Disclaimer: Only the plot, which isn't that great, belongs to me. The rest belongs to J. K. Rowling. She created it, and I'm just messing around with her toys.
Correspondence
Summary: Harry isn't getting his letters, so he decided to see if Voldemort is intercepting them. A surprising thing happens- Harry starts to make a friendship where he shouldn't. After all, he does have to kill the guy. Right? Mostly told in the form of letters.
Chapter Nine - Mindless Babble
Dear Lord Voldie-kins,
Thank you ever so much for the Christmas Card. The Death Eater's rendition of Jingle Bells and 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall were quite lovely. The enclosed card with the rampaging Hippogriffs on it is for you and the other with the Santa is for the Death Eaters.
Malfoy
SMILE!
D. Malfoy-
Thank you for the card, it is quite lovely. I hope that you enjoyed your holidays and that the upcoming week of school goes well.
-T. Riddle
FINE. DON'T SMILE. SEE IF I CARE.
T. Riddle-
Are you Lord Voldemort's new secretary? You have very nice handwriting.
-D. Malfoy
HAVE YOU SMILED?
D. Malfoy-
No, I am Lord Voldemort himself. But by signing myself as T. Riddle, people such as nosy headmasters are less likely to find out you are corresponding with the Dark Lord.
-T. Riddle
YOU REALLY SHOULD.
T. Riddle-
Oh. Out of curiosity, why did you not kidnap me and force the mark on me over the winter holidays?
-D. Malfoy
POLLY WANNA CRACKER?
D. Malfoy-
Was I supposed to? Ever since Nagini ate my latest secretary I've been doing it myself. I missed my appointment with a Ms. Rowling, I know the meeting was important, something about me being a character in a movie or something.
-T. Riddle
POLLY BIT ME.
Dear Ginny,
How are you? Did you remember to give Harry his gift? Did he cry? IF he did, you better have picture of him crying for me. Ah, I can see it now, an enlarged photo of the crying boy-who-refuses-to-die right over my mantle. Could you get him to sign it too?
-Lord V.
POLLY WOULD MAKE A NICE DINNER.
Lord V.,
It slipped my mind, but I'm giving it to him tonight with Draco at the ready with a camera.
-Ginny
POLLY FLEW AWAY.
Dearest Ginevra-
I was not serious. Actually Sirius Black is Sirius. But a photo of his reaction could be lovely. Especially when Lily starts chewing him out about associating with his parents murderer. She yelled at me for three days straight!
-Thy humble servant
SO.
Mr. My Snake is bigger than yours
You're right Lily can yell. You will find enclosed, three pictures of Harry crying, one of him gaping at the portrait, note the rude gestures that going with Harry's first chewing out, one of a drunk Dumbledore, one Snape in a pink bunny suit, one of Hermione getting out of the shower, one of Draco's camera being smashed by Hermione, and one of Creevy crying over his smashed camera.
-Ginevra, the one who can commune with snakes
HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN?
Ginevra Molly Weasley-
I fail to see the comical value of the name Mr. My snake is bigger than yours. And could you give Draco this portkey to the fifth level of the Zoo of Death where I keep Westley? Thank you.
-Mr. My snake I bigger than yours
MINE'S BEEN SO-SO.
Mr. My snake is bigger than yours,
I won't give him the portkey, I'm sorry. But could I borrow Westley? Buttercup so does not deserve him. Pirates are nummy, aren't they? You don't understand the name do you?
-GMW
SORT OF BORING, ACTUALLY.
GMW-
No, I don't really understand the name, care to explain? Westley is MINE. And you're absolutely correct, Buttercup does not deserve him at all. She pushed him down the hill for heaven's sake.
-Mr. My snake is bigger than yours
DO THESE ANNOY YOU?
Mr. My snake is bigger than yours
The name refers to the size of, to borrow a phrase from the glossary of the book, Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging, your how's your father. If I can't have Westley, is the current Dread Pirate Roberts available? Actually, the name just means that your snake is bigger than anyone else's. Maybe.
-GMW
HOW TRUE…
GMW-
You mean to say that that name is referring to the size of my snake? I really don't see the humor in that. May I please kill Draco? He was taking picture of Hermione! Please?
-TMR
I'M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS FOR THESE.
TMR-
What's wrong with taking pictures of Hermione?
-GMW
MAYBE I SHOULD STOP.
GMW-
Nothing, except for he was taking them when she was getting out of the shower!
-TMR
BUT THEY'RE FUN.
TMR-
I can see how you would be upset. Have you seen these photos?
-GMW
I HAVE AN EGG.
GMW-
No! I am not interested in viewing photographs of my niece in various states of undress!
-TMR
IT'S A VERY OLD EGG.
TMR-
Whoa! Let's back this train up. Where did you get the idea that Draco was taking pictures of Hermione 'in various states of undress'?
-GMW
MAYBE I SHOULD SEE IF IT CAN FLY.
GMW-
Back the train up?? You distinctly wrote that it was a photo of Hermione getting out of the shower!
-TMR
IT MIGHT LAND ON MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE THOUGH.
TMR-
So I did, so I did. Don't you know that your niece is the founder of the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. SPEW for short. I'll ask her to send you a pamphlet.
-GMW
BUT I DON'T REALLY LIKE MY NEIGHBORS
GMW-
Got the pamphlet. Sent Hermione two sickles to shut her up. What is this spew stuff?
-TMR
MAYBE I SHOULD FIND SOME EXTRA TOLIET PAPER.
TMR-
SPEW She's met a total of two house-elves. Dobby, the Malfoy's former elf, and Winky, who used to belong to the Crouches. She wants them to have decent living conditions, wages and something else.
-GMW
FOR THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM.
GMW-
Okay then. Why did this come up?
-TMR
OR MAYBE JUST RON'S BED.
TMR-
Because Hermione cleans her own shower, and the photo of her getting out of the shower was one of her finishing cleaning it. Draco go the camera smashed because it was Creevy's and the camera annoys them. Okay?
-GMW
BUT RON'S A GRYFFINDOR.
GMW-
Okey-dokey.
-TMR
TRUE.
Dear Lord Voldemort,
Thank you very much for getting the portrait of my parents for me. It occurred to me that you usually make one attempt to kill me each year. Any suggestions?
-Harry Potter
I COULD DO RON'S BED AND THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM.
Harry Potter-
You are welcome for the portrait, your mother yelled at me for days. They have a frame here too, so they can bring messages, and yell at me. If you want, you could make a one way connection into the schools network of portraits. I'm not exactly sure how, but you can owl Lucius Malfoy. Although it could be risky, Vi, that nosy portrait in the room off the great hall, might bother you. And as for the Annual attempt to try and kill Harry, you come up with something. I've had to come up with things for the past five times! IT'S YOUR turn.
-Lord Voldemort
OR NOT, TOLET PAPER COSTS MONEY.
Lord Voldemort-
I will owl Lucius once I finish putting protective charms on my owl. Why don't I just come over for tea or something. I'm sure that you could arrange to kidnap me on a Hogsmeade weekend. But then what would you do with me?
-Harry Potter
WHICH I DON'T HAVE.
Potter-
I have no idea of what I would do with you. I could always torture you, but that doesn't really seem appropriate, especially since we're friends. Do you think that you could get Hermione to go and get some more of those muggle sweets? Lockhart snuck in and ate them. He tried to oblivate me, but Nagini knocked him over the head with her tail. She said that he was too disgusting to eat.
-Lord. V.
AND I'M DONE.
Lord V.-
I went and got your sweets, and you'll find enclosed some of Fred and George's latest. Why don't you use Lockhart as a Test Bunny next time he sneaks in? Torture doesn't really seem appropriate, but Hermione hit Ron with a tickling charm from across the hall today. Everyone know that she did it, but she wasn't punished because Ron had apparently bee making 'inappropriate advances on her'. Everyone's wondering how Ron managed to Write 'I'm a prat' in Dumbledore's hand writing across his forehead. Dumbledore himself found it quite funny, but he did not notice the writing across the back of his robes.
-H. Potter
H. Potter-
How interesting. I think I've realized what I'll be doing to you. Which Hogsmeade weekend is convenient for you? Do you prefer your tea with cream or not? None of the Death Eaters drink tea very much and they don't use cream, so shall I have the elf purchase some for you? Also, the enclosed cookies are not poisoned, as I have eaten three of them and not died yet. They are very good, I think that they are oatmeal raison. The enclosed Pringles have the house elves put out along the dinner tables, and whatever you do don't touch them.
-Lord V.
Lord V.-
Thank you. I must study now, but why not may third? And I do take cream in my tea if possible. Maybe you could buy those little scones that have blueberries in them?
-H. Potter
H. Potter-
Will do. How'd you like the Pringles?
-Lord V.
Lord V.-
I'm taking over the writing for the moment. The Pringles were very nice. They flocked around Professor Snape's nose. It was very funny watching him try to get them away. They'd land on his head or something and he swat at it and the pieces would make smaller flying Pringles, and he'd try to curse them with his wand. Ron Tried to eat one, but it flew away and got more Pringles and they attacked Ron. It looked like they were biting him. Dumbledore got one on his finger and was feeding it, but then it decided that Dumbledore Fingers would make a better meal. Then in Charms, we got to learn how to give objects free will to fly about like the Pringles did. I think that Flitwick will be keeping them for pets, he had a dish of food out for them that they were eating. Why were the Pringles eating?
-Hermione
Hermione-
They were eating because they needed energy to attack. They make good messengers though, but they leave little Pringle-poop all over the place. Also, you can train on to attack certain people, like, Severus, Dumbledore and Ron. Did that do anything to cut down on what he eats?
-Uncle Tom
Uncle Tom-
Nope, but I was researching the charms and I've managed to make his plate cause any food on it to disappear and walk away. How are thing going for you? Have you met any nice girls?
-Hermione
Mother-
Things are going quite well. My Death Eaters have made a brewery in the basement. I believe that they are selling it to the local pub. I haven't met any nice girls lately, but I believe that is a bit late in life for me.
-Tom
Tom-
TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE TONE WITH ME! I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP! THERE ARE PLENTLY OF NICE, SINGLE GIRLS YOUR AGE. YOU"RE JUST NOT LOOKING WELL ENOUGH. YOU NEED TO GET OUT SOME MORE! GO TO PUBS!
-Hermione
Hermione-
No need for the Howler, you embarrassed me in front of my Death Eaters. If you can tell me what sort of woman would be interested in wedding an ex-Dark Lord, I will be surprised. Especially if she is my age.
-Tom
Tom-
Minerva McGonagall. She had a crush on you in your school days, and she isn't married or seeing anyone that I know of. I'm sure that if you explained things to her nicely, she'd at least go on a date with you. You'd make such a cute couple. Although Nagini might eat her in her cat form.
-Hermione
Hermione-
Where did you find out the Minerva and I dated in School?
-Tom
Tom-
You guys dated? I never knew that? All the more reason to hook up with her again.
-Hermione
Hermione-
Are you sure the hat didn't want to put you in Slytherin?
-Tom
Tom-
IT did, but I got into Gryffindor. I found out because on the opposite side of the lake, there is a little sandy beach that the afternoon suns warms, and there, carved into a rock is, "MMcG and TMR forever 1945" And you two were the only people on Hogwarts rosters for 1945 with the right initials. Just owl her, see if she's still interested. But add a few curses to the letter so she can't tell anyone who doesn't already know.
-Hermione
Hermione-
You are a very, very, very smart witch. I will owl her and put the right charms, hexes and curses on the letter, okay? And could you do me a favor and stay away from my spot? I believe I left a few important things there that shouldn't be disturbed.
-Tom
Tom-
You mean the lantern, book of poetry, quill and pink ink?
-Hermione
Hermione-
Yes, yes, yes, and no. The ink was left there by McGonagall, use it to write a essay, it's never ending, but if you dug any deeper, you would have found some questionable propaganda, my black ink, it shimmered in the light, two more diaries tat can't posses people, but can converse, Minerva and I used them, and I think my spare wands are there. Why don't you go and find out?
-Tom
Tom-
Of course.
-Hermione
Tom-
It's all there, and it's all in the box. Unshrink it first. I also found quite a few bits of lost jewelry, watches and such. I am very bust going through the old lost notices trying to see in any may be returned to their owners. So Ginny is now taking over.
Hi! How've you been? I've cursed Ron from behind quite a few times. You'd think that he could figure it out and put a low grade shield up. I mentioned it when I saw him at dinner, and he said that he didn't know how. I told how about the library, but he wouldn't go. I can't remember if we told you, but he broke up with Lavender and he's going tout with some fourth year. And he doesn't like me dating sixth years. I owled mum yesterday and he got a long note about cradle robbing. Quite funny, he turned a lovely shade of maroon when he finished reading it. He matched his sweater perfectly.
-Ginny
Ginny-
How nice.
-Tom
Tom-
I know. So you're abducting Harry on May third? Should he has his homework done first?
-Ginny
Ginny-
It would be nice, because then he could get a few extra days of lazing about if its already done.
-Tom
Tom-
Okay than, I'll tell him. You might want to remind him that you're abducting him this weekend. What time precisely?
-Ginny
Ginny-
I think I'll surprise you guys. Remember you have to fight against me, and It'll only be me, just for fun, and we're the only ones who know about this, the Death Eaters will be off in London, causing mayhem in Knockturn alley. So defenses will be low.
-Tom
Tom-
Good idea. Don't forget to owl Harry.
-Ginny
Ginny-
It went off with this letter.
-Tom
Mr. Potter-
You abduction and tea party with the Dark Lord Voldemort has been scheduled for the Hogsmeade weekend of May Third. I hope to see you there. Transportation will be provided, and all you need to do is be there. Savvy?
Sincerely, Lord Voldemort himself
Lord Voldemort Himself-
Wow, I merit an invitation to and exclusive tea party with the Dark Lord himself. I'm honored! I'll be able to make it, but would it be possible to let me get my shopping done first? I have some important pranking items I must pick up.
-Mr. Potter
Mr. Potter-
Of course, see you tomorrow!
-Lord Voldemort himself
Dear Readers,
And now it is done. This is one of the last chapters, There might be two or three more, and then this will be complete. I am dreadfully sorry for the previous chapter and the great long time it took for me to update. Please don't kill me. Thank you for all the reviews for chapter seven, and it's snowing, so I really gotta go. Like now.
-emikae