Chapter 2

shancai's chapter

As I walk down the aisle, I look at the altar I saw the four most special man in my life, and there he was Dao Ming Si, he's looking at me with so much admiration written all over his face, I been dreaming of this day to come to marry the man I truly love, that one day finally no one can ever bring us apart, that finally we become one, then I heard him say,

"Take care of her lei"

Then lei reach out for my hand, the realization comes in, as I give my hand to lei I look at Dao Ming si and he look back at me, I hold my tears back, as I know our story was really ended.

I shouldn't be feeling like this, I know I love lei, how cannot I? Ever since he's been there, when Dao Ming si dump me, he was the one who was constantly comforting me, lending his shoulder for me to cry on, his words that lighten up my heavy heart, his love is the reason, why I move on, I took a deep breath, I know I should forget, forget what's all should be forgotten, as the ceremony went on, I couldn't hardly hear what the priest say, knowing that behind me, there was the man I dream of being my… oh no this is unfair to lei, I should stop now, I concentrate on the ceremony, I decided, I will stand on my decision , and I constantly repeating to myself , I love lei, I love lei!

The ceremony was finally ended, everybody seems to be happy for us, then here he comes, shaking hands with lei, then he looked at me for a few second, before I knew it he was hugging me, his embrace was too much to define, I don't know if I'm only hallucinating, but there's something I feel thru that embrace, then he whisper,

"Take care of yourself"

I swear I saw tears in his eyes, but why? He don't love me anymore, do I see pain in his eyes? No it couldn't be, I was still in daze when he let go, and he said he would be leaving first, I don't know but he acts as if he was going somewhere,

I remember when we announce that we, lei and I are getting married, he congratulate us, I scolded myself for thinking that he will object, that time, I wasn't completely get over him, there's something inside of me wishing, or doI? Do I completely get over him? I don't know, all I know that I want lei to be happy and I know that when I accept him, I will make him happy enough,

The reception comes out smoothly

"Are you leaving tonight for Venice? Meizuo asked

"We are leaving tomorrow" lei said

"Congratulations man!" ximen added

"Hey! Where's ah si?" meizuo asked

"He said he will be leaving first" lei replied

Both ximen and meizuo look at each other, then shrugs

Right after the wedding reception we went at lei's house tomorrow morning we are going to Venice for our honeymoon,

"Are you happy? Lei said

"Of course" I uttered

Next morning we are on our way to the airport when I remember something

"Lei can you tell the chauffer to drop me first at my house I forgot something"

" Ok, Ben, drive as to shancai's house"

When we reach the house I told lei to wait for me to the car,

" I'll be back in a minute"

"Take your time!" he smiled

I open the door, I get myself inside, and find myself staring at the lights resembles the meteor necklace that dms gave me, I was urge to stroke my hands through that form lights, and then I realize lei is waiting for me outside, I promise myself that when we get back from our honeymoon, I will take those lights away, I went inside and get my gift for lei, as I was about to open the door, I saw letter on my mail box, I wonder where might this came from.

I saw a familiar handwritten on the envelope, it hasn't any stamp, it was just drop on my mail box, and my name was written outside the envelope, I don't know but there's something in that letter that makes me tremble, I took the paper out of the envelope and read the letter.

Dearest shancai,

I know when you read this maybe I'm in a far away place, and I guess you would never see me again, I been debating to myself if I had to do this, but then again, you know I can't leave without saying goodbye to you.

I went on the doctor 6 months ago, he said that I have only 6 months to live, he said that I have a brain tumor and it's on final stage, there's no operation that can cure me, I feel so devastated not for my self but for you, ever since that we had a relationship, you been depending on me, you looked at me as unbeatable man.

I know how you felt safe when you was with me, maybe it's my fault that I spoiled you, that now you really depending on me, but you can't blame me, it's my happiness, I know how you would break down, if you would find out about this.

I know you cannot take this, maybe you will die first before me, and I don't want that to happen, so I rather choose you to hate me, than to see you dying with me, I never tell anyone, f3 was so mad at me, they can't believe that I did it to you, but I told them I have my reason, and no one can ever change that.

I know lei will be there for you, and I expect that , you both always have a special feelings toward each other, you are not aware, that I'm following you everyday, and broke my heart every time I saw you crying on lei's shoulder, how I hated myself for bringing you so much pain, and how I wish I was the one who's holding you then, then days passed by, I know something between you starting to bloom.

I witness the first time you kissed after we broke up, it was much more than painful than my head when I was being attacked of my sickness, I told them that I will travel for business , but they never know that I didn't leave the country, the doctor advised me to go to States, for more high tech procedure, but I refuse, I rather spend my last days here, watching you from the distance,

The pain is unbearable after the chemotherapy, how I wish you were there for me, but I take it all alone,the thoughts of you is the only reason why I'm holding on, the thoughts of maybe someday ill be better.

I always put your picture beside my bed, and looked at our album, where there are our pictures while we are spending happy moments together, then I received the news that you were getting married, I stop the chemotherapy to have my self time, to regain my looks, I have lost hair, and I looked damn pale, with the help of the make up, I look closely the same as I was.

When I meet you again, the first time I met you face to face after we broke up, I really wanted to embrace you and tell you how much I love you, but then, I stop myself and instead giving you both a best wishes, somehow I saw a little disappointment in your eyes, I know deep in your heart, there's still a place for me, and with that somehow I felt a little happy,

Sorry shancai, if I hurt you, I was hurt too, but I believe that is the only way that you can take my situation easy, I know when the time comes and you found out about my illness, you have completely forgotten me, because you already given your love to lei, goodbye shancai, my one and only shancai, I will bringing with me my love for you until the end.

Dao Ming si

My hands was shaking when I was confirmed to whom the letter came from, I felt my tears run down to my face uncontrollably and I shake my head repeatedly, I was trembling so hard that I broke down on my knees, I felt that I don't have any strength to stand up, I was breathing so hard that I was catching up from my breath, I close my eyes wishing that when I open my eyes the content of the letter would change, but still the same, my heart was beating so fast that my heart will explode at any minute,

" No it can't be!"

I tried to absorb what was written,

" He said 6 months! and this is the 6th month, my god !"

I sat on the stairs and get my cell phone, I dial his number, and it was ringing

"Pick up the phone, for god sake Dao Ming si!" then a voice mail

"Dao Ming si, where are you? Are you ok? Call me back please!"

Then I saw lei rushing up towards me

"Shancai" he said with a worried look on his face

" Something happened!"

With that I felt my heart was beating very fast, I don't want to hear anymore, I looked at lei, he didn't noticed that I was crying he was anxious too

"Is it Dao Ming si?"

He nod, and help me stand, then he told Ben, to drive us in the hospital

"W—what happened?" the words barely came out from my mouth

"He was found unconscious at the beach"

I close my eyes and bit my lips, as I imagine dms dropping the letter on my mailbox and stare outside my house for a while before he leaves

When we reach the hospital we saw ximen waiting outside,

" W—where is he?"

Ximen lead us without saying any word, he too was consumed with his own fear and worries.

I want to run, but my knees are shaking, I felt that is the longest walk I ever had in my life, I almost fall down but lei catch me,

"Shancai! Can you walk?"

"Y—yes…" he hold my hands and I felt his hands was cold too

Ximen lead us to the ICU, at least not in the morgue, with that thought my hands get even colder

I saw meizuo talking to the doctor, but when he saw us he walks toward us

"How is he?" lei asked

Meizuo looked at me, I hate the look of his face, it was more far than how he looked at me when they were playing on me, the first time dms get beaten by xiao shun, and he looks like he was came from crying.

"Common let's see him" lei said

As we walked towards him, I saw DMS with so many medical machine connected to his body, he has NGT, oxygen and many more, he looked pale and lifeless, I can't fight my tears anymore, seeing the man I love lying in the bed helplessly, his eyes was shut, the only thing that assure me that he's still alive is the respirator that still moving.

" Let's talk outside" meizuo said

" Ok, shancai are you going to stay here?" lei asked

"Yeah! Please!"

As the F3 leaves the ICU, I look at DMS and hold his hand,

"Dao Ming Si…."

He slowly opens his eyes and smile weakly,

"Why didn't you tell me? You are so unfair! you think that making me hate you, would make me less love you?"

He motion me to get a pen and a paper, he is so weak that he doesn't have any strength to talk, slowly he write a message,

-Sorry-

I cant hardly understand the word he wrote because his hands was weak

" Pig head! Don't say sorry, you can't leave me, if you leave me, I will never forgive you! Do you understand?"

I said to him thinking that if I nag him he will get up from his bed. But he just looked at me with his eyes are misty, I know he was trying not to show me he was about to cry, I burry my face on the side of the bed, and sob, he gently stroke my hair, and he motion again me to get the paper and the pen,

-Don't cry-promise me-

Then he wipe away the tears in my eyes, I get his hands and put it on my face, he look at me as if wants me to answer him back

" I will promise that I will not cry, if you promised me first that you would never leave me"

He looked at me sadly and close his eyes, then he shake his head slowly, he look at me again waiting for the answer he wanted to hear, I know it takes a lot of strength for him to communicate with me at his state.

" I p—promise!" then I saw him relieved

He was breathing very hard, he once again writes something on the paper

-Don't be sad-

, I read his message

" I will try! Just rest don't do anything," I told him because I know it's really hard for him

With his trembling hands he wrote again, he stop for a while and get all his strength to continue what he was writing, he drop the pen

-I will always love you-

Once again my tears began to fall, how can I fight this tears from falling it seems that they have their own mind.

"I love you too Dao Ming SI" he reach out for my hand and squeeze it as much as he can, suddenly I felt his squeeze loosen up, I looked at him and saw his eyes close, I look at the respirator but it was not moving, I frantically scream at the nurses

" Help! He's not breathing! Lei, Meizuo Ximen! "

The hospital staff rushes towards him, I saw how the doctor tried to revive him, and I saw his chest reflex when the machine touches him,

"1,2, 3 clear"

"No pulse"

"Again, 1,2, 3 clear"

"Flat line Dr."

I was covering my mouth trying so hard not to cry out loud, the man I love was dying in front of me, and all I can do is too watch him leaving me,

The Doctor shakes his head "I'm sorry! He's gone"

"NOOOOOOO! doc can you please try again? I beg you!"

"Sorry, there's nothing more we can do!"

Lei hold me, "he's gone shancai"

"Lei, he can't die, he can't leave us!" once again I cried on Lei shoulder, he hugs me,

After the burial, I went on the beach where Ah si was found unconscious, I sat down on the same spot they told me he was lying, I lay down and close my eyes, thinking that once he was lying down on the same spot that now I was lying with

" Dao Ming Si…."

I open my eyes and sit back, I looked at the paper with the message he wrote in the hospital, and I notice the sun was ready to set,

"We can't see the sun set together anymore," i sighed

but I know you will always be there for me"

I stare at the sun that now is setting,

"Goodbye sun! I know it's just temporary, tomorrow you will rise again!"

Like me, I know now I still can't accept that Dao Ming Si just left, it seems that part of me died with him, but I promised him that I will never cry again and not to be sad, he do all his best to lessen my pain, that is the reason why he push me to hate him, to fall for lei , Oh lei, I'm sorry, I know he's hurting too, please forgive me, I know he loves me so much and I can't afford him to worry for me anymore, Who knows when this pain will subside, and I will learn to live again, but one thing is for sure Dao Ming si will always remain in my heart.