Well, it was worth a shot." She said. "Come on, Kankuro, we have to go home because now Gaara's there alone."
She turned around to see that Kankuro was only a steaming heap on the ground. She gasped and slapped her cheeks and, it was then that she realized, only a man powerful enough to defeat Kankuro with such ease could possibly be worthy of her love. Therefore, she would spend the rest of her days chasing after… Shino!
And poor Shino. So unsuspecting. All he wanted to do was be a chuunin.