Chapter 1: Leaving behind

Buffy crawled inside through her bedroom window to be greeted by the sound of her mother sobbing in the kitchen donstairs. With only a moment's pause she grabbed her weapons bag and started filling it with clothes and the two bottles of water that stood beside her bed.

As she sneaked across the hallway to get her toothbrush in the bathroom, Buffy was startled by the ringing of the phone. She shrugged off the feelings of doubt that were slowly beginning to make their way into her numb mind.

"Buffy?" she heard her mom ask into the phone, followed by "Oh hello Xander." She didn't even try to conceal the disappointment in her voice.

"No, I haven't…" There was a long silence that sounded as if her mother was trying to compose herself.

"Willow's been released from the hospital? That's really great," she heard her mom say. The monotone of her voice continued, asking Xander how he was doing, how Giles was.

Buffy screwed her eyes shut, as if doing that would effectively drown out reality and the excruciating guilt she was starting to feel. She was leaving her friends and family behind, and she wouldn't be able to protect them.

They won't be in danger anymore once you're gone, she convinced herself. Besides, she didn't want to protect anyone anymore. She hadn't chosen to be a Slayer, it had been forced upon her, and it had cost her the one person she loved above all.

Throwing the rest of her stuff in the duffel bag, her eyes lingered on the dresser table where she'd been hiding her stakes, crosses and holy water. She longed to leave all of it behind her, even though something deep inside of her – probably her calling, she thought bitterly – urged her to take them with her. It was a part of who she was, but it wasn't who she wanted to be anymore.

Downstairs, Joyce heard a dull sound coming from upstairs and her eyes darted towards the ceiling. Without saying another word into the phone, she dropped the receiver and rushed upstairs. When she threw open the door to Buffy's room, the window stood wide open, and the closet door was opened, revealing the emptied shelves.

Then, she saw the note. It was a hastily written note on Buffy's pink stationary that was lying on the bed and was being slightly moved by the breeze coming in from the window. With trembling fingers, Joyce picked it up and started reading the untidy scribble.

Mom,

I have to go. I know you can't deal with what I am, and you shouldn't have to. I don't even think I can deal. I need to be away from all of of this. Please don't come looking for me, I'll be fine.

The note fell out of her grasp and fluttered to the ground as Joyce's hands sought the bed for support.

-

Two hours later and three miles down the road, Buffy was standing on the pavement in front of Sunnydale High, in the confinement of a couple of trees. With tears in her eyes, she saw Xander, Willow, Oz, Cordy and Giles huddled together near Willow's wheelchair. Every one of her friends was looking worried and relieved at the same time.

They know that I won the battle. The world didn't end, after all. But they don't know what I had to do to save them, what I had to give up -

Buffy swallowed the lump in her throat and looked at her friends one last time, etching their faces into her memory. She fought the urge to run up to them and ask them what was new and brewing on the Hellmouth, like she'd done so many times before. She smiled throughher tears. It would seem as if nothing had changed.

Only, it had. Everything was different now. She wasn't even allowed on school grounds. She was a wanted fugitive with nothing to keep fighting for. She looked down at the bus ticket clutched in her hand.

They'll be fine without me. They're braver than they know. Much braver than me…

She swung her bag over her right shoulder and, casting one last glance at her her friends, she walked away.

Twenty minutes later, she sat on a Greyhound and stared out of the dusty window at the worn sign that said 'Now leaving Sunnydale'. It seemed appropriate to cry, she thought, but she couldn't. She didn't feel anything anymore. The green suburbs turned into the harsh yellowish grey of the California desert.

There was only emptiness now.

-

TBC