'Observations'
Just another day like any other at Titan's Tower, thought the dark girl.
Raven was bored.
The boys (Cyborg and Beastboy) had each other, and their games. Robin had his 'work,' as he referred to his obsessive search for clues as to the whereabouts of Slade, Brother Blood, and other assorted nasty types. Starfire was happy just being around any of the others, or if the need arose, she was capable of entertaining herself.
Raven usually read her books. If not reading, she was meditating alone, although Starfire did join her for short periods from time to time. Raven was comfortable with her routine, which was broken up often enough by a call to action, when the team mobilized to foil some evildoer's latest scheme.
Today was different, though. Raven felt restless. Meditation was not helping today. More drastic measures were in order. Her eyes fell on her mirror-the one that enabled her to communicate directly with her innermost feelings. The feelings that she worked so diligently to keep submerged, where they could do no harm to others.
She prepared herself for her journey of introspection, repeating the time-worn words she knew so well-
She ended her session after only a few minutes, her worst fears confirmed. One of her emotions, one of two she kept the tightest reign on, was clamoring for attention. Creating trouble. Threatening chaos. No, anger was in check, as she already knew. This was even worse. Love was politicking her way to a position of great significance. Ever since- Malchior, that silver-tongued deceiver had first awakened in Raven hope. The hope that she, the Halfling - an outsider even to her own people – Raven, might actually be able to experience true love. That hope, so eagerly embraced by the isolated half-demon girl had caused Love to awaken from her endless sleep. Newly awakened Love-Raven had been sorely injured by the cruel deception of Malchior; who had seduced her, only to manipulate Raven to do his bidding. Now Love sought solace in the only way she knew how. She sought a new object of affection.
Raven sighed. She should have seen it coming, should have been prepared. In what may have been the lowest point of her near-adult life - her greatest moment of weakness, he had been there to offer words of comfort. Simple, truthful words wise beyond his knowing. Gratefully, she had clung to him, surrendering to her frustration, her despair, and her utter misery.
'But we-we have nothing in common, nothing at all,' she had pleaded with Love-Raven.
'Nothing, except the shared experiences of loneliness, rejection and –most importantly, caring,' came the stern reply by Love. 'You know that he has great empathy for others- and he cares for you, especially. And like it or not, you feel that love emanating, and it calls to you. You do care for him.'
Raven bristled; 'Yes, I care for him-as I do any of my friends, but nothing more.'
'Do not think to deceive me!' Love-Raven had laughed, heartily. 'As much as you reject his advances, he comes back for more. You abuse him, and yet he cares. You have attempted to demolish his ego, yet he still yearns for your attention. You find that admirable, and flattering. You do not wish him to stop! Be truthful!'
Raven had opened her mouth to deny, but failed to speak before Love continued. 'You are afraid. Afraid that he merely views you as a conquest, a heckler he is determined to win over with his comedic overtures. But you know better! You can see it in the way he sulks when you reject him. The way his eyes plead with you to look upon him with favor. Who is always the first to come to your aid in battle? Who is first to check on your welfare when you are despondent? Even when he flirted with Terra, he did not neglect you. He was always mindful of you, even if it was just that he watched you out of the corner of his eye. Even then, he looked at you with those same caring eyes, hoping against hope to detect a hint of jealousy.'
Raven sat in thought for long moments. Love-Raven spoke truthfully. But what to do? She couldn't just waltz up to Him and bare her soul – that was an impossibility. Pride and stubbornness would not allow that.
Agonizing soul-searching hours later, she reluctantly reached a decision. One that her emotions did not approve without lodging grievous protests. It was a halfway measure at best. A compromise: she would write down her-feelings. All her thoughts and feelings concerning Him. She would build a case – in black and white – and it would be decided, for or against. No holding back, no half-truths. She would record everything she felt or experienced in full detail, truthfully. It was the best she could do. At least, that is what she had convinced herself.
Raven closed her eyes; mouth set in a hard line. Possibly the hardest thing she would ever have to do was – write a diary. She allowed herself a grim smile. He would undoubtedly find her situation humorous-
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She carefully wrote on the top of the first page of the small notebook:
Observations concerning the object of 'Love's' desire.
Tuesday
He made breakfast today. I hate it, but he tried once again to make me try some. I-hadn't noticed before – he always tries to get me to eat some, even though he knows I won't. He doesn't do that to the others nearly as often…
Asked if I would like him to pick me up some more tea at the grocery. He didn't have to do that – I have plenty. I think he was trying to be-nice.
He told a joke at lunch today. Everyone found it quite amusing. It seemed that he looked at me more than the others, as if seeking my approval. I guess it wasn't too lame. Not that I would ever tell him-
Movie night. The usual. Everyone had a different preference. After my suggestion, however, he became noticeably less vocal, and even suggested that it might be my turn, after all.
He sat next to me on the couch. I guess it was okay. He got scared, and grabbed me-. Of course, I flung him across the room. I felt slightly guilty, though. I liked it- a little- that he looked to me for comfort in his fright.
All for today. Fatiguing writing this. Hate it.
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Wednesday
They all wanted me to play volleyball. Not! He and Starfire came to my room to beg. Said no, included a few choice invectives. Starfire left in disappointment- he was angry. But maybe, looking in his eyes, it was more hurt than anger. I'm sorry…
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Thursday
Duty call. Johnny Rancid showed off some new toys. Kicked his butt. But, I saw you-know-who almost get seriously injured because he kept watching me. Of course, I shielded him - no big. He insisted on fawning all over me, thanking me. Told him to pay more attention, and maybe I won't have to save his butt all the time. He started to say 'I just want to-to make sure that-' and then turned crimson and fled. I will try not to scowl at him next time. Maybe. The Chivalrous thing. I guess that's OK. Actually, it's really kind of cute. Did I just write 'cute?' Eeewww…
Went to his room. Told him 'thanks for-you know' immediately turned and left. Made his day. Waay too much happiness. Think I'm going to be sick…
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Friday
Slept in late. He brought me up a cup of tea. Almost invited him in, but I didn't want him to think I'm going all-soft on him, after last night. The tea was perfectly prepared – how did he know? I didn't realize he was so observant. I feel funny. Need to meditate. Maybe ask the others about- No-no way.
Talked me into going out to a party with them. Dumb party. Preppie central. Disturbingly colorful and cheery deco. Everyone asked me to dance-once. But he asked me 16 times. I was embarrassed for myself-and for him too, I guess. I finally gave in and told him that under other circumstances I might consider it, but I didn't know how.
Next thing, he drags me to the center of the stupid dance floor, smiling like an idiot. Don't know why I didn't use my powers to flee. Or something else. Instead I tried to blend in. Whatever. Almost didn't hate it. Then the music abruptly switched to a slow dance. Why did I not leave? Was contemplating how to tell him that there was so no way, but he put his arm around my waist, and started to guide me to the rhythm. It shocked me. It was so–not horrible. His hands were pleasantly warm, as was his smile. He was very gentle and respectful not to try anything funny with that hand on my waist. Against all my better judgment, I actually wished he would let that hand slip just a little…
OMG! I think I am starting to like him. Stupid love.
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Sunday
Spent all of yesterday avoiding all human contact. Tried to meditate. Not helpful. Resignedly concluded must talk to 'Love-Raven.' One last try. Maybe 'Despair' might have some useful suggestions. Or 'Boo-yah.' Or 'Hate'…
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Monday
Session with emotions sucked. 'Love' is practically running the place. It would help a lot if 'Happy' and 'Vanity' weren't so freakin' giddy over this state of affairs. Even 'Bookworm' didn't mind. Even 'Hate' and 'Jealousy' were no help. They're too busy planning a coup d'état…
Found an envelope taped to my door.
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Dear Raven,
I live my life only hoping
to see you happy
to see you smile
to hear your laughter
to have you look at me like I mean something
to hold your hand
to feel your warmth
to gently caress your beautiful hair
to trace the line of your neck
to taste the sweetness of your lips
to hold you
to comfort you when you need it
to offer understanding
to offer everything I have to give
to give myself
to have you accept me-
I don't pretend to understand all about you. I know better. But I know there is much more to you than your unemotional exterior.
I won't act like a stupid kid, and tell you I love you. I can't know that yet. But I want to find out. I want to try to be worthy of you. I want to know if you can care deeply for me, as I do for you.
If you never want me to talk like this again, I understand. Please don't tell the others. And please don't leave me guessing. I would rather know the awful truth than be left guessing, hoping, dreaming, and praying. Please don't be angry with me for writing this-I had to know. Ever since I first saw you I wanted to tell you that I liked you, but I was afraid. It had taken so long to get up my courage to even write this.
XOXOXO,
Beastboy-
Can't believe he actually wrote that. I guess there are a lot of things I don't know about him, either. Re-read it. Poetry? My hands are trembling…
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Tuesday
I think this will be my last entry. No point, anymore.
Went downstairs early this morning. He was there, preparing breakfast, over Cyborg's protestations. I gave him a small smile, and asked if he would make something-special-for me…