Disclaimer: Only the plot, which isn't that great, belongs to me. The rest belongs to J. K. Rowling. She created it, and I'm just messing around with her toys.
Correspondence
Summary: Harry isn't getting his letters, so he decided to see if Voldemort is intercepting them. A surprising thing happens- Harry starts to make a friendship where he shouldn't. After all, he does have to kill the guy. Right? Mostly told in the form of letters.
Chapter Seven - Lovers and Trellises
Last Time:
Severus Snape got up and went to his office to prepare for class. Running a hand through his hair thoughtfully, he stopped mid-motion. He cringed, remembering something from his school days. Squeezing his eyes shut, he conjured a mirror, to find that…
On to The Story!
Tom-
Would you care to enlighten us as to why Professor Snape appears to look like a model?
-Hermione
To the readers: a description of snape as found in my little notebook:
hair not greasy, tied back into a low pony tail, smiling (part of the prank), robes an elegant dark green with embarrsing pink trim, and a pink sheen to hair (4 sapphire dragons who likes snapey-kins in pink) actually is fair (the prank, once again) gives actual instruction to class, nev manages to get potion done, although he's in diff. class so should I work it in or not? the i've-been-living-under-a-rock-for-my-entire-life skin tone is replaced by a light tan, and many girls develop crushes on him, work that in? and then it goes onto more story planning that would give away a large part of the plot that somehow developed if i put it in, so i won't!
Hermione-
Have you ever read Pranking Marauder Style?
-Tom
Tom-
No I haven't would you care to lend it to me?
-Hermione
Hermione-
I only have one copy and I need it. Quite sorry. I have found a method of instant communication. I'm working on it though. I can't kill muggles anymore, well, only after the new Halo game comes out. (Sorry if I meesed it up, I'm not a big gaming person.) Could you possibly recommend any games to me?
-Tom
Tom-
Nope, but patience is a virtue. Are you going to be giving Christmas gifts?
-Hermione
Hermione-
oh dear, thank you so much for reminding me. Finding gifts that are appropriate for the Death Eaters is so tiring. I wish that I could all give them chocolates and a bonus, but no, they just have to be picky. Does your mother prefer black or red lingerie?
-Tom
Tom-
ummmm… Could we NOT discuss my mother's choice of undergarments?
-Hermione
Hermione-
I was kidding. But, does she like light or dark chocolate?
-Tom
Tom-
She's a dentist.
-Hermione
Hermione-
What's a dentist?
-Tom
Tom-
A muggle doctor who takes care of muggles teeth. Ginny has decided that I'm not working hard enough, so I have to go and help her plan, so letters will be very slow. We encountered a slight setback on the invitations, but we have almost gotten them right.
-Hermione
Hermione-
Maybe I'll get her a nice, safe book. How does The Rise and Fall of The Dark Arts sound?
-Tom
Tom-
Do we want my mom knowing that her brother is a Dark Lord and a murderer?
-Hermione
Hermione-
I resent that! I am a Dark Lord, but I most certainly not a murderer. Now Malfoy, that would be a murderer. I have ordered peoples deaths, but I have never killed before.
-Tom
Tom-
Really? What about my grandparents?
-Hermione
Hermione-
Okay, I've only killed three people. Happy?
-Tom
Tom-
Moaning Myrtle, Resident ghost of the second floor girls bathroom.
-Hermione
Hermione-
She annoyed my snake.
-Tom
Tom-
Fine. The invitations are ready! You should get yours sometime soon.
-Hermione and Ginny
Tom!
HELP! I have no clue what to get Ginny for Christmas. What do you think that I should get her?
-Harry
Harry-
I have no clue, ask Hermione.
-Tom
Tom-
I did, and she said that I should be able to figure it out by myself.
-Harry
Tom-
Oh, I'll ask her why.
-Tom
Hermione-
Why should Harry be able to figure out what to get Ginny for Christmas? He's a male, Hermione. Unless Ginny has been dropping hints left and right, which I doubt, he has no clue. By the way, what should I get Ginny and Draco for Christmas?
-Tom
Hermione read the letter over once again and shook her head, muttering something derogatory about men and their brain capacity. She then smiled softly, and began penning a letter to her uncle.
Tom-
Draco is a seeker for the Slytherin team, so maybe a practice snitch or something like that. Ginny is a chaser, so maybe something quidditch related. But Ginny has been doing a lot of writing lately, so maybe a good book to write in. Since you probably can't figure out what I want, just a few books, the enclosed enchanted list is one that has all of the books that I have, or someone has bought for me. It took me a few months to figure out, so don't lose it!
-Hermione
Hermione-
Thank you for the list. Might I inform you that one of your books is under Mr. Weasley's bed? Also the book I am loaning you should help for when you go to retrieve your books.
-Tom
Tom-
Do I want to know why you have a book on cursing wayward lovers? Although the ::ahem:: Shrinkage Charm might come in handy, or the Softening one. Although Draco and Harry won't let me practice on them. I can't imagine why.
-Hermione
Hermione-
What did I tell you about not becoming a Dark Lord, or in your case, Dark Lady? But, look on page two hundred. If you put the right timing on that one, Ronnikins will not be able to have children for a few thousand years.
-Tom
Tom-
I'm not going to cause permanent damage, but I have a few plans. This book really cam in handy. As I am returning yours, and It looks like I would be unable to buy a copy myself, would you mind picking one up for me? If you tell me the cost, I'll give you ten percent more for your trouble.
-Hermione
Hermione-
I don't think that this book, or a copy of it should be in Hogwarts for more than a month, if only because the Hogwarts wards don't take to kindly to books that focus solely on revenge. If you would like to, I have a small unused room that could be turned into a private library for you.
-Tom
Tom-
The part of the castle we are staying in isn't covered by the normal wards. Will those wards affect it? I do love the idea about the library, I have a trunk full of shrunken books.
-Hermione
Hermione-
Sure, send them over, and I suppose that the wards down below will not affect the book. Might I ask why there are Christmas Carols following me around?
-Tom
Tom-
You got your invitation! Good. So will you be able to attend?
-Hermione
Hermione-
I wouldn't miss my niece's first big party for the world. ::sniffle:: Now onto business, just how do I make it shut up?
-Tom
Tom-
You tell it Harry Potter is God.
-Hermione
Hermione-
Why?
-Tom
Tom-
Because that's how you make it shut up.
-Hermione
Hermione-
It didn't work, and a pig flew by my window.
-Tom
Tom-
Oh sorry, we must have changed it around. I'll go ask Ginny.
-Hermione
Tom-
We fixed it so you have to be able to sing along on key before it shuts up. Aren't they just great?
-Ginny
Hermione-
May I please murder one Ginevra Molly Weasley?
-Tom
Tom-
What's she do this time?
-Hermione
Hermione-
She enchanted the stupid invitations to sing at me until I could sing along with them! Ex-Dark Lords DO NOT sing Christmas Carols. They just don't! Pretty please with sugar on top. And a cherry, with a couple hundred galleons? Please? Can I please kill HER.
-Tom
Tom-
Actually, enchanting the invitations was Dumbledore's idea. Of course you can kill Ginny, but no, you may not kill her.
-Hermione
Hermione-
What? You said I could kill her and then you said I couldn't. Explain.
-Tom
Tom-
Won't write nothing if you don't say please.
-Hermione
Hermione-
I said please very loudly and firmly and my loyal servants looked at me likeI was insane.
-Tom
Tom-
You are insane.
-Hermione
Hermione-
Oh.
-Tom
Tom-
You've lost the grasp of the subject. (actually I did, it might help to scroll up a little)
-Hermione
Hermione-
I have?
-Tom
Tom-
Yes, the last ON TOPIC letter was, I won't write nothing if you don't write please!
-Hermione
Hermione-
Oh dear, I'm sorry, I've just lost my third seceretary. But, Please?
Tom-
NOTHING!
-Hermione
Hermione-
What has happened to that sweet little girl who kept Harry from drinking poison in her first year? Where is she! Where I ask you!
-Tom
Tom-
She died when she found out you were my uncle. I'm a clone. From hell.
-The clone from Hell
Dear Clone From Hell,
Would it be possible for you to inform me of how to stop the music coming from my invitation?
Sincerely,
M. Riddle
Dear Lord Voldie-kins,
In the spirit of the holidays, we have decided to tell you to push the crest on the back of your invitation while whispering 'Finite incantum'. The music should cease playing.
Sincerely,
The Let's Drive Evil Lord Voldie-kins Insane Society
Dear L.D.E.L.V.I.S-
Thank you very much, why does your groups initials seem like Lord Elvis?
-The slightly insane Lord Voldemort
Dear Slightly Insane Lord Voldie-kins-
Our main objective is to push you over the brink of insanity, and the other is to prove that Elvis is indeed alive and was bowling last week with the queen mum.
-L.D.E.L.V.I.S.
Dear L.D.E.L.V.I.S.-
How many members are there in you society?
-Lord Voldemort
Dear Lord Voldemort-
So far? Three. Would you like to join? It's completely free of cost, and quite fun.
- L.D.E.L.V.I.S.
L.D.E.L.V.I.S.-
Er… No, I was just wondering. Have you seem Gilderoy Lockhart recently?
-Lord Voldemort.
Lord Voldemort-
Yes, actually we have. Last we saw him, he was in a pub in Little Hangleton muttering about seeing the, and I quote, 'Sexy god who lives in the romantic mansion' any Ideas who the sexy god is?
- L.D.E.L.V.I.S.
L.D.E.L.V.I.S.-
Yes actually I do, and the Sexy God is moving very soon.
-Lord Voldemort
Harry-
Do you know of any empty homes? Please?
-Tom
Tom-
Thought you forgot all about me. Why do you need to know about empty houses? What's wrong with the Riddle House in Little Hangleton?
-Harry
Harry-
I would never forget about you. After all, I spent years trying to kill you, how could I forget that? The Riddle house is fine, it's just that Lockhart has apparently found it's location. I was wondering what was climbing the trellis last night.. The house elves threw something at… it.
-Tom
Tom-
So you've got lovers crawling up your trellises to see you? How sweet. The Professors have decided to assign a load of homework, so I won't be able to write until, say, after that Christmas thing that the girls are planning?
-Harry
Harry Dearest-
Sounds lovely. Good help is so hard to find these days. Ever since wormtail ran off with a mouse I've had to find new secretaries almost daily. They keep running off with Lucius for some reason. Can't imagine why, I am much more beautiful than him. Aren't I right love? So I'm stuck reviewing Death Eater resumes by hand. So annoying. I never imagined that planning a simple Dark revel could be so, so, exasperating!
Love, Tom
Dear, Dear reviewers,
Pray tell, do not be fearful of Voldie-kins last letter, that was his sorrowful attempt at a romance letter, woefully directed at the wrong party. ::perks up:: think dumbley-kins should be getting one in the near future? The whole, won't write nothing thing, belongs to Rowling too, that would be from the, wait you know which book, so why am I wasting my time typing. oh yeah, because my life is writing. oh well, it's from the first book, when they are hiding from filch, and the original dialouge is between filch and peeves, but i adapted it to fit into hermione and voldie-kins' letters. By the way, my little sister, who i might add, normally hates me with a passion normally reserved for broccoli, was bugging me about updating this. i'm scared, very scared. but yeah, sorry for going on and all, but i've noticed that most of your reviews seem to include the word laughing. why? i'll shut up now, hope you liked it!
-emikae