Author's note: While I love Lord of the Rings fanfiction, I have trouble writing my own because the world is so complex. But this one arose in my head and demanded to be written, looking at Merry from Estella Bolger's point of view. Forgive me if my writing is too American English, I can't help it.
These characters do not belong to me, they belong to people I love and respect!
Scars
by Blue Jeans
My Merry has nightmares sometimes. Sometimes they are so terrifying that he starts screaming and becomes entangled in the sheets. I wake him then, avoiding his flailing limbs the best I can, although he has bruised me accidentally when I'm not careful enough. Understandably, he is always incredibly sorry if he notices that he has hurt me, but otherwise, after checking me over for wounds, he turns over and goes to sleep with a swift, "I am well. Go to sleep, 'Stella."
In the morning I always try to talk to him about what has happened and what he dreams about, but Merry quickly changes the subject or leaves the table abruptly, disappearing for most of the day. He always comes back though, usually bringing a small gift as an apology, but he never wants to discuss what he dreams about with me. It hurts me terribly that he does not want to talk to me, it feels like there is a small part of him that he guards from me and tells me that I could never understand. But those dreams will not stop, they continue to torment him and I can not bear to have my beloved to be in so much pain.
It was not until Yule that I finally scrounged up the courage to discuss the matter with Mayor Samwise while we were visiting Bag End with Pippin and Diamond. Merry and Pippin went off somewhere to have a smoke, inviting Sam to come along with them. Sam had had to refuse, pleading the need to tuck his many children into bed. I saw this as my chance.
"Sam," I said softly, "A word?"
"Of course, Estella." Sam ushered me into his study and gave me a concerned look. "Is everything well between you and Merry?"
"No, everything is not well at all!" I burst out suddenly, and before Sam could gasp, I rambled about how Merry's difficulties sleeping some nights, his reluctance to confide in me, and how I felt I did not understand my own husband.
"Estella," Sam began carefully, "Why do you think that Merry chooses not to tell you about his nightmares?"
I bit my lower lip and finally admitted, "Because he does not believe that I am as clever as he is and will not understand..."
"That is not true," he said firmly. "He married you because you just are as clever as he is and because he loves you very much. But he cannot tell you what he dreams of because he wants to protect you." I opened my mouth to protest, but quickly shut it when Sam raised a hand. "No, please hear me out. Merry has seen things that no hobbit has ever seen before. All of us, Pippin, Merry, Mister Frodo, and myself came back home changed. Not all the sights we saw were glorious... we saw gruesome, horrible things. We all nearly died more than once, and I do believe that Pippin and Merry were tortured when they were kidnapped by a band of Uruk-hai."
"But... but Merry never told me-"
"Yes, he never told you to protect you. There is a side of him that you never will know or understand. Rose and Diamond can see it in Pippin and myself, and of course they are not too happy about it. But what can be done? We want to protect the three of you because we love you and we never want any of you to go through what we went through. War is not easy for anyone, especially not for a hobbit who has been sheltered all his life."
Sam took a deep breath and continued, "Before he left, Mister Frodo once said, 'How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand that there is no going back.'"
"But you are here. And so are Merry and Pippin. Time must have healed those wounds," I said miserably.
"Yes, time does heal some wounds, but not all close, and even those that do leave scars." Right then, Sam's face changed, and he looked oddly old and tired. "Frodo suffered the most out of the four of us and he had to leave to heal. We were not wounded to the extent that he was, and we have healed, but we are still scarred. You do not need to understand everything. All the things that that you want to understand are exactly the things that Merry wants to protect you from. You love him and understand him enough to accept him. That is all anyone can do for those that they love."
I nodded sorrowfully. Sam smiled then and patted my shoulder, "You are a good woman, Estella. Exactly the type of woman that Merry needs by his side. I used to worry a lot about Merry and Pippin until they married. Oh, I know those lads rode about the Shire in fine clothing and sparkling chain mail, but behind their smiles were the pains they tried to distract themselves from. All they needed to finally close those wounds were two good lasses to comfort and love them."
That night, Merry did not have a nightmare. He did not have one until a week after we left Bag End, and it was the worst fit I had ever seen him in. After I woke him and he checked me over, he rolled over to his side and muttered, "I am well, go to sleep 'Stella."
Taking a deep breath, I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. "I know you are well." Merry suddenly turned and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. I stroked his hair as he slowly fell back to sleep.
At breakfast the next morning he looked at me oddly and waited for me to start pestering him about his nightmare. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, then passed him a large stack of blueberry hotcakes. He gave me the biggest, brightest smile I had ever seen and then tucked in with enthusiasm.
In truth, it is difficult to heed Sam's advice. That I cannot understand everything about my Merry still hurts me, especially as the nightmares have not stopped and most likely never will. But when he holds me or looks into my eyes, I understand now that all he needs me to be is to be his support, his rock in the storm. My Merry no longer runs away after breakfast, instead he stays with me as much as he can and smiles most of the time, even after a night full of nightmares.