A/N: And again, suing me would be a waste of time. It's not like I'm claiming to own Dragon Warrior. Because I'm not...

The hazards of fighting-

The Hero, Suzumi, stumbled along outside the castle grounds, quite intent on reaching a new town. The booze in the city had lasted a great many weeks, but had unfortunately run out. It was her own fault for drinking so much of it, but she'd handily blamed a nearby guard and escaped the riot that ensued.

"A slime draws near!"

Suzumi jumped and looked around for whoever had spoken. "I can see… you dumbass."

"Command?"

A strange gnome wandered close, carrying cue cards. On the cue cards were her options in the fight with the blue blob in front of her. "Hmm… there's no skewer and roast over an open fire. How in the world am I going to get anything to eat if all I do is fight and walk away?"

"You have selected fight."

"Huh! When the hell did I do that? I want to skewer and cook the bastard!" Suzumi lunged forward and attacks the slime.

"It is dodging!"

The slime hadn't moved an inch from his previous position. Suzumi stepped back and stared angrily at the slime. "Really, that's funny. I know I'm drunk and all, but the stupid bugger didn't move!"

"The slime attacks! Thy hit points decrease by 1!"

Again, the slime hadn't moved an inch. Yet oddly, she felt as if they little bastard had poked her in the toe. "You stupid little donkey fucker!"

"Command?"

"Oh, I am so going to find you and kill you as well."

"You have selected fight."

A vein in Suzumi's forehead twitched. "Fine… have it your way." Suzumi walked carefully over to the slime. The thing seemed to be gloating away, without moving an inch. How did the thing do it?

Sick of letting it live, She violently begins hacking away at it. "Suzumi attacks! The slime's hit points have been reduced by 26. Thou hast done well in defeating the slime."

"Oh gee, thanks so much for the commentary. Like I give a flying leap about that, as long as it dies and I can cook it!"

"Thy experience increases by 1. Thy gold increases by 1."

"Whoa, whoa now! I didn't have an experience with that thing or with your disembodied voice. I don't know what's wrong with the people in this country, but I'm not a whore! So you can take your gold and shove it!"

Suzumi quickly skewered the slime onto her shiny copper sword and roasted it over a flame. "This thing tastes funny. Doesn't this country have any tasty monsters?"

"A green dragon draws near!"

"Holy fuck shit."

"Thou hast thy ass handth to thou."