Spike's POV

I'm so stupid. Look at me. Sitting at the Poofter's table with a luke-warm half congealed mug of pig's blood. Can my unlife get any worse? I mean, as if being here wasn't hard enough, he asked me questions and for some stupid reason, I answered truthfully. I told him. See? I am so stupid. Congratulations Spike you have just ruined your unlife. Run into the stake now.

My fingers are tracing little patterns across the wooden surface. I find it funny that someone that's so self-protective like my sire would have wooden furniture. Anyone could just come in here, break and stake. Maybe that's what he wants. To wake up one day to find that someone's thrown a shard of desk in his chest because they thought he was Angelus. I could never do that.

I've tried to stake myself before you know. I was really going to go through with it. I was upset about Dru and Angelus being gone and everything. Then to add to my sucky unlife, the Scoobies had shacked me up with the Whelp. So yeah, I was depressed. And being the namby pamby little weakling I've always been, I decided to try and off myself. Didn't work as you can see.

Doesn't that just prove how shitty my life is? I can't even kill myself properly. Waste of space, that's me. So I guess I know what I'm going to be doing when I get home. I'll say cheerio to my big, brooding, huggable, sweet, sensitive, perfect sire before going home and greeting the dawn. Sounds like a plan. Good to have a plan. Can't stake myself, so I'll use the one thing that no one can stop to do it. Not even the slayer can stop me this time.

Wonder what he's doing out there. Probably gone to disinfect his bed or something. Get rid of all the Spike cooties or whatnot. But he's gone again. Not in the 'abandon me because of my soul' sense but gone, when we were getting on. Sort of. Well there was no real yelling. I know I yelled, but I was upset. I didn't want to yell but he made me.

He was acting all Sire like and I knew it was an act. How would you feel knowing that the one person that you keep having these feelings for and dreams about, is only pretending to like you. It hurts. Especially when you know that it's a trial for them to even be in the same room as you and not snap your neck. It hurts so much when I remember that part. When he left with that soul of his, it wouldn't have hurt so much if he'd not promised that he'd never leave. He swore to me he'd never leave. Two years later he did and I was left.

So to sum up how I'm feeling at this moment. I feel small, lost, alone, cold, scared and upset. I am bloody upset because I know that I'm going to have to leave. But that's not the biggest thing that's upsetting me. The part that really hurts, is knowing that he won't ask me to stay. Not once will he ask me to stop. Wait. Listen. Don't go. Stay with me. Please don't leave.

I said all of those to him when he was packing the first time. Well, I didn't so much say as sob. I was crying my eyes out so badly that evening when he left. Just once I'd like to hear him say something like that to me. Once. Is that too much to ask?

Fuck it. Time to stop living in the past and get on with it. Not gonna get dusted sitting here am I? Well, not since Angel suddenly began liking me. Right. I'm going to try and drink a bit more before finding him and telling him bye. At some point during that I will find me clothes, get dressed before walking out through that door. It's raining again. Guess I'll get wet on my way back to Sunnyhell wont I? Not like it matters.

Right. I'm up and moving. Throw the rest of the now cold blood down the sink and rinse my mug out. Turns out I didn't eat anything else. Haven't been eating much lately anyway. Bit thinner than usual, but it doesn't matter. When will I learn that I don't matter? So yeah I'm being homey and cleaning up after myself. Putting the mug to drip dry on the side. I'm homey but I'm not that well trained. Peaches can do his own drying up. We got that rule sorted ages ago. I wash he dries. Always worked that way, always will.

So yeah I'm done now. Walking away from the little kitchen thing into the main foyer of this poxy hotel. My Sire always needed a big place to live. I never complained. Turns out you can have a killer game of footy inside if your house is big enough. But now I'm on my own, I make do with my little run down crypt.

I'm walking up the stairs now. Smelling him out. Unique scent of Peaches is, surprise surprise, peaches. And a little of cooking cake, but more peaches then anything else. I follow the scent like a lost puppy and find myself outside his room again. Don't even bother to knock, just walk straight in.

My duster's hanging on the back of the door completely dry now. My boots look a little worse for wear but still wearable. Can't see my shirt or jeans though. Guess they're with my sire through the door into the bathroom. That's where I go. Lean in the doorway so not to disturb him. Of course, if I was feeling a little better and more like myself I would have yelled at him and ripped my clothes away before leaving immediately.

Sitting on the toilet is my sire. Sitting with his froofy hair and holding my clothes in his hands. But instead of checking they were dry like any normal person, he's got them pressed to his face. He's smelling my shirt and jeans and socks. Why? Nothing new there sire. Same shirt I was wearing sixty years ago when he last saw me. Same one I'm going to die in a few hours from now. What's the big deal? He's sniffing it and smiling like it's the most precious bloody thing to him in the world. Knew Dru wasn't the only insane one.

I'd better stop him before he does something really crazy. I cough loudly and he's looking at me like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I smile slightly and gesture to the clothes in his hands. "They dry?" He nods and hands them to me.

"Get dressed then you can leave."

You know you have those parts of you that tell you not to do the stupid things? Like a little voice that's been telling me not to go and fry myself? Well my little voice has always been quieter than most peoples, but now it's become mute. Okay, it's possibly been shot, stabbed, gutted and left to die. And I think the tiny part of me that felt wanted has just joined it.

It's not him leaving this time. At least I had no control over that. I had to deal because I was left. This time, I'm being forced to leave. I have to leave. I know I was going to leave anyway, but he didn't have to say it. Out loud it seems so...so real. So final and true. So now I'm the one leaving. I'm the evil one that's abandoning the other. Well fine. He wants me gone I'll go.

Snatch the clothes away and fold my arms. I seem to be becoming more defensive since the chip was implanted. Yep, that's me. Big fluffy puppy with bad teeth. I think he takes the hint because he's soon left and I've locked the door behind me. Bastard!

###

I'm changed. I'm ready to go. I'm so ready I'm downstairs in the lobby and preparing myself to walk back outside into the storm that's now decided to take place. I ready and raring. And also waiting for my sire to come down and say goodbye.

I'm that pathetic. I need him to say goodbye. I'm like a child. One of those kids you see going to their first day of school and they wont go until their mum has said goodbye and given them a kiss. I need him to say goodbye. If this is the last time I get to see him then I'm going to say goodbye.

I'm waiting. Waiting. Still waiting. Nothing. Where the bloody hell is he? I've been standing here like a lemon for the past...two minutes and he hasn't appeared. How can he expect me to stay still for so long? He knows I can't stand still. I'm always fidgeting and shuffling around. Otherwise I get bored. He knows this, so why is he taking so long? He said he'd be back in a second. Well it's now 120 seconds later and he's still not here. Bloody hell.

Tapping my foot now. See? I really can't stand still. It used to piss him off like crazy. He'd be teaching me the stealth part of being a vampire and before the couple we were going for had even stopped smocking, I was there. Did he honestly expect me to stand in the shadows and watch them get more action then I ever did whilst human? Silly bugger, I cannot...

"Stand still."

Oh, he's here now and my stomach's just done that weird flippy thing. Like it does before you go on stage for the first time. Butterflies in my stomach. Why? Because, he's here. My foot stops tapping against the tiles and I look down to avoid his eyes. Can't have him seeing me so nervous about saying goodbye now can I? He's walking casually towards me now. Bet you all he's thinking is that I'll be gone soon. Lucky him. All I'm thinking is how close he's getting.

Why is he getting so close?

"Are you ready to go?" See? All he can talk about is getting rid of me. All he can think off is getting me out of his life. I'm not wanted. I'm not wanted by anybody. Never was. My dad left my mum when I was a baby because I wasn't meant to happen. My mum was always trying to get me married off to someone. Angelus even left to get rid of me. Dru was only too happy to find a chaos demon to shag instead of me. Buffy and her gang of misfits don't really count...but they don't care either. Do you see any one of them trying to find me? Nope. Never been wanted in my life. Or unlife. Ever.

He watches me nod my head and then nods back. Real conversationalists aren't we? Was easier if we're fighting. But I don't have the energy to fight. Need all the strength I have to get home and greet the sun. Right okay. Clear my throat and prepare myself. Gonna be normal and casual. See ya round Peaches. That'll do. Okay. Deep breath now...

"I...I probably should..."

Oh well done Spike. That was so casual wasn't it? Can I help it though? My stomach's flipping and my throat's dry and my voice is all breathy and he's so close now. So close to me. His hair's lighter if you stand here and see it. Not so froofy from this angle. Wanna touch it...NO! What the hell? Okay calm down. Just don't think about how he's gotten really close now. So close that I can feel the nonexistent breath not touching my face. Should go. Should defiantly go now. Can't move.

He's right in my face now and I can't look away. My eyes are stuck on his lips. Wonder what they'd feel like...what the hell is wrong with me? Lick my lips and go to pull away. Got to get away before I do something stupid. Well I would move if he lets go off my arms and stops looking at me like some sort of hungry animal. God Angel when did your eyes become so intense? There's emotion there I don't understand. Can't understand why he's holding my arms so tight and licking his lips whilst pulling me closer either. Who cares? Close my eyes and wait it out. I probably look like a right idiot. Standing here in my sire's arms so close to him. Almost like he's going to...

Shit!

I pull away fast and shove his arms away. What the hell was that all about? I'm panting. God I'm shaken up now. Can barely stay on my feet I'm so...well I don't know what because I'm confused and I think straight right now. Okay drag my eyes away from the interesting tiled floor and look over at my sire. He's just watching me with those eyes. He's not smiling or anything. Just...watching. Gotta go. Gotta go now.

Back towards the door and he doesn't follow. Thank god. I'll think about this when I'm watching the sun tomorrow. Then I can die confused and alone. Like it was meant to be.

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Oh...nearly a kiss! Darn them for stopping! I needed some slash there...but oh well. I can't exactly force them together can I? Can I? Oh...evil nasty slashy thoughts... you want to review and make me put them together? I promise some slashiness next time peeps. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You are the foundations on which we writers build our lives...and fics...

Luv Higgy xxx