I'm sorry
Summary: letting go
Authors Note: I hope that you enjoy this story as much as I did writing it. I actually made myself cry while I was typing this out. Feedback is wonderful. Tell me what you think!
Michelle's Office
Los Angeles California
5:46 p.m.
(the day after season four)
She sighed heavily as she shifted through the stacks of reports that littered her desk. Yesterday had been a mess and thankfully Jack had once again found a way to save the day. She shook her head against the onslaught of memories that yesterday brought on. The nightmare that was just eighteen months ago when her perfect world took a turn for the worst. Then the day that her perfect marriage and her life with her soul mate began to sour. They had been closer than ever while he was in prison. Their love was the only thing that made it possible for her to get through each day. The memories of him, of them, helped her keep it together when she wanted nothing more than to completely give into the depression that tore at her heart. But when he was released she thought that her world would fall perfectly back into place. Hoped that they would pick up where they left off, a little worse for ware, but so much stronger, so much more in love and together, at last.
She felt her eyes fill with tears when she remembered the anger that consumed him. The rage that burned within him after he was released. The anger that was only fueled by alcohol and that erupted from within him at all hours of the day. She was never afraid of Tony physically abusing her, but his anger was all consuming until she could no longer be there for him, until she was at risk of completely losing herself. That was when his words from the year before echoed through her thoughts, "Baby your alive and no body else got hurt because of what I've done. I can live with that…", she knew that she took it completely out of context, but she only hoped that he could live with the fact that she was alive and that she could save some portion of her soul from the eminent death. Though fact was, she was dying without him, without his companionship, without his love, but she refused to watch him drink his life away. She couldn't watch as that perfect man disappeared day by day, drop by drop. She couldn't lose him, not like that.
A strong knock broke her from her thoughts and she glanced at her watch. Shaking her head she couldn't remember having made an appointment for this late in the day. "Enter." She called out, still sorting through the papers on her desk, while occasionally typing codes and numbers on her computer.
Her door opened and shut and when there was no movement from the person to come further into the office she looked up to her visitor. Her breath catching immediately in her throat and she felt the tears building again. "Hi Tony." She whispered so softly that she barely heard the sound come from her throat.
He walked silently across the office to stand in front of her desk. She let her eyes trail quickly over him. His gruff, unshaven five o'clock shadow. His dark hair that was cut shorter than usual, his chest covered in a dark blue, button-up dress shirt and a pair of black slacks covered his legs. She looked into his eyes, surprised to find that the alcoholic haze was absent from his beautiful, dark orbs. Surprised even more by the fact that his eyes were filled with grief, pain, and they shown with love and adoration for her. Absent was the anger that had consumed him, replaced only by sorrow. She shook her head softly, trying to rid herself of the desire to take him into her arms and hold him like she had wanted to do for the past months that she had been without him. Wanting in return to feel his warm embrace comforting her.
Squaring her shoulders, she met his eyes evenly. "Is there something I can help you with, Tony?"
He met her eyes with the same intensity. "I wanted to talk to you, Michelle. There are some things that I need to say."
She shook her head and pushed herself to her feet, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "No Tony. I can't do this. I can't fight with you anymore…. My lawyer will get with you about the divorce papers." She sighed sadly and walked to the window to stare out at the city. Her back turned to him. "Tony, I can't watch you do this to yourself. I can't fight with you and I won't watch you drink yourself to death. It's destroying me." Tears filled her eyes and she fought to keep the emotion out of her voice. Defeated she sighed softly, "Not anymore, Tony."
He closed his eyes against the tears that filled them and walked slowly up to her. Stopping a few feet away. When he spoke his voice was low and husky with unshed tears. "Michelle, I didn't come here to fight. I don't want to fight. There are some things I need to say." He paused for a minute, taking a deep breath. "There are things I need to say to you and you don't have to say anything back. That's not what I came for. But I need to get some things off my chest and then I can go."
He waited for her to give him any kind of sign she was listening and when she made no movement or noise he continued. "I want you to know that the years we spent together where the best years of my whole life.. I never expected you to come along and sweep me off my feet like you did. I thought after Nina that my world was destroyed, that I could never trust again. But then you came along..." He smiled brilliantly and reached out to pull her into his arms, stopping short he crossed his arms across his chest. "So beautiful and so damn amazing that I could barely see straight. You believed in me and trusted me and then you helped me believe again. Believe in everything that was good in life. You showed me what was good in life." He smiled softly. "And I fell so in love with you... I never knew that I could feel so good. I never knew that I could love so much, so deep. I didn't think that it was possible to love someone as much as I did, as much as I do love you. You and me, we were meant for each other, you know?" His voice broke on a sob and he stopped for a moment to suppress his emotions enough to continue on.
"I remember the day that you made all my dreams come true. The day we stood in front of the priest and in front of God... I thought that was the happiest day of my life, but in truth, everyday I got to spend with you was a gift. Everyday you made me happier than the day before." He smiled again in memory as the tears cascaded from his eyes.
She closed her eyes tight, letting the silent tears run down her cheeks, wishing that she could have that happiness back in her life. The happiness that filled her life before this happened. The happiness that she never imagined could be possible until Tony came into her life. The tears fell faster as she heard his voice crack wanting all the pain to disappear. Hugging her arms closer to her chest, she just listened.
He brushed the tears off his face. His eyes trained on her. Her hair was halfway swept up in a metal clasp, the long ringlets falling past her shoulders. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and wrap his fingers in her hair. To hold her in his arms and never let go, but he had lost that privilege. Taking a deep breath he stepped closer to her. Close enough to hear her ragged breathing and he knew she was crying. It was almost enough for him to walk away, but there were still things he wanted to say. "Michelle, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for everything that happened that last day at CTU. I am sorry that I couldn't tell you about the mission. I am sorry that I made you question our trust. I am sorry for being so angry with you and about the fight that we had before you went to that hotel. I am just sorry that that whole day turned to shit."
She laughed out loud through the tears that fled from her eyes.
He returned her chuckle and continued. "I am sorry that I couldn't be there for you like you needed after that day… In every way that a husband should be. I am sorry for everything that I did that day, except the choice I made to save your life. I would never take that back. I will never be sorry for the things that I gave up so that you could live. That's all that matters to me, Michelle. All that matters to me is that you are alive and happy." He sniffled, keeping his eyes on her. "And if you are happy without me, I can live with that too….. Michelle I am sorry for the way I treated you when I was released. I am sorry that my anger overwhelmed me and I am so, so sorry that I pushed you away. That's what I regret most….. I am sorry that I hated you when you left and that I was blind to the reason why. I am sorry that I was so mad, so involved with me that I couldn't understand the truth of why you couldn't be with me anymore."
He closed his eyes and let the tears flow from them in a steady river. "I am sorry for everything that I've been and everything that I couldn't be." He stepped towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "I am sorry that I couldn't be what you needed, Michelle." He leaned over and brushed his lips to her cheek. Closing his eyes to let her presence engulf all of his senses one last time. "I will always love you, Michelle. Thank you for being so amazing that I would give up my life for you. Thank you for every day that you gave me with you without reservation, without question. Thank you for loving me... I love you forever, my love." He brushed his lips against her hair. "Goodbye, Michelle." Inhaling one last time, he turned to leave while he could still let go. He walked quickly to the door, hoping to make it to his car before he completely broke down.
"Tony, please!" Her voice broke across the silence of the office, stopping him still at the door. She turned to him for the first time since she moved to window.
He turned to face her at her small demand. Tears staining their faces as their eyes met across the room.
"Stay?" She cried.
A small smile turned up the corners of his lips and he took a hesitant step towards her, not wanting to misjudge her request. Not sure that he trusted his ears so completely. Not sure that he could handle it if he had misunderstood.
"Please…. Don't go." She pleaded again and held out her hand to him. Silently they moved together and he swept her up in his arms. Her arms sliding around his neck and his hand buried in her hair and his other around her waist, crushing her to him. They held each other against the emotion that overcame them, swaying gently in their soothing embrace. The desperate sobs that they shared were the only sound in the empty office.
In each others arms they cried, letting the flood of emotion cleanse all the pain that had held them captive for so long, clinging to the world that they almost left behind. Clinging to promise of each other.
"Oh God, Tony… Please don't let go." She sobbed into his shoulder. "Don't let go. I love you so much. You are ALL I need."
A gruff sob escaped his lips as he buried his head in her shoulder, pulling her closer to him, holding her tighter. "I am sorry." He whispered over and over into her shoulder.
She gently pushed him away from her and placed her finger to his lips. "Don't be sorry, just don't let us go... Please." She smiled up at him. The first smile that had crossed her lips in months. "Let's forget these last eighteen months and just be us again."
The smile that lit his face went all the way to his eyes, "I love you so much." He whispered and lowered his lips to hers, softly caressing her lips with his, letting all his love sink into her through his lips. Wanting to show her everything that he couldn't find words for. Wanting to cherish and worship her.
She pressed her lips against his greedily, wanting to feel this connection down into the very depths of her soul. Wanting to make him believe that her feelings for him never once faltered. That her love still completely overwhelmed her, just as it always had. Their lips and tongues dueled against each other for long moments, consuming each other so completely.
When they broke away, she leaned back to look into his eyes. "Baby, let's go home." Smiling softly at one another, he slipped his hand into hers, lacing their fingers together and led her home.
Authors Note: Well after being completely distraught after finding out why Michelle left Tony, I had to resolve it someway. :o) I guess I was still hoping that all the rumors of them being separated were just rumors. I mean come on, we all know that they belong together, why are they acting like this? But at least they aren't divorced. Or at least I am hoping they are not. They just said she left him, NOT that she divorced him. Right?