Seriously debating my sanity at the moment. I've just dried Spike off after
he mysteriously appears in my hotel before giving him a tongue bath in my
bed. The part that's freaking me out is that I enjoyed it all. Is it wrong
to enjoy that? I mean I should be Angelus right now with the joy I just
felt. He thinks I don't know he's awake, but I do. God I do. He's thinking
something over. I can tell because his face does this cute little frown and
his lips crease slightly at the edges.
"Angelus?"
Not sure yet boy. I don't feel like killing everyone yet but it takes a while so give me time. He sounded so lost. Like a child really. I'm lying happily with him still in my arms on top of my. He's smaller than me so I can feel his breath on my neck and top of my chest. I love this sensation. It's like a golden tingling that tickles down my spine and warms my body. Yes I know how stupid that sounded so sue me, that's what it's like.
He feels different now that he's awake. He's tensed slightly and I notice how his thumb is far from his mouth now. No sense of security any more then. I'm holding him and I think I should let go. He obviously feels unsure of his position so I should really let him go and get his bearings. I let my arms slip from his waist and rest them by my sides. He's wriggled slightly and is now lying next to me, watching the ceiling. Looking anywhere but me. God what have I done.
Congratulations Angel, you have now ruined whatever chance of rebuilding the trust between you. Good one. I mentally pat myself on the back and sigh. He shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be like this. We shouldn't be like this.
There was a time when we were comfortable round each other. Honestly. We would sit for hours and talk about everything. He would smile at me and I'd tell him about being a vampire. He used to listen with interest and ask tonnes of questions. He was always an inquisitive boy. I used to answer truthfully because he hated it when I lied. I told him of the downsides of being immortal and he listened quietly until I'd finished. Then he'd ask more questions and I'd answer. I miss those times when we were comfortable round each other.
Now all there is between us is time. A century of hate and loathing. It's not hard to see the hatred he has for me right now. He's watching the ceiling and playing with the hem of my shirt he's wearing. He's still thinking and I wonder if he's debating when to run for it. Spike always used to run when he didn't know what to do. I never taught him that one. He made that up himself. I think it settled in his head when I left them. I ran, and then Darla ran as well. I guess I had a small part in that one then. But he looks so lost. My poor boy.
I should say something. Keep him calm and act normal. Act like I haven't been reminiscing over our time spent together and wish I was back then. It can't be so I should forget it and act like the souled bastard I am. God I hate doing this. But Spike needs it. Spike was always a vampire for consistency. When he was left alone he got lost and didn't know what to do. But I suppose he's comfortable with what he's got now, so I should let him go. Be his own vampire.
But what should I say? I'm not Angelus I don't think. But he's worked that out because he's still here. If I was that soul-tortured idiot from three years ago he'd be bloody and on the floor. So I think the fact that I'm not Angelus is a given. So what should I say? Act normal. Right, I can do this. Calm voice and seem undaunted by the fact that he's still in your bed.
"How are you feeling?" There. Short, simple and caring. He should be able to answer that without any real problems and we'll be okay. We can talk about why he's here. Because I've been here for a while now and I still don't know what's happened to him. He's lying there and he wont look at me. Why not? Oh right, because he hates me. Duh...I think I've been round Cordelia too much.
"Fine." He whispers. God he's whispering. What happened to the loud-mouthed vampire who'd rather go running headfirst into a pack of watchers instead of sneaking round them? Yes he did do that once. Yes I was proud when he came home with only a cut from his fight. I was also immensely proud of the fact that the watchers in that group were searching for a potential. My lad had just stopped a little girl becoming our killer. I loved that vampire. Where's he gone?
"You want some blood?" Please say yes. You look too thin Spike. Your hips are too prominent and I can nearly count your ribs from here. Please say yes. I'm making a plan in my head about what to do. If he says yes then we can go downstairs and have a mug of blood each. We can sit and talk about what's happened to him. I need to know. He's my childe I deserve to know.
Oh good he's nodding. Not talking. Why's he not talking? I need him to talk. I can't work out what's wrong with him if he doesn't talk. Okay Angel calm down. Let's just get him downstairs at the moment and have some blood. That'll calm you down. Hopefully. I nod back and get out of the bed. Ow...okay maybe I should take this slow. Crick in the neck here from leaning on that headboard for so long. It doesn't matter. I'll be fine. Just get downstairs.
I'm stretching now and he's still on my bed. He's sitting up and his hair's all mussed from sleeping. But he makes no move to fix it. I'm glad he looks cuter like that. Not so much like a vicious killer. But I never thought he was a vicious killer anyway so I guess my opinion doesn't really count. He looks more like my little uneducated, foolish fledgling like that. I slowly make my way to the door and he follows silently. I'm bare foot and I make small scuffling sounds as we make our way down the stairs into the kitchen. He shuffles along in my socks.
As I put the blood into the mugs and into the microwave he sits at the table and I see how ridiculous he looks. Dressed in my huge clothes and hair in a mess that would rival a three years olds. My shirt is hanging off him and finished round his thigh instead of his waist. The sweats I clothed him in are trailing along the floor as he swings his legs like a kid. Always like a kid. The socks he's in seem too big as well and there's extra space at the end of his toes. His gaze has fallen to the table and he's making little patterns on the top of it. What has happened to you Spike?
"Here." I hand him the blood and he accepts it quietly. Since when has he become so quiet? I hate this he shouldn't be like this. It's not natural. I hate the fact that I missed the initiative's downfall. I'd have loved to make them pay for what they've done to him. It's just a shame that the chip can't be removed. I'm sure he's tried. And if it were possible, Spike would have had it out by now.
I drain half of my mug in one go whereas he sips tentatively. Sighing slightly I sit opposite him and he watches his finger make more patterns on the tabletop. He completely stinks of me. The clothes reek of my scent and I'm surprised he hasn't asked for his clothes back. He smells of me even more because of the tongue bath I gave him earlier. Did I mention how much I enjoyed that? He still tastes the same as last time. Of course there's the slight hint of leather a cigarettes, but he still has William's scent all over him. Trust me it's still my boy in there. For some reason he always smelt of strawberries and cream. I don't know why, he just does. And when I was cleaning him before, he still tasted of it. But I wont tell him that because he'll probably get embarrassed. He'd also be embarrassed if I told him I still loved that taste.
I push my tongue to the roof of my mouth and I can still find his taste lingering there. I hope it never goes. It's a great smell to wake up to. It's a great taste to have. Hope it never goes. But it will. It always does. The blood washes it away and it's lost forever. It's times like this I wish I'd cleaned him more when we were alone. Before Darla and Dru found us. In those five years I washed him twice. I should have cleaned him more often, and then maybe the taste wouldn't fade.
Right now he smells of me and I revel in it. It's like he's mine again. I always smelt weird. Sort of like a mixture between peaches and baking cake. That's where he got my nickname from after all. I guess he likes the peaches smell more. I must taste really weird though. But I'm a weird person anyway so it doesn't matter. Wonder if Spike would like what I taste like. I mean I like his, so it would be nice if he liked mine...Okay, time to stop dwelling on weird thoughts that will never happen. Time to speak again.
"Why were you in L.A.? You already said you weren't in Sunnydale." He must have forgotten he said that because he looks confused. Now he's looking at the table again and thinking with his cute frown and crease at his lips.
"I...I came to find you." And that was the last thing I expected him to say. He's just stumped me with that sentence. "Needed to tell you to...to stay away." He's whispering again and I don't know why. If he starts shaking I'm done for. Okay I need to stay calm. Why did he want to tell me that? I've been in L.A. and he's been in Sunnydale. How much more could I stay away?
"I have." I answer. I'm not whispering. Maybe he wont anymore if I show some sort of control over the situation here.
"No you haven't!" Oh God he's yelling. Take a step back and let him stand up. He's just thumped his fist on the table and the mugs of blood have rattled, his had spilt a little because the blood is near the top. He's barely eaten anything. Why? "You wont leave me alone! Stop using the bond and stop turning up in my dreams!" What?
"Spike? Spike calm down." I'm using my calm voice now and he's listening thank God. "Listen to me. I haven't used the bond at all. That's just your dreams, not mine as well." He's looking confused again and is running his hands through his hair; it's practically standing on end now.
"I...I don't understand." Neither do i. Look at you. You're a wreck Spike. Looking thin and tired and just...not you. "I don't want to dream of you anymore. It started when you left me and I went to find Dru. You keep turning up in my dreams and Dru said I wasn't demon enough for her so she left and I went to Sunnyhell to kill the slayer. Then I get chipped and the only person I see when I'm asleep is you. Why wont you stop it?" He's looking at me with desperate eyes and I don't know what he's asking. I can't answer that Spike because I don't know.
"Spike?" He looks at me with those sullen eyes and I can't see Spike at all. I should have called him William. "Why were you wet when you got here?" He's shuffling his feet and I can barely hear his mumbling. Glad I have vampiric hearing right now.
"Walked across town in the rain. Got wet." I shake my head and he's looking for the world like a lost puppy. He'd probably whimper if he wouldn't feel like an idiot. All right. His clothes are upstairs. If I can get them dry then he can be on his way and he can leave like he wants to. He doesn't want to be here, it's obvious. So I nod and tell him to drink more blood while I sort his clothes out. He nods again and sits down. Tracing more patterns on the table and looking more lost than when he first turned up here.
Where has Spike gone?
############
I don't really like this chapter so sorry if it seems really off it's my fault because I don't quite know how to get from this to what I have planned. I know where this is going because it will be Spangel. But how to get to it is a problem. If anyone wants to cheer me up they could give me some ideas in reviews please. Thanks guys. Luv Higgy xxx.
"Angelus?"
Not sure yet boy. I don't feel like killing everyone yet but it takes a while so give me time. He sounded so lost. Like a child really. I'm lying happily with him still in my arms on top of my. He's smaller than me so I can feel his breath on my neck and top of my chest. I love this sensation. It's like a golden tingling that tickles down my spine and warms my body. Yes I know how stupid that sounded so sue me, that's what it's like.
He feels different now that he's awake. He's tensed slightly and I notice how his thumb is far from his mouth now. No sense of security any more then. I'm holding him and I think I should let go. He obviously feels unsure of his position so I should really let him go and get his bearings. I let my arms slip from his waist and rest them by my sides. He's wriggled slightly and is now lying next to me, watching the ceiling. Looking anywhere but me. God what have I done.
Congratulations Angel, you have now ruined whatever chance of rebuilding the trust between you. Good one. I mentally pat myself on the back and sigh. He shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be like this. We shouldn't be like this.
There was a time when we were comfortable round each other. Honestly. We would sit for hours and talk about everything. He would smile at me and I'd tell him about being a vampire. He used to listen with interest and ask tonnes of questions. He was always an inquisitive boy. I used to answer truthfully because he hated it when I lied. I told him of the downsides of being immortal and he listened quietly until I'd finished. Then he'd ask more questions and I'd answer. I miss those times when we were comfortable round each other.
Now all there is between us is time. A century of hate and loathing. It's not hard to see the hatred he has for me right now. He's watching the ceiling and playing with the hem of my shirt he's wearing. He's still thinking and I wonder if he's debating when to run for it. Spike always used to run when he didn't know what to do. I never taught him that one. He made that up himself. I think it settled in his head when I left them. I ran, and then Darla ran as well. I guess I had a small part in that one then. But he looks so lost. My poor boy.
I should say something. Keep him calm and act normal. Act like I haven't been reminiscing over our time spent together and wish I was back then. It can't be so I should forget it and act like the souled bastard I am. God I hate doing this. But Spike needs it. Spike was always a vampire for consistency. When he was left alone he got lost and didn't know what to do. But I suppose he's comfortable with what he's got now, so I should let him go. Be his own vampire.
But what should I say? I'm not Angelus I don't think. But he's worked that out because he's still here. If I was that soul-tortured idiot from three years ago he'd be bloody and on the floor. So I think the fact that I'm not Angelus is a given. So what should I say? Act normal. Right, I can do this. Calm voice and seem undaunted by the fact that he's still in your bed.
"How are you feeling?" There. Short, simple and caring. He should be able to answer that without any real problems and we'll be okay. We can talk about why he's here. Because I've been here for a while now and I still don't know what's happened to him. He's lying there and he wont look at me. Why not? Oh right, because he hates me. Duh...I think I've been round Cordelia too much.
"Fine." He whispers. God he's whispering. What happened to the loud-mouthed vampire who'd rather go running headfirst into a pack of watchers instead of sneaking round them? Yes he did do that once. Yes I was proud when he came home with only a cut from his fight. I was also immensely proud of the fact that the watchers in that group were searching for a potential. My lad had just stopped a little girl becoming our killer. I loved that vampire. Where's he gone?
"You want some blood?" Please say yes. You look too thin Spike. Your hips are too prominent and I can nearly count your ribs from here. Please say yes. I'm making a plan in my head about what to do. If he says yes then we can go downstairs and have a mug of blood each. We can sit and talk about what's happened to him. I need to know. He's my childe I deserve to know.
Oh good he's nodding. Not talking. Why's he not talking? I need him to talk. I can't work out what's wrong with him if he doesn't talk. Okay Angel calm down. Let's just get him downstairs at the moment and have some blood. That'll calm you down. Hopefully. I nod back and get out of the bed. Ow...okay maybe I should take this slow. Crick in the neck here from leaning on that headboard for so long. It doesn't matter. I'll be fine. Just get downstairs.
I'm stretching now and he's still on my bed. He's sitting up and his hair's all mussed from sleeping. But he makes no move to fix it. I'm glad he looks cuter like that. Not so much like a vicious killer. But I never thought he was a vicious killer anyway so I guess my opinion doesn't really count. He looks more like my little uneducated, foolish fledgling like that. I slowly make my way to the door and he follows silently. I'm bare foot and I make small scuffling sounds as we make our way down the stairs into the kitchen. He shuffles along in my socks.
As I put the blood into the mugs and into the microwave he sits at the table and I see how ridiculous he looks. Dressed in my huge clothes and hair in a mess that would rival a three years olds. My shirt is hanging off him and finished round his thigh instead of his waist. The sweats I clothed him in are trailing along the floor as he swings his legs like a kid. Always like a kid. The socks he's in seem too big as well and there's extra space at the end of his toes. His gaze has fallen to the table and he's making little patterns on the top of it. What has happened to you Spike?
"Here." I hand him the blood and he accepts it quietly. Since when has he become so quiet? I hate this he shouldn't be like this. It's not natural. I hate the fact that I missed the initiative's downfall. I'd have loved to make them pay for what they've done to him. It's just a shame that the chip can't be removed. I'm sure he's tried. And if it were possible, Spike would have had it out by now.
I drain half of my mug in one go whereas he sips tentatively. Sighing slightly I sit opposite him and he watches his finger make more patterns on the tabletop. He completely stinks of me. The clothes reek of my scent and I'm surprised he hasn't asked for his clothes back. He smells of me even more because of the tongue bath I gave him earlier. Did I mention how much I enjoyed that? He still tastes the same as last time. Of course there's the slight hint of leather a cigarettes, but he still has William's scent all over him. Trust me it's still my boy in there. For some reason he always smelt of strawberries and cream. I don't know why, he just does. And when I was cleaning him before, he still tasted of it. But I wont tell him that because he'll probably get embarrassed. He'd also be embarrassed if I told him I still loved that taste.
I push my tongue to the roof of my mouth and I can still find his taste lingering there. I hope it never goes. It's a great smell to wake up to. It's a great taste to have. Hope it never goes. But it will. It always does. The blood washes it away and it's lost forever. It's times like this I wish I'd cleaned him more when we were alone. Before Darla and Dru found us. In those five years I washed him twice. I should have cleaned him more often, and then maybe the taste wouldn't fade.
Right now he smells of me and I revel in it. It's like he's mine again. I always smelt weird. Sort of like a mixture between peaches and baking cake. That's where he got my nickname from after all. I guess he likes the peaches smell more. I must taste really weird though. But I'm a weird person anyway so it doesn't matter. Wonder if Spike would like what I taste like. I mean I like his, so it would be nice if he liked mine...Okay, time to stop dwelling on weird thoughts that will never happen. Time to speak again.
"Why were you in L.A.? You already said you weren't in Sunnydale." He must have forgotten he said that because he looks confused. Now he's looking at the table again and thinking with his cute frown and crease at his lips.
"I...I came to find you." And that was the last thing I expected him to say. He's just stumped me with that sentence. "Needed to tell you to...to stay away." He's whispering again and I don't know why. If he starts shaking I'm done for. Okay I need to stay calm. Why did he want to tell me that? I've been in L.A. and he's been in Sunnydale. How much more could I stay away?
"I have." I answer. I'm not whispering. Maybe he wont anymore if I show some sort of control over the situation here.
"No you haven't!" Oh God he's yelling. Take a step back and let him stand up. He's just thumped his fist on the table and the mugs of blood have rattled, his had spilt a little because the blood is near the top. He's barely eaten anything. Why? "You wont leave me alone! Stop using the bond and stop turning up in my dreams!" What?
"Spike? Spike calm down." I'm using my calm voice now and he's listening thank God. "Listen to me. I haven't used the bond at all. That's just your dreams, not mine as well." He's looking confused again and is running his hands through his hair; it's practically standing on end now.
"I...I don't understand." Neither do i. Look at you. You're a wreck Spike. Looking thin and tired and just...not you. "I don't want to dream of you anymore. It started when you left me and I went to find Dru. You keep turning up in my dreams and Dru said I wasn't demon enough for her so she left and I went to Sunnyhell to kill the slayer. Then I get chipped and the only person I see when I'm asleep is you. Why wont you stop it?" He's looking at me with desperate eyes and I don't know what he's asking. I can't answer that Spike because I don't know.
"Spike?" He looks at me with those sullen eyes and I can't see Spike at all. I should have called him William. "Why were you wet when you got here?" He's shuffling his feet and I can barely hear his mumbling. Glad I have vampiric hearing right now.
"Walked across town in the rain. Got wet." I shake my head and he's looking for the world like a lost puppy. He'd probably whimper if he wouldn't feel like an idiot. All right. His clothes are upstairs. If I can get them dry then he can be on his way and he can leave like he wants to. He doesn't want to be here, it's obvious. So I nod and tell him to drink more blood while I sort his clothes out. He nods again and sits down. Tracing more patterns on the table and looking more lost than when he first turned up here.
Where has Spike gone?
############
I don't really like this chapter so sorry if it seems really off it's my fault because I don't quite know how to get from this to what I have planned. I know where this is going because it will be Spangel. But how to get to it is a problem. If anyone wants to cheer me up they could give me some ideas in reviews please. Thanks guys. Luv Higgy xxx.