Disclaimer: I own nothing, besides what I make up
FORGETTING THE PAST
Troubles in Paradise
Ryan was driving back down the 101. Today had been so emotional for him. A day like this would make him think of how life could have ended up, if Theresa had never died. He would probably still be in Chino, raising Stephen, working two jobs. He'd have one as a construction worker and one as probably a convenience store clerk, or something like that.
Ryan would be living in a two room apartment on the streets of Chino, and would wake every morning to see Theresa's face staring back at him. She would be pleading with him, pleading for his touch, to caress her body. But he wouldn't to do it. He reserved the right to touch only one person, and that would be Marissa. Even to know she wouldn't exist to him anymore, he would not be able to bring himself to be involved with Theresa romantically. It just couldn't happen.
Ryan switched on the radio, to look for some good music, to take his mind off of Theresa. But nothing was on, and no matter what he put on, he felt something in his stomach. He began to sweat hard, palms becoming damp, and his forehead becoming wet. He knew what that feeling was. He was feeling guilty.
The guilt had returned, dating back to the time Theresa was killed…..
FLASH BACK
Ryan was sitting at home, after Theresa's latest argument with him. He knew she wasn't supposed to be driving, but he didn't have time to take her for an appointment at the doctor. She should have told him, before she knew she needed to go to the Doctor, instead of waiting last minute to ask him the question. But all of the sudden, he felt that something horrible was going to happen. Ryan felt like something was bound to happen, because it was just the Atwood luck. And then the phone call came.
Ryan walked over to the telephone, picking it up on the third ring. The name on the caller ID read Newport Memorial Hospital. He knew that couldn't be good. At first, Ryan stalled, letting it reach its final third ring. The guilt built up in his stomach, because he knew something bad had happened, and he believed it to be his fault. And then he heard those words…
She's dead.
Theresa was gone. His oldest friend, and mother of his child. Within the split second, or before he could get a chance to say goodbye, she was gone, out of his life forever. Ryan drove silently down to the hospital, not bothering to turn on the radio, as he approached Chino Valley Hospital. When he got there, he listened to the doctor reason with him about how she died.
It was her condition. She zoned out while driving, even to know she was not supposed to be driving in the first place. And that was his fault now, that she smashed her car head first into the car heading the opposite way on the road. And in a minute's time, Theresa was gone, leaving a son behind, and a best friend, and his extreme guilt.
First things first, he had to make sure that it was actually Theresa. There was always that glimmer of hope that it somehow was somebody else, and she was not dead, but just hurt and in the hospital. The doctor walked Ryan into the room, and uncovered the body's face. It was her.
Ryan reached out, stroking her hair. Right at that moment, he was dead inside. Everything was so screwed up. His son would never get to know his mother, or have a relationship with her. He had to go now and tell Theresa's mother. Hopefully she would still know who her daughter is. But good things come out of all bad things. He could go home now.
FLASH BACK ENDS
Ryan found himself sitting outside the Newport Group's office. But for some reason, he couldn't go there. He looked at the clock, and saw it was still two o'clock, so he still had over three hours to do things. Who was there to go talk to? He didn't feel like seeing Seth, and wasn't it the mood to go home yet, so there was one person he could go to. Somebody he had become so close to over those months when he struggled with his cocaine addiction. There was always Summer.
Ryan turned around, and headed the other way on Newport Avenue. Ten minute later, he had pulled up to Summer's house. He knew she was home, because of late, she had been working at the house with her designing company. Ryan shut off the car, and walked up to her house. He knocked the door twice, and when he didn't hear anything for a couple minutes, he rang the doorbell. Within two seconds, Summer appeared at the door.
"Hey Ryan." She said, putting a smile on her face.
"Hey." Ryan responded, but not really with that smile.
Summer knew what was wrong. It was Theresa. She had basically become Ryan's best friend over these past years. Seth was still his brother, but ever since Seth tried to shut Ryan out of his life so long ago, things have never returned to the way they once were. But Summer had been there through thick and thin with him. He could remember coming to her to cry on her shoulder, after getting turned down by both Seth and Marissa.
The two walked inside, and sat down on her sofa. She had papers spread all over the table, complete with drawings, and other dress designs. Ryan thought she was a really good designer, and was just waiting for the day when her small little company, would expand past Newport, and be internationally known.
"So…How's the designing coming along." Ryan asked, trying his best not to sound like he didn't know what to say.
Summer stalled, and then began, "Cut the crap Ryan, I know why you are here. And it hurts me to think that you can't, with the friendship we have, to just come out and tell me what the problem is." She didn't mean to sound so harsh, but maybe because of this, he would open up to her.
She knew him like an open book. "I'm sure you know what today is"
"Yea I do."
"It's just, I went to the grave, and it hit me hard."
"Ryan, nobody ever said it would be easy."
"I Know, and I never thought it would be. But I never thought that every year, when I went to visit her, it would be this hard. I always start to think about life if she was still alive. I would have none of what I have today. Everything would be so different. I feel like such a bad person."
"A bad person Ryan? Why?"
Ryan's voice became much lower, almost like he was whispering. He looked down to the ground and spoke, "Because I sometimes am happy that she died. I would have never got what I have today."
"Ryan, that's perfectly fine. You left the life you cared so deeply about, to help her out. You would be crazy if you were not happy to come home. I know it may seem wrong, because she died at the expense of your happiness, but there is nothing that you should feel bad about, nothing."
Ryan knew she was right. She was always right about everything. That was why she was his best friend.
"Thanks Summer." He told her, embracing her in a friendly hug.
"So now to the next topic, you and my brother."
"Ryan, please, not now!"
"C'mon Summer, you can tell me. Remember," He was now mocking her, "I'm your best friend,"
"Actually Marissa is buddy."
Shut down.
He smiled at her, " Just tell me what the problem is."
She sighed, " I don't know. I'm just afraid to get into a relationship with him again. I don't want to get hurt again, and last time he hurt me pretty bad."
"Then why did you agree to go out on a date with him?"
"I still like him, and I guess I'm going to give him a chance. But if I get hurt again by him, because he just cannot control himself, I'm done with him forever. You can tell him that if you like."
"I think I will."
The two talked some more, reminiscing on past events. They talked about high school, all the good memories that they were able to share. They talked about life over the past years, and then to Ryan and Marissa's wedding. It was rapidly approaching, in fact, only two months away. It seemed that Summer was more excited than Ryan was. But after all, she was going to be the maid of honor, and since Marissa tried her best not to speak to her mother anymore, herself and Kirsten were planning the entire thing, with the help of the bride of course. They were going to make this wedding the one that everybody in Newport Beach would remember forever, but one that Ryan and Marissa would remember for the rest of their lives.
The conversation wore down, when they finished talking about Theresa. Ryan felt the guilt return, and Summer tried to make him feel differently, and it somehow worked.
"Ryan, do you fee like you need a fix now?" She asked bluntly.
Ryan looked to the floor and shook his head, "yea"
"You are coming with me tonight, okay?"
"Okay."
"Meet me at the place tonight at nine. Have a good meal with Marissa, and then it will be just me and you, and nobody needs to know about this, okay?"
"Thanks Summer."
"Anything for you Ryan."
They said their goodbyes, and Ryan left her house. As he got into the car, and started it up, he saw that it was almost five thirty now. Time to go home for the day. He drove to his house, and pulled up to it. He got out of the car, after opening the garage, and walked inside. He smelled the familiar warm apple crisp smell that Marissa had going through the house. She basically had these scented candles all throughout the house, ones which made Ryan get a little light headed. In fact, it was the reason for his weight gain of about three pounds of late. Ever since she put them in the house two weeks ago, he just had to have Apple pie, and he did, three of them.
"I'm home!" he yelled throughout the house. He heard loud sounds coming through the house, almost like the house was shaking. Then there were loud booms that echoed loud and clear. It wasn't Marissa. And then the person who was making them appeared, running his fastest, with a smile on his face.
"DADYY!"
Stephen jumped into his father's arms as Ryan went down, and picked him up.
"Hey Champ. How was school?"
"Good daddy. There was the girl, who was all girly looking at me."
Girl troubles at age six.
"Oh, I see, so you like a girl in school?"
"No Daddy, girlies have cooties."
"And what are cooties?"
"The ickies, they are bad. Here, I'll show you. Put out ya arm daddy."
Ryan put out his arm.
"Circle circle, dot dot, now you've got the cooty shot. Circle circle square square, now you've got in everywhere. Circle circle knife knife, now you've got it all your life."
"Wow, Thanks Stevo. But what about your Mommy?"
"Mommy's are fine."
"That's good. Where is your mother anyway?"
"up da stairs. I'm gonna go watch television. K daddy?"
"Ok, is it sponge bob?"
"Yup!"
Ryan smiled, watching Stephen run to the television, and when he turned it on, dance around and sing the song. Ryan could never get tired of the sponge bob song, just as long as he saw his son happy. Ryan could see Theresa in his eyes, and it pained him. He wondered sometimes if he remembered her at all. But he thought for his son's sake, and for Marissa's, it be best not to tell him about his mother. They were not sure if they ever would, but for now, they would not.
Ryan walked up the stairs, and saw Marissa lying in their bed. She was sleeping, and at the one creak of the floor, she woke up.
"Sorry for waking you."
"It's okay. I'm just glad that you are home."
"What did you do today?"
"Just went to work."
She knew he was lying. She had scene his calendar, and she knew what today was. But she knew that she couldn't make this about her. Ryan was going through troubles, and Marissa knew this date was coming around again. He had the same problems every year around this time, except he never came out and told her about them. But all she would have wanted to do was help him.
"So, what you watching?" Ryan asked, as he climbed in bed with her. She scooted over a little bit to make room for him.
"You know, a little bit of the news. Did you know that they are building another mall here?"
"Another mall? Great, that is just what we need."
"So.." Ryan started, " In a couple of days, it's take your child to work day."
"Take your daughter to work day!" Marissa corrected him.
"No, now it has become take your child to work day, and I want to take Stephen with me to the construction site. I think he will like it."
"Ryan! He cannot miss school again. I don't think he should go."
"Please?"
Marissa didn't want to give in, but she did anyway.
"Fine, but just make sure he doesn't get hurt."
"I won't, I will have my eye on him the entire time, okay?"
"Okay."
So it was settled. Him and Stephen would go to work at the new construction site in two days. It would be great spending some quality time with his son. He loved hanging out or bonding with his child, and because work has been so hectic, he hasn't really had that opportunity. But that day would be just his and Stephen's to be together.
The couple watched the television for a little bit longer. They flipped to NYPD Blue reruns, where a person was being convicted for possession. Ryan watched for five minutes, and noticed that his palms were sweaty. He began to shiver, and he had to blink a lot more than he had before. Ryan excused himself, telling Marissa he had to go the bathroom.
Ryan walked off to the bathroom, shut the door, and sat on the toilet. Except for one thing, he didn't have to go. Ryan kept tugging at his shirt, trying to give himself air. He got up and looked in the mirror. He didn't look good at all. But he needed to freshen up, to give Marissa faith that everything was fine.
He turned on the faucet and dunked his face in the water. Shutting off the water, and taking two deep breaths, Ryan put on a smile, and walked back inside to Marissa. Luckily for himself, he found her sleeping on the bed. He moved over to her side of the bed, covered her, and kissed her on the forehead. Then, he walked out of the room, and downstairs to prepare dinner. When he saw there was nothing good, he picked up the phone and called Sandy and Kirsten.
"Hello?" Sandy voice said on the phone.
"Hey, its Ryan."
"Hey Ryan! How is it going? How is Marissa?"
"She's good. She is actually sleeping right now. But I wanted to know if you two wanted to come over for dinner."
"That would be great actually. We can go pick up some pizza and Chinese food."
"Pizza AND Chinese food?"
"Ryan, your fiancé is pregnant. That means that you have to buy her as much food as possible. She eats like a horse. Kirsten was the same way.
"I heard that!" Kirsten screamed in the background.
"thanks Sandy. So I will see you at seven?"
"That sounds good Ryan, see you soon, bye."
"Bye."
Sooner than he expected, Sandy and Kirsten had arrived with massive portions of food. They came inside and hugged Ryan.
They asked how he was, but then walked right past him. Kirsten walked right upstairs to check on Marissa, see how she is feeling, and Sandy went to check on his grandson to see how he was feeling, and if he wanted to play.
This was one of the best things about being in Newport, the family. He couldn't have asked for better foster parents. Sandy and Kirsten had taken him in with little hesitations, besides that of Kirsten, and made him apart of their life, apart of their family. Through thick and thin, pregnancies and drug problems, suspensions from school, and family problems, they had been there for him, sticking with him the entire time. And now, he knew they would also be there for their grandson.
Ryan could still remember the fist time he came to Newport. Sandy had wanted to let him in his family since day one, but Kirsten had problems. He didn't blame her, considering he was a felon, but no matter what, she always seemed so sweet to him, and would do anything for her family. It was eventually her good graces that have him living the life he is today. He will be forever indebted to Sandy and Kirsten, for what they have given him, and for what he had now, that he could never dream of having before.
Kirsten walked into Ryan and Marissa's room and found her putting slippers on. She was still in her pajamas, and was about to get changed.
"No don't get changed, it is just us."
"You sure?"
"Yea."
"Okay."
"So how are you feeling, baby and all?"
"Pretty good. I love being pregnant, to know that something is growing inside my body. I love the feeling of knowing that Ryan and I are going to give life to something so beautiful, and so innocent."
"It is an amazing feeling."
"Everything is so great, but…Oh never mind."
"C'mon, you can tell me."
"You know what today is right?"
"No."
"The anniversary."
And now Kirsten understood.
"He has been really distant tonight. He won't even tell me what the problem is. He didn't tell me, but I knew he went to the grave today. I know he goes every year. He always forgets to take the ticket out of the car saying that he was at the cemetery. Should I feel hurt, and upset that he doesn't talk to me?"
"I don't really know how to answer that one sweetie. I think you need to talk to him about this, instead of me, okay?"
"Okay."
"Now c'mon downstairs. Pizza and Chinese food, courteousy of us, okay?"
"K."
The family sat down at the dining room table. They chowed down on the food, talking every so often.
"So Marissa, I never asked you, what did you do today?"
"Well, Seth came over. We talked, your son was and idiot like usual. And that was it really?"
"Seth, an idiot? NO! NEVER!" Sandy exclaimed sarcastically.
Everybody laughed. And by Eight, they were gone, and now it eight thirty. Ryan walked into the family room. He saw Marissa on the couch watching The Valley, which surprisingly was still on six years later. God, now the kids looked like they were 30. It was kind of funny. But no he had to leave.
"Hey Marissa, I forgot something at the office, so I'm gonna head over there. I'll be back later, okay?"
"K."
Ryan walked over, kissed her on the cheek, and walked out of the house. He hated lying to her like this, but he didn't want to worry her in anyway. He knew the stress wasn't good for her, especially since she had a baby coming soon. The last thing Marissa needed was this weight on Her and Ryan's shoulders too. But at least he had Summer with him to get through this.
Ryan pulled up to the warehouse, and found probably about twenty cars parked outside. He walked up to Summer, who was waiting for him at the entrance. He kissed her on the cheek, signaling he was saying hi.
"You ready?" she asked.
"Yea."
Ryan and Summer walked inside and found the people sitting on chairs, in a circle. There were two spots open, just enough for Ryan and Summer to sit. The meeting was about to begin, as it was now nine o'clock. Ryan half expected to see somebody like Oliver show up, but luckily, he didn't.
As the meeting began, the main person talked, bullshitted for five to ten minutes, and then opened the floor for questions, which nobody had. So now was the speaking part. The man asked for any volunteers. When nobody raised their hand. He called on somebody.
"You sir, the man with the blonde hair, and jacket, You can go first."
Ryan stood up from his seat, glancing at Summer once, who urged him to go on. So he took a deep breath and began.
"Hi, my name is Ryan Atwood, and I haven't done Cocaine in just over six years.
Ryan was interrupted by the small groups round of applause.
"The thing is, I have started to feel the need for it of late, and I am having trouble staying off the stuff. Something happened in my life that I don't want to go to detail on, but it hit me hard, and I went to the drugs. I couldn't get off of it, but I was lucky enough to have my family and my sponsor, who is sitting right next to me to help me though it. So, that is my story."
Everybody clapped again, and Ryan sat down.
The group talked about Ryan and others, and then the main person told them what they needed to do to stay off of it. All that advice didn't really help, but just getting up, and speaking to others was the thing that got him through it. Knowing that he had a friend sitting right next to him to help him though the troubling times, really meant a lot to him.
As the meeting came to a close, so did this horrible day. He and Summer walked outside and stopped at her car.
"Have I ever thanked you enough for all you have done for me?"
"Ryan, you don't need to thank me. It is my pleasure."
"No, I'm serious. You have done so much for me these past years, and I owe so much to you."
"Ryan, I know what you can do."
"What is that?"
"Marry Marissa, have her baby, and give my best friend the best life you and her could possible have with each other. Can you do that for me?"
"Of course I can."
Ryan and Summer hugged one last time, and Summer took off in her car, and Ryan in his. Ryan drove home, and as the clock struck 12 midnight, he walked into the house. He was happy that Marissa didn't wait up for him, because she needed all the rest she could get. Ryan walked into their bedroom, and took off his clothes. He got in bed with Marissa, and wrapped his arm around her, kissing her stomach.
"Goodnight Marissa, goodnight baby." He whispered.
"Goodnight Ryan. I love you."
"Love you too."
They fell asleep together, in each other's arms. Everything seemed perfect with the two, but would it last? They hoped it would. Throughout their lives, they have had to deal with so many problems. So much so, that it has taken a lot for them to remain together as a couple. IT had been six years since the last bad thing happened in Newport. It used to be that they would get over a problem, and just wait for the next bad thing to happen, because it always did. But now, after all these years, Ryan thought everything was fine. But Marissa knew that something bad was bound to happen.
Both just didn't know what would happen this time. Would they be able to get through it together as a couple, or would they fall apart, becoming alone once again.
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