I'm still awake. I've been lying here for the past six hours holding Spike
as he whimpers and moans in his sleep. My poor boy keeps muttering things
and he's not sleeping well. What's has happened to you my child? I mumble
calming words into his ear and finger comb the curls on his head. I used
to have hours of fun teasing William about his curls. When ever we were
caught in the rain anywhere William used to moan more than the girls that
his hair would go funny. And it always did. Still does.
He's whimpering again and keeps nuzzling into my chest unconsciously. You'd be surprised if I told you how many times this has happened to us. Not the wet thing, but the positions we're in. My arm wrapped round and pulling him close while he snuggles up against my side and rests his head on my chest. The only time we're really close is when he's unconscious. He moves slightly and I smile as he does something I haven't seen him do in a century.
Slowly his left arm curls on top of my chest and brings his hand dangerously close to his lips. I know what he's doing. One of my boys most guarded secrets is about to be shown. I've never told anyone else, simply because I like the idea that I know something others don't about Spike. I'm the only one who's ever been this close to him really. I suppose Dru had her fair share, but she could never really focus on something for more than a minute.
Eventually he brings his thumb to his lips and begins sucking on it. I smile and brush his hair back from his eyes as he makes small contented noises. This was one of the signs that Spike felt safe and protected. He settles again and breathes in and out deeply. Spike has never been able to kick the habit of breathing. Once when he was a fledge, he got pushed in a river and practically drowned because he kept trying to breathe. He only succeeded in filling his lungs with water. I thought it was cute. Darla thought it was stupidity. Dru thought it was Miss Edith and that she'd have to be punished.
Finally he's comfortable and I can think again. Not brood think.
He's been here for nearly eight hours and I don't even know why he's here. Last time Giles called he said that Spike was doing well in Sunnydale. He had his own crypt and was helping them fight demons in exchange for blood and cigarettes. So first question to address was, why had he left?
Spike had always been a creature for stability. Every time we made a nest he would take time to settle down and be happy there for a while. All too soon we had to move and he would pout and frown and keep asking why we had to move. I don't think that William ever got out of London in his human life. It must have made him so unsure of the big wide world when he became a vampire.
He also always had to have company. My youngest childe could never go long without someone by his side. It began with me, and then Dru and Darla came and found us so we were a family. Spike's always craved a family. When I left the family broke apart and he clung to Dru because she was all he had left. Then when that twisted form of Angelus came back he was happy for a bout two days because we were a family again. However, the insane twat that is my alter ego, decided to try and steal Dru, thus ruining his evil reign.
When Spike came back and I was there I could see what affect it had on him. He was happy. Going to Sunnydale to make Dru come back and finding me along the way. Kind of like looking for a fiver and finding a winning lottery ticket instead. Spike tried to hide it but I could see he wanted me to come with him when he left town. He practically said it when he explained how bad a relationship Buffy and I were having. My boy was never stupid. He never saw those things that any old fool could see, Spike always looked at the layers beneath.
If I had been there when Spike had returned to Sunnydale to kill Buffy I could have predicted what would happen. Except for the chip part. I knew he'd settle down. He'd been to the town twice before and had stayed for nearly a year the first time. If he kept visiting it meant he liked the place. I also understand the fact that Sunnydale still carried an essence of family and me. It was inevitable that he'd make himself a home and make a group. I just didn't know it would be Buffy's.
I can tell you why he went there. I'm stroking the hair and breathing the scent of the second most brutal vampire ever to exist and I'm saying that he was scared. When Spike or William was with me he always had someone protecting him. Someone stronger. That's what Buffy was. He might not like to admit it, but Buffy was Spike's substitute for a Sire. I wasn't there, nor was Dru, and the only person that comes remotely close to a vampire's strength was the slayer. So he got as close as he could without getting hurt himself.
Now I'm happily lying with my boy and curling a lock of his hair round my finger while he sucks his thumb. We were some of the most feared killers in the whole of Europe at one point. Right now we're just playing happy families. He needs me; I know that, he knows that, Buffy probably knows that too. I still don't know why he's here and at the moment I don't care. He's smiling in his sleep and mumbling round his thumb, signifying that he's dreaming.
I wonder what he's dreaming. When he was younger he used to dream of funny little things like being human again, he soon stopped when Darla beat him for it. It's a mystery what he dreams now. I guess know one's bothered to ask him in a while. When he was a fledge we used to stay up for hours while the girls were hunting, just talking. William used to believe that dreams were the wishes your heart makes while you sleep. I never used to believe his theory, but I listened none the less. He used to tell me all the time what he was dreaming, thinking, wanting, needing. I suppose if I asked him now he'd just walk away and give me the finger.
He's my youngest childe. My baby. My precious bundle of violence and death. I missed him so much. I used to pine for my family when I ran with only the soul for company. I wanted Darla to beat me then leave me only to come running back. I wanted Penn to snarl and disobey me for being too artistic with my killing ways. I wanted Dru to make me look after Miss Edith while she did her hair. But most of all I wanted William to tell me of his dreams before falling asleep on my lap. I missed them all. Being a vampire you don't realise what loss really is.
As a human the biggest loss you can suffer from is the loos of a life close to you. When you're undead you've already lived that part and everything will always be there. Your unlife is built of stable people you place around you for company and they wont go because they're vampires too. So the only way you can loose someone is if they leave. I left. William's life crumbled around him because one of the walls of his safety had gone. William turned into Spike and looked after the only wall he had left for a century before she left as well. All that time I loved him.
I don't think he understands what kind of love I hold for him. It's more than father and son. It's more than just family. It's more than Sire and childe. Of course we have the blood bond that all bloodline vampires own, but what we have feels so much more. When Spike was upset about Dru, I could feel his sorrow. When he was wounded by the mob in Prague, I felt his pain. When he was happy because he killed the second slayer, I felt his excitement. And I revelled in it all. Just because I have a soul doesn't mean I don't want to kill and maim and torture every person that crosses me. It just means that I'd feel bad if I did so I refrain from it and stay calm.
I'm sure that's the way Spike feels with his chip. I search his hairline for a sign that there really is a chip in there. I can't find anything but I know there should be some sign. Instead of Spike feeling bad, he feels pain. In a way it's even worse for him. Where as I make the choice not to kill, he purely can't. It's like having him in a constant muzzle. My poor precious boy. If I could take it out I would for him. Honestly.
Yes I'd feel bad about letting a killer loose. Yes I'd feel guilty for letting him kill innocents. Yes I'd feel like staking myself for doing it. But I would never make him go through this again. Giles said he was fine, but I could hear through his lie. All stuffy and British he forgot that I hear more than just words. The man was lying and obviously did not want to be talking about Spike, but rather Buffy. For a watcher, he's pretty dumb really. I'd have thought he knew about the Sire/Childe bond but he had no idea. Spike had been feeling pretty down and I'd been depressed myself so I knew something was up. When he just turned up without even insulting me once, that's when I knew the bond hadn't lied.
And of course it could have lied. We've been separated for the past hundred years it's a very rusty link we have nowadays. But right now I'm holding him and he's sucking his thumb and I'm purring just like the old days. I know I'll have to ask him questions when he wakes up. I know I'll probably ruin everything. I know he'll hate me again. But right now it feels like the past century hasn't happened. And I'm home.
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well? If you like then please review. If you don't then review and tell me why. I take all reviews as a gift and like to see how I can improve my fics in any way. Oh and also, this will become a slash fic so if you want to stop reading then I wont be offended. I know slash isn't everyone's cup of tea. Hope you enjoyed. Luv Higgy. xxx
He's whimpering again and keeps nuzzling into my chest unconsciously. You'd be surprised if I told you how many times this has happened to us. Not the wet thing, but the positions we're in. My arm wrapped round and pulling him close while he snuggles up against my side and rests his head on my chest. The only time we're really close is when he's unconscious. He moves slightly and I smile as he does something I haven't seen him do in a century.
Slowly his left arm curls on top of my chest and brings his hand dangerously close to his lips. I know what he's doing. One of my boys most guarded secrets is about to be shown. I've never told anyone else, simply because I like the idea that I know something others don't about Spike. I'm the only one who's ever been this close to him really. I suppose Dru had her fair share, but she could never really focus on something for more than a minute.
Eventually he brings his thumb to his lips and begins sucking on it. I smile and brush his hair back from his eyes as he makes small contented noises. This was one of the signs that Spike felt safe and protected. He settles again and breathes in and out deeply. Spike has never been able to kick the habit of breathing. Once when he was a fledge, he got pushed in a river and practically drowned because he kept trying to breathe. He only succeeded in filling his lungs with water. I thought it was cute. Darla thought it was stupidity. Dru thought it was Miss Edith and that she'd have to be punished.
Finally he's comfortable and I can think again. Not brood think.
He's been here for nearly eight hours and I don't even know why he's here. Last time Giles called he said that Spike was doing well in Sunnydale. He had his own crypt and was helping them fight demons in exchange for blood and cigarettes. So first question to address was, why had he left?
Spike had always been a creature for stability. Every time we made a nest he would take time to settle down and be happy there for a while. All too soon we had to move and he would pout and frown and keep asking why we had to move. I don't think that William ever got out of London in his human life. It must have made him so unsure of the big wide world when he became a vampire.
He also always had to have company. My youngest childe could never go long without someone by his side. It began with me, and then Dru and Darla came and found us so we were a family. Spike's always craved a family. When I left the family broke apart and he clung to Dru because she was all he had left. Then when that twisted form of Angelus came back he was happy for a bout two days because we were a family again. However, the insane twat that is my alter ego, decided to try and steal Dru, thus ruining his evil reign.
When Spike came back and I was there I could see what affect it had on him. He was happy. Going to Sunnydale to make Dru come back and finding me along the way. Kind of like looking for a fiver and finding a winning lottery ticket instead. Spike tried to hide it but I could see he wanted me to come with him when he left town. He practically said it when he explained how bad a relationship Buffy and I were having. My boy was never stupid. He never saw those things that any old fool could see, Spike always looked at the layers beneath.
If I had been there when Spike had returned to Sunnydale to kill Buffy I could have predicted what would happen. Except for the chip part. I knew he'd settle down. He'd been to the town twice before and had stayed for nearly a year the first time. If he kept visiting it meant he liked the place. I also understand the fact that Sunnydale still carried an essence of family and me. It was inevitable that he'd make himself a home and make a group. I just didn't know it would be Buffy's.
I can tell you why he went there. I'm stroking the hair and breathing the scent of the second most brutal vampire ever to exist and I'm saying that he was scared. When Spike or William was with me he always had someone protecting him. Someone stronger. That's what Buffy was. He might not like to admit it, but Buffy was Spike's substitute for a Sire. I wasn't there, nor was Dru, and the only person that comes remotely close to a vampire's strength was the slayer. So he got as close as he could without getting hurt himself.
Now I'm happily lying with my boy and curling a lock of his hair round my finger while he sucks his thumb. We were some of the most feared killers in the whole of Europe at one point. Right now we're just playing happy families. He needs me; I know that, he knows that, Buffy probably knows that too. I still don't know why he's here and at the moment I don't care. He's smiling in his sleep and mumbling round his thumb, signifying that he's dreaming.
I wonder what he's dreaming. When he was younger he used to dream of funny little things like being human again, he soon stopped when Darla beat him for it. It's a mystery what he dreams now. I guess know one's bothered to ask him in a while. When he was a fledge we used to stay up for hours while the girls were hunting, just talking. William used to believe that dreams were the wishes your heart makes while you sleep. I never used to believe his theory, but I listened none the less. He used to tell me all the time what he was dreaming, thinking, wanting, needing. I suppose if I asked him now he'd just walk away and give me the finger.
He's my youngest childe. My baby. My precious bundle of violence and death. I missed him so much. I used to pine for my family when I ran with only the soul for company. I wanted Darla to beat me then leave me only to come running back. I wanted Penn to snarl and disobey me for being too artistic with my killing ways. I wanted Dru to make me look after Miss Edith while she did her hair. But most of all I wanted William to tell me of his dreams before falling asleep on my lap. I missed them all. Being a vampire you don't realise what loss really is.
As a human the biggest loss you can suffer from is the loos of a life close to you. When you're undead you've already lived that part and everything will always be there. Your unlife is built of stable people you place around you for company and they wont go because they're vampires too. So the only way you can loose someone is if they leave. I left. William's life crumbled around him because one of the walls of his safety had gone. William turned into Spike and looked after the only wall he had left for a century before she left as well. All that time I loved him.
I don't think he understands what kind of love I hold for him. It's more than father and son. It's more than just family. It's more than Sire and childe. Of course we have the blood bond that all bloodline vampires own, but what we have feels so much more. When Spike was upset about Dru, I could feel his sorrow. When he was wounded by the mob in Prague, I felt his pain. When he was happy because he killed the second slayer, I felt his excitement. And I revelled in it all. Just because I have a soul doesn't mean I don't want to kill and maim and torture every person that crosses me. It just means that I'd feel bad if I did so I refrain from it and stay calm.
I'm sure that's the way Spike feels with his chip. I search his hairline for a sign that there really is a chip in there. I can't find anything but I know there should be some sign. Instead of Spike feeling bad, he feels pain. In a way it's even worse for him. Where as I make the choice not to kill, he purely can't. It's like having him in a constant muzzle. My poor precious boy. If I could take it out I would for him. Honestly.
Yes I'd feel bad about letting a killer loose. Yes I'd feel guilty for letting him kill innocents. Yes I'd feel like staking myself for doing it. But I would never make him go through this again. Giles said he was fine, but I could hear through his lie. All stuffy and British he forgot that I hear more than just words. The man was lying and obviously did not want to be talking about Spike, but rather Buffy. For a watcher, he's pretty dumb really. I'd have thought he knew about the Sire/Childe bond but he had no idea. Spike had been feeling pretty down and I'd been depressed myself so I knew something was up. When he just turned up without even insulting me once, that's when I knew the bond hadn't lied.
And of course it could have lied. We've been separated for the past hundred years it's a very rusty link we have nowadays. But right now I'm holding him and he's sucking his thumb and I'm purring just like the old days. I know I'll have to ask him questions when he wakes up. I know I'll probably ruin everything. I know he'll hate me again. But right now it feels like the past century hasn't happened. And I'm home.
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well? If you like then please review. If you don't then review and tell me why. I take all reviews as a gift and like to see how I can improve my fics in any way. Oh and also, this will become a slash fic so if you want to stop reading then I wont be offended. I know slash isn't everyone's cup of tea. Hope you enjoyed. Luv Higgy. xxx